I read Jen's thread on changing her name back to her maiden name, and I too, have been pondering this.

My biggest struggle is the kids.

If I did NOT have kids, emotionally, I DO NOT WANT MY XWH'S NAME!! I cringe when I have to spell it (my maiden name is a breeze, his is a genuine pain in the [censored]). I flinch when I have to say it. It sickens me to think about how another woman, the OW, will share this name with me. And, I took his name as a symbol of my love and devotion to him in MARRIAGE. He has clearly wrecked all of that beyone repair, and our divorce should be final in a matter of weeks, so why "honor him" in this way?

However, I do have kids, and I know they already feel displaced, abandoned, and shocked enough. Do they also need to have a Mom that does not even share their name. (I have two little ones, 10 year old and a 4 year old). I DO NOT want the awkward moments at class field trips, or when their friends come over, or when I speak to their teachers...I DO NOT want my daughter's wedding invitationsone day to be a hodge podge of names and identities... I want them to feel like they still belong to this cohesive family, albeit a dysfunctional and messed up one, but a family none the less.

And as a parent, generally speaking, I feel as if I need to suck it up and do what I have to do for their peace of mind. For their comfort. For their happiness.

What are your thoughts?

I HATE adultery and divorce. I am facing quite a bit of anger and bitterness right now, so I thought it prudent to get some more balanced opinions.

For the kids, I'll keep the name.
For work, I've always used both names - no hyphens (which seems to be more confusing).
And neither name is particularly good or easy anyway, so, for now, I'll keep the AH's name.
And thank god that I don't have to live with his inane behavior any longer.
A name is just a name, it's not who you are.

I chose to hyphenate my kids' names, and keep my maiden name. (I'm just a Lennon, and they're all Lennon-Kelly's)

Granted, my boys were all very young when I left my ex for good, so that helped.

I'd rather have given them only my surname, but instead, I've allowed my KIDS to make a decision about THEIR NAME in the future. If they choose to drop his, then I'll personally take them to the land registry office and pay for it! LOL

As far as the schools go.. they are VERY used to the multitudes of families out and about now. It's no surprise to them to have a parent with a different surname than the kids.

Karen

I didn't change my name at the time of my divorce because I couldn't afford a real name change. I didn't want his name but I didn't like my maiden name. So, when I got good and ready, I changed my name to one I selected. My daughter who was about 10 at the time was mad at me for a day or two and then got used to it.

After all, a name is a label. It does not define you though it does identify you. I explained that their dad was gettting married again and I didn't need his name if he was giving it to her too. This had nothing to do with them but everything to do with me.

As for what I get called, most of the teacher's get it. As for the children, sometimes I get called Ms. Gillian or Mrs. Nate. But, once upon a time, I was known as Sunshine's mom - Sunshine was my dog. So a title in front of my child's name is ok with me.

Don't worry about the wedding invitations. Heaven's that's probably years away. If you need a new name now, get one.

Besides, you can always change it again.

My kids were 5 and 2 when it was final. They are 9 and 6 now, and handle most of the 'correcting' teachers and others themselves.

My son asked me about it once and I explained that it was my dad's name and I was proud of it. My kids never met my dad and know that he died in an accident before I was married. They have their dad's name, so it makes sense to them.

I did NOT want to be Mrs. Humperdinck for one more minute ... THAT name was his mother's! I'd take Focker anyday. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

In the sunshine state of Colorado, at the final divorce decree you have the OPTION of keeping your married name or going back to your maiden name. A name-change can be included in the deal!

In my instance, I chose NOT to return to my maiden name because that name no longer reflected who I am. I am no longer my father's daughter and had not been for quite a while! And whilst I was hurt and angry at my exH, the family name that I did not abandon did somewhat reflect the events in my life that made me the woman I am today. Also, it was my children's name so that there were some positive things associated with that name.

Soooo...I chose to legally change my name to MS. CJ (Married Name) and skip my middle name. Well...technically the "CJ" refers back to my middle name, but you get the drift. My children are J-- D-- (Married Name) and S-- S-- (Married Name) so there is no confusion at school, and guess what? To me, my married name reflects what I have grown through and matured through to become the woman I am!


CJ

In the sunshine state of Colorado, at the final divorce decree you have the OPTION of keeping your married name or going back to your maiden name.

Iowa is the same way. My son's GF's mom/dad divorced earier this year and the mom took back her maiden name. Not only that, but son's GF legally changed her last name to her mother's maiden name as well. Guess they REALLY must have been fed up with the guy!

But in my case, not only did I never consider it because, like CJ, it's been a LONG time since I was that other person and it doesn't feel like the right name anymore, but my maiden name was a pain in the rear to pronounce, and my married name is very generic and easy.

And, I want to have the same last name as my kids.

LL