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#776876 09/05/04 04:06 PM
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David A Offline OP
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Ok I can hear it now, this is a controlling behavior that will do nothing but chase her away.

Just fishing here, really. Not seriously considering this unless there seems to be an upside in it I can't see.

I really believe she is BPD. With pre-menopausal symptoms. I asked her if her Dr did a hormone level check on her last physical / blood test. She didn't know !!! Very low self esteem / body image. She is drop dead gorgeous and doesn't think so. Thinks she is a bad / evil person. Knows what she is doing is wrong but can't stop herself. Has a completly secret life outside our family and her old freinds. Is trying to reconnect with God but can't do it. Has many mood swings sometimes daily. Progressively worsening tinitus ( ringing of the ears ). Other personal physical issues. Drinking quite a bit now. Has alienated all her family and mine. Hers still talks to her but are very hurt and disgusted by her actions. Mine will talk to her in public civilly but won't come to our home for family parties anymore. The kids are becoming more and more difficult to handle as time goes on. Daughter thinks she can be like Mom and have her freedom to do and act as she pleases. Son misses Mom and the closeness they used to share feels somewhat abandoned. You all know how I feel.

Question is, has anyone ever tried a united family intervention with a person exhibiting this kind of behavior ? Is this a foolish idea that will bring nothing but more problems or is there a chance she could accept the concern of 30 or so people and get some serious help ?

My Mother was an alcoholic and we did a family intervention on her which was successful. She dried out and never took another drink for the rest of her life, God Rest Her Soul.....

Opinions please. Anyone ever done this ?

David A

#776877 09/05/04 09:19 PM
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Was she ever in the Persian Gulf War (Operation Desert Storm I)?
Those symptoms are eerily similar to what I have, and I served in the Gulf, and have Gulf War Syndrome. If she was not in the Gulf, then I'm just barking up the wrong tree...
Hope this may help you.
God bless,
TDL

#776878 09/05/04 09:38 PM
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David A Offline OP
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Nope she was never in the Gulf or the military. BPD is Bi Polar Personality disorder. Nasty stuff but is controlable with counseling and drugs.

David A

#776879 09/05/04 11:03 PM
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David,

First, just a little FYI...BPD can stand for BiPolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder. Usually, on this board, we use "BPD" to borderline, and we say "Bipolar" for the other. The organizations out there for this illness are NMHA (Natl. Mental Health Alliance) and DMDA (Depressive/Manic Depressive Assoc.)

Okay...to answer your questions...

As you can tell, I'm a veteran of the mental health wars. My exH is both Bipolar rapid cycling, and has BPD, as well as having General Anxiety Disorder. In addition, he's diabetic, so messing with his medications can harm his health and blood sugar as well as his mental well-being.

I guess to answer your questions, I need to ask a few. Would I be correct to assume that you have read some of the sites that I linked to you before? Have you looked at or read books about Bipolar Disorder? I guess what I'm wondering is have you done enough research to rather rationally support your idea at this time, or is it just a gut reaction guess??

Before you do a family intervention, you might want to make an appointment for BOTH you and her to go to see a PSYCHIATRIST and talk about diagnosis. I have a bit of a concern that you are not a trained medical professional, but you're diagnosing your W. However, as the ex-spouse of a person with Bipolar, NO ONE knows them better, including sometimes themself! We LIVE with them 24/7 and their perceptions are distorted--that's why it's called a mental illness.

Next, if you want to pursue the idea/concept of a family intervention, be prepared to not get very much backing AT ALL. Remember that all the people you would be asking to intervene on your wife's behalf have not only been "hurt" by her, but deeply betrayed and horribly injured. Add to that the fact that they might have to face themselves and some of their shortcomings...and well...often there just is sometimes not much backing. Oh, it's done with an "I don't want to get involved David" or "I don't think it's my place" but it still means a lack of backing. PLUS--interventions can be hard, scary, and full of conflict (thus, conflict-avoiders will AVOID it!).

Finally, and in conclusion, even if you did go to a psychiatrist and have a professional diagnosis...and even if you did have EVERY person in your wife's life come to the intervention and SHOW her that she needed help...well....for a person to truly recover and be part of their own recovery, they have to WANT to recover. At this point, she would have to WANT to admit to herself that she is ill and that her perceptions are distorted and that she needs help. It was my experience that having an intervention, with someone who does not want to see their problem, does not work. Let me share with you what happened in my case--and I would say this was a case that did NOT work, so following my example also most likely will not work:

My exH went to IC after his major A because he was still so miserable and angry. He was LUCKY to get the county's foremost expert on anger management for men as his IC, so in fairly short order, they were working on his raging. A little more time went by, and my exH told his IC that he "felt like something was desperately wrong" and he couldn't stop (raging, staying up all night, etc.). The two of them went over the diagnostic symptoms of Bipolar, BPD, and Anxiety and the doc diagnosed him with all three.

