Post deleted by FoundMan

This post should stay at the top of this board.

Lost Husband... Ok my question is - ??? Who are you to say what is right and what is wrong....??? It is a little extreme to compare putting a child rapist into a child care center - to dating before you are divorced... Just for the record I am totally divorced two years in September - and I haven't dated much - but probably it is because more of a fear - of getting hurt - than whether I think it is right or wrong??? I usually read alot of posts and I sometimes stop and scratch my head - and say who are they to say what I do is right or wrong....

Every situation for every person - is different - and how they handle that situation is their own right...
Ok example - Faithful New CJ - went on a date - she brought the man to her house - chose to be open about her dating with her children - yet you guys were all over her for bringing a man to her house??? I have a problem with you guys jumping all over her....

My question is - should she keep her dating a complete secret from her kids??? Isn't that lying to them?? My ex for an example tells my children absolutely nothing about his life - he denies the fact that he has indeed been with the same woman for almost four years - and she just so happens to live next door... And when I start dating or when I go on a date - I will not be afraid to tell the kids ok I am going on a date with "Jim" on Tuesday night - I think that they would be excited that I was going out with someone - I am not going to be marrying the guy but what is wrong with them knowing that I am dating someone??

Also - what happens if you are in fact never over the fact that the person you gave over half of your life to - the person you chose to have children with - the person that you loved with all of your heart - Totally utterly screwed you over - cheated on you - lied to you ??? What happens if you are indeed never over that??? Are you to sit at home and wait until you feel absolutely 100% healed before you venture out in the real world????

I question this stuff because I think alot of people come here and question should they date because well they want to - and then you guys all jump up and down all over them and say no - it isn't right... You should wait - Well you know what - What the hell is everyone waiting for???

I know that I am waiting because well maybe I am afraid??? Maybe I am not ready to deal with another person after what has happened to me?? Maybe I am not ready to go out there and look and maybe face rejection... But that is up to me to decide... Not you guys ...... I mean Lost Husband - your wife is "shacking up" as you put it with a 50 year old man - and your girls are exposed to that everyday - do you think that they think that it is morally wrong and how you live your life is morally right???? They are kids??? I have two girls - and I make comments like I need a boyfriend joking around - and my girls are the first to say - I will go online and find you one.... they want me to have a life - they are sick of seeing me hurt.... I just wonder - why is waiting the right thing to do in all cases... And why you feel that you are the one to tell someone that it is so morally wrong to do so.... And you know what being lonely does suck... And to some people I am thinking that it is SO What??? -- Now I don't understand why you are venting - I am venting because I am just a little tired of listening to everyone tell everyone what is right and what is wrong...... If your marriage is over - and you have been cheated on and you have no chance for recovery - and you have decided it is over - and you want to date - WHO ARE YOU TO TELL THEM IT IS WRONG?????

Some of us were in marriages where we were alone long before the marriage ever ended.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sea Breeze:
<strong> Some of us were in marriages where we were alone long before the marriage ever ended. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hear this a lot. The implication is that somehow this means that the grieving and healing and processing doesn't need to happen.

Post deleted by FoundMan

The grieving and healing process still needs to happen, but other elements are already well on there where.

The finality of divorce is still a shocker along with the realizations of what really happened during your marriage. Once you're divorced people fill you in on what they knew, but weren't about to tell you while you were still married.

For me I had adapted to being alone, without even knowing it. Once we were divorced it was kind of shocking how alone I had been.

I jumped right into the dating scene for a day. Quickly figured out that wasn't for me. Took a few months off from life for myself and then gingerly waded back in.

Even after a few months it was a disaster due to my XW sticking her nose in.

I lived and learned and so did those I was with. In the end it all worked out.

The path isn't the same for everyone.

