I've been married to high school sweetheart for 8 years, ours is not the best of marriages, çause of very different perpective in life. I the thinking serious Taurus and he's the jovial moody Gemini. I just opposite attracts. Now my problem is his behaviour in the chatline. How I know what he's doing? "Cause i have installed a spy software in our PC. I kind of in the IT line, he's not so IT savvy, advantage for me. I have read his emails. and confronted him. He's angry. He's quite a humorous guy, girls at the office like him. He has began chatting, SMS, emails with these girls nothing specific just friendly chatter, which I don't like. At the chatline, he's picking up sex related topics with girls. Is that considered infidelity? I know he haven't start any real affairs, but all the same I'm very sad and hurt. I had long talks with him, and he promised to stop his antics. But again I just come back from a trip and my spy software has revealed he's started chatting on the net looking for cyber thrills. What should I do? <p>Before this I've given him kind of warning that if he repeats his cyber nonsense, I'm pulling out of this marriage. Btw we got two boys. I have read your basic concepts and tried some of them. Of course some positives has came of it. But now with my new evidence, I feel very reluctant to try these things I learned from your website. Plz help me.

Hi there,<p>I'm no expert at the MB type of lifestyle (I'm here because I have problems of my own), but I have been online for over 6 years. I develop internet applications, from AI robots, to web development, and low level server code.<p>Personally, I think making advances (sexually related topics) to females online is the same as going to a bar and and doing the same there. So if you think your H going to a bar to chat with women is harmless, then I guess doing the same online would be too.<p>A person who is in love with their spouse is not going to behave that way.<p>It needs to stop, or it will become a determent to the relationship, and for reasons other than just you being able to trust him.<p>JMHO... take that for what it's worth (likely not much) [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

double post<p>[ June 08, 2002: Message edited by: J . ]</p>

Thanx J. Sometimes other people see the situation clearer.

I agree. If this behavior is causing you to feel badly, then there is a problem. What emotional needs does he have that he is getting filled on the net? And why can't you fill them? <p>I would read all the stuff on this site and then I would talk to him about how this makes you feel and ask him to stop.

I was going through the postings, my problem seems so unimportant and minute, however to me it is a big deal, that's why I'm glad I found MB. I 'm sorry if I sound boring, plz bear with me, I need to know other people views. Because of different background (religion/culture/society) I need to modify some advise that suits my situation.<p>An update on the situation, when I confronted my H abt these cyber escape, he was surprisingly not pissed off, he admitted his faults and promised not to return to these chatlines again. I for one, don't believe it, these habits are to break.
I'll continue monitoring these net activities to be sure. I have printed out the emotional needs and love buster questionaires, but haven't got the time and a way to get him to do together with me. Must get the right time to do it, else he'll intimidated.<p>I have thought abt his needs and why he's doing this sex cchatline, why can't I meet them. Does it this sex chatline, boils down to sex? But in our relationship, we both agreed that sex one thing that is great. What else does he need in this respect? <p>Sometimes I think I think too much. Come to think abt it, the situation is not that simple, I will have trace all the things I have and have not done for him, to know him and myself better. I will digest all the info that's here, hope I can solve my problems. <p>Thanx

Jee,<p>Yes, it's infidelity/adultery and needs to be confronted and cut out completely by him. His Needs/Her Needs, & the surveys at this site have to be filled out, understood and worked on by you both. <p>For 1 yr. I had a sexual flirting email affair w/friend of 8 yrs. He started sex talk when W had A & hadn't slept w/him in 2 yrs, and I went along with it when I was no longer in love w/my H after 9 yrs. of overall neglect, sex 1x/mo., and was in the process of separating. My H and I didn't separate afterall, but moved to another house & started therapy. H moved out of his. Wrongly, I maintained the contact via email because I admired him in many ways, we had SSOOOOO many common interests, and I was incredibly attracted to him...I wanted to keep him in my back pocket, I felt so hopeless about my M. When I finally chose my H and marriage, I told OM I wanted to remain in touch (as friends...stupidly still thinking backpocket as friend..no dice, and still not totally committed to H), but had to stop the flirting. This wasn't okay w/OM, because he ended up propositioning me in person once his separation was final. I turned him down. Everybody lost (but it could have been a lot worse!).

