This may be my only post here. I want to thank you for all the support and love you have shown my husband whom I know frequents here. And I know you are all smart enough to know there are two sides to every story. I just want to say that he has been fraudulent in describing the details of our lives. It has been an emotionally and at times physically abusive relationship. I was so ashamed I didn't tell anyone for 15 years. And when I did, the abuse got worse because there was more for him to abuse me with. He comes and asks for prayers here but has no real faith. He says he loves yet all I feel is hate. One woman called it when she realized in a post that he wasn't listening to her. I wish that I had had the trust in myself to call him on it the first time it happened. No one here is responsible of course for anyone's actions but their own. And you could never know that you may have unwittingly furthered his cause to keep a marriage alive that I so desperately need to leave. He hasn't and likely will never change. He denies all of it. I think I just needed to post, without naming, a glimpse into our real lives. Bless you all.

Here is a poem about my journey:


The Latch

smoldering embers lay at her feet
the leftovers from dark days
and vainglorious persecutions
and now the fire burned within her
but her head hung in shame
and guttural peircing cries of agony blackened
the night
the silence was noisy
even when the day was bright
the heart a floodgate of love open and free
slammed shut in fear and mistrust
scratching in the dirt she waited, watching
learning the trick of the latch

There is ALWAYS two sides to every story and they say the truth lies in the middle.

I am responding to the verbal/physical abuse. I was married to a man for 20 years who claimed he would never hit me (he didn't, only kicked me and raped me). I took it for all those years until I too had enough. No matter what I said to anyone when I finally had the courage to speak out, they didn't believe me because he was "so great". I left all those so-called *friends* behind for a new life. It included having two of our children estranged from me (which was probably even more painful than the abuse itself). I don't regret leaving, I regret not being prepared enough legally. I was so blind and so hurting that I was literally taken to the cleaners (42 times in court and counting). Any money that I may have had for the future was bled out to the lawyers and I'm still paying.

BUT....I have PEACE, which is totally priceless.

Take care on this journey and remember who you are and where you started. This journey is not easy when you have an ex that has the sympathies of many. You are right, it empowers them. Realize though that you ARE empowered and you can do this.

I urge you to contact your local shelter. You don't have to stay there, but they do have some excellent programs in learning how to respond to an abuser. I'm not saying to leave him, but if he doesn't choose to change his abusive behaviours you may have no choice.

Check out this website for further info: http://www.drirene.com/theabuser.htm

Your post especially touched me. I too am married to a man whom the world thinks is wonderful. He is not the type to hit me with his fists but with his words. He convinces everyone that I'm the one with the problem then when he sees that I've had enough, he back peddles with his accusations. I wonder why people don't see through him.

Now he's filed for divorce which I knew was coming but not so soon. Our daughter and I would hear him talking about us on the phone like we were dirt stuck to the bottom of his shoe. I'm sure he's spouted that garbage far and wide and I'm also sure he now regrets his actions. He called me after filing and asking me to call him. I refused and now I don't answer when he calls. He thought that filing would scare me into accepting his alcoholism and insanity. It didn't and now I'm sure he panicked.

It's very difficult and my emotions go from elated to devastated. One moment I'm relieved to be out of the madness and the next I panic because I wonder if I can make it on my own (my eyesight is very, very bad with no hope of recovery).

I understand the frustration. My husband would go to church and humbly ask for prayer forgetting to mention that he had been drunk the night before and terrified his wife and child...forgetting to mention the horrible things that he said about us and to us...forgetting to mention that we had stood by him in the bad and even worse times. I would like to think that he's finally woken up and grown up but I know better. It will never change and the only hope for peace will be without him in my life. Please know you're not alone and eventually the truth will come out. Sadly my husband's type which is probably not far from your husband's type are not worth the effort...

