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#776868 09/05/04 01:36 AM
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 2
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I had my husband arrested saterday after frequent beatings since oct. we were married one year aug 9th.
shortly after marriage, i found out about adderall addiction and illeagal presciptions.
he denied till jan. then was forced to come clean when i showed him all my detective work.
promiced to stop, "tweekie" behaviors continued.
abuse of all types increased. broken nose, ribs, and so on.
his parents refuse to look at proof and help me intervine. he is diabetic, and had triple bypass.
this will kill him. foud out tis week that in addition to adderall, he has prescription for ritilin also...
one thing i am sure of because i am a recovering addict with 7 yrs. clean, The is no hope to save this marriage unless he gets honest
with himself, me and parents.
NOW ONE CAN RATIONALIZE WITH SOMEONE ACTIVE IN THEIR ADDICTION.
I hope to find a way to make his family pull heads out of the sand. and help me save his life.

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#776869 09/05/04 09:30 AM
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Hi Add,

I was glad, for your sake, to hear that you had that "addict" arrested Saturday.

I submit that the real problem here is not that he as an "addict"... but an abuser - a wifebeater.

I'm sure you know much about denial. I think the real problem with addiction here is your addiction to an abusive relationship.

I don't think you need to "intervene" in your H's addiction to drugs. I believe you need to "intervene" more in keeping yourself out of an abusive situation.

Prosecution of beatings is first.

Filing for D is next.

I'm just mean enough to hear with a sense of relief that this abuser's health is not strong... cause I'm concerned that it's him or you. Cause he might just kill you.

SCREW his family. It's not about them.

You need people around YOU to get YOU to pull YOUR head out out of the sand - and DIVORCE this *******!!

He's been beating the **** out of you for nearly one year - just after you married the *****.

DIVORCE HIM!!!

GET OUT OF THERE!!!

L

<small>[ September 05, 2004, 10:38 AM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

#776870 09/05/04 11:11 PM
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I agree one hundred percent with Laura_lee on this one.

There is no permanence in sobriety without a profound change in attitude. From what you write, neither of you has yet changed your attitude. It sounds like your lives are still pretty unmanageable.

If you are a recovering addict yourself, you already should know that you are powerless over drugs, both in yourself and in others.

And I'm sure they told you that two sick heads do not make a well one. You two are poison to each other. Follow through with the prosecution and get away from this addict and his family.

I sincerely recommend that you concentrate on helping yourself and you own recovery.

#776871 09/05/04 01:17 PM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 750
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I am in the process of divorcing my alcoholic husband. Today is traditionally a big day in our lives and I woke this morning dreading the day. I get in my head that since we've been separated for a month, that he has finally "woken up" and gotten the help he needs. He claims that he loves me and I believe that. I know he knows what kind of person I am and deep down I know the kind of person he could be.

The weekends are terribly lonely-yes I can't believe I'm saying lonely. I miss what? Fear of what he'll do while he's drunk? The loss of freedom to walk around my house? The fact that our daughter freely comes here and she wouldn't at all if he were here? Fear that he'll lock me out of the house or we'll go to sleep with all the doors in the house open or worse yet not live to see the next day? How in this world could I miss that?

Why do I keep holding on to that hope? It went through my mind to try to find him today and I went through the plans of how I would find him. It's just crazy. Why? What would I say?

I think the uncertainity of my future and at least terrified alone is worse than terrified with an alcoholic. No it's not. It's worse...much, much worse.

There are much worse things than being alone and being with an alcoholic is tops on that list. After 21 years of living with him, I've lost myself. I keep thinking I'll find myself but after 21 years, friends are few and far between. The few I do have are life long friends. No one wants to be around a family who suffers from alcoholism. It's too scary! I'm finding it very difficult to start over as I'm in my 50's.

I told my counselor that he has about as much of a chance of stopping drinking as I do winning the lottery and I don't buy tickets. After over 30 years of drinking, there's too much damage to him and to me.

I wish I had gotten out after one year and my husband never hit me! It's just a waste.

#776872 09/05/04 04:45 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
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I am also in the process of divorcing my alcoholic husband (though the push to D was because he's having an A and living with OW).

