If anybody reads the GQII boards, they know the details, if not, in a nutshell, my wife is having an affair, will not stop it and now we both want her to move out while she is still in the A, according to her so she can "figure out what she wants".

As a loyal husband, I have no desire to give her much more than what she needs. I am going to post what I want to do, and what she tells me why she does not like it. Please let me know what you think.

Kids:
I want full custody. I will pay for daycare and all of the kids living expensise until she finds fulltime employment. At which time we can adjust the bill accordingly. Are kids are 3years old and would need full time daycare 5 days/week.

She can have the kids as often as she likes, within reason. I would like to see her with them no less than every-other weekend. During the week is fine too.

Maintenance:
Since I am covering the kids in full, none.

Assets:
As even a split as possible. She can have the money from the house selling after the credit cards and loans are paid off.

She does not want me to pay for day-care. She thinks I should pay her child support so she does not have to get a job. Can she do that? She currently works 16 hours/week and has shown not interest in working more. She still wants to be a stay at home mom.

Any suggestions?

If these are your intentions, and she obviously is going to fight you on them. I suggest you see a lawyer ASAP.

It sounds to me like you are not going to wait for her to figure out what she wants. Are you planning on filing or some sort of legal seperation?

Ok, if you really want a response. I don't know your whole story.
Full Custody is out (for both sides). It is an attempt at control - controlling her time with the kids. So drop that thought right away. And really, could you handle it working full time? Be realistic.
Most states are moving toward 50/50 custody, and veering only if a precedent exists. By demanding FC it appears you are trying to punish WW. Divorce is without cause in most states as is Custody. Joint legal custody with shared parenting is the norm unless you can site abuse.

Now, the asset split is 50/50 too of anything acquired during the marriage.

Child support is typically a formula based on the incomes of both parties and the parenting time (new word for visitation). If parents both make the same and have 50/50 custody, no one get CS.
Alimony is an issue in some states if the M is over 10 years.

Now, getting a new daycare situation is a good idea. Your wife currently work 16 hours per week and is capable of working more, so you want to calculate a salary she is able to make and base CS on that. It's pretty cut and dry. Even if someone wants to remain underemployed, the "imputed" salary is negotiable based on what they are capable of making.

There are many great books out there on parenting through a divorce. I highly recommend "Mom's House/Dad's House" and "how to help your children cope with divorce the Sandcastles Way"

And you may also want to find a rainbows program for your children. www.rainbows.org and a divorce support group for yourself. It's a great place to answer basic questions like custody and others will know the laws in your state.

Canthishelp:
Good luck. I don't want to scare you but what you are asking for rarely happens unless you can get your WW to agree to it and settle before you go before the judge. Every state and sometimes jurisdiction is different. My WxW and I agreed on everything but custody. I had an attorney ad litem appointed to represent the kids. My youngest sat in his mothers lap and told the ad litem that he wants to live with me. My oldest took the stand and told the judge that he wants to live with me. Because I worked my a$$ off so she could stay home with the kids the first 4 years, the ad litem said that she was the primary care giver and should get custody, the judge agreed. I get to give her 1/4 of my paycheck for the right to see my kids 2 days out of 14. Her having an A makes her a bad wife, not a bad mother. It may not be right but thats the way it is.

I know full custody is a long shot, and may not be realistic. At least I want to be the custodial parent. She has not been too great a mom lately, but we shall see.

I thank you for the advice and insight.

I will be speaking to my lawyer on Wednesday.

You say she hasn’t been a great mother lately? How? What has she done or not done make you say this? My WW was an awful mother during her A and she couldn’t even see it. Everyone told me to start a log. Make a list of all the things she does, include times and dates if you can remember, and keep the list going, add to it everyday if she does things that should be on the list. It may or may not help in court but it wont hurt.

As everyone has mentioned, full custody is out, especially if you are male, shared custody is the way to go unless your WW agree for you to be custodial parent. As in my case I got my XWW to grant me custodial parent, was by choice but I think she knew she was not been a good mother at the time, I knew what I wanted and more level headed than she was at the time.

