Okay, here I am again...questioning my filing for DV, but not really for the same reasons as before. Well, then again, maybe. Who knows. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Seems I read and read on here, because I'm learning, and am intested in the goings-on of others, and looking to perhaps provide semi-helpful input into their situations based on what I've learned from mine, and then I get all confused.

I've read so much here and there about waiting on the WS to file DV, on not doing it yourself, etc.

Well, I filed. I didn't wait. It's not something I was aching to do. But I felt like it was the best decision at the time. My STBXH has been in an A for almost a year, living with the OW, with no signs of stopping. He's drinking/drugging again...and has admitted to me he doesn't want to quit. He has made threatening financial comments during drunken periods. He also frequently was drinking while driving, and risking his third DWI (which would be a felony conviction) or worse. I was afraid of losing all we'd worked so hard for (mainly my house).

He had made it clear he wasn't filing for DV from me. I believe he wanted me there just in case this thing doesn't work out.

So I gave up, and I filed. I figured if by some miracle he actually dumped sweetie-pie and sought help for his addictions, and really wanted to come back, and I hadn't moved on, I'd be willing to give him that chance.

Now I think perhaps I let him and God and everyone down by filing myself. Too late to think that, I guess, but looking for input nevertheless.

<small>[ September 10, 2004, 08:36 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

lordslady,

I don't think you have let anyone down. In fact you have only strengthened yourself. You took a big step in doing what you know is the right thing to do. You are doing what you need to do for you.

Sit back, Take a deep breath, and tell yourself, this is for you and it is what you needed to do.

Best to you
WIWH

You have not let anyone down.
You have to protect yourself, and your children.

He chooses to continue drinking/drugging.
He is the only one who can choose to do anything differently.

It is very, VERY difficult to separate from a loved one with an addiction.

My ex also chose an addiction--alcohol. I loved him. I could not divorce someone I loved, so I chose a legal separation. To protect myself.
He also had DUI's...and eventually lost his driving priviledges, I believe for life...he is still not driving (legally) and it has been over 10 years.

You have children to consider....
Now, at this point in life, it is your responsibility to protect yourself and your children from the possible negative affects of his addictions.

So no, you are not letting anyone down.
You are doing what you need to do...now....at this time in your life.

On the positive side, there is always hope that he will some day come to his senses....and be able to defeat his demons.

Good luck and good wishes to you!
And know it is never too late.
God has plans for you (and your children).
Those plans just may not include the addict.

I'll tell you of the advice I have been given in my younger years....

do NOT marry unless you are absolutely sure and have no doubts that person is the one for you.

do NOT divorce unless you are absolutely sure and have no doubts that it is the path you must follow.

Let me ask you a question.

How would you feel about a woman who stays married to a drug abuser, someone who drives while intoxicated, someone who is living with another woman but won't file for divorce, someone who threatens his wife and family with financial destitution?

You have tried to help your husband. You have given him oppertunity to change. He has said he won't and you know he's a sinking ship.

How do you think God would feel if you allowed your husband to sink you along with himself.

God values marriage, but he values other things as well. Specifically, he values each and every one of his creations. Now, how do you think God would feel if you knowingly let someone bring destruction to his creations?

In the end, the only two people you always have to go to bed with at night are yourself and God.

You may have regrets and you may have doubts, but until your STBX has his life in better order, you have to save yourself. This is not being selfish. This is being a good steward of God's creation -- YOU!

If you really feel obliged to try some more, why not get divorced and hold yourself unavailable for at least a year.

In truth, marriage is equally contract and state of mind. So you could end the contract part and protect your assets and stay emotionally married for a little while longer.

I can't give you any advice, because I am asking my self the same question. I am trying to put it in God's hands, but I am scared too. Just take care of yourself.

lordslady, I don't post here often anymore, but when I read your post, I identified with your situation so I wanted to write and offer support. I, too, ended up filing for divorce for similar reasons as yours. Even Steve Harley recommended divorce because of the substance abuse and WH's unwillingness to give up MOW, though he, too, was hedging his bets by participating, briefly, in MC with me.

It's been over 3 and 1/2 years since WH moved out and moved in with MOW. I've supported them all this time because I had to take over running our business alone but the business is still 1/2 his. Neither he nor OW has worked in all that time. He, too, has had DUI's as well as losing his professional license. My indecision early on has cost me financially, but I'm doing what I can to recover.

Last week WH finally came and got his stuff out of the house which is in escrow so I can, hopefully, buy him out of our business. I have a restraining order and was not here, but from those who were, MOW was on phone with WH constantly screaming at him to take everything, even things he didn't want, screaming, "Don't let that B***H have anything," so loudly others could hear her through the phone!

Needless to say, he is spiralling down as I am fighting my way back to the surface. As sad as it is, there is nothing you or I could do to change our WH's and there is nothing we can do to save our marriages when active substance abuse is present and they refuse to give up OW.

Have you been to Al-Anon? It has been a great help to me along with MB.