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Joined: Sep 2004
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My ex and I are thinking about trying a reconcilliation after 6 mo divorced and one boyfriend and many different "girlfriends". I don't really have romantic feelings for him yet (well, maybe just a little). My problem is, he has had many different girl friends and has had relations with them in our old bed. This really turns me off and I get a sick feeling even thinking about entering our old bedroom, much less sleeping with him in our old bed, much much less getting intimate with him in our old bed. The whole idea really grosses me out. He says that I'm being silly and that I should get over it. Has anyone out there experienced this? How did you handle it?

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Without knowing any other details about your situation (cause of divorce, was there an affair, are you in counseling, etc.), I'd say he was being disrespectful of your feelings.

That, to me, does not bode real well for reconcilliation in my book.

Are you following MB principles? If not, try looking at all the great information on this site for building a marriage...which it sounds like you are doing to try to do.

The Policy of Joint Agreement says "Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse." If you don't enthusiastically agree to sleep in that bed, then you shouldn't do it, and you and he should come up with a solution you CAN agree with...i.e. buy a new bed!

<small>[ September 15, 2004, 07:06 PM: Message edited by: Ms.O ]</small>

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In other words, I'm more worried about him disrespecting you than I am the bed!

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Lynnnnnn,

First off, you are not being silly. I very much understand your feelings, and as a man, I have no interest at all in crawling into a bed after heaven only knows how many other men have taken their pleasure with my ex between those sheets. Not my cup of tea.

Second point to be made is that you are welcome in this forum, but it may not be the best MB forum for you to be seeking support in. Most of us have failed at reconcillation and are learning how to go on after divorce.

May I suggest that you try posting on a forum where people are reconciling? Stick with the winners!!

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Ok,

Here is the voice of logic weighing in. You don't have to agree, but here is another, and just as valid point of view.

It's just a bed. The bed had no choice in the matter and was merely a tool. If you are willing to let him bring his "parts" that he used with his girlfriends to the marriage, then it seems illogical for you to have strong feelings about the bed.

How far do you take this? Do you throw the telephone he used to call her away. How about the car he used to pick her up for dates?

I understand you have feelings. Do you understand how someone else might not be able to understand and may feel differently.

I'm not saying you are wrong, nor am I saying he is right.

What I'm asking you to do is to put on his shoes (if you don't think he used those, LOL) and look at this from more than just your POV.

Aren't you asking him to do the same regarding your feelings? If you want him to do this, I really feel you must be willing to do the same.

TB

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bumperii:
<strong> Stick with the winners!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The she would have to keep posting here! HA!

I don't know about you, but even tho my marriage ended, I still consider myself a "winner" because I've learned alot since then and have practiced putting it into action in all my relationships.

Having said that, you are right...this may not be the most appropriate area of the discussion boards for her to post....

Joined: May 2004
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I'm getting rid of bed, two sofas, a love seat, coffee table, and end table. Everytime I see a vehicle like hers I get a sinking feeling. And there seems to be one everywhere I look. Gonna stick it out a few more months, then the house is going too. I think I'm going to buy one of those beds they have on the infomercials that I flip through in the wee hours of the morning when I can't sleep.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Ms.O:

I don't know about you, but even tho my marriage ended, I still consider myself a "winner" because I've learned alot since then and have practiced putting it into action in all my relationships.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I sure didn't intend that post to be a cheap shot at anyone here. Sometimes divorce is the only answer. I'd have to agree with you that there was a lot to be learned here and I'm grateful for the input.

But the fact of the matter still remains for me, I don't understand women, period. What I was pretty good at was being divorced and taking care of my children. I wound up getting custody of all three of them, and raised them alone without any moral or financial support from my ex.

A lot of the folks here have come up with pretty sound advice for getting through and adjusting to divorce. And I think you are right that a person who makes that adjustment successfully is a winner too.

<small>[ September 16, 2004, 08:34 AM: Message edited by: Bumperii ]</small>

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If the 2 of U are trying, then the 2 of U should work to come to an agreement.

The room and the bed bother you, he should be able to take your feelings into consideration and help to come to a resolution to the issue.

There is nothing silly about feelings and if he is agreeing to try, he should agree to consider your feelings on the matter.

The Policy of Joint Agreement

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getting rid of the bed is such an easy thing. I question why he refuses! I would never sleep with ky husband again (I guess why I am divorced) I would never sleep in that bed again. I bought a brand new bed, took a freind with me. we had such a great time picking it out.

the day my x left me the note asking for the divorce I refused for him to see me naked, to sleep next to him again. I call this honesty. Something I wish I had gotten from him.

