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Joined: Apr 2003
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Hi All:

Been a while. Been out of work and have had to rearrange my use of time. But as things are looking up, there is more time to write.

I am the one in Finland whose wife of 18 years left him immediately after after I confessed infidelity. Our divorce was official back in April 2003. Nonetheless, I continue to stand. Although there is nothing in her eyes, I continue to stand. I just read "AlanArthur"`s thread regarding reconciliation after divorce and was struck by some similarities. I too recommend that he move back closer to her world. Being closer though is only part of the battle.

My x-wife lives just 1/4 mile away, but we still see very little of each other. Our two children, 13 and 11, live with me. Indeed, they have chosen to live with me and seem to want to have very little to do with their mother. My x-wife practices what I call "minimalistic mothering". She very rarely initiates anything with our children; seeing them, at most, perhaps once every ten days. Mind you, there are no restrictions whatsoever upon her seeing them and she lives so close by. The children also don`t initiate any contact with her. Overall, their relationship seems to involve only surface level interaction. It is so very sad.

My x-wife`s excuse is her work schedule. She works frequent morning shifts and therefore must go to bed early and get up in the middle of the night. She wants everyone she meets to feel sorry for her. Each conversation I observe of hers ends up being about how exhausted she is, how she works so many hours, and has to get up "again" at 03:00.

Despite her complaints though about having no time and being exhausted, my x-wife continues the affair with the man she left me for 28 months ago. Oddly, this man has still not met my children. She and he have even talked about moving in together, but still he has not met my children. This really confuses me.

I still seek reconciliation, but it seems I am fighting an addiction. Doesn`t this sound like addiction? What do you think MB friends? My x-wife has basically abandoned everything in her former life for this one man. She maintains none of the friendships and family relationships of former days. Physically and emotionally, she seems wiped out. I just don`t know what to do though to help her. Everyone around her, friends and family, is also deeply concerned for her health and emotional well-being.

When I do see her, I am kind, caring, helpful but make no demands upon her. I try to keep things light-hearted. We never talk about her relationship; only about how she is coping and then about the children. I also have really worked on myself. One piece of great news is that I will finally be baptized one week from now. 41 is not too late; not for Jesus. My spirtual life has just been blossoming and this is the greatest news of all.

Although this all seems hopeless, I am still standing. I Love her and believe that there can be healing after broken vows. It just takes time.

Standing Patiently.

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God bless you my brother!! I was SOOOO encouraged to log in & read this awesome story this AM. Keep it up!!!

Many congrats on the surrender to Jesus Christ & your upcoming baptism! What a witness!!!

Ref the wife. Mine too left & lives about 1 mile away in a new house she bought! She seems also hopeless for reconciliation. Although there appears to be no current man (prior affair 5 yrs ago), she's abandoned everything, church, family, friends.

I can only offer this. Sounds bizzare, but Jesus said it. As this old sin-cursed world winds down to an end, Jesus said that it would be like in the days of Sodom & Gomorrah for perversion & immorality. Then He uttered 3 mysterious words that have begun to take on more meaning for me: "Remember Lot's wife!" (Lk 17) --> clearly a warning of her experience of turning around & foresaking her salvation & becoming a pillar of salt.

It seems that there will be more and more family separations towards the end as folks ultimately choose to obey God or turn around back to the world. One spouse finds God. One turns into a hard-hearted "pillar of salt" as it were. Such is the case in your life and mine it seems.

Just keep in mind, God has brought enourmous beauty from the ashes of your life. Look how He has saved YOU!!!!???? And you are so blessed to have your kids wanting to live with you. That is a tremendous advantage for their salvation opportunities too.

God be near to you my brother,
High Flight

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Standing,
I do worry that you're persistance is getting in the way of your healing. While it is true there are endless possibilities, you need to deal with the way things really are.

Imagine this. You are on a beautiful island. It appears to have everything you need. Unfortunately, a rogue nation decides to dump their excess biological weapons there, and suddenly, you're not feeling so well.

As a man of deep faith, you know God meant for you to have this beautiful island paradise, and you really don't want to leave behind the bamboo church you've built to His Glory. You also know that God is a God of Peace who strong discourages the use of biological weapons So, you trust God will clean up your island and stop the perpetrators.

And so you stay instead of building a life raft and setting sail for parts unknown.

Unfortunately, since you are merely mortal, you can't see that God has a new land a few miles away and this one is populated with people. And He's hoping you'll get off your fanny, build the boat and go minister to these people.

The reality is your exwife is not coming back. She still shows no signs at all of returning. I doubt she even wants a "marriage" at all. If she did, OM would be something more than a midnight diversion.

So, once you accept that, you can figure out what God wants you to do.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The reality is your exwife is not coming back.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do any of us know what "will" or "won't" happen in someone else's life, let alone our own?

We don't know the future. Only God does.

No one can say whether your wife, Standing, will return or not, but none of your prayers, none of your faith, and none of your hope will return void or be wasted.

Whatever the future holds, the Lord is working in your life.

Pray for your wife. That is the best way you can help her, especially from afar.

<small>[ September 17, 2004, 04:47 PM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

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LoveMyEx,

While I agree in theory,I think you are holding out a false hope. Standing's ex-wife has been quite clear that she's divorced and not planning on remarrying Standing. Not only that, she's not shown any sign in 2 years that she regrets her decision.

At some point, waiting around and hoping your ex-wife will decide to date you and remarry you stops being about hope and starts being about avoidance.

