I am writing an email to my ex here instead of actually sending it to him.....as my head tells me to shut my lonely heart up.

Topie in particular if you're out there, I'd appreciate any thoughts you have about my stupid loneliness for my exH, even though the way he treated me for the past couple of years was like crap. I miss what we once had, I miss the happiness we once shared. And it sure doesn't look like I'm going to find anyone to share that with anytime soon.....

Here's my draft e-mail:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Hey there John,

I've got a couple of questions for you.

1. Tell me more about what is going on with grandfather. I understand he was moved from the University Hospital to some other smaller care facility on the other side of the city. Will he ever get to go home again?

2. Are you happier now that you are with someone who appreciates you more than I showed I did?

I meant it when I said that I miss you every day. I still do. We were so happy together for so long. I cherish all of the memories that I have. However, I just know that your love for me is gone, long gone, and that you couldn't ever treat me with thesame love and respect you once did. So I knew enough to move on so you could try to be happy with someone else.

If you could at least answer number one, I'd really appreciate it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's one of those grey and dreary days that just adds to my sadness.....

Jen <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Jen,

I'm so sorry you are feeling a down moment. I understand how you feel because I am just embarking on this part of the journey....

You know, when I first came to MB, I felt a draw to your posts. I was not sure what it was, but I felt somehow that I was in the same situation as you - a WS who was remorseful and wanted to work on the M. But who would not be forgiven by my H. But at first, my H claimed to "want" to work on things.....so I thought - well, my instincts must be wrong.

Now I realize I was drawn to your situation because the manipulation and degradation so closely resembled mine. Both of our H's wanted inequality in the M (control for them, submissiveness for us), and they were not willing (or couldn't as the case may be) give back to us what we wanted to give to them.

I read a lot about how your H manipulated your feelings, and how he disrespected your boundaries. Funny, mine did the same. I read about how your H would not commit to the M, but would also say he did not want a D. Funny, so did mine. I read about how your H would continue having his girlfriends even in the face of your uncomfort. Mine did too. Your H ended up having an A of his own. You got it - so did mine.

When I read this, and I see how you feel, I can only tell you what I tell myself right now. You have control of your life. You choose to be the person you are now. While you may have had some happy times, they are in the past. Just as the A's are in the past. You cannot change the past, but you also cannot resurrect it. The only thing we can control and work toward are the present and future.

Your H chooses to be the person he is - manipulative, disrespectful, and unremorseful. You on the other hand, have done a lot of work to be respectful, honorable, and strong. You are a "whole" person now.

I think it's good to grieve the memories - it's what I am having to do. And I don't think it's a linear process.....much like recovering from an A. But in the face of this sadness remember that you have successfully come a long way. That you will find what you are looking for in the future. You are a true and good person who should be proud of herself for the recovery she has made.

Good luck, Jen

Hi Jen,

Obviously I'm not Topie, but I still wanted to give you a (((((((((hug)))))))))). I will pray for you and L.I.T .

TMCM

L.I.T., thanks so much for your post. I especially appreciate you pointing out the similarities in my situation and yours. Some key phrases jumped out at me:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now I realize I was drawn to your situation because the manipulation and degradation so closely resembled mine. Both of our H's wanted inequality in the M (control for them, submissiveness for us) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I read a lot about how your H manipulated your feelings, and how he disrespected your boundaries.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have control of your life. You choose to be the person you are now.....Your H chooses to be the person he is - manipulative, disrespectful, and unremorseful. You on the other hand, have done a lot of work to be respectful, honorable, and strong. You are a "whole" person now.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All of these observations and comments clearly jolt me back into the pleasant reality I live in now. It is far better to be on my own, controlling my own life, and not being manipulated and disrespected all the time.

Good luck in your recovery too.

TMCM, it's always good to hear from you. Thanks for the encouragement again!

At the end of the day today, I am feeling far more like my upbeat self. I'm out of the funk.

Jen:)

{{{{{{{{{{{Jen}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I've always relate to you, too, even though I'm the BS. My WH had a similar gripe. He felt I didn't show him enough appreciation and accused me of having an emotional affair with an XBF from 20+ years ago (WH read in my journal how I did not feel wanted by him and wished he'd treat me the way I remembered XBF treating me).

I missed STBXH terribly for years, but I've come to realize that what I missed was what I always wanted with him but never really had. The reality was that he's a narcissistice alcoholic/addict who cheated on me and verbally abused me for years. Each time I left him, and I left him many times, he'd chase after me and promise me the world and I'd come back hoping that this time it would be different. For some reason, it seems harder to give up the dreams of what might have been than the reality of what was.

I think this was a good place to post your e-mail, rather than sending it to him. Are you in touch at all? with his family? I'm asking because of your concern about his grandfather. I had to gradually let go of my connections to my in-laws, esp. my MIL with whom I was very close. She is hospitalized with Alzheimer's now, which is a blessing in some ways since she would have been devastated with what's happened to her son and grandsons (her favorite dead by suicide and the "family hero" dropping out of college and using drugs).

