Two weeks ago, my wife of 8 years dropped the bomb on me that she no longer loves me as a husband. She cares about me, but her feelings started developing as early as 3 years ago. Things have been very complicated the last two weeks, but they can be broken down simply after a talk we had last night. Basically, she needs to decide if she wants to leave me, or stay with me and work things out. I’m in limbo and it is killing me. Her leaving would involve also taking our 2 year old daughter away from me out of state. I admit that our relationship has been strained since our child was born. I never would have guessed she was so unhappy. I kick myself for not trying to communicate with her earlier.

To top things off, there is an old boyfriend who never has given her up back home where she would leave to go. I have been checking her cell phone and know that they call each other about every day. I talked with her last night about this and told her to be honest. She admitted that he has always had feelings for her but never said how she feels. I explained to her that I want her to make her decision without any outside influences such as this guy. I also tried to explain that this guy may be meeting some of her emotional needs. But I also meet needs such as financial security and overall family stability. I’m not sure if she agrees with me. She called him again last night after our talk.

I’m very confused and don’t know what to do. She is going back home for at least 2 weeks in Oct. for a wedding. We agreed last night to use this time as a separation. I’m very worried about this ex-boyfriend who she will see for sure. She promised that she would come back to me, but couldn’t promise the circumstances under which she will return. I’m thinking a moving van. We also agreed to keep living together and see a counselor separately until she leaves. I am 100% committed to resolving things. She needs to make her decision. I actually felt better after our talk, we hugged and thanked each other for being honest. Please, is there anything I can do to help her make a decision in favor of keeping our family together? Shoudl I pry deeper into her feelings about her ex or would that hurt things? Thanks for listening.

Jmash

Start in Plan A. You can read all about it on the link in my sig line. As long as your wife has contact with ex-BF, she will have problems feeling anything for you. She is deeply in fantasyland.

In the meantime, print out the emotional needs questionnaire, and start trying to meet her needs.

Hang in there, it is miserable at first, but does get much better.

I was in a similar situation a about a year ago (11 months) My wife went out of state to help her mother recover from breast cancer surgery. When she got back she told me she met up with one of her old boy friends while she was down there and that she was thinking of leaving. We had many talks, I’m guessing similar to your talk with your wife. We agreed to counseling, she never went. We agreed to stay together and try to work things out, she would leave every couple weeks to go to Virginia and spend a long weekend with him. (she said it was to help her mother) She agreed to stop talking to him, she called him everyday as soon as the kids left for school (I only found this out by tapping the phone). To make a long story short she lives in Virginia now (600 miles away) with my two boys. I don’t want to sound negative but the truth is you have a long road ahead of you. One mistake I made was I thought that no matter how bad things got, this would never end my marriage. Well after 14 years my marriage is over and I am now an involuntary absentee father. If I where you I would do everything I could to stop her from going to that wedding, or at least shorten up the time she needs to be down there and GO WITH HER. Try to explain to her how much your marriage means to you and that you don’t think it is strong enough right now stand a long separation.

I would tell you what worked for me, but nothing I did worked. By the time I found out about her A she had her mind made up that she was leaving and I couldn’t convince her to stay. It sounds like your wife still hasn’t made up her mind. If she spends two weeks with this other man he will do everything he can to convince her to stay. Fight for your wife that might be just what she wants to see in you. She may not like you asking her to change her plans, but maybe deep down that is exactly what she wants you to do. I don’t know, if I did maybe my wife would still be here with me. Take the advice of others on this board, they have a lot better advice than I could ever give. Prepare yourself for a battle because that is what it is going to feel like, if you’re a Christian start spending time in prayer and get some prayer support from friends and family.

Good luck jmash, I’ve already said a prayer for you and your family and I know that others will be praying for you too.

Jmash-

I firmly believe in what has been said already, read everything here and put it to use to fight for your marriage. Keep in mind however that it will be the toughest fight of your life and by no means easy.

I also want to address the part about your wife taking your children. I don't know where you live, but most states have laws against one parent being able to take the children away from the other. So unless you have a history of abuse or chemical dependency she may be able to leave, but it doesn't mean she can automatically take the kids with her. You may not have much say in what she does, but your kids are a different matter.

I wish you the best of luck.

Take care and God bless!
K

Still reeling is right. I don't know of any state that allows the custodial parent to simply walk off with the kids - not to mention that there is no guarantee she will even get custody. I couldn't even move 10 miles over the border to the next state if I wanted to unless my H or a judge gave permission.