Standing, why don't you ask your Ex? She's the only one who can tell you. And when she answers, pay her the respect of believing her answer.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">While I agree in theory,I think you are holding out a false hope. Standing's ex-wife has been quite clear that she's divorced and not planning on remarrying Standing. Not only that, she's not shown any sign in 2 years that she regrets her decision.

At some point, waiting around and hoping your ex-wife will decide to date you and remarry you stops being about hope and starts being about avoidance.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">REALLY?!?!?!

So you say, it is all about avoidance?

or

False Hope?

or

Maybe wishful thinking?

Sorry. Can't accept any of that.
My EX-Husband sits across from me on another computer right this instant after being G-O-N-E from here for over 3 years. We're engaged.

He div'd me, moved in w/ow, and they were planning to marry. He was never coming back (he said).

First I went through the shock. Then I returned to God. I prayed. I sought God's answers. And He made it clear to me that His will was that we would be reconciled.

NOTHING looked like that would ever happen. But I trusted God, and I stood.

GOD BROUGHT IT ABOUT IN HIS WAY, AND HIS TIME.

I, too, have been changing.............changed. Now God is working on my H. He is attending church with me, praying and seeking God's will on his own.

StandingPatiently,

As a man of great faith, I urge you to continue to STAND, to continue to BELIEVE, to continue to PRAY.

I, too, believe the "end is near." I also believe God is calling His own children back to Himself, and using methods which we cannot understand to do this.

I now see that it often takes unusual circumstances to reach some of us. God did that for me.........and healed my M. The "old" M was pretty messed up anyway, and I don't think either one of us knew how to "fix" it.

God did for us what we didn't know how to do for ourselves. I believe He is doing that for many, many people as we approach the "end of the ages."

Take care, Standing, and High Flight. GOD IS WORKING ON YOUR BEHALF.

Believe. Obey. Pray. Stand.

God Bless,

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Maybe I'm not the best person to ask since I'm the one who left and who filed for divorce. I'd hate to think my STBX was sitting around hoping I'd see the Light and come back. Or worse thinking that I'd fallen away from God because I found him impossible to live with.

<small>[ September 17, 2004, 09:02 PM: Message edited by: greengables ]</small>

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Standing,

While perhaps hanging on in your case might seem like you're deluding yourself, if you can do it and aren't unhappy doing it and choose to, then I see nothing wrong with it. I've read Lupolady's recent events and think hers is a wonderful case where all seemed lost to the human eye, and yet she's now engaged to her ex.

I beat myself up sometimes because I didn't stand, didn't wait. My STBXH left me for another woman. He made no mention of D. He didn't want to D. However, he also didn't want to be with me. He just wanted "time to sort things out". After a year, and watching him spiral further and further down in the A and into his addictions, I gave up.

While I'm also sticking by my decision and going through with my D, short of God doing something to change it in the next 60 days, I still wabble back and forth with whether I did the right thing.

I know God hates D. In my case I prayed and asked for direction, and it seems each time I did that, my STBX did something else that was hurtful. I finally broke after a particularly ugly phone conversation where in a drunken state, he threatened me financially, and I filed.

But it's not an easy thing to do. And I don't think God wants it. Will I miss God's blessings because I did? I'm not sure.

And to further confuse myself, I was speaking with STBX today about division of property and finally said, "You know, this isn't easy for me. It's not what I wanted."

His response, "I know. I understand right now you want to be safe financially, but you never know what the future holds."

What does that mean?

So of course I still second guess myself.

Moral: If you feel this is the right thing for you right now, and it doesn't leave you second-guessing, then what's wrong with it?

LL

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Green Gables (perhaps your name is Anne?):

I "am" on a beautiful island. It is called Earth, and God created it for you and me. And when trials come to threaten this paradise of ours, I believe it is better to stand and face them rather than sail away to other trials. The island, its trials, and any alternative refuge all belongs to God anyway.

As for me, I only have one life, and long ago, I committed that its purpose would be to stand next to a person to whom I promised my eternal Love. Sure toxic biological waste has had me under attack. It is called sin. I have been battling it all my life, but most recently, I have been gaining an upper hand by staying in the Word, by growing, and by healing. Toxic sin continues to attack my x-wife too, but I have been using industrial strength prayer to combat it.

And yes, there are those others on distant islands to whom I could minister. But I know that God already has them in hand. He will not burden me, nor them, with more than we can carry.

Finally, if you are so sure that my x-wife will never come back, I `d like to know what channel your crystal ball is on. Perhaps I could also tune in and select next week`s Lotto numbers.

Standing Patiently

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I am not predicting the future.
And I did admit that I was personally biased.

Standing, what hope has your ex-wife given you?

As for my island analogy it doesn't hold water every where. However, in it I never suggested the Creator would like us to run away from our challenges. In fact, I suggested that facing your real challenges is imperative.

I think I misunderstood your initial post because I thought perhaps there was a question as to what the real challenges were. A question as to whether the challenge is to wait until your ex-wife choses to come back to you, or the challenge of accepting that the marriage failed and your wife is now your ex wife.

Lordslady, If you "stand" for your marriage as in not divorce, you will be doing harm to your husband by enabling him. By letting him avoid the consequences of his actions you are robbing him of oppertunities to grow.

Standing, Lupo and others, I'm sorry if my opinion seems so far out of bounds. I suppose it is because I'm the one who filed. Thus I come at this situation from almost the opposite point of view.

And now, back to your sympathetic promgramming.


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