Hello! I've been lurking on these pages for some time and have occasionally posted my frustrations with my marital situation and everything surrounding it.

First, a bit of background. My wife and I met in Moscow, Russia in 1995. We have been married for seven years. We have a beautiful 5 year old daughter whom we both adore. I am a Foreign Service Officer with the U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID), which is the US Government's humanitarian assistance agency. I have been working for this agency for nearly 9 years. I enjoy my work and find it very fulfilling and think it is important. I have not thought it so important that I would sacrifice my marriage for it, but recent events are leading me to rethink this.

My wife has been very unhappy for the last three years, ever since we first had to take an assignment overseas that she did not like. For part of that time we were apart while she finished her graduate degree in Washington, DC. This separation was very hard, especially for my wife as during this time her mother died and then she had to cope with the Washington sniper, who killed 5 people within a 2 mile radius of our home. As a result of this, my wife suffers partially from depression, but also has traits of Borderline Personality Disorder. It are these latter traits that are leading me to rethink things.

My wife cannot control her anger and the smallest offense will set her off in violent rages - some of them in which she tries to (and has) hit me. She has also twice threatened suicide. The last time she did this (at my parents' house) I called 911 for intervention and the police came. She now claims she was only joking and only did this to get my attention and further will not forgive me for calling 911. This followed a conflict with my mother that escalated out of control when my wife lost her temper. My wife sees herself in no way responsible for any of what happened - her behavior is for her a "natural" response to provocation on the part of others.

I am thinking about divorce if only to protect myself and my daughter, and because I do not see that things are going to change for the better. I have offered to change my career, which seems to be my wife's biggest complaint as a stressor in her life, and in fact have a job offer out there, but do not see this as in any way leading her to change her behavior.

Her behavior has actually gotten worse over the last three years. She continually accuses me of abandoning her and my daughter, calls me stupid and a lot of other names in front of my daughter, she constantly tears down members of my family. At my mother's, in her rage, she told my mother "I hate your son! I do not want to be married to him!"

I am concerned about the affect of all this on my daughter. One morning I saw her trying to put back together her broken hair band and she said she was "afraid Mommy would be angry." She notices my wife's behavior when she gets angry, and when she tells her that she doesn't like it, W gets angry with me for "provoking her."

W has been to see a couselor three times, but has since decided this cannot help her. I am just about at my wit's end. I do not want to divorce, but am starting to feel I am being pushed to it. Any advice from others in this situation is appreciated.

BIPOLAR DISORDER!!!

See a MD or psych. I've seen these signs! Do this without haste!

FR

Gentlemen, gentlemen!

Please resist the temptation to diagnose people over the internet. The only person who really knows all the facts is JrDuck and his wife, and while I trust JrDuck's observations and evaluations, none of us are licenced psychologists or psychiatrists.

JrDuck, I would suggest two things. First, read everything you can find on the web and in the bookstore about Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder--maybe also Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Learn! Learn! LEARN! And focus that learning on how a family member can HELP a person with that disorder. Continue to remind yourself that you are not a doctor, so you are not qualified to diagnose. HOWEVER...as the spouse who maybe knows your wife better than anyone, you probably have intuition and observations that even your spouse doesn't have! Trust your gut feelings.

Suggestion #2, I agree with Fishracer--get thee to a Psychiatrist!! ASAP!!!

At this point, it is not possible for us to tell you whether or not to divorce--that is a decision YOU will have to make--but what I can say is that it sounds like a diagnosis would be advantageous, and it sounds like it is emotionally unhealthy and verbally abusive for you and your daughter to remain in the status quo. You're thinking is spot on, clear about that! If you get a diagnosis, then you'll know what you're up against--and if she refuses to go or get a diagnosis, then you'll know you are dealing with an uncooperative spouse.


CJ

Gentlemen, gentlemen!

Please resist the temptation to diagnose people over the internet. The only person who really knows all the facts is JrDuck and his wife, and while I trust JrDuck's observations and evaluations, none of us are licenced psychologists or psychiatrists.

CJ: Not intended to be a diagnosis; which is why I stated to see a psychiatrist or family MD. I was trying to make the point of urgency. The relation of suicide with bipolar's is alarmingly high and like my good friend & Doc says; Act now or react later! Sorry if misled!!

FR

Hi again and thanks for responding to my post. To let you know, W has seen a therapist and has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. This is different from Bi-Polar Disorder and somewhat more difficult to treat because it is really a series of learned behaviors (most of them bad) that need to unlearned and really seem to be only treatable through extensive psychotherapy.

What is most frustrating for me is that while I try to accentuate the positive in our lives, W always focuses on the negative. For example, tonight I will need to discuss with her several career options. As I said in my last post, I have a job offer in hand with another employer, however his initial offer to post me to Nairobi, where we currently live, is not going to work out due to things beyond his control. Therefore, he has come back and asked me where else I might like to work for him and what would be the time schedule for coming over. This is really a win-win situation because it would not necessitate an immediate move, which would be disruptive to the family, and because at this point I am in the driver's seat in the negotiations. However, W will focus immediately on the loss of the Nairobi opportunity and not the opening of new ones elsewhere and will begin thinking about all the possible negative aspects - all of which will outweigh the positive.

