Hello.
I have posted in the EN section of the forum regarding my relationship difficulties.

The relationship has just taken a turn for the worse. My wife has told me that she wants a divorce. She stated that she fears that her feelings for me will never come back, and that she fears that my attempts to change my character and become a better husband are not genuine.

There is evidence that she is caught up in an EA. I don't know if this has turned into a PA yet, but it will go there. This has happened before when we were dating. She wouldn't open up to me, and then she turned to someone else for advice. She of course didn't setup emotional boundaries, and developed feelings. I believe this to be the case this time as well.

The difference of course is that we are married. We have been married for 3 years... celebrating our Anniversary on the 11th of August.

She has told me that she doesn't feel that she should have to leave the house, since she worked so hard for it. She lived there for almost a year before I moved in. Over the last 3.5-4 years, we have put so much time and effort into this house.

I made more money, so I basically paid the bills, and we tried to use her money for savings and our extracurricular activities.

Since the 17th of August, she has changed her tune and mind several times. At the beginning, she didn't trust me, but stated that she thought that going to IC or MC would be beneficial. I explained that I wasn't completely concerned with the final outcome of the IC or MC, but that I wanted to make the effort to see if we could be better to each other, and for each other. She agreed, and stated that at least we would know.

Well, I continued reading books, writing in my journal, going to IC, making sure that I was up early to keep the chores done and to work on my fitness (former athlete who got lazy). I approached these things with the effort to change all of my habits that may have fed the negative aspects of our relationship. I also made sure that I wasn't in her face all of the time. I wanted to give her space to think, and to see how serious I was.

Well, she progressed into not being sure that she needed counseling. I really felt that counseling would have helped the both of us, but it was her decision.

Well, I found some calls on our phone bill to a man that she had been talking to at work. I cleaned out the cars, and found a note that she had written to him. It stated... Just a note to let you know that I was thinking about you... Me. Well, I calmly confronted her about this, and she stated that she had confided in him about us, and that she needed a guy's perspective. This guy is going through a divorce at this time.
They are co-workers.

I then found out that she lied to me about what occurred at a work party that she went to. She went, and stated that she would only be there for a few hours. Well, she called several times to state that she was having fun and was going to stay a little longer. Well, around midnight she called and told me that she was dropping off some woman who had had too much to drink. The Sunday following this, she stated that she had lied about this so that I would not get mad.

I came home the other night, and she was on the phone... 11:15pm EST. She was talking to this guy. I very calmly expressed that I felt that this was inappropriate behavior for this man to page my wife, a married woman at this time of night. She of course didn't agree.

So, now she wants a full fledged divorce. I expressed to her in a very even toned and calm manner that I was totally committed to continue my working on my character and becoming a better husband with the hopes of reconciling our marriage. She became increasingly frustrated, and stated that it wasn't what she wanted.

I told her that I was sorry that she felt that way, but I couldn't help the way that I felt. Well, she told me that I was only acting like this because I was trying to make myself out to be the good guy and make her look like a cold hearted B***h. I expressed that I was just trying to express my feelings and desires on the subject, and that I couldn't make her feel any way.

She grabbed the phone book, and stated that she was going to a hotel with the dog. Well, I stated that the dog didn't have to go, nor did she since this was our house. That irritated her even more.

She locked herself in the bathroom and talked at me through the door. I told her that I loved her, and that I was committed to this marriage. I told her that my ring had never left my finger and wouldn't until everything was decided. Well, she hasn't been wearing her rings since around 24th August. She originally stated that she wanted me to know she was serious this time... which obviously I respected due to the actions that I took.

The next morning, our dog, who we baby like a child was limping. My wife was ignoring me, and I asked for her help. When she did help, she really didn't want to talk to me. After several minutes, we called the Vet and she began to talk. She stated that she had come to a decision. She said that she had decided that she wanted a divorce. I politely said ok, and said that I didn't. I said that I felt that a divorce was her choice, and that she still had some decisions to make based off of that choice.

She accused me of playing mind games, and of me thinking that she wasn't intelligent. I told her that I thought nothing of the sort. I told her that I respected her very much, as well as loved her deeply. She sarcastically stated that I knew what I was doing, and went to get ready for work.

Well, she came down, and I told her that she looked very nice. I expressed that she have a nice day, and that I would be there for her if she wanted to talk or needed me for anything.

Well, I left her a note before I left for work... telling her what the Vet had said about our dog. I explained that we were supposed to keep him immobile and watch him.

Anyways, I got home from work last night... her note stated that she was spending the weekend with her family, and requested that I not try to contact either her, or them. In the past month, her mother and I have become quite close... as far as talking. We have similar childhood backgrounds, and we relate. I think our talks have helped her just as much as they have helped me. I only mention this... due to the request that I not try to contact her family.

I checked to see what payments had cleared, and found that she had halfed our accounts. This hurt me badly. We have worked so hard together for our material possessions, and it just hurt. She also took the engagement and wedding ring that she hasn't even looked at in the last month... and she took the three diamond necklace that I bought for her B-day... still have three payments.

I opened a new account today separate from our joint, just to be diligent. I am concerned with what she will try to do to me next. I have mentioned these things to my C, and she stated that my wife was pushing my buttons and expecting a certain type of reaction, and when she didn't get it... she proceeded to get frustrated and continued to push in more ways.