Lost Husband - fair enough - I am nobody but someone with an opinion also - though I don't "preach" if you will my right and my wrong.... And back to CJ - he wasn't a stranger he was someone that she knew from the PTA for god sake - and he might just well be an a**hole but still she won't know until she gets to know him...And if you are an alcholic and /or a drug addict then I would say you have had your share of not being 100% right?? Right??? You have made mistakes --- I mean people learn from their mistakes - you cannot be 100% moral 24 hours of the day...And sometimes from listening to your responses - I think here is this guy telling people not to do this and not to do that - because he doesnt' think it is right and they might just miss their chance at happiness... Maybe this forum is not the place for me - but when I was at my lowest points I found alot of friends here that I talk to still outside of the boards - and they always talked to me - not at me... They always let me know that it was ok - to feel the way that I feel - Not that I should feel the way that they think is "morally correct"... See what I am saying....Life is short - if someone has a chance at happiness - even if it is from dating - then hell - why can't they enjoy themselves - why do they have to be condemned for doing it.... Faithful CJ - had a problem with a guy - becuase he wanted more than she was willing to give - but everyone just jumped all over her - becuase he was at her house - because her kids knew etc.... And yes children are children - and yes we teach them..... But as a 7 year old - is it right to have them think that dad is morally correct - and mom is shacking up??? I mean eventually they will decide what is right or wrong by what they have been taught - but do they really need to be passing that judgement at age 7??? Just curious??? And obviously I don't think that having a boyfriend means having a life.... But as for a lovelife - it is essential - and why shouldn't everyone have someone in their life that makes them feel special and loved... I am ok on my own I have been that way - for about 3 years now.... But am I lonely yes.... is it controlling my life no... But I do not pass judgement on anyone that is trying to find happiness - even if they are doing it to soon... Or if they are making mistakes while doing it....

Post deleted by FoundMan

Ok fair enough - I am by no means condeming you as a parent or even that I think that you are not entitled to your opinions... I just think that sometimes I read this stuff - and it strikes me that - you and other people are trying to push your beliefs onto people who are actually taken offense to everything... And I am sure you and CJ are friends and good for you - but I was just using her as an example... As for your christian beliefs - well I am not even sure what they are.. I am catholic - I was always raised to believe that god never gives you more than you can handle - and frankly I think that I have handled my share and I am done with that.... Alot of people go to church to find their peace in a time of crisis... I did not choose to go there because well I am not happy with everything that happened to me - and if he was guiding me then I am not happy about where he took me -- so my beliefs are still out there on that one...And I am not striving to be moral at all... Frankly I am probably more lost than most people trying to figure where I fit it in.. I feel like the married person without the husband - and the kids 100% of the time.... But that is a whole other issue.... But - again.. I just interpeted your opinions as saying that everyone is wrong if they don't follow what you believe.... I believe that if you are going to date - there is no reason to involve your children to a degree - they have every right to know what is going on in your life... Hiding people from them is not the answer - I have and do see the results of that.... So if I offended you it was not my intention...I agree to disagree.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by maw64:
<strong>But I do not pass judgement on anyone that is trying to find happiness - even if they are doing it to soon... Or if they are making mistakes while doing it.... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unfortunately, people often have the tendency to assume that someone is passing judgment on them, when all he or she is trying to do is help them avoid making mistakes...or avoid making more mistakes.

I've always believed that we are better off learning from someone else's mistakes than learning "the hard way." When I try to share what I have learned, I do not do so with an attitude that I am "better" than those with whom I am attempting to share my observations or experience, and I certainly do not gloat over their pain. (I've had too much pain of my own to wish that on anyone else.) I do so purely in the hope that, if I cause any pain or discomfort (because, yes, I sometimes speak a bit sharply when I think a softer tone will not be heard), that will be much less than the pain they may be spared.

Back in the 60s, Ralph Carmichael and Kurt Kaiser wrote a musical called "Natural High." Without addressing the artistic merits of the musical, I'll admit that there is a sequence of songs that has stuck with me. The first song has the lyric "What gives you the right to say that I am wrong?" The second song has the lyric "Well you are right, I have no right." And the third song has the lyric "But someone loved me first, before I even knew His name. He turned me on to something good, and I know for you He'll do the same. ...I just want to share."

To me it is very sad when someone tries to share something good or beautiful or helpful, and the only response is "How dare you inflict your views upon me?!" Even if what is shared is off-target, a defensive attitude only demonstrates that "the hard way" is likely to be the only way...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by maw64:
<strong>I agree to disagree.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As you would say, Ok fair enough. And that’s the way it should be. You know you and I don’t have to see eye to eye to have a mutual respect for each other as people, friends, or parents.

But what really does get to me and I’m not pointing a finger at you, but society as a whole, is that when one offers advise/opinion/belief that is contrary to someone else’s they are condemning and judgmental. Granted I’m not as eloquent with words at Gnome but just because I disagree with you doesn’t mean I’m judging you. However when you (figuratively) take that attitude then your mind is closed to even beginning to listen to my point of view.

One last quickie MAW… I see that your walk with God is on shaky grounds but let me just say that God does not lead you to bad things or bad places in your life. Good begets good and God is good and only begets good things. For the bad you have to look at outside influences like other people, pride, and ego.

