My WW and I have decided to get a D.

http://saveyourmarriagecentral.info...mp;m=432107584&r=507101984#507101984

I have lost an immense amount of love for her (still love her as a friend and mother of my babies).

I will be taking custody of the children and, of course, giving her unlimited visitation.

Any advice on how to talk to and tell the kids? If there is ONE single thing we don't want to mess up - this HAS to be it.

spamalope
(okay, I have a vision of a hunk of spam with antlers, which makes me giggle, but my reply will be serious)

Do not give up on this marriage. You say you and your wife are familiar with the Harley method, yet there is no mention of plan B. Plan A and then straight to D? See if there is anything else you can do. Most of us who end up here want to be able to say that we think we really did all we could do to keep the marriage.

I think that your description of </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thursday we had our "meltdown" was a pretty intense and RAW emotionally sharing session between her and I.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">shows a kind of passion left in the marriage relationship that could mean there are sparks left to rekindle.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Thank you for your reply.

Spamalope is actually a Gary Larson (Far Side) creation and your imagery is pretty much mark on! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You know, I do understand that we didn't do a plan B - but it's more of a reality check. At this point, plan B isn't really something that I want.

I want and need to be able to explain the situation well to my babies. They NEED to understand that they are infinitely loved by both of us and that they have no responsibility for the way in which their life is going to change.

I wish they weren't going to have to go through this with me, but I can be there for them. At least on the terms that W and I have come to, I believe she will be best positioned to have a role in their life still.

We will be telling our children, 12 & 6 tonight. Tomorrow, we will be driving W to the place where she will be staying.

PLEASE - any advice on talking to the kids about this!

My girls were 10, 8, & 5 when we had the talk. We all sat down in a knee to knee circle and told them that mom & dad were divorsing. We re-enforced the fact that we both loved them and they both had every right to love us. We laid out where they were going to be sleeping, going to school, and opened up the floor for questions. The questions they asked were very minor details. We did this with only love and there were no finger pointing anywhere just a united front.

Disclaimer: My X went back on everything that we had agreed to tell them. That hurt her relationship with them more than she knows. Please be sure that YOU are being 100% honest with them.

Your 10yo will probably take the news pretty hard but I'm willing to bet that your 5yo will be simply confused. Our youngest couldn't grasp the concept of divorce until I told her that mom and dad won't be living together and that on some nights she'll stay with mom and some with dad. That being said none of them grasped the finality of the situation.

PS. That was the worst day of my life and I don't envy you one bit. Be sure to have a person to vent to after it's over.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

I agree with LH, be as honest as you can with your children, keeping in mind that they are young and don't need to hear all the details.

But, definitely explain all the particulars, like, who they will be living with, which school they will attend, things like that.

Use language they'll understand, alot of times we try talking to our kids as if they were adults and somethings get lost in the translation.

But most importantly, do it with lots of love. Hug them, tell them you will always be there when they need you regardless of who they're living with.

JMHO Good luck

SAL

Here are some words you can use...

"I'm sorry we haven't been telling you more of what's been going on up till now, and I'm sorry your Mom and I are making such big decisions about your life and you don't have control. We want to make this as less hurtful as we can.
You're mom and I are going to live apart and we are planning to get a divorce.

(Be prepared...let them get out some feelings, let them process this awhile...answer any questions, or invite them to ask) Some answers? Mommy loves someone else (or let her explain it).

Then after the whys? and how could yous? PLEASE let them know it had NOTHING to do with them... (kids blame themselves...if I weren't so bad...)

There will be a time when the kids will get practical...you'll know when that will happen by the questions they ask. Yes, you and your W have worked everything out, but let them know your plans and then ask if they want to make any changes...

Let them know the new rules of coparenting (call the other parent anytime, parents don't talk badly EVER about the other parent, you won't interrogate them for gossip about the other house, please don't pass info back and forth between houses...mom and dad will do that, what else?)

Then never, EVER, say a disparaging remark about the other parent...EVER. These little darlings have half your W's genes, and an insult towards your W is putting the kid's down too...

Hope this helps.

I work with teens, and D is one of the more traumatic situations a kid can face...their safety net is gone. If mom and dad can D then what CAN they count on? Be gentle, you've had time to grieve, they will be just starting...

Okay - just called W and she wanted this also.

We're going to plan B for 6 months, starting tomorrow when we drop her off.

We have children - if not for any other reason, we owe it to them to take the last stab at this.

Thanks for the great advice on the talk tonight - they should still apply for a 6 month, no-contact plan B.

Okay - just called W and she wanted this also.

We're going to plan B for 6 months, starting tomorrow when we drop her off.
Huh?
"We" don't do Plan B.
Plan B is not an agreement or discussion between the ws & bs.
It's not a "separation" to "see what happens".
It's the bs not having any contact with the ws until the affair is over.
And it most definitely is not giving the ws ANY sort of timeframe.

Since this is an "agreement" between you both, she probably thinks that it's okay with you for her to carry on her affair.

We have children - if not for any other reason, we owe it to them to take the last stab at this.
If she feels this way, why doesn't she end the affair and do proper to marriage counseling?

<small>[ September 02, 2004, 10:34 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by spamalope:
<strong>We're going to plan B for 6 months, starting tomorrow when we drop her off.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with Chris. This makes no sense at all. If you're going to do a separation, then do it with a plan, such as the one outlined by Lee Raffel in Should I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage.

Dear Stamalope:

I sweated over this one for six months before I said a word.

First, know that there is no easy way to tell them. Next, Know that the secure parent is the one who is going to receive all the fireworks.
Finally, you are in a loose/loose situation. There is no winning way to tell them because they are loosing their family. However, there are some better ways to tell them.

1. Talk in sentences, not in paragraphs (suggested from Focus on the Family).

2. Make sure they know that even though Mommy and Daddy will not be living together anymore, both Mommy and Daddy still love all the children.

3. Make sure they know that both Mommy and Daddy will be seeing all the children regularly. Explain to them who they will be living with.

4. Let them talk. How are you feeling?

5. Children are most concerned with what in their little world will change. So, a positive thing is to be able to say, you'll still have the same friends, the same school, the same house, the same activities(if it is true).

If something is going to change, tell them the positive side as well. We will have to move but you will get a new ... (I bought each of my girls a kitten which pretty much overshadowed selling their home).

6. As the cutodial parent, make sure you SPEND TIME WITH THEM, SPEND TIME WITH THEM, and SPEND TIME WITH THEM. You can say you love them the same as many times as you want but if you are constantly busy, they will not believe you. Let the grass get high. Let the floor go another day without mopping but do not give up whatever special time you have. Cuddle, watch, play.

7. Do not forget that you are more needy than you have ever been. Take out some time every day, or at least each week for yourself. You need to rest. You need to express. You need to connect to people. You probably will need some kind of counsel (not necessarily professional but just people to bounce ideas off of). You need prayer. Do not ignore these needs or they will overwhelm you and then what good will you be?

Remember, telling children is not a quick 5 minute thing. They will ask questions for at least a year after. They will ask why. There is a growing movement not to tell children the truth about adultery because it gives them a negative impression of their parents. You can loose custody in 5 minutes in court if you are convicted of this. So you may have to avoid the truth, without lying. You can answer the why with "Mommy wanted to live with ... but she still loves you very much." No judgement, just facts.

Hope this helps,

Created in God's Image