Hospital Buddies

Two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, "Hey Tim, what're you in for?"
"I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried," said Tim.

"Oh don't worry about it. I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!"

"Oh yeah?" replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. Hey, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?"

"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is!" Sammy answered.

"Oh my God, a circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"

This blond calls her boyfriend and asks him to come over and help her with the new jigsaw puzzle she just bought. She tells him its supposed to be a picture of a tiger but she just doesn't know how to get started. Her boy friend arrives, takes one look at the puzzle and says, "Honey, no matter what we do this puzzle will never look like a tiger. Lets sit down and have a cup of hot chocolate and then I'll help you put these frosted flakes back in the box."

Top 20 Reasons Why Chocolate is Better Than Sex

20) With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good.
19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
16) Good chocolate is easy to find.
15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your coworkers.
9) The word ''commitment'' doesn't scare off chocolate.
8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
6) You can have chocolate in front of your mother.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
2) ''If you love me you'll swallow that'' has real meaning with chocolate.
1) You can get chocolate.

The Good The Bad and the Ugly

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's banging the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.. Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them.

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. Bad: You can't find your birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.

8. Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun. Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend.

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients. Way ugly: She makes more money than you.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little [censored] on your knee."

There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office.
Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.
The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again.
"No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"

This one ha sgot to be the best. You need audio for it though

http://humor.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://www.smartelic.com/

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. He wanted to continue living in their downtown luxury apartment with his new lover so he asked his wife to move out and get another place. His wife agreed to this, provided that he would give her 3 days alone at the apartment to pack up her things.

She spend the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each room and depositied a few of the half-eaten shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the apartment began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned. Air freshners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive carpet.

Finally, they could not take it any longer and decided to move. They could not find a buyer for their stinky apartment so they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home, including the curtain rods.