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Joined: Jun 2004
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Question:

A week after my D Aug 3, I met the most wonderful lady via a mutual friend. She is quite taken with me and I enjoy her company and positive spirit. I'm concerned however, b/c I know I'm still a headcase reeling from the trauma of my ex's A and rapid Dv.

I'm wondering if any kind of relationship--even a platonic one-- with me at this time can be anything but catastrophic.

Should I just cool my jets, stop, back up, or...?

This post-Dv stuff is so confusing!

P.S. WxW is in the "Where's my money" mode. She is rapidly morphing into someone I can't recognize at all. My kids are demonstrating sadness over the D and it doesn't seem to affect her. Bummer.

<small>[ September 10, 2004, 01:45 PM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

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I would go with the flow.

Express your interests, let her express hers.

Compare and contrast.

Enjoy.

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You sound as though you need time to heal. Proceed in any relationship slowly. If you are a christian, date only christians with beliefs similar to yours. I would say this is best because in this day and age you will need the power of prayer to help maintain your relationship. It will take both of you.Christ is really our only hope. Don't want to sound to spiritual, but it is the truth.
It may feel pleasant at the moment to talk with someone. It take 2 whole single people to make one good marriage. If you are confused, some parts are missing. Get those parts back and find someone with all their parts. And Voila! You have a long lasting relationship.
I will be praying for you. God bless!

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I would go with the flow and monitor your relationship expectations.., I guess I would be thinking that its too soon to start any relationship, perhaps just hang out for the company, let her know where you are and what your rebuilding to.. we hear about rebound relationships all the time that crash and burn, I know Im concerned when I actually start dating again that I would like to be free of most of my baggage and have cleared my head before dating, and I IMO hopefully will date a little while before jumping into another relationship. If shes awsome like you say she is, she will understand, keep you company through this period and wait.. if you feel youre ready to date.. then go for it, for myself personally I would give myself time to refocus and understand myself and what went wrong :S

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dleightonc,

I agree with shocktreatment, I would go with the flow. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

IMHO, there's nothing that says you can't spend some time with someone who makes you feel good.

Just don't confuse that with real love or anything like that.

Take your time enjoy all the good things that can come your way but, remember that you still need time to heal and that doesn't happen overnight.

Make sure that this person understands that you're not ready to jump into anything serious just yet, but that you are interested in friendship. If that blooms into something more later on down the road then GREAT...but, don't rush yourself.

Good luck.

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I agree a little with everyone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Take time to heal...
Go with the flow...
Monitor your relationship expectations...
And, don't confuse good feelings with real love or anything like that.

Other then that, take your time, be as honest as you can,and enjoy the company.

Best of luck to you.
TG

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I don't want to move into any major relationships now. I'm too scarred and too scared. I'm not a big casual 'go with the flow' person either. I would like to simply enjoy the company of this very neat person, nothing physically intimate or emotionally complicated.

Am I gving mixed signals by simply spending time with her even if I've made it clear I can't give more right now?

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dleightonc,

I'm going to go against the flow of advice here--

--Am I gving mixed signals by simply spending time with her even if I've made it clear I can't give more right now?--

TR--the answer to this question is it depends--
but it is VERY LIKELY that yes, you are giving her the wrong impression--

If you are NOT emotionally ready for a relationship (and you've already said your not)
then BACK OFF!!

