Hello all~ and help please...

I am new here...still trying to figure all of this out.
I have a long story , but, won't post it here right now. I have posted it under General Questions II though. Right now I am looking for an answer, help, suggestions.
BH has filed for divorce. I have not been able to get him to call and counsel with Steve (I have once)I have done everything I am suppose to. No Love Busting on my part. For 3 years I have been making huge Love desposits without getting much in return. Have just kept praying for my husbnad to have a change of heart. I have changed and have contiued working on ME and praying that God will eventually work on husband.
My question is this...
I am going to have to go to my attorney now, since he has gone to his.
Do, I fight for reversal of money that I previously gave up (spousal support, etc)in hopes of reconciliation or not?
I have met all my hisbands requsts and he even said he was looking for a sign from God whether he should stay with me or not. A year ago when we were in court and I told him I wouldn't take any money, retirement , etc...he said that was the sign he was looking for. hummm.
Well, I have been going to counseling for over a year now...he won't go. I have tried to work on rebuilding our marriage and he hasn't. He won't read (I have purchased "Surviving an Affair" and "Torn Asunder") or do anything to get past the past and move forward.
I know I should have faith that God will work it out, but, not sure what to do.
Any advice please...

Hi..here I am again...asking for help..input, etc.
I'll put on here again as a question.
Maybe I'll get some input and responses.

Not sure how much help I am - but I have to say that the biggest concern I have is for you and your future! I know you feel bad, I know you feel guilty, but that does not mean you have to suffer for the rest of your life. You made a huge mistake, you have repented, you have sought forgiveness, you do not need to "roll over and take it".
See an attorney - immediately. You need someone to watch out for your future. You are not in a good frame of mind right now to look out for yourself. You need a professional to help you. Please take the attorneys advice. In my opinion, asking for financial support from your BH is not a LB - it is a fact of life.
Yes, you made a mistake.
But you do not want this D - and you are willing to do whatever it takes to stop it. At this point, your BH is the only one interested in a D - perhaps if he saw on paper what the high cost of D is, then he would re-think the whole thing. After all, right now there seems to be no negative impact for him.
Let me say again that I know you feel guilty - I know you feel bad. But you are trying to fix it.
The bible does "allow" D in the case of adultery - but it does not demand it. It is allowed - but not required.
I am sure you have read every scripture the bible contains regarding forgiveness, but allow me to remind you of one of the most famous:

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"
Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

You can not make your H read the verses on forgiveness , and frankly I suspect that he all ready knows them anyway. His declaration that he is looking for a "sign from God" frankly sounds like crap to me. God hates D - period. He does not need to send a sign. His word contains it.

God is still in the business of performing miracles every day. Continue to pray. Continue to hope. But see an attorney at the same time.

At this point it might be good for your H to truly see what life would be like after a D.

You do not need to beat yourself up forever.

When your BH finds out that you have enlisted the help fo an attorney, and you are going to seek financial support for your future, all you have to say is "I do not want a D,I love you, and I am still interested in building a new and better marriage with you, but you have insisted on a D. I needed to hire someone else to handle this for me, as it is just too emotional for me."

Hi i agree you do need to protect yourself. I would at least talk with a lawyer to get information. Gather as much prayer support as you can. I am not sure how you can let him know you are still interested in the marriage if there is no contact right now. Pray. My situation hasn't gone as far. My husband is here. And if we dont talk about the problems it is fine. If I want to discuss what is going on ect or my fears, he mentions leaving. So i am doing the reading, searching out counseling ect. He is too busy. I keep getting told to wait it out. He still sees the woman a few times a week at his work. So I feel we wont' resolve this. Part of me is fed up. And feel it is just going to happen again. What do we do? I want to follow God's will for me. And I do love my husband. I will pray your husband hears God's voice and softens his heart towards you. D
dmd 45 husband 45
married 26
d25,s23, d20

Thanks dranders and womanoffaith5 for responding...please read

Yes, everyday I have felt guilt, shame and remorse
for the actions that led to this.
I finally realized that I needed help and have sought it. I have been going to counseling for over a year. Have changed my actions, heart and mind set. I know that I needed to work on me and pray that in time God would heal the wounds that I have bestowed upon my husband and heal our marriage.

To clarify something for you..my husband and I have only been legally separated on paper, he has still been living here the whole time with me.
Going to church with me, vacations, etc.
I love him and I am so sorry I have hurt him and our family. I am trying everything I know to do to save our marriage.
I know God has forgiven me and has changed my heart. I just don't think my husband has totally forgiven me.
He just won't let the past go and move forward to us healing and restoring our marriage.
I have been talking to him about attending a MB seminar. I know that God is able to heal our marriage. After reading all about Dr Harleys concepts, I realized that both my husband and I were not meeting each others emotional needs.
I really believe there is hope for our marriage.
I will be praying for your situation too dranders.

I truly believe that God can change hearts and heal.

can'ttrusther and MyHeartsDesire,

I am going to post this same post on both of your threads, and I am going to warn you now...I doubt if either one of you is going to like this.

