Well, I'm new to this board....Came over from Recovery from a failed attempt. I will just be straightforward, and say I was the WS with a 4 mo EA/PA (d-day July 2003). I desperately wanted to work it out, but H felt he could never trust/respect me again - and therefore could never be happy with me again. His decision was just made this past Thursday.

My question is really:

What's normal in the grieving process?

Part of me feels like I have been grieving since February of this year, when it became clear to me that I could not stay in the M we were in - it was imbalanced and without respect. At that point, I began to realize that my H's actions were not what I wanted, and that since he was still debating on whether he wanted to stay with me, the chances of us recovering were getting smaller.

Needless, to say now, he does not want to recover. We have no children, and little property, so it should be a fairly "clean" break. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Since Thursday, I have had some periods where I wanted to cry so badly, but couldn't (work) - times when I felt a little normal - times when I was angry - times when I did cry - and times like now when I feel absolutely numb.

I somewhat anticipated this, so began anti-d's last week.....but I can tell that I am still fairly depressed and know I am sad. Yet it seems all supressed and internal right now.

Is this normal for the grieving process? Someone told me today "well, you're handling this pretty well." I thought - if you only knew how sad I was on the inside.....

Thanks for any help.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by L.I.T:
<strong> Well, I'm new to this board....Came over from Recovery from a failed attempt. I will just be straightforward, and say I was the WS with a 4 mo EA/PA (d-day July 2003). I desperately wanted to work it out, but H felt he could never trust/respect me again - and therefore could never be happy with me again. His decision was just made this past Thursday.

My question is really:

What's normal in the grieving process?

Part of me feels like I have been grieving since February of this year, when it became clear to me that I could not stay in the M we were in - it was imbalanced and without respect. At that point, I began to realize that my H's actions were not what I wanted, and that since he was still debating on whether he wanted to stay with me, the chances of us recovering were getting smaller.

Needless, to say now, he does not want to recover. We have no children, and little property, so it should be a fairly "clean" break. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Since Thursday, I have had some periods where I wanted to cry so badly, but couldn't (work) - times when I felt a little normal - times when I was angry - times when I did cry - and times like now when I feel absolutely numb.

I somewhat anticipated this, so began anti-d's last week.....but I can tell that I am still fairly depressed and know I am sad. Yet it seems all supressed and internal right now.

Is this normal for the grieving process? Someone told me today "well, you're handling this pretty well." I thought - if you only knew how sad I was on the inside.....

Thanks for any help. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear LIT. I'm so very sorry to have you joining us here. I too have regressed from the Recovery Board to this one. But thank God it is here!

So please feel among friends here. I will include you in my prayers for sure.

Listen, first of all YES there is a serious grieving process to go through. Getting a "healthy divorce" is difficult work!! Very important work! Divorce is devastating to many. It tears up hearts & dreams. It is a hateful thing to put it mildly.

Grieving is a huge part of it. There probably is no such thing as a "normal" grieving process. Each one deals with it uniquely. Clearly there are the various stages: Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Acceptance etc. You will likely find yourself going back & forth through these stages at times. But overall, if you work on this intelligently, you will progress along towards Resolution & Acceptance.

Give yourself PERMISSION to grieve!! WARNING: Others around you may or may not assist & accept this in you! I had a boss who was MOST rude & unhelpful as I struggled (still do) with my broken heart. He's a psychological basketcase so what should I expect?

Last, but MOST IMPORTANT. Seek God for grounding & reality & well-being during this ordeal. You've never needed Him more!

High Flight

L.I.T

What's normal in the grieving process?

Don't worry too much about the slow response. Weekends are slow and the fact that you are a wayward spouse is sure to draw some emotional input. Normally "you" are being talked about by a hurting betrayed person on this board. I applaud the fact that you have the guts to post on here and will offer insight as best I can. Note: I am also a BS; however my WW still chooses to "stay in touch" with her OM and is seeking D. Not much I can do but move on as she's made her decision and now our daughters are paying the price. Too bad as they love her very much and she knows not what she's doing to them!!!

You seem to be out of the fog and are now feeling some of the painful consequences of your choices. There will be more of those! As for your grieving; just look through this thread and read what some of the betrayed spouses are going through. Now just consider that you are a BS and read the advice given to them. As the shoe is now on the other foot; you can see what you put your H through and what he had to do in order to cope.

Part of me feels like I have been grieving since February of this year, when it became clear to me that I could not stay in the M we were in - it was imbalanced and without respect. At that point, I began to realize that my H's actions were not what I wanted, and that since he was still debating on whether he wanted to stay with me, the chances of us recovering were getting smaller.

