I´ve been reading here some lately because I feel I will have to move over here.
I used to be on the EN board, then posted only very sparingly after I started working with cerri.
My H is addicted to internet porn and he´s verbally abusive. I went into Plan B in June. Even though I was not at all ready, no contact was broken late July as my H was going to be where I moved to for a class and wanted to see the kids. I don´t know if with no contact until I was ready things were different or if it was because I started Plan B too late, anyway, I realised I lost all love for him and want to divorce.
Though he tells me he´s going to fight for me and do whatever it takes to win me back, I´m not sure he understands the full impact of his porn addiction and the verbal abuse on our M.

I feel I`ve started to grieve. The loss of my dreams, of our dreams. The illusion of the M: I begin to realise that the M I thought we had - and where I put a lot of energy into convincing myself I was happy - never existed. Even in our early dating days, there was verbal abuse. So all memories I have, even of the good times, are tainted by the feeling that something just wasn´t right, though I didn´t allow myself to feel that way for the longest time.

I guess the hardest part is to understand that what I thought we had never really existed.

Do you know a book on the grieving process you´d recommend? I don´t know if there are specific ones for separation/divorce but maybe some of you have read books on grieving that helped you understand.
When there´s a book about it, I can do it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Thanks a lot!

GLB, Welcome to the D/D forum though I'm sorry you have to be here. I also ended up here because of my WH's addiction issues and verbal abuse, so I relate to your feeling about having to understand and accept </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ...the loss of my dreams, of our dreams. The illusion of the M: I begin to realise that the M I thought we had - and where I put a lot of energy into convincing myself I was happy - never existed. Even in our early dating days, there was verbal abuse. So all memories I have, even of the good times, are tainted by the feeling that something just wasn´t right, though I didn´t allow myself to feel that way for the longest time. I guess the hardest part is to understand that what I thought we had never really existed. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The book I'd recommend on grieving is The Grief Recovery Handbook by John James and Russell Freidman. I recently attended one of their workshops and it was really helpful. I'm still working on the process I learned there with a friend locally, since I live too far from the rest of the group. They believe that grief is grief and that everyone's grief is unique even when the circumstances are similar. Therefore, they don't believe in separate support groups for different categories of grievers.

Somewhere on MB there are lists of recommended books. I know I read almost every available book on infidelity when I first came here. They, along with MB forums, helped me to realize that I wasn't alone.

Hi there GetLoveBack. I'm sorry to hear about how things are going. I'm usually not over here on this board, but saw your thread title...

I just read a fantastic book on grieving. It's called "Tear Soup".

It's written as a children's book of sorts (meaning it has beautiful pictures and few words), but it is very powerful. It speaks to grieving of all kinds and how each of us brews our own tear soup through the process of dealing with and mving through loss. It made me cry, and my grief would only fill a tea cup in comparison to your pot of tear soup.

I fully rec. this book for grown ups and children.

peace to you
lfc

Thanks a lot, LST and lfc.

I´ll definately will check out those two.

A handbook sounds great. I feel like I should have some assistance with this process, and a book is always a good start. I don´t know if later on, I´d like to see a counsellor to help me sort my feelings.
Did you see one, LST, if yyou don´t mind me asking? If so, what did it do for you?

And lfc, a kids´book is just fine. I do have two little ones, so I might just look at the book with them.

Thanks again!

GLB, Yes, I went actually went to several counselors. I called Steve Harley soon after finding this site and WH occasionally participated with me in MC. After listening first hand to WH's verbal abusiveness over the phone, Steve H. told me that despite his commitment to saving marriages, in my case, he recommended divorce. Later I started IC and I have continued as I'm still trying to dv my WH who seems to be doing everything he can to stall and make my life difficult.

IC has helped me through the emotional ups and downs of the grief process and in rebuilding my self-esteem, which was severely damaged by the verbal abuse and infidelity. In June, my 23 y.o. stepson, who I helped raise since he was less than a year old, died by suicide, which started the grief cycle all over again, so the IC has continued to be helpful.