.....jumping into the deep end of the pool here...
Have been soul searching a lot myself these days. I started dating within a week of my D being final, and it has ended badly. I was just as hurt when this relationship ended as I was when my M ended. That is when I started to realize that dang it all I was not listening to what others were saying - and I figured I was different, my situation was different, I was going to handle it better than others...sounds a lot like fog. Sounds a lot like the words my WH spoke.
My EX even says now "people tried to warn me that I was making a big mistake when I left my W, my kids, my home for OW - but I wouldn't listen. I figured I was different, that my situation was different....In the end it was no different at all.
When I hear these words now, a huge red flag jumps up for me.
I used to think to myself "time, why do I need time to heal?"(translate: "we don't need no stinkin time") what good would it do me to sit around waiting for time to go by? I wanted to be out there doing something!
But the other day I decided to go back and read in my journal - back to last summer,when I was in the pit of despair, and I realized that I am so much better off now. I am so much stronger, healthier, wiser. Why?? What has happened to get me to this point??
Time.
Time has gone by, and healed me. It is an ongoing process. Sure I have done things to help - I read, I pray, I spend time with people who are good for me.
But the bottom line is this - we do need to take some time. We do. We hate that.
My sister died in April. My BIL is still in deep agony. He asked me the other day where I get my peace from, and I said: "time" I said that you don't see it while you are going through it - but with each day that goes by you are a little bit better. After 6 months you can look back and say "hey - I am better today then I was back then." he did not agree with me at first. He said "I am no better today" I said yes you are - remember that first week after she died? you are not that bad anymore. At that point he had to agree.
I am agreeing with LH here.
One final point - when I hear peole say "My M was over years ago anyway, we were just living under the same roof" A red flag jumps up for me again becuase that is what my WH said last year! And it was crap! he was saying that to justify his actions - to make excues for why it was ok to move in with OW - becuase after all his M was over long ago.
But it was crap. And he admits it now.
Seabreeze - I am not trying to say this same is true for you. It is highly likely that your M was truly over years ago. I just always get a little worried whenver I hear those typical fog like sayings. Make sure you are digging a little deeper. Make sure you are not trying to make excuses that sound like a typical WS - because we are all wiser than that!

Good begets good and God is good and only begets good things. For the bad you have to look at outside influences like other people, pride, and ego.
Please elaborate a little..... ????

I don't like to think that I have a closed mind - truly I don't I like to think of myself as actually being liberal - in my beliefs..... I truly think that I should have been brought up in the June Cleaver day - when I could have just stayed at home taking care of my family... But then I have to thank god that I actually had a good job when my world fell apart because if I didn't where would my kids and I be??? You know??? The thing that has happened to me during all of this is that I have been truly rocked - my very core of who I am - has been hugely shaken - and I for one haven't really found out where I belong - that is why I guess I take offense sometimes to someone condemning someone because they are moving forward....Because I most of the time feel stuck and not moving forward or backwards for that matter - if anyone can understand that???

I was the BH. I did not at any time have either an EA or PA.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sea Breeze:
<strong> I was the BH. I did not at any time have either an EA or PA. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Your point is?

I was responding to womanoffaith5's assumption that I was the WS.

“”””Good begets good and God is good and only begets good things. For the bad you have to look at outside influences like other people, pride, and ego. Please elaborate a little..... ????”””

You implied in one of you posts that you didn’t like where He was leading you. And I’m implying that He will not lead you into any evil. However, He will allow you to dwell in misery as long as you like. People refer to the God of the Old Testament without consideration to the new covenant that was made by the Crucifixion of Christ. If you’d like to explore further I’d be happy to do so either on another thread or you can always e-mail me.

”””that is why I guess I take offense sometimes to someone condemning someone because they are moving forward.”””

Who is to say they are moving forward and not sideways or in a lot of cases actually backwards.

“””Because I most of the time feel stuck and not moving forward or backwards for that matter - if anyone can understand that???”””

I’m sorry and yes I do understand.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sea Breeze:
<strong> I was responding to womanoffaith5's assumption that I was the WS. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ah! Except...I believe womanoffaith5 made no such assumption at all. What she said was that you should "Make sure you are not trying to make excuses that sound like a typical WS." A BS is quite capable of becoming befogged and making the same kinds of excuses as a WS. In some ways, I think it's even sadder when a BS falls into this trap, because they have failed to learn from their spouse's mistakes.

Awesome first post, LostHusband. Couldn't agree more. Thanks for stating it so clearly.