Still reeling is right. I don't know of any state that allows the custodial parent to simply walk off with the kids - not to mention that there is no guarantee she will even get custody. I couldn't even move 10 miles over the border to the next state if I wanted to unless my H or a judge gave permission.

Well I did confront her about her calls to the ex-boyfried. She admitted that she had confided in him our situation and that she has some feelings for him. She also said that she has had feelings for him and other guys on and off for years but never acted on them. I actually feel better now that the truth is out and we are talking. The last couple of days after we had our heart to heart talk, we have actually gotten along very well. That doesn't change the fact that she called him yesterday and that we are still planning on a separation. I'm afraid that if I demand she doesn't go to the wedding or if I go with her, it may push her farther away. There is no way she won't go or let me go with her, anyway. It also doesn't change the fact that she doesn't know if she wants to work things out with me. Im very confused and would take any more advice. Thanks, Jmash

JMash,

My STBX never would admit to having feelings for anyone else, but I knew otherwise. She just lied to me when I confronted her about it.

The biggest mistake I made was being as nice as I could and letting her walk all over me.

Don't let her take your child away from you. Let her know that she can't do that.

Make it clear to her that if she intends to stay and work things out, then she must break all contact with OM.

If she is not willing to give him up completely, then she is not trying to work things out with you.

Sounds to me like she is looking for a 2 week test ride before she has to decide. Don't let that happen. Let her know that you won't let that happen.

I suggest that you go with her just to make sure she comes back. If she leaves with your child, with your consent, who say's she is going to come back?

My seperation started 1 year ago as a temporary seperation for STBXW to figure out what she wanted. She already knew what she wanted but didn't have the guts to say it upfront. She also knew that I wouldn't have been so easy going if I knew from the start that it was over.

I learned the hard way that foggy people are not the person that you knew. You will also learn things that you never thought she would do.

Be strong from the begginning and start fighting now. don't get walked on for a year like I did.

WIWH

Jmash, I’m not sure what the law says in your state but it is true that most judges look down on someone taking the kids out of state and will give custody to the spouse staying home. I should have explained that the reason my boys are out of state was because I let them go. My WW and I hired our lawyers and started the custody thing going and I saw how it was really affecting my kids. It is so hard to see you kids suffer, I couldn’t convince her to settle out of court so I gave in. My boys are at the age where they will be able to decide who they want to stay with in about a year and I just couldn’t put them through it just so they could decide where to go for themselves in a year. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do but I let them go and I kick myself every night for it. DON’T LET YOUR LITTLE GIRL GO!!! She is young enough that a custody battle shouldn’t affect her like it did my boys. Luckily for me my boys are already thinking about coming home. They always thought of Virginia as a place to go on vacation but now that they live there they are thinking maybe they like home better. I had them up here all last week and they kept telling their friends that if they don’t like the school down there they are coming back. Keep me in your prayers. Sorry didn’t mean to get off on my story.

WIWH is right don’t be too nice and give everything she wants, I did the same thing and she took advantage. He also said that the foggy person his wife became is not the same person he knew, same thing here. I mentioned earlier that I tapped my phone, I wouldn’t recommend this unless you are ready to be sick to your stomach. The woman I listened to talking to OM was not the woman I married. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. IMHO do everything you can to keep her from going to that wedding alone, and if she insists on going keep your daughter with you. If she decides to stay down there with your little girl you may have a battle just getting your daughter back and after she is down there awhile, depending on the state, she becomes a resident of that state and then YOU are the one trying to move your daughter out of state. I know you don’t think your wife would ever do these things and I hope she doesn’t but the fact is this board is full of people who have been blindsided by their spouses.

Something else you might want to think about is go to your doctor and get some anti-depressants. You might not be crazy about this, I know I hated the idea of meds but you have to be thinking clearly now and they can help.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I'm afraid I can't stop her from leaving with my daughter without bringing an attorney into it. That still may not be able to stop her. If it goes that far, my marriage may be over and the custody battle begins. Jmash

JMash,

I'm sure it's the last thing you want to do right now, but I suggest you go and see a lawyer about this. Tell them everything!!!

Make sure that you don't end up in a situation like what Sigs mentioned.

If there has to be a battle, make it a battle for her to take your little girl, not for you to get her back.

If she wants to be away from you, most states will not allow her to move too far away from you with your daughter, especialy across a state line.

It won't hurt you any to go talk to a lawyer right now. Go Today!

The lawyer is only money!!! Even a free consultation can only help you. Protect yourself from regetting things later.

WIWH