Ok... operating on the premise that men and women are wired differently... I have a couple of questions for the guys.

Scenario... there's this woman you know... you are both single... and there is very strong chemistry between the two of you... but you have never been... intimate.

She says to you, "I love you."

1. What does that mean to you?

2. What is the effect of those words on the inside of you?

Wisecracks are always welcome for laughs... but I really am curious about the "truth" because I know that "love" means something different to a man than it does to a woman.

Thanks!

L

<small>[ August 31, 2004, 09:07 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

LL ~ I'll bite. Are we dating? For how long? What level of involvement?

I guess I need to know more info.

If answer is yes we've been dating each other exclusively, then my answer is:

I take those 3 words VERY seriously. Like sex, it is NOT intended for anyone except THE one you want to be with.

Love is not primarily a feeling to me. It is first of all a PRINCIPLE. A chosen commitment of oneself to another - to protect, to nourish, to be with, to defend, to share life with. It is the greatest of all human emotions - therefore it is not to be dealt with lightly.

So if a woman says I love you to me with any sense of seriousness, then I have some very hard decisions to make IMO.

Regards,
High Flight

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by laura_lee:
<strong>...I know that "love" means something different to a man than it does to a woman.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It does? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>1. What does that mean to you?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It depends on the context. For example, my lady friend has told me that she loves me a number of times, but I don't for one moment imagine that she means anything more romantic by that than my parents do when they tell me they love me.

I have told her that I love her, and she knows (because I have been clear about it) that this means that I want what is best for her even if what's best for her is not me, so that my love for her is greater than my romantic interest in her.

That's what I believe love is: a willingness to make sacrifices for the good of the loved one. (It's worth noting here that the kind of "sacrifices" one makes in a codependent relationship are not actually for the good of the loved one.)

So if I believed that there was a mutual chemistry between myself and a single woman who told me she loved me, I would take that as an indication that it would be appropriate to open a dialogue with her about whether a future together should be considered, and how we might best go about exploring that option. That examination would no doubt include discussion of goals and values, prayer, and consultation with those who know us, with the understanding that if marriage did not look like a wise prospect, love would compel us to keep our friendship outside the realm of romance.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>2. What is the effect of those words on the inside of you?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Honestly? After what I've been through? I can only speculate, but...I suspect it would be a sense of wonder and disbelief. And a sense of determination to do right by her.

Hi HighFlight:

I've been bitten? We are dating. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for your answer on limitted information.

Love is a principle - not an emotion. Wow. Love is a chosen commitment of oneself to another. Profound. (Wow is my short response meaning "that is profound".)

It is the greatest of human emotions - yet it is a principle not an emotion - a principle that seems to mean to you what it requires of you... and causes you to think seriously about it and to make decisions.

Thanks, HighFlight.

Gnome...

Hmmmmmmm.... you make love sound good, too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Your love would make you willing to lay down your life in sacrifice for the woman you love. That sure sounds like how Jesus loves His bride - and men are to so love their wives. Hmmmmmmm... it makes you think of marriage... and you, too, would begin to think of the seriousness of those considerations.

A sense of wonder... disbelief... like a miracle or something happening.

Hmmmmmm....

You guys have a way of making love sound great!

I'm learning here. I had no idea what it would mean.

I just get "goo goo". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I don't think... at all.

When I feel it... I don't even know my name.


L

I feel it also worthy to note that there should be a clear distinction between lust and love.

The idea of Love to me is definatley a will or decision to commit to giving and loving someone, the feeling of love comes out of the action and intent of giving exclusively to that one person. It is a commitment and principle as highlighted above.

However, Lust sometimes gets confused over love, the ga-ga, crazy attraction that you can sometimes get for the other is often mistaken for love, and only is nature's or gods way of bringing 2 people together to meet and copulate (to put it bluntly) usually when lust runs out (and it will).. the commitment to love takes place if both parties are willing and aware enough of the sutble change...

Good topic and question!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by laura_lee:
<strong> She says to you, "I love you."

1. What does that mean to you?

2. What is the effect of those words on the inside of you?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What am I thinking? I'm gonna score, this is too cool. If I say I love you back can we get this thing taken care of before your 7 year mark?

OK all seriousness aside, saying "I love you" can be different than saying "I love you". HUH?

Comb them blonde hairs down I'll try to explain. I say "I love you" to people every day and I truly and sincerely mean it. And as you know I still ain't gettin none. HOWEVER, I haven't said I love you with the passion that one associates with all the warm fuzzies for a LONG time.....

So if a hot single mama in her silky black attire looking like POW said I love you to me it would make me feel warm in my heart for receiving the love of another human.

Now if that some hot single mama in her steaming hot black silky attire peered deep into my eyes and with emotion, feeling, & true passion uttered those words to me I'd probably feel those warm fuzzies in my heart and certain unspecified other regions......

