I'm not sure where to even begin. I am living with and have been engaged to my bf for about 1 1/2 yrs. We put off the first wedding date last Feb.
He lives here with me in my home, pays an amount monthly to help with expences, he's generally polite and easy to get along with, as long as any discussions don't get to deep or lengthy. If the discussions get personal he either "doesn't know" or wants to stop the conversation.<p>I asked him to fill out an emotional needs questionaire, he did after about 2 wks. Then I asked for the next couple of weeks if we could find a time to discuss them. He agreed but never found time. They layed on the table for a month until I just threw them out after some aguement we had the night before. That's when he fished them out and wanted to talk about them.<p>We barely started to discuss them when I realized he was just getting all the answers from me but not returning any.
I've noticed in his conversations too that the words "us" or "we" just don't seem to exist. For instance in May he called me at work to tell me he was planning to take 2 weeks off around his birthday and go fishing. No mention of me going or getting time off too. He knew my schedule wouldn't co-incide with that timing.
Also after we had set our wedding date in Feb (It was Sept at the time), he never mentioned it at all after that. He had said we would go back to a place we had vacationed earlier and get this dress for me for the wedding. I brought it up a few times but he didn't even respond.
Then a few months ago he suggested we needed to set a new date. I picked the 4th of July. He said ok, I guess that's a date I won't forget.
Well we took vacation time around the 4th of July. Last week he asked me what I wanted to do over the 4th, DUH!!
Am I over reacting here??? It just seems like red flags all the way to me!
Any opinions??? PLEASE???

Hello,<p>The question is are all red flags really red flags. I can certainly see where you could have some problems with the way your relationship is being handled by the potential spouse. Given that people rarely actually change and almost never do except under great stress, can you live with the way he responds to you?<p>If you feel that you have concerns that justify postponing or cancelling a wedding, then I would recommend that you act on them. It is ALWAYS better to be entirely sure of the stability of the potential relationship BEFORE you take that next step.<p>You seem to have concerns and I can certainly validate that your concerns seem reasonable to me. How you respond given that, however, must be your decision alone.<p>I would however, proceed with caution if that is what your inner voice is telling you.<p>Good luck and best wishes for you.

thanks for responding. I keep thinking this is such a mistake. I can't seem to find any way to get through to him that we need communication to make this work at all or go our seperate ways. He just continues to be nice but distant.
I think he shows a lot of passive aggressive tendencies. That really worries me.

This is going to sound really harsh, but I don't mean it to be. You are in such a better place than manyof the people on this board, who are unhappily married to passive-aggressives and have children with them and don't have the freedom to walk away that you do. You say that his passive-aggressive tendencies worry you. My advice is to put an end to your worries: walk away and don't look back. When you later become involved in a more healthy man, you will be so grateful you didn't get roped into this doomed relationship.<p>Best of luck.

Hi curious,
I know and I'm so angry that it has to be that way. I'm so frustrated with the whole issue but I love him so much and really want it to work. I realize wanting something and having it actually available are two seperate things though. I don't think there's any way he's going to let me in, and I can't live on the sidelines quietly like he'd prefer, or so it seems. I wish he'd just tell me what he really wants!

Curious,<p>What determines passive agressive tendencies? What separates passive aggressive tendencies from somone who has serious trust issues?<p>I don't know if I am dealing with this or not, just wondering. Not that it would change anything either way, I guess.

One example of what I consider a passive aggressive trait is when he keeps saying I love you, but never wants to make love. Won't bring up anything that bothers him but instead go off to do yard work or work in the garage. If asked if there's something wrong, the answer is always vague and unrevealling.
Always acts nice but never brings up issues of importance.

Typically, in my situation, any issues that are brought up, I bring up. There is simply never a mention of anything.<p>One incident that sticks in my mind is that the spouse assumed that I was upset about something. Understand that we have always had three standing issues that are distinctly defined. So, spouse comes up and asks 'Is there anything you DO like about me?"<p>Am I the only one to see the insinuation that somehow I have done or said something wrong. We hadn't been speaking about anything at the time.<p>?

I can usually tell when he not happy by the way I get ignored emotionally or sexually. He doesn't "act" upset and doesn't say anything is wrong, just "punishes me by not sharing himself physically or emotionally.<p>I am the one that is always bringing up the situations too. Then when he dodges and weaves to not have to talk honestly, I always feel like I'm the "bad guy". I feel like banging my head on the wall trying to get through. BUT, he just will not share his feelings.