They started exH on a new pill that was supposed to affect bipolar but not have the side effects of Lithium, at which time exH declared himself "cured" and any problems I thought he had after that were MY problem not his!! However his symptoms continued. He still continued to rage. He still continued to stay up for three or four days in a row, then "crash and burn" for a couple of days. He still continued to have internet sex and ONS and claiming it was bipolar--in fact, there were 13 affairs that I can document and prove, but I'm sure there were many, many more.

We attempted to go to a DMDA support group, which my exH resisted. At that group, they suggested that the bipolar person track their own mood on a calendar and see if they can see a pattern. They suggested that the bipolar person rate 1=suicidal and 10=euphoric and try to learn to protect others from themself. They suggested that the bipolar person realize that their partner can help them and does not want to hurt them. My exH did not want to hear ANY of that!!!! He did not WANT to hear that he was responsible for tracking his own self or tracking his own moods or controlling himself. He did NOT WANT TO HEAR that I wanted what was best for him, I was not out to get him. So we left.

Then I tried calling his parents, brother and family, and sister and family--and I told them about all the affairs and his mental illness and BEGGED them to please help me help him. They wouldn't. To help him, they would have to invest themselves, and it's easier to "ignore it and it will go away" or pretend it doesn't exist in the first place. They never even spoke to him about not leaving his family and abandoning his kids!! That's when I realized it was too hard for them to face themselves. They would have had to face that one of them had a problem, and they could not do that. So they ignored it.

He raged worse and worse--I called the police--he blamed me for ruining his reputation--he stalked us--I got a restraining order--and he disappeared from our lives for six months. He didn't speak to his kids, didn't pay any support for his own children, didn't go to support groups or take his medication, and just went on a sex-rampage. Currently, we are divorced and he is facing his mental illness alone...and it's not going well. He is being sued by several former customers, and he is carrying on with a married woman with 4 kids by 4 men. He can't work properly, gets frustrated and screams at inappropriate times--it's just a mess. And here's the truly, truly sad part, David. HE DOES NOT WANT TO CLEAN IT UP.

So there's MY story. Learn from it what you will about interventions. It's sad, isn't it? If your wife does not WANT to recover, David, she won't--and you may have to let her choose to ignore her illness and self-destruct.


CJ

#776880 09/06/04 08:48 AM
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David A


Question is, has anyone ever tried a united family intervention with a person exhibiting this kind of behavior ? Is this a foolish idea that will bring nothing but more problems or is there a chance she could accept the concern of 30 or so people and get some serious help?

Hey David:

I have not heard much either way about a family intervention. I feel that if your W and you can work through these issues; your kids will "come around" so to speak. Your kids are as confused as you are and regardless of who is more at fault; they desire to love you equally, thus the irrational behavior by your DD.

Your situation is very much like mine; except that my WW is not admitting to doing anything "wrong" yet her actions are totally out of character for her during past 15 years. I've been in constant contact with our family MD, our preacher (who knows both of us well), her family & my family.

I can offer this; if she will agree to see your family doctor, both of you should go. First thing to check is possibility of a chemical imbalance and/or pre-menopause. Chemical imbalance is key and can be corrected.

Another suggestion is for (ideally) both of you to set up a phone session w/Steve Harley. It will be the best $185 you ever spent. Even if she will not; I recommend that you do.

Lastly; "Family Dynamics" offers a 3-day crisis marriage weekend that I've heard is very good. FD uses the Harley family techniques and their success rate is high. My WW will not even look at the MB or FD websites, much less consider attending a weekend class, but if yours will; do it!

Good luck!

FR

#776881 09/07/04 10:10 PM
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Question is, has anyone ever tried a united family intervention with a person exhibiting this kind of behavior ? Is this a foolish idea that will bring nothing but more problems or is there a chance she could accept the concern of 30 or so people and get some serious help ?

Yes I have done one on my WH and very glad that I did, even though the results were not what I had hoped for.

There is a national organization that can help you, offering education for everyone involved, planning everything, a support system for the emotional toil it takes to do one. If you want to know more email me at WillGetThruThis@yahoo.com

I am also a sober alcoholic for over 12 years so I have seen and heard many stories over the years. I had to do what I felt was right - which was to try to interrupt the disease in my WH or anyone else I cared about. True they have to want it, but sometimes they are just crying for help and we don't even see it.

What you described above about your wife could have been me 12 years ago, except for the A. Now I am a sober, sane, well balanced adult, and all with no drugs, no diagnoses or surgury. When you find the cause of the disease you can do something about it.

I am glad your mother stopped drinking after the intervention, it doesn't always end up that way, but more often than not, it works.

D.


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