Imbalanced and w/o respect! You do not say when the "interest" by you in having an affair began. Let me ask if you honestly felt your M was imbalanced and w/o respect prior to the A, or was that part of the "reason" (excuse) to justify the A? Many times; "reasons" are brought to the surface in order to help you feel better about having an A. Did you clearly and concisely discuss the imbalance and respect issue with H before you broke your covenant? If so, what was his response? Was the rest of your life in a reasonable state of affairs or was there an outside source of stress that might have affected him (and you)? Did you give him a reasonable amount of time and effort to work with you on these issues?

After deciding that the M was not good, did you put as much effort into helping your M as you did in making the A happen? Consider that question further. Making an A "happen" is no easy chore! In order to properly deceive your spouse, a great amount of planning and execution has to take place which takes a lot of effort by both you and your OM. I wonder what might have happened if you had put forth that same kind of effort in preserving your marriage vows.

Your spouse is hurting big time. I cannot put it into words so that you would understand. However there are some who lurk on this board that are much more eloquent than I with the ability to say exactly what he is going through.

If you want to save your M; I mean if you truly desire to save it, you still have the chance! If you do not, stop reading right here.

1st: If you have not done so; read every page in the "infidelity" section of the marriage builders website.

2nd: Have you produced and sent a "proper" no contact letter to the OM? (Read about it in the infidelity section).

3rd: You will need to make the ultimate commitment to yourself, to God and to your spouse that you will do whatever is necessary to restore faith, love & trust to your spouse. Too many say this w/o meaning it. All this does is prove that you are not trustworthy. Your H does not believe a word you say (rightly so) and you must restore it. If you will follow the Harley's guidelines and make the commitment; there is a good chance that your M will be saved and in fact get better than it ever was.

There is a person who uses the name "Orchid" who is usually on the "infidelity" board with very good insight. If you desire to save the marriage that you've worked so hard to destroy, ask for Orchid and you will get some excellent insight.

Good luck.

FR

FR,

Just a little input. She has been trying to recover her marriage for well over a year now. The A ended well over a year ago. Both she and her H posted here for awhile, but he could never bring himself to forgive her. They started posting about April/May a year ago, if I remember correctly.

I know she has tried all of the MB techniques she could and endured all her H's anger, but finally he has decided he cannot do it. It is not for lack of effort on her part.

FR, I am sorry your situation is not improving. I had hopes that it would. Must go.

God Bless,

JL

Just a little input. She has been trying to recover her marriage for well over a year now. The A ended well over a year ago. Both she and her H posted here for awhile, but he could never bring himself to forgive her. They started posting about April/May a year ago, if I remember correctly.

I know she has tried all of the MB techniques she could and endured all her H's anger, but finally he has decided he cannot do it. It is not for lack of effort on her part.

Just Learning and L.I.T

I am very sorry that I did not realize this. I did not see a short bio after her post and just assumed that she was new here. Wrong assumption on my part! LIT; please accept my humble apology for busting on you and I wish you well on recovery. As I've come to learn; grieving is tough, no matter what the cause. You have my utmost respect for trying so hard, for so long. When I have a few moments (and while dodging hurricanes!) I will look for your prior posts. Perhaps your H will one day be able to put this behind him as well. These situations are such a tough deal for everyone and I am grateful for those who make themselves available; (JL!). Miracles happen though. I wish that I could talk with your H. I would like to be in a position of having my WW make such a commitment toward reconciliation. In may ways he is fortunate. Good luck to both of you.

FR, I am sorry your situation is not improving. I had hopes that it would. Must go.

Thanks JL. Doesn't look good though. I am rapidly losing the desire to keep fighting this fight and find myself looking forward to D. After D will be much easier than working through the fallout from A but I desperately wanted to keep my family together and tried to fight the good fight. Emotions got to me occasionally and I LB-ed a couple of times which didn't help. God has his plans for all of us though and it looks like our time as a family has ended. Thanks for the encouragement and inspiration!

FR

Thank you Fishracer and High Flight...

I suppose I am worried about how I grieve. I am also worried that going back on antidepressants is preventing me (or at least stalling) the grieving process.

I am having trouble sleeping (getting to sleep, and through the night), I am "shaky" or anxious a lot of the time, I am forgetting things, and I often feel like my whole purpose is just to try to make it through the day. I don't really feel any goals, or like making any long term decisions. I am able to cry every once in a while, but often, when I have the opportunity and want to, I cannot. It's driving me nuts.

I just don't know whether this is "stuffing," anti-d's, or denial. I don't know what's normal.

My story is way too long to go into. But suffice it to say that this D was not my decision. When I speak about not being able to stay in my M the way it was, I was referring to the constant punishment by H. He had a pattern before the A to criticize and "punish" me verbally when he was feeling down or inadequate. After I confessed my A, I needed this to change.