In most states the mother will have the custodial rights unless you can prove her unfit and that is usually difficult. Chances are you will be paying child support, even though she destroyed your marriage and your life.

One thing that seems to occur is that we penalize our children, this is between you and your WW. Do not allow the courts to make the decision, it is usually not pleasant. My XWW and I spit equal time with our kids, sometime we spend the weekend together but the one thing we do not do is play a tug of war game with them. You have to do the right thing. Eventually, you WW will see the huge mistake she has made, the burden she will have to carry on her shoulder. The grass is not always greener on the other side, it may seem so at first . My XWW said to me she was not happy, two years later she still is trying to find happiness.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by canthishelp:
<strong> Kids:
I want full custody. I will pay for daycare and all of the kids living expensise until she finds fulltime employment. At which time we can adjust the bill accordingly. Are kids are 3years old and would need full time daycare 5 days/week.

She can have the kids as often as she likes, within reason. I would like to see her with them no less than every-other weekend. During the week is fine too. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Custody nowadays is divided into two parts: "parenting decisions" and "where they live."

Usually there is a 50/50 sharing of parenting decisions unless one partner is a convicted pedofile or murderer--and even then, they still have parental rights!! So, since your STBXW is not a pedofile or murderer, she will most likely be granted at least SOME parenting decisions--and it will probably be 50/50! That is to say, you and she will probably make all the decisions about the kids, their educations, their extra curricular activities together. You will also split things like medical expenses and medical decisions.

"Where they live" is another story. Most judges want to have BOTH parents involved and active in the children's lives, so they try to get the parties to agree to as close to 50/50 as possible. Your STBXW's affair will not be taken into consideration. What they will consider is who spent the most time with the kids, who is the primary caretaker, who they are emotionally attached to, etc. Thus, often a W will get "physical custody" merely because she was the SAHM and her poor H worked two jobs to support her and the kids!

Another fairly HUGE consideration is that judges usually want as little change as possible in the kids' lives. If they grew up in the home and have friends in the 'hood and go to a certain church etc. then it is to your advantage if you can show that by staying with you, their lives will be more stable. They will be staying in their own beds, in their bedrooms, in their neighborhood, at their school, with their friends and their teacher--and yes it will confuse them to lose time with mom, but every other area of their life will be the same. See what I mean?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Maintenance:
Since I am covering the kids in full, none.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Once again, a symantics thing. Maintenance is the new term for "alimony"--Child support is covering the kids.

Both alimony and child support are fairly cut and dried. You make $X and have the degree and experience to make $X+1...she makes $Y and has the degree and experience to make $3Y. If you want to PROVE that she has the capacity to make $3Y, you'll need to show her transcripts and former checkstubs, etc. Does that make sense?

Alimony is determined by stuff like: How long was the marriage? Did she put you through school at the expense of her own degree? Has she been a SAHM for a decade? Did she support your business and not advance her own career? If so, she MAY be eligible for alimony! OTOH, if the marriage was short, she has her own degree, she was only a SAHM for the last year, and she was a career woman for all of her life except the last two years...she is probably NOT eligible for alimony. Alimony is to help a wife in the situation I was in: married for 15 years (together for 17), SAHM the whole time, put my exH through school to earn two degrees, worked with him at HIS business helping to improve his career, and he was the "breadmaker" while I was the "homemaker." Obviously, after a 15 year absence, my earning abilities were SUBSTANTIALLY less than his earning abilities, and his earning abilities were partially where they were due to my support and efforts.

(BTW, in my instance, I was eligible for alimony, but chose a 60/40 split of the house in my favor instead).

