Since this D thing is all rather new to me, I'm not sure I'm handling it the right way. First, seems the OW is now my "best friend". That is sort of freaky. I'm being nice because I'm just sick of fighting, and I know as long as I run my issues through her, she knows I'm not talking to my STBX, so it makes her happy, too.

But now she'll call me about something and end up on the phone for an hour. Today she stopped by to pick up a suit jacket he'd left here and stood in my driveway and talked forever.

And what's weird--I actually feel sorry for her, almost feel pity, like I want to help her. She's never known a normal life--has always been surrounded by alcoholics--her dad, her step-dad, her first husband, and now my STBX. Her little baby, sleeping peacefully in the carseat as we talked, lives in this situation.

Am I freakin' going insane or what??! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
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Next item: My step-MIL called me last night. It's the first time I've talked with her in several months.

She wanted me to know that they still think STBX is crazy for giving up everything for OW, and although they feel they can't say much because their M was the product of an A, they wanted to know how things were going for the kids and me, and to let me know that they love me and still want me as a part of the family.

That was very good to hear. I told her I haven't called lately because I didn't want to overstep my boundaries. She told me not to worry, that I was welcomd to call or stop in.

So maybe though they won't technically be my "family" after the D is final, maybe I still can remain in some sort of relationship with them.

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Finally, I went with my mom to take my dad to a pulmonary specialist today. He has failed dramatically since a bout with pneumonia in December--his first ever. He was diagnosed then with lung disease and shortly therafter, with early Alzheimers.

His Alzheimer's drug has done wonders helping with his confusion. He's still repetitive, but seems to usually know where he is and what's going on.

However, in the last 2 months he's gotten very short of breath, and his legs are swelling, and he sleeps constantly.

Today's downer of a diagnosis: He has "end-stage lung disease (COPD) with about a 20% lung capacity and the beginnings of congestive heart failure. His oxygen level was dismal. He has been prescribed oxygen 100% of the time (which he won't do, because he won't give up smoking, so will only be able to do oxygen at night for the most part) and some more meds.

It's hard to see you parents, who used to be so strong, in such a weak state. I don't want him to lose his mind from Alzheimers and live another 10 years in confusion. But I don't want him to smother because he can't breathe either. It's tough. I just want him to be comfortable, and have dignity.

I want to be strong for my parents. I want to be strong for my kids. I have to be strong for myself.

I can only say it's God keeping me this way, because on my own, I'd have been a basket case by now.

LL

Hi LL,

I am sorry to hear about your difficulties.In all honesty I do not understand how you can say one peep to that homewrecker OW.I know you would rather not make waves but boy oh boy,she is probably thinking how easy this all is,swoop in,take your WH and then be friends with the wifey.PUKE.I sure hope you know what you're doing.The homewrecker in my case knows how much I loathe her very existence so I think if she has half a brain she will stay clear of me in every way.So far,she has only because she would like to pretend that I and my children don't exist at all.I think that must be how she can sleep at night.Homewrecking trash.

As for your parents,I sympathize with what you are going through.Unfortunately for me,I am 99% sure my Dad now has bladder cancer.He has to go in for more surgery this month to take some samples and do a path report on the polyps.Needless to say,I feel dumped on.I keep thinking,what else have you in store for me God? Have I not handled too much already? Ugh.And,it would have helped to have my loving H with me for support but he no longer exists.So,I go it alone.I have no siblings to help cope or share fear with and my mom is basically not concerned since she was the "victim" in all his inappropriate and hurtful behavior when I was a teenager(they have long since been D'd).This is not something I want to have happen but it's not altogether surprising either.You can't smoke for 50 years and not have some consequences later in life.

You know,I am so tired of being strong.I want someone else to carry the load for a while but I look around and see that no one is standing nearby,ready to change places.

I agree with you that God must be the only one holding me up to go on another day.I cannot imagine that it is only me and my strength although I do admit to having a lot of it but this is getting surreal.What's next I wonder?

Well,here's to more stamina,power and perserverance for us all while we continue to endure.

Take care {{LL}}.

O