There is one thing that is glaringly obvious about BOTH of you, and that is that neither one of you presented a full, complete, and honest picture of what is going on. can'ttrusther, you made your pursuit of divorce more justifiable by printing all the affairs but completely leaving out the last three years worth of the WS going to individual counseling and marriage counseling and trying to save the marriage. And MyHeartsDesire, you LB'ed right in front of us. You lied by omission about have FIVE affairs, not just one 14 years ago and one lately. Furthermore, you have taken a place where your H--the spouse you betrayed repeatedly--came to talk to others who were also betrayed--and you threadjacked his topic and publicly "corrected" and probably discouraged him from ever coming on here and learning any of the concepts or anything. This is now an UNSAFE place for him to write his real feelings, because any time it is not matching YOUR reality, he is now going to be publicly LB'ed by the wife that says she's trying to save the marriage.

SOOOooo...with all that in mind, I suggest that you two GET REAL with yourselves and with us, and tell the whole, entire truth. can'ttrusther, it is clear to me that whether she had two affairs or five, you feel REPEATEDLY violated and betrayed, and despite saying, "please don't do this, it hurts me and harms our marriage" she continues to do the things that betray you and then say "but I want to stay married to you.' And MyHeartsDesire, it is clear to me that you are minimizing the depth of the hurt and betrayal that your actions have caused to your husband, and if you really want to remain married, I would suggest that ON YOUR OWN, of your own willingness to become a better woman and person, you consider:
1) pulling the plug on your computer and taking a sledgehammer to it so that you never, NEVER, NEVER get another email or get tempted by the PC again.
2) going to SLAA--Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous--because you obviously have issues relating to continuously turning to other men for your "love" fix.
3) being completely, transparently honest with your partner and ALLOW him to see anything you ever do on the PC (before you destroy it of course), allow him to see your cell phone and bills, allow him to know your schedule and where you are and with whom, and always take a witness so that you can live uprightly and beyond reproach--avoiding even the APPEARANCE of something wrong.

can'ttrusther, if you truly believe she has cheated on you emotionally, if not physically, five times, I do not blame you for not trusting her. However, I would say that 30 years is a lot of time invested to end it without a fight from you. This means that you have to change too. Speaking as a BS myself, you do have some responsibility in this relationship, and part of your vows when you became husband and wife was a promise that you would consider her as you make decisions, that you would meet her needs, that you would spend time with her and protect her. Are you doing those things? What are her emotional needs? Could she be turning to those OM because she gets NO emotional needs met at home? Yes, she ultimately makes the decision to stray, so don't think I'm putting her responsibility on you--but it makes common sense that if she's treated like a doorknob at home and desperately WANTS to have those needs met at home, but she's continuously rejected, LB'ed, and spurned at home--eventually she'll go elsewhere.

Both of you take your eyes off yourself for a moment at look at your partner. You promised to love, honor, and cherish that person. Ask your own self if your actions (past and PRESENT) are actions that are demonstrating love, honor, and cherish. If they are not, then sincerely repent, get things right with God and then get things right with your partner. Accept the consequences of your choices to be unloving, dishonorable, and disrespectful and if ya did the crime, do the time! Then, CHANGE YOUR SELF. Stop waiting for your partner to change or for some miracle--change yourself. can'ttrusther, meet ONE of her needs and tell her you are doing it!!! MyHeartsDesire, start ACTING in ways that are trustworthy and OPEN.


CJ

MyHeartsDesire:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MyHeartsDesire:

"now...it is being used as a sounding board against me for him to seek approval for filing for divorce."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MHD,

Notice that I said:

"Your marriage can't heal until she accepts that she is sick and seeks professional help."

I still stand by it and I am glad that you have been getting professional help to resolve your personal issues.

But just as you are accusing your H of omitting things about your story, you also omitted to us on the Infidelity General Questions II board the fact that you had a previous affair when you posted on the Infidelity General Questions board. Why did you do that? Except for your H, can'ttrusther, nobody here knows your name, where you live or what you look like. What were you risking in not being totally forthright with a bunch of strangers like us? It seems that you still have some ways to go before you make honesty one of your highest priorities in your relationships.


can'ttrusther

I'm in no way defending MHD but she has made a conscious choice to save and rebuild the marriage, now it is your turn to decide once and for all if you want the same. Your W's affairs are inexcusable but aren't you also in a way getting the benefits of marriage [sex and companionship] without making a committment to it [stating to her for the past 3 years that you want to divorce her]? Even though you were the BS, your choice to continue to sit on the fence is much akin to what many WS do when they are having an affair [have their cake and eat it to]. It's time to make a choice.

MyHeartsDesire

If its true what your H said about you incurring 30K in debt then I humbly suggest that you pay off that debt yourself. It is not fair that your H should be the one left footing the bill for a debt he did not approve or assumed. If you do this, then it just may one less negative against you that your H will feel resentment over.


can'ttrusther

Oh one last thing, you state that you don't trust her and how she racked up a 30K debt yet it SEEMS that when it comes to sex you have no trouble at all trusting her with your first wealth, your health.

MHD,

I posted a response to you on your H's thread. If you are inclined toward more advice please go read it.

God Bless,

JL