And PS, I don't operate on the premise that men and women are wired differently but I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I can operate on the premise that men and women are wired differently because I believe that to be true, generally speaking.

Very strong chemistry, never been intimate, she says "I love you.".

1. What does that mean to me?
It means I'm going to rock back on my heels and give it some serious thought. What was going on at the time? Could she have meant I love you like a brother or could it have been something, well for lack of a better word, more? I would have to analyze for a while.

2. What is the effect of those words on the inside of me?
Depends on the outcome of analysis of #1. If it comes out to be like a brother, I might could say "I love you too." if I knew she would know I meant like a sister and if I really felt that way. If it appeared to mean something "more" I can see 3 possible effects: a. A little voice will scream "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!", b. It might cause me to ask her what is going on, to see if I want to persue. c. The scariest of all, I would melt and be completely lost forever.

I would never use the "L" word at all unless I really meant it. In the days before I met my WxW is used it inappropriately at times to get ........... well to get what I wanted. Noone had heard of AIDS then and the big scare was herpes. The saying was that the difference between love and herpes is that herpes lasts forever. I have felt extreme guilt over using the "L" word that way and became probably overly cautious. You won't hear it from me now without a deep soul searching first. This love thing is serious business, not to be taken lightly.

Ok I'll play.

It means to me "watch out". Seriously, even if I am head over heels in love myself, I become very cautious. Why? She is very vulnerable and I am assuming she is talking long term commitment here, and that is something that must be approached carefully.

So the words would be taken very seriously, the response would be measured, and if discussions about thing such as life styles, goals, kids, religion, had not taken place they would have to before I would feel the inclination to commit.

Thus my response would be "measured" so as to do my best to NOT hurt her until important things were sorted out.

I believe love is very important to a marriage, but it is only one of the very important things that comprise a marriage.

Now, if this woman used the word "in love" rather frequently, maybe in interpret it as she is up for a good time with more intimacy, but I doubt I would have strong chemistry for such a woman.

So have I confused you yet? Hope not too badly.

JL

l_l:

"Ok... operating on the premise that men and women are wired differently... I have a couple of questions for the guys."

Well, I'd play, but the premise needs clarification. I don't know whether we're wired all that differently or not, but we're definitely PLUMBED differently! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

And that, sadly or happily, makes all the difference.

-ol' 2long

You should be honest.

Do you love her? If so, you should say so.

If not, then talk futher, ask why do you love me?

Is it love or need?

Real love is based on giving.

This is something I've learned.

You need to explore that.

Chenistry but no Intimacy

I say she is tired of the no intimacy and wants to get lucky!. Oh that would be if the guy said it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Does she say "Ilove you BUT". That could mean "Why else do you think there has been no intimacy"

Seriously, I agree with LH. It makes a big difference on how it is said. The time, the place, the mood, the tone.

One simple Ilove you can make you wonder, One deep, emotional I love you could change your entire outlook on life.

WIWH

Ugh, yucky love stuff....


I'd be gone long before she was finished saying it...

It would go something like this...

Her: "Harry, I Lo...., Harry? Harry?"

Ok seriously...
#1 What it means to me...
It means she wants to go to the next level. It means we're about to have 'The Talk' about where she wants the relationship to go.

#2 What effect does it have on my insides?
Who knows! Depends on where I am in my own plans. How I feel about her and what I had for breakfast.
My gut response would be that I'm not ready for what she wants.

It would make me uncomfortable. I would analyze her timing and motives. I would probably back off and chill while trying to be polite. Even if I felt the same way, I would wonder, why now and not last month... and try to see what the fundamental change was that suddenly is bringing her out to declare her love.

I'd probably crack a joke, withdraw, and figure out if I loved her back. If I do, I'd give things some time and then do a romantic date to talk about things at which time, I'd bring it up... if she reaffirms it I'll affirm my own feelings for her. If I don't, then I'd bring it up after some time as passed and give her an easy out, pass it off as a joke, and try to resume normal friendship.

So, what it means is that she's interested in taking the relationship to a new level or that she's happy with the current level. In the situation you described in your very first post, I would take it as that: an expression of desired commitment for a next step in the relationship.

<small>[ September 03, 2004, 12:58 PM: Message edited by: Lyxa ]</small>

Thanks, guys!

Thanks for being honest... and funny, too! (LH, etc.)

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Funny thing is - if I feel that emotion... I run! If I said it - it would be to scare the "h" out of the guy... so he'd run too!

Well, that's how I've been since the D. I may be outgrowing that response now.

A guy would have to say it to me.


L

Great Topic for men & women. Let me throw a different spin onto those most important words of our life:

Would each person who responded to this post view their belief about "I Love You" differently if your spouse was saying those words to another behind your back?