He had the papers signed and ready to be serfved and gave me 1 hr of the best sex our marraige ever produced, I call this deceptive. But how can I be angry over an hr long orgasm. Deceptive yes. Mean ....well only in his mind. ha ha. I enjoyed it.

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Lynnnnn:

Although I can't respond to your query from a reconciliation perspective, I know for a fact that I have absolutely no interest in going in my old marital home - and even less interest sleeping in STBXW's old bed - because I know she has had her boyfriend (affectionately known by me as "Honda Boy") in there with her on a few occasions.

This is the very nice and very expensive boxspring and mattress set that STBXW and I bought with Christmas money from my parents a number of years ago.

No, I am much happier in my rented suite sleeping on an air mattress on the floor!!

Shaken

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I think that if the mattress bothers you, get rid of it and I know I will get flack for this, but if your spouse doesn't understand why and gives you a hard time then get rid of him!!!!
Sorry, but c'mon, How can he expect you to be comfortable in the bed if you have already voiced your concern about it? It is just a bed, he should get over it! Maybe he notched the bedpost. Better check.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by feel*so*alone:
<strong> I think that if the mattress bothers you, get rid of it and I know I will get flack for this, but if your spouse doesn't understand why and gives you a hard time then get rid of him!!!!
Sorry, but c'mon, How can he expect you to be comfortable in the bed if you have already voiced your concern about it? It is just a bed, he should get over it! Maybe he notched the bedpost. Better check. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds controlling to me. You are saying she has a feeling so she should force, coerce, convince him to do something?

What about the POJA. Wouldn't it be best if they came to some sort of agreement they could enthusiastically embrace.

That was my point when I wrote my first post. Seems everyone here is rushing to treat how the poster feels without even considering for a moment that there may be another and equally valid POV shared by him.

She certainly is entitled to her feelings and is entitled to choose her actions based on those feelings.

He too is entitled to his feelings about the bed.

Finally, no one has addressed what seem the inconsistency of why the bed is so evil and must be disposed of, but the actual "sinner" can be forgiven and allowed back.

It stands to reason to me that if she can take him back, the bed is no big deal. At least that's the way it works for me, if I forgive someone, I don't still hold a grudge against their stuff.

But what do I know?

TB

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Hypothetical,

Seems lynnnnnn says it was their old bed.

How about this scenario, lynnnnnn feels the same way, except, this bed belonged to her xH's great grandmother who he felt a special bond with, and she gave him this bed in the will. It's a family heirloom.

He too has great feelings associated with this bed, many fond memories of visiting great grandma and jumping on the bed, playing games, etc.

Should he still get rid of the bed just because it bothers her?

To me, it's not so simple as he should get rid of the bed. She has the right to make her will known, and what she will do, such as say, I will not sleep in that bed ever again.

However, to say that he must do X is a controlling statement, if I understand controlling behavior.

I believe lynnnnnn has the right to establish personal boundaries, she does not have the right to tell him what he should do.

TB

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Ok, then get rid of the mattress!!!!

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I am sorry but I don't think there are many ways to POJA it. Even if it is a family heirloom. If she feels uncomfortable then she feels uncomfortable. Make it the guest room bed then, I do not know I am only offering suggestions.

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I think you are on the right track.

I understand that she has her feelings, and I don't want to invalidate them.

However, I don't think it is reasonable to expect that she can force him to do something.

I hope I'm not being condescending here when I get into the difference between boundaries and control.

Boundary: I will not sleep in that bed.
Control: You should get rid of that bed.

Boundaries are healthy and acceptable, it is reasonable to decided and communicate what you will and will not do.

It is not healthy to tell someone else what they should do. Most people resist being controlled by others.

While it will not do the relationship much good for him to keep the bed if it bothers her. It probably does as much harm it she says he HAS to get rid of the bed.

Control tends to invalidate and dimish his POV because it comes across as what I think or believe is all that matters.

Boundaries don't invalidate what another person believes because they are given the freedom to keep their beliefs. Boundaries simply define how you will behave, and ultimately, you realy can only control yourself.

TB

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your post makes all the sense in the world to me.
I do not believe in ultimatums either. I was kinda joking about get rid of him. Alittle thing(the bed) to stop the marriage considering there were A's.


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