My wife and I were married for ten yrs and lived together for five yrs prior to being married. She had an affair two years ago. I spent a year and a half trying to figure out how to save my marriage. I forgave her for the affair but her temperment was aweful. She would scream when I came in the door from work at least three times a week because something had gone wrong during her day (stay at home mom). The volitility got to be too much so I left this past March.

Here is the situation now. I dated someone for two months up until three weeks ago and I broke it off because something in my heart told me I needed to try with my wife one more time to see if there was anything left. During a serious conversation recently, she admitted to me that after I left the house she started seeing the guy again that she cheated on me with (I knew about that), after that stopped she immediately started to see another guy for a few months and then she told me she basically had a one night stand with another woman.. Soooo, I kind of felt bad about dating the one girl but now I see she has been a busy woman. When she called me today to tell me her hair appt. had canceled she was crying because it bothered her so much. I am sitting here looking at the situation and where I had thought and hoped she had grown as a person the last six months apart, what I find is a woman who is desperate for attention and is a very immature 30 something.
I look at the positives of going back with her as she being the mother of our two small kids, the friendship we shared for years and the hope I can help her straighten things out. The negatives are I'm almost positive she will cheat on me again, she is very immature in the emotional dept. and I understand that you can't change anyone unless they are willing to change.
I love this woman very much but I'm almost certain I will pay the price again with my heart if I agree to work things out. On a side note, her only sibiling is a brother who has been married for 13yrs and he has had over ten affairs on his wife. He has bragged about them in the past to me. Can you say we have some childhood issues here.

Please tell me if I am looking at this wrong.. I have joint custody of my kids (get them half the time)and they are pretty well adjusted to the separation, I am seeking peace in my life and even though I love my wife she does not give me peace, I probably can't say that I gave 100% in trying to put this marriage back together but I did work hard and I saw very little response from my wife. I'm ready to "cut the rope" and move on with my life. I feel life is too short not to be happy.

The million dollar question is: When you know somebody is bad for you and you know it will not work out, how do you "put the finishing touches" on the marriage and move on? I need closure.

Thank you for all replies...

Wow...don't know what to tell you! Your heart must be torn in two!

Have you tried counseling? That, to me, would be my last effort. At least there, you could see if she is willing to try to make some changes in her life. I don't think you can make the decision to reconcile with her unless you see some effort on her part. Otherwise, you already know what's going to happen, and that's not good for the kids either.

I'm praying for you.

I reentered counseling with her about three weeks ago. Problem is that she says that she loves me and wants to get back together but all I get is lipservice. One thing I left out from the above post is that she saw 7 therapists in 8 yrs during our marriage to help her work on herself. Whenever a counselor got too close she quite going to them. I'm at my wits end with her.

Try filling out the EN questionnaires together, as well as the LB and recreational ones. Tell your W about MB, and get to her, a copy of SAA. Let her know what your EN's are, and explain to her that you love her, and would like to reconcile, but then line out specifically what SHE needs to do for that to happen.

Of course, you should also expect for her to tell you what she needs of you too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Then do it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
That would be your plan A.

Then give yourself a timeline. 3 months of plan Aing is considered good (although each situation varies).

You've only been apart for 6 months at this point. That's really not a long period of time. You've got nothing to lose, and all things to gain, by at least trying to fix your M the MB way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And even if reconciliation doesn't occur, going through the process of knowing you've done all you can, will really help you in your healing and you'll be able to cut that rope in peace.

Karen

Your WW reminds me of my ex-WW [first W] in that she also had many affairs during our marriage. I pleaded with her many times to go with me to counseling but she flatly rejected the idea. As time went by I lost all the love I had for her and I eventually divorced her. I had plenty of evidence of her unfitness as a parent that the court granted me physical custody of our daughters. Soon afterwards her self destructive lifestyle reached its peak and she attempted suicide. She was institutionalized and she finally acknowledged her sickness and the need for therapy. Today she is a far different woman than the one I was married to. I am happy for her and our daughters [they have their mother back from the abyss]. In my ex-WW's words, she had to hit rock bottom before she could finally open her eyes that she was killing herself and fight to reclaim her life.

My point is that a great many multiple affair WS's are very sick people. They usually have unresolved issues that pre-date the marriage. Marriage counseling is ill equipped to help them deal and resolve these issues. And it is up to the WS to make the acknowledgement and decision to conquer their demons.

What does the counselor say about the situation?

I know a counselor can't MAKE someone do something, but does he/she at least "call" your wife on her "lip service?"

The counselor has told us to "get in there a love one another". He told us to start back having intimate relations and get the ball rolling. I have accused him of "keeping score" of all his divorcing couples and trying to keep everyone together for his success but he denies it. I tried to initiate intimate relations about a week ago and my wife told me that it was "that time of the month" and that she wasn't sure if she would go thru with it anyway. She says she loves me and wants this to work out but she is not following thru with actions. No affection nor any type of action that shows me anything.

Another thing is that she told me that she is afraid of hurting me again. I read into that is that she doesn't even trust herself and is not confident enough in her decision making. I do feel that there have been multiple affairs that I never knew about as I look back on our history.
TooMuchCoffeeMan, sounds like we have lots in common. My wife has attempted suicide, albeit more of a cry for help than anything but still serious. She has been caught shoplifting cough medicine in a grocery store when she had $200 in her wallet. She is a very self destructive person which leads me to believe that I need to cut the rope and save myself versus investing anymore time on this relationship because I don't believe she has hit rock bottom yet.

Thank you all for your insights...
Jim