Be honest with this lady--let her know that you because she is a wonderful woman, she deserves a man who is emotionally whole--but right now, you are not that man--and aren't sure when you will be--let her know that in no way do you want to her to be hurt because "others" think you need to rush back out there and start dating again--

Within your own hurt--and need to feel "loved"
"cared for" and in general 'feel good again' you could ignore or completely overlook some major red flags in a new relationship--

It's not her job to make you feel good--or better about yourself--and you both deserve better than a rebound relationship--and who knows once you've healed--you may find that You really don't like this woman--but then you both get hurt more as she'd been there for you building that emotional
bond with you--enjoying your company--

most people build stronger emotional bonds through the non-sexual dating, talking, sharing relationships---which is how emotional affairs begin--as friends--you start off by being there as a friend sharing talking on the phone, going out for coffee--and comforting each other--
the way your spouse *used* to--so please--take that into consideration--

So if your not ready for another relationship--right now--then protect her and yourself from the rush to feel good--

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It has been about a year since I discovered my WW’s A and we have been separated since April. I’m not ready for another relationship yet but of course I can’t help but wonder when I will be ready. The way I look at it is that as long as I still feel like damaged goods (and I’m assuming you do too since you admit you’re still a headcase) It just wouldn’t be fair to the lady I want to get involved with. She may be ready for a serious relationship and I wouldn’t be able to offer her that as long as I’m still unstable. This is just MHO of course and I’m the first to admit I have a lot of recovering to do and I may not be the best person to be giving advice.

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I'm siding with TR on this one. The lady is usually one smart cookie.

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D -
Listen to TR . I've been reading a lot of your posts since you've come to Marriage Builders. You've accumulated quite a lot, on average about 6-8 posts a day, mostly regarding your own situation. When people first come here, our sitations are usually in crisis, and the BS usually tends to be self-absorbed (it's our self-protection mode, and most all of us have been there, done that). I've also seen you grow, even in 3 month's time.

Take a breather, and re-assess yourself, in every aspect. (You are probably already doing this - but I wanted to reiterate it.) Listen to the advice of those who've been here a long time and have walked through the fire and come out the other side, like TR and Cinderella over those who are newer and are still in the throes of crisis. We can ALL learn from each other, but experience and a history of healthy life choices count so much in the long run.

No matter how great this "friendship" makes you feel, back off. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Get your validation somewhere else: on the tennis court, being a great dad, at your workplace (how's that going?), etc... You should still be in healing/review mode.

<small>[ September 05, 2004, 01:53 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

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That advice is sound, but so self-sacrificing. My WxW walks around feeling good (she's on vacation while I and our kids sat through Hurrricane Frances). I get to wait on romance, healing and companionship. Bummer. So do I just tell this lady to wait for me to heal or what? I do agree that more time together will merely bring us closer. Damn.

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Hi dlc,

Like some of the other's,I have followed your posts for a while too.And if you don't mind me saying so...what's your hurry? I realize that you have come into contact with a nice person but you have only been D'd for a little over a month and judging by your previous posts,you need some alone time,not more emotional relationship time with another woman.How about hanging out with the guys?

You must know on some level that any time you spend with this other woman is bound to end up in the emotional phase right? Look at how many people are here seeking help because their "friendships" with the opposite sex have turned into more than that.What about temptation? Isn't it possible that this woman may try to tempt you into a relationship that you are no where near ready to have?

I am sure that all would agree that you deserve a wonderful,happy relationship with another woman at some point but now is not the time IMO.I don't agree with going with the flow.Just what IS the flow? How can you even know when your heart has been shattered and you are an emotional mess,trying to pick up the pieces of your life,take care of your kids,function at work,make dinner,etc,etc? IMVHO You do not have your own life straightened out enough to be able to engage in anything with a woman right now.I wouldn't think of it as self sacrificing so much as self preservation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

As for the lady,I would just politely decline any contact.And, just becasue your xWW is frollicking around with her homewrecking OM doesn't mean she is one up on you.There's no contest there.

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I'm not trying to rush things, compete or deny my emotional situation. I'm working on figuring me out, accomplishing my goals and extracting myself from the fallout of the Dv (see my current set of challenges here)


I isolated myself a lot during the M and NEVER dated in my life, so I don't know how much about how this stuff works. Most of my friends are women that I've known since H.S. or college (20 years +). I'm realizing very quickly that the level of ease I project with ladies can be taken very differently when you are unmarried.


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