I discovered my wife has had multiple affairs
including one that lasted on and off for
the last 10 years.

I have been trying to reconcile but I am really
not getting what I need from this relationship
and that is making it harder to forgive.

I plan to meet with my lawyer next week so
I can get the facts as to my rights and
determine the best course of action.

We do have 2 kids ages 7 and 5. I am the
primary care giver. I get them up, give them
breakfast, take them to school, pick them up,
feed them supper, give them a bath and put
them to bed. I am the one that stays up when
they are sick. I am the one that watches them
when the W when out with "Friends".

How difficult is it for a man to get primary
custody? I do not want to remove the kids mother
from there lives but I know they would just
get in her way on on her nerves. She has
very little patience with them and I am primary
to solving their fights.

What questions should I ask about legal
seperation, divorce, joint custody or child
support?

What details if any of the affairs should
be brought into the filing?

I am not ready to file just yet but I want to
develop a plan now while my emtions are level
so I can make an educated decision about my
options.

Part of my wants to work on the marriage but
my W has serious issues and refuses MC at this
time. We also have not been intimate in weeks.

To me divorce is the last option but it is
begining to look like it may be the only one
I will have left.

You help is appreciated.

I'm man who divorced his first W [multiple affair XWW] and got custody of his daughters. In my situation I had evidence of child endangerment and abandonment from my XWW that the court took very seriously and I beleive was the main reason why I got physical custody of my daughters to begin with. So my answer to you is that it depends on whether you have evidence of her being a negligent parent that you can submit to the court. If you do and the court accepts it, then your chances are pretty good of obtaining physical custody of your kids.

I'm glad that you are viewing divorce as a last resort for ,speaking as one who has gone through it, it isn't the panacea its cracked up to be. The last thing you want to do is get divorced with plenty of love left for your WW and later on be haunted by seconds thoughts as to the wisdom of your decision to divorce.

I wish you good luck.

You might have a good chance of getting primary custody if you are the primary care giver. My attorney did an excellent job of proving WxW had issues with honesty and fidelity but the judge still awarded her custody with the reasoning that she had been the primary care giver. That was after my youngest son sat in his mothers lap and told the attorney ad litem (appointed by the court to represent the children) that he wanted to live with me and my oldest took the stand and told the judge that he wants to live with me. If I could do it over again I would hire a different attorney. Mine is supposed to be the smartest one around, I wish I had the most evil one.

Many states are moving toward 50/50 custody, and most still name the mother as Parent of primary residence (PPR). If you can remain in the same house/school district this will benefit your attempts at PPR. Ask your lawyer how your state is considering this. Sex of the children is also an issue, if they are boys you may have a greater chance.
Her affairs won't matter in court, and you'll likely have no proof that you did most of the parenting. Get a very good lawyer, and a very good counselor to help you through this time.
My X did very little parenting and still got more time that I believe he deserved. And if it weren't for his parents, he couldn't handlethis much.
Be realistic about how much time you can handle with your children. Adult time is important too.

I had a consultation - which lasted about 1 1/2 hours - the attorney told me basically how the laws work in my state. That's where you need to start..Let the attorney tell you how things work - take notes so you can refer back it's alot to absorb especially when you are an emotional wreck.

Ask them how you go about getting primary custody - they can tell you what you need to prove. I'd start documentating the amount of daily care (hrs) that you are caring for them alone - also how much time she cares/spends with them.

If you aren't happy with the first appt. feel free to keep looking for the "right" attorney.

I'm not ready to file yet either - but, knowing where you stand is important. You never know when she may decide to file - they life to keep us guessing...I haven't a clue if my WH has even been to see an attorney yet - I know he did call one. But, I think he believe I'll take his S#$% forever...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by newly:
<strong> Many states are moving toward 50/50 custody, and most still name the mother
as Parent of primary residence (PPR). If you can remain in the same
house/school district this will benefit your attempts at PPR. Ask your lawyer
how your state is considering this. Sex of the children is also an issue, if
they are boys you may have a greater chance.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not looking for sole custody. To be honest I am don't want a divorce at all.
My only concern is that my W can barely take care of herself let alone deal with
the kids. Even like this morning, she ask me to wake her at 6:30am. I started
at 6:15am. I had to keep coming to her every 5 to 10 mins trying to get her
up. She finally did get up at 7:30am. She always waits until she will
have just enough time to get herself ready and is usually late.

In the mean time, I had to get the kids up, feed them, pack the lunches,
feed and water the 2 dogs and 3 cats.

She has no patience for anything that does not go her way and the kids are
well kids. I was on the phone with my mother the other night and she
heard my W call my 5 year old an A**hole because he would not go to bed.

I would want her to spend time with the children. They need her. But I don't know
if she is up to the daily hassles of raising two active boys herself.

As I just mentioned we have two sons, ages 7 and 5.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by newly:
<strong>
Be realistic about how much time you can handle with your children. Adult time
is important too. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand this one all too well. Having been pretty much left to raise the
kids alone for most of our marriage, I understand the stress and frustrations.
I would want time without the children so I can eventually date and have
intimate time. I love my children and I would do anything for them and I don't
mind taking care of them. In fact I am proud of how much I do for them and how
they come to me when they are sick or hurt.

I am not sure how much it would play into it but if anyone asked my kids
who does everything for them, they would answer dad.

My oldest son calls his mother lazy and asked her why she never makes
breakfast for him even when she is awake in time.

I will say in many ways her behavior towards the children has changed
she I exposed her affairs. She is making almost every effort to spend
more time with kids and actually interact with them. The kids have
really responded to it.

I do not want to use the kids a pawn in the war between us but at the same time
I have to make sure they are protected and getting what they need as well.

I did have a long conversion with the lawyer and
explained my situation.

It seems my state is an "at Fault" state.

Her actions would place her at fault in the
divorce and would negetively affect her chances
in terms of child custody and division of
marrital assets.

He thought I would be very likely I would be
given primary custody if not sole custody.
He also said I would most likely be given the
house. Because I imcomes were simular and
both jobs existed prior to marriage that
he did not think there would be any alimony.

I do not want a divorce but now it looks like
I have a powerful bargining chip. When she
thought about divorce she was thinking she
would get custody, the house and alimony. Now
it looks like it could be none of the above.

On the positive side, we did have a breakthough
in the recovery process and she finally did
show remorse for what she had done to us.