Hugs JenBrown,

Ahhh- I feel your saddness and concern.

Glad you did the right thing here by posting-where you will get a heart felt caring response. To send or not to send this is the question.

Imho- I would refrain at this time- sounds like he's not broken,remorseful and lacks the capacity to be decent,respectful and considerate.

Give your self more time for your emotions to uncloud and settle.

It appears when a person operates from a diminished capacity standpoint, trying to communicate and reason with them is near next to impossible. As they lack any inner interior logic or healthy heart.

Difficult to wrap one's mind around but it seems once the light disappears from their heart, thier hearts turn to hard rubber.

Meaning anything you say just will bounce back to you like a rubber bullet. This has been definately been the theme of my experinces with my xh.

It appears once a persons decides to switch off their conscience, thier hearts, minds, souls power off as well.

By all means write what ever you want to give freedom and release from your heart and soul here. It's a safe place.

In the past several years I have written many vent letters to my xh but never mail them or email them. Feels so good to write and type out my emotions.

I am learning it's best to put all our engergies into our own healing and lives first. Otherwise we become to weakened and too drained.

Unhealthy partners to me are like a great drain enegry liabiablity they consume volumes of energy but return very little,due to the fact they have a burnout short fuse within themselves.

If one is not careful well we all know what happens then. Electric shock and burns. Ouch.

Disentagling is quite a process. Messy, but in the end neccessary to sort our memories, feelings and experiences into three piles, the good, the bad and the ugly. To make room for a better life for ourselves and within ourselves.

Who knows maybe one day he might get his wires fixed and write you a lovely letter thankingyou for being such a wonderful human being and what a mistake it was to lose you, not because of you but because of his own irresponibilities, immaturities and foolishness.

Hopefully, by then you will be in a much more satisfying, respectful and mature relationship that equals or matches your own capacity to love, cherish and respect.

Just food for thought- but do as you feel appropiate and led.

Smiles

Hi there LetSTry,

You were right when you said, "I missed STBXH terribly for years, but I've come to realize that what I missed was what I always wanted with him but never really had." Or, similarly, I miss what we once had years ago, but lost, and I dreamed of us regaining. Truth is, it was gone. I see that now. You hit the nail on the head with this comment too: "For some reason, it seems harder to give up the dreams of what might have been than the reality of what was." Indeed!

The last time my exH was in touch with me was via email at the beginning of July when his grandfather had a stroke. Then, when I got home from vacation at the end of July I went to visit his grandfather in hospital. I've heard since through a girlfriend who sometimes talks to my now exSIL that the grandfather was moved to some other care facility. It just seems so insane to cut off my contact with the grandparents, especially when their health may be failing. But I have learned that it is easiest if I just have no contact with my former inlaws at all. My exH used to just freak right out and get mad if I interacted with his mother or my former BILs. He was possessive about his family. And yet they were my family too for 12+ years. I was closer to his grandparents than my own, who passed away by the time I was 12. I still have mixed feelings about not seeing them. His grandparents on the other side I can visit without it getting back to my exH, and I do so, but not as often as I probably should. It's been MONTHS now. That's sad to hear your exMIL has alzheimer's, but I do see your point about it being a sort of blessing.

skydiver, what you wrote describes the state of my now exH's mind for the entirety of our separation: "It appears when a person operates from a diminished capacity standpoint, trying to communicate and reason with them is near next to impossible." He couldn't be reasoned with at all. His supposed logic was something like he deserved to have all the control, to call all the shots, and take as bloody long as he liked to figure himself out, etc. I sincerely doubt however that he would ever write me a "lovely" letter to thank me for anything. I think I may only hear a message similar to that on his or my deathbed. I can live with that, I just know better than to hold my breath waiting for such a thing!

Thanks to both of you for the encouragement!

Jen:)

Jenn - Hugs to you...

Jenn & L.I.T. - sounds like we were all M to the same kind of guy..I read your 2 posts and they could have been about my M too..Your right about what we thought we had and dreamed of what we could have had...It's our dreams not theirs..sad..

HUGS

Jen,

Not sure I've ever posted to you before, but I've read through this thread a few times since you started it. I can relate to SO much what people have said.

For some reason, it seems harder to give up the dreams of what might have been than the reality of what was.

I'm having a tough time today with memories of the past, and realizing that everything is ending. But the statement above is one that really hits home. Giving up the dreams of what might have been is, to me, just plain "giving up". It's giving up hope and all the things I've prayed for for so long. It is so "final".

I know my hoping my STBXH is a good person doesn't make him a good person. Dreaming of retiring together some day and driving around the country in a motorhome doesn't make it happen. But while things were not always easy during our M (my STBX is a self-centered, immature, alcoholic/substance user who tended to be emotionally abusive, too), I could always have the dreams that they might change.

Now I have to give up those dreams. And it is hard.

LL