It is not really about only my decision to divorce my H. It is more about my setting boundaries and adhering to them.

I no more want to divorce my H than I want to poke a pencil through my eye. But I also will not continue on in a relationship where he degrades me. He decided that he wanted a divoce a little over a week ago. He waffled, saying "I know it's best, but maybe we can have a prolonged separation." Then he decided the next day again that he wanted a divorce. Although he hadn't filed, he made his desires clear to me.

I have to assess the damage in the relationship, and with his parents knowing and banning me from contact with them, I cannot with good conscience bring children into the world knowing they will be deprived of a family as punishment for something I did.

In addition, I do not see that any of his past patterns have changed. He continued to try to control me. He continued to degrade me with words and phrases. And as of late, he continues to think it's OK to have EA's. He does not recognize an EA as a true A - because he has not "done anything." His disrespect of my feelings continues - his disregard for my boundaries continues.

I feel I have fought long and hard for this marriage, and would continue to fight if I felt that he was even willing to put in some effort toward my needs as well. Filing the D papers does not mean it will be final. But it is my reinforcement of my boundaries. If he is not willing to work on our M, then I am prepared to leave. I cannot live in a M that degrades me constantly, punishes me, is immersed in alcohol, and that does not allow me the freedom to find happiness again.

I do not think he is a bad person. But I do think that he has a problem with alcohol - I do think he has a problem with needing to degrade others so that he feels better - and I don't think he is interested in understanding or resolving my own A. If he is not willing to work after a year and a half, what am I to do?

This is not just a knee-jerk reaction to his A. This was the option I was having to consider before I found his e-mails. I believe this was an exit A for him. I believe his telling his parents was it's own form of an exit A. I am not closed off to working on this M. But I will show him that I have enough self respect to hold my ground with regards to my boundaries....

So in essence, it's not about living with my decision. It's really about setting my own boundaries, and fighting for what I want. I want a good M - I want happiness - I want to heal. All of that I would like preferably with him. But as long as I waffle or as long as I let him drive the bus, he will continue to punish, demean, have his EA, and keep me stringing along. He has to show me I can trust him, too.

I hope you understand.

I do understand and I hope that you also understand why I said what I said. You are absolutely right that you MUST set boundaries or your H will continue to degrade you and that is what Plan B is exactly for. By not going to Plan B and filing for divorce, you MAY be closing off all chances for a possible reconciliation and possibly on regreting your decision later on. But if you are absolutely sure that this is the right way for you to go then so be it.

TMCM,

I feel very confident that this is the way I must initiate my Plan B. H already said he wanted a D, and even though he oscillated some, he reaffirmed the day I confronted him about the e-mails.

One of my problems in the past is that I have not been aggressive enough with enforcing my boundaries. I fear (with H's history) that if I were not to file, he would call my plan B a bluff. By saying "I cannot live with X, Y and will not talk until you are willing to work on the M" would not be aggressive enough. He would simply say "well, I'm still thinking."

By filing, I still have at least 60 days....and even more if I feel that this is not the right way. But at least by filing I can show him that I am serious about his needing to get out of his A, and working on the M - OR I will be gone.

I did write him an e-mail that indicated my intents. It was that I still loved him, and even though I filed, divorce was not what I really want. However, that I would proceed unless he was willing to give up his "friendship" with L, and was willing to work on the M.

He needs to know I mean business. I am tired of sitting back and waiting for his decision. I, too, have feelings and need to find resolution. I do not feel I have ablated all opportunity for reconcilliation. I feel he had already made his decision. I am just simply reinforcing my boundaries and showing him that I, too, have some self respect. I will not continue in a M to watch him waffle on his decision, have an EA with L, and to degrade me, manipulate me, and lead me on.....

Anyway, I do understand what you are saying, but I really don't feel that what I have done will negate chances. If they still exist, this will force him into really looking at what he wants and having to commit. If they don't exist, this will give me closure to this chapter.

There are still at least 60 days.