I am scared now. I love my wife... and at this time, I want us to be able to reconcile if possible. I am really afraid of what she might do next to try and force me out. I can understand that until we distance ourselves from one another, there won't be much chance of a reconciliation. But, I also feel that if I leave, my wife will never see what she could be losing. It is easy for her to hate me right now. I know this. I understand that she may be enfatuated with this other man or with the thought of this other man. I don't know if he has reciprocated anything or not... and I don't think that matters.

I can't control my wife's actions. I would like any thoughts and or input on this.

I know this is long, but I do appreciate your attention to this.

I have read about plan a and b, and don't quite know if they apply.

I am concerned with:
Her using the dog in someway to hurt me. This may sound ridiculous to some of you, but we both absolutely love him like a child. She knows the way I feel about him... we were pregnant in May and June, and lost the baby in June.

Also, concerned with her bringing or inviting another man or this other man into our home. I don't know what my rights are as far as asking him or her to leave. I don't know what would constitute me being able to ask her to leave.

I just don't think that if I leave we will ever have the slightest opportunity to re-investigate the possibility of our marriage succeeding.

Please... your prayers and thoughts.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">we were pregnant in May and June, and lost the baby in June. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ah, here may be the real stress that she isn't coping with very well. . . for this, she needed counseling, and I suspect that this event has her reeling, and her coping mechanisms are not very mature. . .

If i were you, i would be patient, and just be as in Plan A as possible, however, don't lift a finger to help her with her decision to divorce. . . suggest that you contact a lawyer in private, and decide how to protect yourself. . . and the don't contact my family sounds suspiciously like she wants to go out with this other man. . . I would consider innocently checking that she made it to her family's dwelling, and that's all. . .

IF she isn't there, then you have a much tougher time dealing with a person with emotionally low coping skills. . .

i have also heard that miscarriages are very stressful on the woman. .. though i have just heard that. . .

wiftty

Thanks for the reply. I appreciate you taking the time to read through that book.

First, we were trying to get pregnant from January 04 until we were successful in May 04. Not a lot of time, considering others who have tried for years, but we were happier than ever. I loved the thought of being a dad. I loved the thought of her being a mom. It took me 5 months to complete painting the interior of our townhome, but it took me 8 hours to completely finish the nursery (as a surprise for her, while she was at work).

So, we lost the baby. As soon as we didn't hear a heartbeat or see anything on the monitor, I had to nearly bite my lip off to keep from crying. She was so strong, sitting in that chair while the Dr. checked her. It killed me inside that my wife had to go through this.

When we got home, I laid with her on the couch, I rubbed her tummy, I held her and told her how much I loved her. I told her that I was so sorry that there wasn't more that I could do for her.

She never openly grieved to me, and I never did to her. I thought that I needed to be strong for her in case she needed that from me. There were many nights that I cried myself to sleep... sometimes I still do. She later told me that she didn't feel like she needed to cry to me. She felt like she needed to be alone, since it was her body. She cried in the shower. Well, I can't say anything about what she feels or felt that she should do, but I can't help but feel upset about her not coming to me.

Well, I have always thought that we needed to address this issue much deeper. It was our first baby, and we had told my mom on her Bday. We gave her a cake that said happy birthday grandmom.. see you in February. It was devastating.

Second, I surprisingly received a call from her tonight. She was calling from her sister's house. Her sister has just miscarried at 13 weeks. My wife stated that neither my SIL or BIL had grieved openly. I offered myself if my BIL wanted to talk at any time. I remember the pain.

So, she is where she said she would be from virginia to North Carolina. I definitely had my suspicions though. Thank you for validating them.

I believe that she called me as part of a fishing expedition. I think that she wanted to see if I would mention the Money or her taking the jewelry. I didn't bite on that. I just kept it to "how is the family and dog doing" conversation.

She stated that she appreciated me giving her, her space. She asked if I understood what she meant by that... I just told her that I was respecting what she requested in her letter.

She told me that she didn't sleep well, as she had to sleep on the couch. Not sure why she stated anything like this, unless she was just trying to keep the conversation going to see if I would bring up the money.

Well, I told her to have nice time, to be careful, tell the family that I said hello, tell the BIL to call me if he wanted to, and to kiss and pet the dog for me. I then said that I would have my phone on me, and that I would see her later.... and hung up.

The conversation from my end was very even toned and calm.

Third, I have a couple consultations with attorneys on Monday AM. I have a ton of questions written down.

Thank you very much for your response. It has validated some of my thoughts and feelings, and at least I don't feel like a complete failure at this time.

Thanks!

It looks like your interactions with your W went pretty well. Good job.

Please keep in mind the following. When it comes to love, people don't respond well to pressure. I say this because a lot of BS express their needyness and desperation in not letting go of their WS. What this this tends to do ,more often than not, is to make the WS feel like he/she is being suffocated and only increases the desire to separate from the BS.

It's one thing for her to say that she wants a divorce and a totally different one to have a divorce. If she again mentions that she wants a divorce consider conveying to her that you've always loved her and because her happiness is very important to you that as much as it hurts you to do it that you will give not fight HER DECISION for a divorce. If she truly wants a divorce then let HER be the one who initiates it. Why? because it will be HER CHOICE and nobody else's and she will have to live with the consequences of that choice if it ever becomes a reality

The more a person tries to fight against another person wanting to leave him/her, the more the other person will want to leave her/him.

Bump... thank you