Dear people, appreciate your advise pls. I'm at a total loss on what I should do going forward.

Over the past 3 yrs since we married & started living together, it was blissful initially but has since 2 yrs ago, our conflicts have become more & more common to the extent that it happens a few times each week.

My wife attended a "being authentic" course 4 mths ago & returned to confess that she did not marry me out of love 3 years ago. But it was to escape her family problems (constant arguments) & out of spite/prove to her ex-boyfriend.

She then moved back to her parents for about 2 mths, while I patiently continued to talk to her every night after work & spend time with her during Sat evenings.

4 weeks ago, she returned back to our home to stay again. And I tried to get along with her. However, conflicts mounted again when through her simplest actions, she did not reflect any care, consideration or concern for me at all.

These incidents culminated in one event 2 weeks ago which resulted in me going into an immediate withdrawal, as I questioned myself if she'll ever truly love me since I can't or don't sense her affection/love from her actions. She confronted me & I told her I'm not ready to talk. Her outburst resulted in her saying she "give up" & barging back to her parents again.

I don't know what to do now. Despite how my wife has treated me & her personality flaws in being inconsiderate & untactful & self-centered, I still do love her. However, I'm not sure if I should continue the relationship as it seems like even after 3 yrs (from we mistakenly married not out of mutual love) and the past 4 mths (after she confessed & trying to work things out), she's still unable to love me wholeheartedly.

I wrote a letter to her 1 week ago asking her to take the time to decide if she can truly love me & is commited to the marriage. If she is, I'll work with her patiently to restore our love & resolve our differences. If she's not, it may be better for us to separate & give ourselves chances to find someone else whom we can establish a mutual truly loving & satisfying relationship.

Is my approach the best way to deal with this situation? I'm not sure. Meanwhile, I'm functioning like a lost soul everyday, finding it difficult to concentrate in anything or the work that I do. I'm also trying to perk myself up by reading whatever I can on whether to continue a marriage. Can someone kindly pls help advise me what I should do?

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances.

Probably a better place for you to post is in the emotional needs forum. On this one, most people have decided to divorce.

You might want to print out the emotional needs questionnaire and see if you can start meeting her top emotional needs.

What are the things that you argue about?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by rlzal_8123:
<strong> Dear people, appreciate your advise pls. I'm at a total loss on what I should do going forward.

Over the past 3 yrs since we married & started living together, it was blissful initially but has since 2 yrs ago, our conflicts have become more & more common to the extent that it happens a few times each week.

My wife attended a "being authentic" course 4 mths ago & returned to confess that she did not marry me out of love 3 years ago. But it was to escape her family problems (constant arguments) & out of spite/prove to her ex-boyfriend.

She then moved back to her parents for about 2 mths, while I patiently continued to talk to her every night after work & spend time with her during Sat evenings.

4 weeks ago, she returned back to our home to stay again. And I tried to get along with her. However, conflicts mounted again when through her simplest actions, she did not reflect any care, consideration or concern for me at all.

These incidents culminated in one event 2 weeks ago which resulted in me going into an immediate withdrawal, as I questioned myself if she'll ever truly love me since I can't or don't sense her affection/love from her actions. She confronted me & I told her I'm not ready to talk. Her outburst resulted in her saying she "give up" & barging back to her parents again.

I don't know what to do now. Despite how my wife has treated me & her personality flaws in being inconsiderate & untactful & self-centered, I still do love her. However, I'm not sure if I should continue the relationship as it seems like even after 3 yrs (from we mistakenly married not out of mutual love) and the past 4 mths (after she confessed & trying to work things out), she's still unable to love me wholeheartedly.

I wrote a letter to her 1 week ago asking her to take the time to decide if she can truly love me & is commited to the marriage. If she is, I'll work with her patiently to restore our love & resolve our differences. If she's not, it may be better for us to separate & give ourselves chances to find someone else whom we can establish a mutual truly loving & satisfying relationship.

Is my approach the best way to deal with this situation? I'm not sure. Meanwhile, I'm functioning like a lost soul everyday, finding it difficult to concentrate in anything or the work that I do. I'm also trying to perk myself up by reading whatever I can on whether to continue a marriage. Can someone kindly pls help advise me what I should do? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really feel for you. I'm so sorry for your pain. I know the feeling. My wife divorced me after her affair & one of the things she kept on saying is she just didn't love me the way a wife is supposed to love a husband....

These things truly hurt!

Here's where I'm at. We've got to let them go. Don't try to control her in any way whatsoever. This is HER business. You only ultimately want her around you IF she -- deep within herself -- decides that she does really love you.

Love is at its most distilled element --> simply a CHOICE! Yes there are feelings that go along with it. Yes there's emotions & chemistry that attends it, but down at it's core, it's simply a choice.

Let her make her choice. It's OK for you to show her your love until she makes her ultimate choice, but allow her the freedom & space to do just what she wants to do.

Keep close to God during this. You're gonna need Him desperately.

High Flight

Dear believer & high flight,

thks so much for yr advise. I'll also do a post in the "emotinal needs" area.

Things we argue about include: her inconsiderate behaviour of not sparing a thought abt me in many of the things she do, finances (she expects me to pay for everything while she contributes minimally), & domestic chores (we use a domestic helper 4 hrs per week & she still expects me to do my own laundry).

Think i'll adopt High Flight's approach that ultimately love is a choice. I'll just let her be & if she truly does love me, she'll come back to me. I hope this is the right choice.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by rlzal_8123:
<strong> Dear believer & high flight,

thks so much for yr advise. I'll also do a post in the "emotinal needs" area.

Things we argue about include: her inconsiderate behaviour of not sparing a thought abt me in many of the things she do, finances (she expects me to pay for everything while she contributes minimally), & domestic chores (we use a domestic helper 4 hrs per week & she still expects me to do my own laundry).

Think i'll adopt High Flight's approach that ultimately love is a choice. I'll just let her be & if she truly does love me, she'll come back to me. I hope this is the right choice. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Rest assured...Allowing Freedom of Choice is ALWAYS the right choice!!!! Think about it....

Beent there done that. I'm sorry for your wife's brutal honesty.

My STBXW says she married me for the following reasons, in order:

1. She wanted my family
2. She wanted to make her x-boyfriend jealous
3. She wanted 4 children and to be a SAHM
4. Last, she LOVED me.

She hasn't loved me for at least 3 years.

Shaken