Good Luck to you.
Although you may not post, please take the time to read the MB concepts on the site. You may learn quite a bit. I believe in the concepts, but also feel that they are difficult to work in the case of abuse.
There are certainly people who come onto the boards and their stories quickly appear suspect.

Newly is right...the MB concepts are great if you are not dealing wih a person who is abusive. I've read this site backwards and forwards and prayed that my ex wasn't abusive...but he is.

What you can do for yourself is to work on yourself. Be the best person you can be. As scary as it was for years -- there IS light at the end of the tunnel. It's a hard road, but the view from the top is awesome. It will never change with my ex. Some days are easier than others, but I have learned so much from the kind people here in coping and dealing with the things that I have to deal with -- be it changing oil or dealing with teens!

Welcome

Thank you for all of your responses. I have actually read the site and the concepts previously, at least most of them. My husband talked to me about them and basically told me where I fit in. But he preferred to blame and accuse me rather than look at the real situation, the underlying causes of our problems and ultimately of his problems. I have considered some of your suggestions and in fact, have read a great deal about the subject and am finally understanding the dynamics of such a relationship. You are right, the MB concepts would not be effective in this type of relationship although they do seem to be valid for other issues than abuse. I guess I am just a bit angry that he would come here, go to Divorce Busters, get counseling with me and my himself and never once admit what has really gone on. His self perception is that of a "nice guy" and he will deny everything in order to uphold that view. I just wanted to call him on it, without the harm of naming him, just to say, "Hey, some people are really pulling the wool over your eyes!!" I mean, I know there is nothing you can do, but he even posts like he is religious here and its all an act, lol...Maybe doing this is just therapeutic in a way, I don't know, but I just felt that it needed to be said. And please, the summary of when he implemented Plan A and Plan B never happened, lol...he only succeeded in more blame, more accusation, more belittling...And if this sounds bitter, I don't know that I am although I do stifle my anger a lot. I was always so hopeful and loving and I feel like he stole my spirit. And even though I know that that isn't really the case, my job now is to work on healing and realizing fully that I am whole. Trust is a big issue for me, but I feel that if I can strengthen my inner core and my connection to God, I will do just fine.

I have to know. Are you "the sparrow"? I always wondered about that fellow who wrote about you. Strange bird.

Ignited One... I too felt that way about my now ex. What I did find out was that he is narcissistic. My ex learned how to manipulate any situation (words, conversations, articles etc.) so that he was the "almighty one". I remember going back to church (we NEVER went to church in 19 years!) to find peace within myself. He went all of about 6 times and then made *friends* with the minister. I will forever remember the day the minister's wife came up to me and told me how "selfish" I was for going back to school fulltime and "no wonder you have problems in your marriage because your family is no longer important". I left the church and knew the only one to place judgement on me was GOD.

It's frustrating, discouraging and so tiring to keep up to their game. My ex was and is a sick man. It isn't about me, it's ALWAYS about HIM. Once you realize that, you can cope with it much better. There are some excellent books and also websites on how to cope with narcissists -- I truly believe that most abusive men/women are obsessively self-centered. I KNOW if my ex would come here and post, you bet he'd have the sympathies of the board and ohhhhhhhh poor Mr. Ex, Elan must be just horrible.

Hang in there and again -- welcome.

Gosh, I love getting validation, lol...That is awful Elan. It's like the marriage counselor who can't see the forest for the trees, or however that saying goes. I am so glad you had the fortitude to know that what other people said to you was wrong. If that had been me, I would have wondered if perhaps they were right, because that is how far gone I've become. Even though I have known for some time the relationship was abusive and would say what he does, none of it sounds bad until you put it in a larger context. (I can't remember my last post, so I hope I am not repeating myself). This week has been great for me in terms of growth in the area of recognizing BS (hope that's not a MB term other than "bolonga" lol) and seeing it for what it was and knowing that I am sane!

No, Kimmie, I don't think I am the sparrow. I've never been referred to as one. I've been referred to as other animals, but not birds, lol...