Hello everyone-

Well it looks like after months of stressing and arguing my XH and I have come to terms with altering our original custody plan. We are currently at 85/15 and will be switching to 65/35. I am comfortable with this as I do believe he needs to be more active in their lives and we have set up a lot of contingencies should he return to drinking or other habits of the past.

Funny thing is that after a each spending around $1,000 dollars we are right back to what I told him I was willing to give in the first place. I guess I should be happy because if this goes to court the $1,000 I have spent will look like chump change, but it is irritating none the less to know that his stubborness has once again wasted me money.

Anyway, he currently pays me a set amount every month and I pay for all activities, lessons, child care, school lunch, etc. from it. With our new time schedule we will be switching to a different formula in which I will still be paid a certain amount of support, but the variable expenses will now be split by us 50/50. I know there are probably as many ways of setting up a payment plan for these variables as there are people out there, but I am looking for ideas on how to do it. Would it be best for us to split everything 50/50 as things come up, better for me to continue paying the established fees and having him pay me his share directly splitting other things 50/50 as they come up, better for me to continue paying the established fees and having him pay me his share through child support splitting other things 50/50 as they come up, better to split the kids having me pay for two, him two, other ideas? What tried and true systems are out there?

I am looking for something that would be the easiest to follow and wouldn't have either of us having to front the money waiting for the other to pay. That's why I like child support, it is taken directly out of his check so it is always here on time and there is no waiting or bickering, etc.

Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Take care and God bless!
K

Well, my exH and I have an unusual arrangement, but it works for us. Our decree says we are to split child expenses 50/50--small variable ones to larger ones all right down the middle. Here's the problem we ran into...the continuous dribble of "Mom, I need $2 for ABC tomorrow" and I have no time to call exH and arrange to get his half!

We decided to do this:

He pays his child support on time--I use it for stuff like rent, phone, and electricity.

He pays certain pre-established school costs such as D's hot lunch monthly fee ($50), S's monthly bus pass ($20), and cell phone minutes for each kid ($50 for S and $20 for D). I pay for all those little "Mom can I have ....?" and we go together to buy school supplies, school clothes, etc. We arrange for doctor appointments two weeks in advance so we can split the costs--and school trips, etc. are also just split as much ahead of time as possible.

The basis of our agreement is that my exH does not deal well with unexpected expenses. He blows up!!!! OTOH, I deal with those requests quite a lot better. Soooo...we used those strengths and he gets the pre-established fees and I get the requests out of nowhere.

(BTW, one month I tracked all the kids' requests for $5 here and $10 there, and the amounts were just about even: $140 to $150!)


CJ

AGGGH!
Just as I'm getting ready to post, I find this.
Now, my AHX decides that he doesn't need to pay for any school supplies or incidentals. He thinks CS goes for this. I try to explain that CS goes for housing, food and clothing while they are in my care, and he is responsible for these items while they are in his care. The same goes for school lunches and supplies. He still thinks I need to pay for everything.

I think these should be split since the children use these supplies after they are with him. To date, I've paid for all sports and dance when I take them - I haven't asked for anything from him.

How do I explain this to him? Please help me with legalese. I asked him to ask his girlfriend (divorced) how they handle this, but he's refused.

I get "stuck" with everything - he won't pay for plays, or take them to doctor, dentist or other visits. Help!

Still Reeling - This is right up my alley.. I get my weekly child support directly deposited to my paycheck and the activities "ARE SUPPOSE" to be paid 50/50 - but I always pay for them - and then have to chase him down for money - now lets see for 2 1/2 years - he has never once paid dance school tuition - this year he has decided to pay every other month - he is ok about paying half of lets say - play camp, dance costumes - but this is only if he has the money - and if I have given him copies of my checks - it is royally a pain in the butt -- If I were to do it again - I would try to figure out - the regular activities - divide by the month or by the week - and have that extra amount put into your paycheck along with the child support... I mean I pay for flute lessons, school lunches - school supplies etc. He does not think he has to pay for this stuff... at all.... Though this year the girls did ask him for some school clothes so he took them each out and bought them some stuff... but if I had asked the answer would have been NO.... So I guess what I am thinking you should do is to get most of it worked out - that way there will not have to be so much contact - paper work etc... I am trying the every other month dance tuition - I will see how that goes - but he is gonna pay them directly...Good Luck....

Get a log book and document everything spent and everything received.

Thank you all for responding. I am a bit leary of this as he has no clue how many things I pay for. Luckily since I have been paying for everything I have receipts, etc. to back things up.