I am also a bit frustrated by her continued negative attacks on me and my parents. We are all stupid and perverted in some way. W grew up in a violent home, but she will not admit that it is this violence and its impact on her that makes her fearful and causes her to react as she does. She complains that I have no compassion for her, but basically when she starts in on the attacks on me or members of my family I just shut down. She blames my parents, and especially my father, for the current state of relations in our marriage and between her and them. She fails to see that her behavior in the conflict - the out of control screaming and yelling, pounding on my parents' bedroom door, etc. - all precipated by her threat (yet again)to literally walk out on me and take my daughter with her is a contributing factor. (A year ago she did the same thing while we were in the middle of packing our house and Hurricane Isabel was coming. She packed a bag and walked out of the house with my daughter to go to a hotel. There I was left asking her to calm down and come back, while my then 4 year old daughter told me it "was OK Daddy. We will come back." She also refuses to forget that she was "betrayed" by me because I called 911 when she threatened suicide and allowed the police to scare my daughter, that I wanted her arrested and taken away in chains, etc. She cannot let go of any offenses, either real or perceived. She will bring up ad infinatum my leaving her for 9 months because of my job (fear of abandonment is one of the aspects of borderline behavior) and is convinced the reason I left is because of something she did. It wasn't, isnt' yet, but soon will be.

At our last overseas assignment, she nearly caused a diplomatic incident in relations with our host country's police. She suspected our housekeeper of stealing. So, she marched off to the housekeeper's house, was let in by a relative in the housekeeper's absence, and proceeded to go through the housekeeper's things. She found some small items (which may have been taken without permission), but was convinced that other, more expensive items were taken. The host country police, in conjunction with the Embassy Security Officer, come over. They take a report, but also tell my wife she has violated local laws on trespassing and that she needs to leave the housekeeper's compound. She refuses to leave and wants to wait to confront the housekeeper. When I try to reason with her, to tell her that the police and the ESO are doing all they can under the circumstances, she doesn't listen. She again accuses me of siding with them against her and sees this as another example of me choosing my own selfish interests, my career, over her needs. The ESO almost has to call in the Deputy Chief of Mission (second in command at a U.S. Embassy) to say he has a official American who is not cooperating with the authorities. Finally, we get her home, but then proceed to have a huge fight and I spend the night on the couch. Well, we get to Nairobi and all of the key items she was so sure she did not pack and were stolen turn up in our shipment. In the meantime, the poor housekeeper's reputation is ruined and it may be difficult for her to get another job.

I have been working for my organization for almost 9 years. I've not been promoted in the last 3, although I should've been. I've been told by supervisor's that my family situation is a hindrance to my career advancement and that I need to decided what I want to do. Given the above, and we are not talking about run of the mill career conflict characteristic of many marriages, but really out of control behavior on W's part, I have been thinking of divorce. I am not ready to make this decision yet, but the clock is ticking at this point and maybe W has 1 or 2 years to change before I decide to serve papers. But in the meantime it is difficult.

As I wrote earlier, the smallest things will set her off. Last night, for example, we were talking of my daughter's day at school and plans for today. My wife said that my daughter did not have PE today. When later I was talking to my daughter I mentioned something about her having PE and then looking at the calendar. The calendar and some other papers fall from the refrigerator to the floor at which point my wife explodes, demanding to know why I touched it. "What are you? F****ing stupid? I already told you she does not have PE! You are such a jerk! Why do you need to look at the calendar? I already told you, but you don't listen!" Stuff like this will happen at least once a day. She will refer to my father as a cockroach and my mother as a fat *****! I am really so tired of it and when I tell her I will not engage with her when she talks like this it is like throwing kerosene on a smoldering ash, it soon becomes a blazing conflagration. If I walk out of a room, she follows me. If I walk out of the house, she tries as well. Nothing seems to work - nothing in the psychologically books, nothing recommended by the psychiatrist - in order to communicate with openly. So, I just seem to shut down! It doesn't help, but I really do not know what else to do.

I keep a poem in mind often when W is on one of her rampages. It is called "A Piece of Toast" by Max Ehrmann. In the poem, Ehrmann describes a friend, a self made man who speaks "well of financial matters, rarely of anything else" who loses his temper at a waiter one day over a burnt piece of toast. Ehrmann is standing over the grave of his friend and it is this one incident, " a piece of toast, such a small thing in the great tragedy and mystery of life" that he remembers. I sometimes think this will be all I remember of W - the times she loses her temper, and not the times she is a loving wife, good mother, etc. It is sad, but we tend to remember the bad about people and not the good, but it is hard to do otherwise when the bad behavior makes me so miserable.

I guess I am just venting. Maybe it will make me feel better.

Borderline is a very nasty personality disorder, and it is hard as he** on spouses & children too...many children of BPD's end up with serious issues of their own.

Personally, if I were in your place, the only way I would stay married would be to make her continued treatment a condition of staying married. Without extensive treatment, you are pretty much guaranteed that things will not improve.

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I have quite a bit of experience with BPD.
Yes, it can be cured, but the only people who have success with that are the ones that know they are sick, futhermore they have to deperately WANT to work through the disorder.
And it doesn't come quick either, most take anywhere from 2-5 years, if at all.
Make sure that the psychiatrist that she sees has A LOT of experience with BPD.
If you do choose to divorce, with her raging, be prepared for complete hell there too.
Most people who go through that find that having an attorney who has experience in dealing with divorcing a BPD a great help.