CHILD SUPPORT, on the othe hand, is fairly easy to calculate. 20% of your income + her income is considered to be the marriage's amount to supporting the children. This total is divided by the percentage of days the children are at the custodial parent's house and the other parent's house. For example, if the kids spend less than 42 nights per year at the visiting parent's house, then CS is calculated one way...but if it's MORE than 42 nights per year, it's calculated another. Let's "imagine" that you two are close to 50/50 (180 nights/year at each house)--your income is $4,000/mo. and her income is $1200/mo. The total marital income is $6,200.00/mo. and 20% of that (about $1250) is considered to go to supporting the children.

So you make about 65% of the marital income, and she makes about 35%...and child support would be about $625/parent. Your wife only makes $435 she can contribute to the total CS, so you'd have to kick in about $190.

See how easy that is?? It's like a mathematical formula, and fairly cut and dried. By the same token, if you agree to pay her $200 out of the kindness of your heart for your children...or if she agrees to accept $150 because she wants to support herself...then you two CAN agree to a figure.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Assets:
As even a split as possible. She can have the money from the house selling after the credit cards and loans are paid off. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This part is also fairly business-like. Think of it as a contract, CTH. In real life, you and your wife had a business contract that said that you agreed to live together and accumulate assets and debts together. In the event that the contract is broken, you agree to split all assets accumulated during the partnership...split all the debts too. It's not up to you to decide. BUT, any inheritance you received from outside the marriage does not necessarily need to be split...and anything brought into the marriage does not need to be split. Soooo...if you used your inheritance to build/repair/remodel or purchase the house, you MAY be able to claim a larger portion of the house because the inheritance is yours first. Check with your attorney on that one, okay???

CTH, here's reality--DIVORCE SUCKS!!! You are going to lose some things that are precious to you (and I don't mean possessions). No one is going to win.


CJ

<small>[ September 08, 2004, 12:18 AM: Message edited by: FaithfulNewCJ ]</small>

CJ, thanks for the input, and I have some more info to share and ask about.

In NY Sate, with 2 kids, 25% of the gross income is for the kids. Lets say I make 70,000 and she makes 7,000 per year. Total of 77,000. 25% of that is 19,250/year. Since I make 90% of the 77,000, I am responsible for 90% of the 19,250 or a total of 17,325. If we split the kids 50/50, does it follow I have to give her 1/2 of that or a total of 8662.5/year or 166.59/week? I think that is correct, but not sure. Waiting to hear from my lawyer.

I am going to push for physical custody, but do not think my chances are too good.

We talked last night and came up with the following:
I get the kids M and T (have to be in Daycare during the work day) She picks the kids up W morning and has them until noon on Saturday. Then I keep them until noon on Sunday and she either take them Sunday or not, we will switch each week, then the cycle starts over again. If she keeps them on Sunday, she will take them to DC in the AM and I will pick them up.

Since we have only been married for 4 years and our kids are three, she has been a SAHM for a little over 3 years, I am not sure how much maintenance I will have to give her.

I have the calculations in an excel spreadsheet.
Post your e-mail address if you'd like me to send it. I've sent it before.
And with your numbers, you'll be paying alimony too. The courts try to get the family incomes to within 10% of each other. I show this on the worksheet. Based on my calcs, if you have 50/50 custody, you'll be paying over $2,500 per month between alimony and CS.
The 7,000 she makes now is not what she is capable of making if she worked full time so you'll need to factor in a real salary.
And, child care costs are outside of the CS and alimony calcs, and will be based on your %age of family income, so again you'll pay more.
Good Luck.

email is
pleshrj@yahoo.com

Thanks, I think <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Am about to go through a Divorce. We've tried to make it work for about 4yrs. I'm the breadwinner, wife is on Social Security Disability (Cant work, but is quite mobile, in pain mngt.) She recently applied for a part time job, but know says why should she.
Couple Questions

1)Has anyone been through a divoce with the other half being on SS Disability? I want to be fair about alimony, but not end up homeless.

2) Newly, if you could send your spreadsheet?
to: chucko_1234@yahoo.com

Thank you, and this just sucks all the way around.