I knew all along it was adultery. You know why? Because even though it was just talk, to this day I FEEL LIKE I SLEPT WITH THE GUY. I feel dirty when I look back on the chat and the fantasizing that resulted. It's done incredible damage to my marriage and how I view sex/trust people & myself. It made a farse of what previously had been a friendship. Have it stop before it gets out of hand. <p>If there's been considerable sexual flirting, I would even venture to read "After the Affair" by Janis Spring for further examination of why your H strayed in this manner. We are reading it now, 5 months after flirting/no contact ended w/OM. It sounds like you're already aware of your different personalities, as you mentioned your astrological signs. I'd go further by reading Tim LaHaye's (Christian author, but you can also get secular books on the subject) book on the four temperaments: "The Spirit-Filled Temperament". It is good to know which temperaments you are and why you respond to each other the way you do. It will also reveal why you are attracted to one another even though you are so different. It's good to understand this so that you're less likely to blame one another for being different or resent yourself for choosing your life partner; if you can learn about and understand where your differences come from, you can learn to APPRECIATE those differences, and, eventually each other. You can order all books at Amazon.com.<p>Will keep you in prayer.

jee,<p>Hi. We share the same pain. You are so right to recognize that this is betrayal. Here on MB they are called EAs-emotional affairs. That is exactly where the PA-physical affairs-begin. Having someone else meet your and meeting their emotional needs. If you click on my profile and then my recent posts you can read my story. I too have installed spyware that tells all, no matter what he tells me.
I'm so sorry for your hurt and pain. When I first found out, I think I cleaned the house and cried for about three weeks straight. My kids had a basket case for a mom, poor kids.
My H has numerous issues going on besides the chat. We have been having trouble for years, now it has exploded in our faces. He had plenty of options besides finding comfort in someone else. Always the wrong decision. Not our fault, their responsibility, although unmet needs in them we failed to meet left us at risk as a couple.
I don't know if we are going to survive this. He won't go to learn how to communicate and I guess I it is too late with me. I feel nothing anymore. <p>I will pray for you Jee. Pray that is does not become too late for you.<p>Sobroken

Jee<p>You're right--the Questionnaire does need to be approached with tactfulness. What I did was take it to my h and ask him if he would do it for me so that *I* would know where to start working on the improvement *I* needed to make. After a couple of days, I asked him again and he finally did.<p>I read it and asked him a few questions. He never did read the one I filled out and after a while, I got over it. At least, I know now what my en's are and I can voice them to him.

Yes, internet As are insidious. I had one for almost a year and I lied to myself that at least it was not a PA. But as others said, EA leads to sex and eventually I couldn't stop my desire to meet the online OM. My H told me when I chatted that I could do what I wanted. He told me he didn't like it, but thought he couldn't stop me. I'd keep doing it if I wanted to. What a mistake. I WISH he had insisted and checked DAILY and demanded complete honesty with me. The chat was only an escape, avoidance of the real issues, my own or marriage issues. Your H might have his own issues that he needs to admit and work on or other needs he may be afraid to ask you to meet. I wish you the best. But I agree with another post. ONline chats are EXACTLY the same as going to a bar and picking up another person.
I feel SO HORRIBLE and dirty and guilty about what I did. At the time it felt great. I rationalized that I wasn't having sex with the online OM. BUt I was. Big time. I would get off many times while cyber chatting, we had phone sex after I got to know him more and felt more comfortable. EVen thougth I hadn't met him in person, our talks were so intimate and so frequent and long and secretive it was the same or even WORSE because I allowed myself to open up even more than I might in person. WHen I just think about it. One day my husband came home unexpectedly while I was voice chatting with OM and I think I told him something sexy just as I heard H's steps in the hallway. This was the same as if my husband had walked in on the two of us in bed! At the time, I lied to myself it was not that serious, but it was. It is lying and cheating.
I wonder what this spyware is like. WHere did you get it and how much is it? Can H know that it's there? I actually now want to have that for H.

Thanx for yr views. First the spyware is widely available on the net. Price is reasonable. I'll pay anything to get to the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts but then again we can't be the one suffering all the time. But are freeware available for keyboard recording. If yr spouse is a computer literate might be a problem if it's suspected of spying. Any got good recommendation of such freeware??? <p>As for H, we had nice long talks recently, I have to remember the LB inorder to achieve my objective, haven't bring out the quetionaire though because of time restraint( I work 9-5; he's on shift). Needless to say, I went the extra mile to accomodate his feelings. He said it saddens him that I was so hurt by his nonsense. I wish it never happened and pray hard he's not so addicted. Can I trust him?<p>So far I have learnt a couple things from all the things that happen. I always think that it was never my fault all this unhappiness. But looking back and thinking hard of his EN and LB, I do make mistakes especially in neglecting him when the kids were born. I'm also overly independant yet posessive, always think I'm right, and also demanding. This is not my guilty consciense talking but knowing my weaknesses and trying to overcome them, helps me look at the situation in different perspective. What if I am in his shoes? Of course I am angry and hurt and sad abt with his EA, but anger makes things worse, and I can't think properly. MB gives me the avenue and strength through other members experience and advise, to learn how to deal with this. I will have to learn to move on and not indulge in self pity. <p>Since I have started my self renewal and facing uncertain path this epsiode has brought, I feel much better now I know MB is there and virtual strangers share my grieve and prayers. Lets hope and pray this is the road to recovery.