From July until Feb of this year, I took the name calling, the derrogatory remarks, the demeaning comments, and hoped that his anger would subside. But by the end of Feb, I realized that perhaps one of the reasons why the behavior had not changed was because I had not stood up for myself. Either before or after the A. So I began to stand up for myself. Not excuses regarding the A - but only that I didn't deserve to be called obscene names any longer. I didn't deserve comments such as "anyone with half a brain would know....", etc.

I do and have taken responsibility for my A. I have been in counseling since Oct, and continue to go. H joined me for about a month, but then quit saying it was too painful and depressing. He started up IC, but does not want MC. He says he cannot change the way he expresses his anger (the derrogatory comments, etc), and that being in the M is not fair to himself or myself. I have to respect that. If he wanted to work on the M, I would be ecstatic - as that is what I would truly want. But I cannot force him to work things out with me.

Fishracer - I'm sorry about the sig line. There was a touchy period just recently where I did not want my H to know that I was posting here again. He viewed MB as a huge LB. But there was an incident that alarmed me greatly as to something he did....I needed some unbiased (or even perhaps biased towards BS) opinions. So I changed my name briefly and deleted my sig line.

I do accept your apology - although I don't really feel that you owe me one. I may not be able to empathize with your pain, but I certainly can sympathize with it, as I know my H feels the same pain. Just as you wish you could speak with your H, I wish I could speak with your W. Truthfully, I wish that more people were willing to work through things in their Ms. I think far too often people give up too easily.

Anyhow, if anyone has experience with stuffing, anti-d effects, or denial....please share with me. I really don't want to do any of this the "easy" way or the "quick" way. The loss of this M is very great to me, and it's not at all what either my H or I wanted. But it is what it is. And I do not want to make the same mistakes in any future relationships.....

Thanks for the words.

L.I.T.- </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I somewhat anticipated this, so began anti-d's last week.....but I can tell that I am still fairly depressed and know I am sad. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Anyhow, if anyone has experience with stuffing, anti-d effects, or denial....please share with me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have some experience with the anti-d's, I'm on my second brand. Most of them take several weeks to take effect and you may not get the full effect for a few months. I should have started years ago.

Jeff is right. It takes about 4 weeks for most anti-depressants to really make a difference. Don't worry, you'll get through this. One day you will realize how much things have changed inside of you. You will feel things/think things you thought you never would or could. And you will be surprised at how good and normal you feel. Hugs. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I do accept your apology - although I don't really feel that you owe me one. I may not be able to empathize with your pain, but I certainly can sympathize with it, as I know my H feels the same pain. Just as you wish you could speak with your H, I wish I could speak with your W. Truthfully, I wish that more people were willing to work through things in their Ms. I think far too often people give up too easily.

LIT: Thanks for accepting my apology. Yes; I did owe it to you as assumptions are one of my pet-peeves, and I was wrong to assume! I have no idea if my talking with your H would/could help but I feel that I could give him some insight that he has not considered. You are correct; he does feel the pain and always will. That's the irony. He knows that he contributed to the problems in your marriage but apparently does not want to wear that hat. There may be old stuff going on there, probably from before he even knew you and unfortunately, he will probably carry it on to his next relationships. I feel for his pain and also for yours. You're carrying double the pain now as you realize that your marriage is nearing its end and also the realization that you had an A. That's a lot of stuff to deal with now that you're out of the fog and see clearly.

As for the anti-D's; my good friend and MD prescribed Zanax for me. Zanax is to be taken only when you feel your nerves being rattled and not every day. It has done wonders for me! Yes; I've had the shakes and the moments when I could take on an army of terrorists. Within 30 minutes of taking a Zanax, I am back to reasonable awareness and calm. Take it from a guy who's hardest drug use was formerly Excedrin; it works.

The rest of the story is that you just have to wait out the grief. I feel you already know this; but it will pass. I'm better than I was a month ago, 3-months ago and so on. There are still tough moments; but it gets better. If I could hug you I would, but my arms get caught up in the monitor! Please tell your H that if he ever wants to talk, to please contact me. I'm not sure if there is a thing I could do; but I would like to talk with him one time! Good luck.

FR

I too am sorry to see that you were not able to save your marriage despite your best efforts. You learned that an affair is a very self destructive escape from the problems in a marriage and that in a marriage in critical condition, it can be the final unplugging from its life support. I have no doubt that you WILL make it and have a happier life after the grieving process ends. You have acknowledged your issues and are trying to resolve them so they can never again come back to haunt you in the future. I wish I could say the same for your stbxh who continued his abusive behavior after your affair ended. He rejected the opportunity to learn to become a better husband and a better person. He has condemned himself to carry the resentment and bitterness with him on his journey through life.

I will pray for you [and your stbxh] that your grief is short lived.