What started out as an affair between my H and OW that began almost a year ago has morphed into something truly monstrous. I'd like to know whether you've had similar experiences and what you've done.<p>The OW is the mother of my teenage son's good friend and a woman who pretended to be my friend in order to gain access to my H. Their affair started almost a year ago, and I found out in Oct. This close family relationship has made the affair particularly revolting to me and my son.<p>The affair seems to have been caused by stresses on the family involved in moving to a different land with a different culture and language. My husband retired at 40 in the US, then began working at home on his stock investments and playing househusband in this European country while I worked. The problem with this scenario is that people don't retire at 40 here and women don't typically work outside of the home. So my entire family became an oddity here, and my husband became hypersensitive to the fact that he was perceived as not being gainfully employed, but doing women's work. During my long work days, while I struggled with my own issues, my husband found a woman who was physically present and unhappy in her own marriage. My husband made the mistake of listening to OW's marital problems, and she ended up seducing him, then continued to exploit his cultural naivete. All this while I struggled to bring home the bacon.<p>There was a brief separation last November, then H returned to try again. He eventually decided to return to school and retrain for a new career here, as a way to build his self-esteem. We also entered counseling with Steve.<p>Now the schooling has become the new mistress. I don't even think he has much contact with the OW now, but he moved out again (without warning) two weeks ago so he could study without distraction for a test. My 16-year-old, who has always been close to Dad, went ballistic and broke some of Dad's camera equipment, then left him threatening instant messages on his cell phone. These actions seem to have hardened my husband's heart and he refuses to come by or call, fearing retribution from our son. What my son did wasn't right by any means, but he is angry and wants Dad to pay attention to him. Steve told my H that he MUST be a man and try to chip away at the barrier between my H and son, to avoid an untenable rift that could last a long, long time. Instead of following his advice, my husband seems more hardened than ever, and he snuck over and took away my son's beloved dog. My son said yesterday, "Now I have nothing. No father, no dog."<p>Although I was meeting his ENs adequately when we began counseling, he was not doing the same for me, and now his love bank account is overdrawn. I am not sure I want a person who is capable of such cruelty back in my life when I see what he is doing to his son. I am ready to move my son back to the States, far far away from his dad. Steve believes that the marriage would be unsalvageable from such a distance. Any of you have any similar kinds of experiences?

There just are not that many people that can relate to the externals of your situation. I can, 'cause I was in your husband's spot, (including not getting my EN's met because my wife was married to her very demanding job, not me) but I did not at all respond as your husband did, so it is a little hard to relate.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I don't even think he has much contact with the OW now <hr></blockquote>
!!!!- You don't know?
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> he moved out again ... two weeks ago so he could study without distraction for a test <hr></blockquote><p>Most times when a spouse moves out, it is to more easily conduct an affair. Hardening his heart fits, too. Obviously I cannot be certain...<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I was meeting his ENs adequately when we began counseling <hr></blockquote> If he was continuing the affair, they probably were not getting through.<p>The only insight I have is that he probably feels overwhelmed, and feels abandoned by you, but you probably already know that. Yes the culture shock contributed, especially to the overwhelmed part. The other insight I have is that we were completely unprepared for the stresses the expat assignment and role change put on our marriage, and while we were getting by in the US, we just about fell apart under the added stress. If I had had good counseling about the expat assignement, it would have been to read FIL/SIL or Five Steps to Romantic Love, or just read through the Basic Concepts section on this web site, and then apply what we learned. Our marriage had real problems that we were not addressing before the expat assignment, because we did not know what a good mariage looked like, and did not have the tools necessary to get there from where we were. Those references would have provided us with both the tools and the vision if we had known about them. As for Your H's actions, well, It is a little bit as if he is insane right now, unless this is his normal Modus Operendi.