FR

OK... I have some time now to respond. Just got back from a family get together. I love my family. My brother and sisters and I, spouses, kids, my mom nad dad all get along really well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Confused... interesting note above love vs. lust. Hmmm... personally, I can't feel an "I love you" in a lust situation. It's too penetrating into the core of my heart. There's a huge difference between lust and love to me. When I feel something that's attraction, as my friends know... I say, "I like!" with that little twinkle in my eye. But I'm a one-man woman. There's only one man I love. He's "the one". And, nope, no copulation... because, if you've followed the thread, re-virginization is too valuable a title, a status, to lose by lust. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And, besides, what's "lust"? Isn't lust forbidden fruit? I'm not interested. Forbidden fruit causes many jams.

LH... so you're ready with the big "I love you" line - if I'm ready to... give up my claim to fame - my new name? I'm getting a ring, right? Awwwww... just a "ring of insincerity"?! lol

Yeah, I said "I love you" about 15 times today to family, and people from my church today. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I loved my XH. I didn't have to say a word. All I had to do was look him in the eyes - give him "the look" - and he found me irresistable. It wasn't in the words - it was a tangible intangible best said without words. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have eyes, in that manner, only for "the one". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Holiday Inn... were you swimming in the pool? Drinking "Nutty Irish" drinks? Are you trying to gain experience by which to steal WIWH's new job? lol


Well! I gotta go! I'll respond to the rest, hopefully, later.

DJ,

Your 3 possible responses were so rawly real in human nature. I especially liked the possibility of melting forever. I've felt all 3. Somehow, I've always known, that if the part of me that is selfish and scared would melt forever away - then I'd really, truly experience the height, the depth, and the width... of true love. I'd be set free to truly live... and love again. It's a process. Loved what you had to say!

Hey JL,

Every guy seems to "think" about the gravity of the words "I love you" in terms of what they are willing, able, and ready to commit.

I think it would be a really bad idea for a woman to say those words - cause it would make the guy think too much, don't you think? Thinking about commitment in response to a woman could cause a man to shut down the relationship - seems to me.

It's nice that you wouldn't wnat to hurt her - but it's kind of patronizing, isn't it to pull back so the woman wouldn't be hurt? I think it's a bad idea for a woman to tell a man she loves him before he's stated he wants a serious, committed relationship.

I think she'd end up hurt because the guy would think too much, become cautious, he'd be overprotective of her, and all that worry and thought would erode the "magic" that makes romantic relationships flow together naturally.

Hmmmmmmmmm... I'm just learning, too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hey 2long...

Yep. We're plumbed differently alright. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Love to a woman means friendship with a man. She admires him, respects him, sees him as a man who loves her and cares about her as a person... and she feels female love for him. Love to a man... as I understand it --- means sex. He feels love less emotionally - more hormonally as an impetus. "The one" can look as nice as he wants - as handsome as he wants - and he doesn't ring my bell. He rings my bell when I feel I can trust him, rely on him, and he cares about me and is "safe"... he's a friend who becomes a lover. I have to be able to "look up to" a man and feel he's "looking out for" me... and then it is "safe" to feel some hormones. Until then - it's not safe - even when he's "the one".

Shocktreatment,

Thanks. Honesty is the #1 reason that a man becomes "safe"... someone sa woman can safely "look up to" and can be trusted to "look out for" her. Very good point!

Hi WIWH,

No intimacy, in this case, because they are single. If there's no intimacy, and they're married, there's a problem! "I love you" would be an innocent, harmless honest expression of how she feels - imo - not a demand for commitment - not an invite for sex - just an expression of what she feels in her heart.

Harry,

She doesn't want anything - she just wants to say "I love you" because it's like seeing fireworks and saying, "OOH! AAAH!". She just says it because there's love in her heart - and it was something she said freely... not seeking to take your freedom away. She's innocent. She's harmless. She's not trying to cage you!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Lyxka

I guess I'm coming to the end.

Women are always "worried" that a man is trying to get her in the sack - to take sex from her - to use her to get what he wants from her.

Men, perhaps, are always "worried" that a woman is trying to get him into a commitment - to take freedom from him - to use him to get what she wants from him.

Yep! We're wired differently!

I've read that men are "innocent" and "harmless" when trying to get sex.

We women kind of think you're being devious, selfish, and destructive (in general terms).

Lately, I've come to the place where I don't "Judge" that you're wired differently.

I figure you're just as motivated by your hormones as we are by our romantic emotional makeups - and we really shouldn't be so judgmental of one another. We're just different - and that's okay.

Thanks!

Laura

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I've been bitten? We are dating. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Laura, How are you gonna explain the new pool guy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

(sorry decided to cut the rest out)

WIWH

<small>[ September 06, 2004, 10:41 PM: Message edited by: WishI WereHome ]</small>