I think I will try to get as many established things taken care of up front and taken out with the child support and leave the unexpected to be split 50/50, but am anticipating this to be a pain as I don't want to have to play bill collector, argue over the importance of stuff, etc. I am worried because I don't want the kids to suffer and I want them to maintain their present level of involvement in things etc., but I am worried because if he doesn't hold up his end, with the reduced support I will be receiving I won't be able to cover everything. Right now he is agreeing to everything, but that may change when he sees just how much the variables amount to. We do have four kids after all.

newly- What you wrote is my worst nightmare. Does it say in your divorce agreement that he is responsible for splitting these costs? If so, have you thought about sending him the highlighted clauses and explaining that you expect him to hold up to his half of the costs and will pursue it legally if he keeps this up? I'll have to think more on this and get back to you.

Thanks again for the ideas. Keep them coming.

Take care and God bless!

K

The divorce decree is unclear, and the state guidelines talk about miscellaneous expenses.
I've copied these in a letter - which he's ignored before. Last year, he refused to pay for a school play and my DD was in tears and the teacher got involved. So he finally ponied up. I had paid all extras for 6 months at that point.

My lawyer says not to bother going to court for this, just get him to do it. I'm not concerned about the $20 here and there now, it's the $150 field trips and sports later that I'm concerned about. I've paid for dance and other things on my time, but what happens when X wants to do something on his time. Below is an excerpt from my recent letter to him.
Child Support is intended to cover the child's share of expenses for housing, food, clothing, transportation, entertainment, unreimbursed health care and miscellaneous items while the children are in each parent’s care. The children incur school expenses and miscellaneous expenses while in each of our care and we are each responsible for these. School expenses will continue to grow as the girls have field trips and other expenses. The money you pay for child support only represents that the expenses listed above are greater since I have more time with the children. You are presumed to provide “child support” based on your income and your time with the children.

I've tried to explain that the children use these school supplies when they are with me and with him, so he should cover a portion. He still believes I should pay for all their clothes (at both houses) and school lunches. Some people will never get it.

SR, get this in writing as clearly as you can. Ie. all school related expenses, all intramural and school sports and related fees.

I'd love to hear what would happen if he asked his girlfriend. Because the kids tell me how poor she is, she must sell her plane. Oh poor person.

newly-

This has to be such a pain for you especially since you know he can well afford to split the costs. You are right, child support issues are very vague and they don't appear to be easily enforced.

I was talking to my attorney yesterday about the very issue. I told her I was concerned about how to go about it as last year there was a $25,000 difference between my XH's base salary and his actual income. He of course wants to use the base salary to calculate CS, but the actual income is what he has been earning or at least close to it for the past five years. Then I have to take into account that there are changes going on at XH's place of employment, but so far he hasn't been willing to give me solid proof of his actual earnings this year, has just said they are way lower than in the recent past. My attorney of course is saying we will use last years W2's to calculate the support, but I know my XH will flip at this as I do believe he is earning less. I simply want him to be honest, why can't he be? I don't want to break him, but I don't want to count every last penny since he is underpaying support either.

I am having all things put in writing. We will be splitting all activity fees, equipment fees, medical, dental, school supplies, school fees, sport fees, and child care. My XH really has no clue what these amount to. I just want to come up with a way to ensure that I am not covering everything. I too can afford the smaller stuff on my own, but am very worried about the bigger things especially now that one of my kids is in middle school.

I wish I could offer you more advice, but I simply don't have anything that you don't already know. This really stinks!

Take care and God bless!
K

Try to separate the child care costs from the child support. It does make a difference. He can pay child care costs directly to the source.

And it should be easy to get his recent paychecks, which would show his year to date earnings. Then you can extrapolate the yearly income. And you should use the most recent tax forms and W2s, that is what he made.

Well it looks like we have come up with a figure that should work. In addition to this he is agreeing to paying half of everything and I am having it all laid out in writing so there will be no arguing about what I'm talking about.

I am worried as I his increase in time is reducing the support, but am trusting in God that the formula works and we will be okay.

I am at peace with everything. I understand that the kids do need more time with their dad and after three and a half years of running in circles and jumping through hoops to get the four kids where they need to be, working, etc. I am looking forward to a few extra days off. This peace of mind combined with lower grocery, gas, and utility bills are what's keeping me going. To some extent I think I am forcing myself to feel peaceful as my gut instinct is still to fight all of this.

Anyway, I have stood for what I believe in, I have held my ground, and I have truly acted in what I believe is the best interests of my kids, not myself. With this in mind, I am praying it all works out.

Keep me posted on your situation newly. I'll be thinking of you.

Take care and God bless!
K