Regardless, addictions are awful. Like jph, I have few friends (hard to make friends when you never know if the H will be around or what shape he'll be in) and it's taken me time to find life of my own since we separated. I've been with STBXH since I was 15, so I really have no idea what a normal relationship is, but I'm finding I wasn't in one.

In drunken rages, he spit on me and he slammed me into a couple walls. He never broke bones, and never beat me. But the emotional effects of living with an addict are definitely there.

I am also afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. I'm only 38--it could be a long haul. And I pray God has something better in store for me.

But regardless, one of the things STBXH gave as a reason for having the A was that he couldn't stand the lack of respect and the chaos at home. Okay...kids still don't respect me. No one ever learned how to respect because he respects no one. But the chaos went with him. It is calm here.

It's still hard to get used to not fearing someone jumping down my throat if underwear hasn't been washed, or if the dishes are dirty, or if dinner isn't fixed. I have freedom...and sometimes it's a really weird feeling.

I'm not an addict myself, so have a hard time understanding. But adderalldestroyslives, you need to make sure, so that you can remain in recovery, that you don't let your H drag you down. What he's doing is inexcusable.

LL

#776873 09/05/04 05:48 PM
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lordslady
Thank you for posting. I often feel everyone on D/D website has gone on with their life as there are few postings.

I'm having a very difficult day. Probably my worst yet. Stbxh affair's started at local football games. Today is the first game. I imagine that he may be with her-while I really doubt that very, very much-you never know with an alcoholic. It's been almost 3 years since he has talked with her and his filing for divorce is because I made him leave. I couldn't take the drinking anymore. If he is with her, then it's both their losses. I really think he may have met someone else and why that bothers me I just don't know. I should be glad.

All day I've had to keep myself from the phone and calling him. I just wanted to know if he went. He's out there having fun while I'm here emotionally paralyzed. I don't know what is wrong with me.

My head and my heart knows that it is past time for us to go our separate ways but my emotions are driving me crazy. I would call my friend but I'm sure she's watching the game with her husband and I know she would think how stupid I am. And she would be right.

When I want to call I think that his attorney asking me why I called in front of my attorney, I would die of embarrassment. If I couldn't find him then I would know he's there. If I could find him, what would I say. Are you there with xow? Are you there with someone else? Why do I have a right to know? I don't.

I should be out at church or meeting with friends for dinner. I should be planning activities and building relationships. I should be but I'm not.

Man I hate this.
\

#776874 09/05/04 07:29 PM
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Stupid me called him at our lake house where he's staying...stupid me..he answered...I hung up...stupid, stupid me. At least I know he's not at the ballgame but what good does that do me. I hate this more than anything...well, not as much as living with an alcoholic. Stupid, stupid me.

#776875 09/05/04 08:25 PM
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Hi JPH,
Dealing with an alcoholic in any form of relationship is a difficult thing at best. My Mother and uncles were alcoholic and my x father in law. There is NO WAY to deal with them on an &#65279;intellectual level.

We as family members of these people are sucked into their deranged worlds and we fight to heal them, to cover up their drunken behavior, to hold our families together at any cost.

These behaviors also spill over into our relationships with non alcoholic people. While some of these behaviors are normal, even admirable, it's the extent to which we prolong them that makes us as abnormal as the alcoholic. It's a very tough thing to let go when you have spent your whole life holding things together. It's a behavior that hurts to your very core of existence to learn and do.

I am not merely preaching to you, I am an adult child of an alcoholic and I fight these behaviors every minute of my life in dealing with the irrational behavior of my stbxw.

Check out the alanon program. I have barely scratched the surface of it as I was quite taken aback with some of the discoveries I made about my behavior and how it was influenced by &#65279;exposure to alcoholics. It was very disturbing to me and I wanted to deny any of it was true. Now that I am starting to understand some of the information and how it effects my behavior in a relationship it makes it a little easier to understand why I am behaving the way I do. Especially the letting go part.

It's a very painful process to go through but entirely necessary as you don't want to spend the rest of your life with an alcoholic who won't admit to their problem and seek help.

Let us know how things are going. I wish you peace, love, and lots of good luck.

David A


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