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David A Offline OP
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Hi Folks,
I have my hearing on Friday. My stbxw and I finally cut out the lawyers and talked. It took a month to convince her it was the common sense thing to do. She is not going to fight me to stay in the house and I agreed to split everything with her 50 50 in 4 years when my youngest turns 18. She also agreed to take 50% child support payment for now until I can generate some more income. We are going to share legal and physical custody of the children. No alimony.

Sounds like a dream come true divorce doesn't it ? But I can't be happy about it. The Lord has watched over me and protected me and I am thankful for that.

I still see and feel her pain and suffering and that is destroying me more than my own feelings. I believe she has had a brekup with her boy friend and that is adding to the mess. All this just one week before our divorce. She continues to tell me she is a bad person and no good for me. I don't think these events will change her mind on the divorce.

As part of the divorce I have agreed to let her stay in the house as long as she needs to find an apartment and get it furnished and get settled. She told my son she could even be here 6 more months ? I didn't quite follow the reason behind that statement.

I am still in an intense plan A of sorts. I have been since this all started. She has commented many times she has noticed the changes. But there hasn't been a change of heart on her part. She is baffled by my behavior and can't understand why I am being so kind and loving towards her. It's not even a plan A anymore... It's me. It's how I am now. The only time I get upset is if one my immediate family swears at one of us. I can't stand the disrespect that's connected with the language and how it's used.

I am in terrible pain and hurt. I cry often the closer this all draws near. I know I am my own worst enemy in my pain but my gut tells me to keep fighting even though I am going through with the divorce.

She needs to be divorced. To experience life on her own and discover who and what she is. I know I must let her go to do that and have the Faith, Hope and Love that someday she will come back to me a better person for her journey.

This is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. It has taken parts of mind, heart and soul that I feel I will never get back. Sometimes you have to let go of the people you love and pray they will find their way through their fog and come back. I will be here waiting.......

God Bless us and help us all !

David A

<small>[ September 20, 2004, 04:41 PM: Message edited by: David A ]</small>

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Hi David A.

Please accept my prayers. I am very, very sorry that situation is so dreadful. I have been away for some time. And deeply saddened to read of your news.

Being at this station is so horrible as many of here know what you must be feeling. It hurts so very much.

Why don't you bring your post over to HighFlight accountability thread, join us where we can comfort, pray for you& your wife and support you more fully as you so need at this time.

Tis now the time to be surrounded by prayers. You will come out the other side belive or not.

May His comfort be felt at this moment for you.

Blessings

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Hi David A,

It's Friday and I haven't forgotten this dreadful day and all it re-presents.

Especially wanted to let you know that I am thinking& praying for you and your wife today.

I am praying that all the good and wonderful memories you both had together will surface. Especially for your wife sake.

I only know too, well what this sad day feels like, it's very painful ooze. And it's "OK" to feel the saddness and sorrow.

May our Lord guidingly and loving hand be with you both, over this archway and passage of fractured loss.

HE will lead us through this valley of sorrows to greener pastures at some point but for now the storm clouds gather.

Shattering moments like this it can be difficult to know- He is with us with every breath and heartbeat of the way.

Though it feels like our hearts are going to explode out of our chests or melt right into the interior walls of the laywers office.

I found it helpful to deeply breathe alot and breathe somemore, then somemore.

Hang in and hang on--be sure to let us all know how things went as so many of us here do care! Though many of us our missing in action for the moment, fighting the battles, putting out fires, tending children tears, wiping noses, lost in deep survival mode.

And some of us still trying to re-collect our senses, retrieve our minds and some still in state of shell shock. Many of us here at MB are with you in spirit and desire all good things for you.

May HIS grace and peace be with you and deeply felt!

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David A Offline OP
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Hi Sky Diver,
You truley are a Saint to think of me today. Please bear with me as this will be a long post.

I will start with Thursday night. She dropped a bomb by telling me she was going to change her name back to her maiden name. Said she had talked to the kids and it didn't bother them. Ya right like they are going to be able to communicate their feelings about something like that.

I asked her what had brought about this decesion and her reply was I do mind you asking and I won't discuss it with you.

I was in a very emotional state to start with and this was a little to much for me to handle at that point in time. I packed a bag and told her and the kids I couldn't stay at home and would spend the night at my fathers and left.

When I have deep emotional trauma going on in my life I go to the cemetary to my Mother and Grandmothers grave to think, pray, cry etc.

As I was sitting there in the dark with the moonlight over head I prayed. As the moonlight slowly crept across the sky the shadow being cast by a red maple tree at the grave site slowly crept away as the moon moved higher and illuminated my mothers grave stone. At that point I was compelled to rise to my feet and heard I must be strong. Stand tall and proud and take this like a man and go back and try to tell my feelings and thoughts to her.

I did just that. She was irritated that I left and played cat and mouse with me for a while before she would talk to me. I did say my peace but I'm afraid it was of no meaning to her. She had zoned out and was merely sitting there in the dark staring into space.

She said very little to me the next morning and chose to put on a mp3 music headset and busy herself in getting her clothes ready for court. Before I left I asked her if she wanted to say anything. A resounding NO was the answer.

I arrived at court first and waited for everyone else. She arrived next and I was in a waiting area pretty much alone. She walked up to me on the verge of tears and held her arms out to me and we hugged for a long time. I started crying a little then regained control again. She told me how sorry she was for causing me such pain and that I would always be in her heart.

Her attorney came along and took us to the right waiting area, ( we were in the criminal section ) he then produced 3 copies of the agreement that we had drawn up and asked us to review them for accuracy. My attorney showed up and everything was signed and notarized.

We waited for some time as the judge was late. We then sat in the courtroom for another half hour. While we were sitting there, ( together ), she took my hand and said to me that I will be better off without her. I told her I didn't agree.

When the judge arrived all 4 of us went into the inner area and stood in front of the tables while the judge reviewed our agreement and asked us questions about it. It was all over in less than 10 minutes. Divorce granted, final in 90 days, X can start using her maiden name today.

As we left the courtroom my attorney made his parting speech and said "I'll walk you out". My X was standing on the side waiting for her attorney and I said hold on I have to talk to her. He said I advise you not to. I ignored him and went and talked to her. Just about plans for the rest of the day and we hugged goodbye. My attorney was miffed I didn't take his advice saying it's not normal for couples to talk fresh out of the coutroom. All I said was we aren't a normal couple and we didn't have a normal divorce did we ?

More on the rest of the day later..

God Bless,

David A

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Balloons of hugs,David A.

That was our precious Lord at work to intercept and put your sad day on my heart to pray. Don't worry about posting a long post, write as much as you need to.

The account of court was so very moving and applaud you in efforts to be strong and compassionate. That's tremendous strength!

As I have been reading along I have been just weeping and deeply can feel the pain for you and your wife.

Please know that I have never perceived you to be weak but very honorable and deeply in love with your wife.

It's takes incredible amounts of supernatural strength to endure what your wife has put you through in your face 24/7 while living in the same house. It is almost like they are expressing their mental illness and inner torment.

You know I have not wept for a very long time and not even for my own divorce in June. Numb, frozen. I was very deeply moved and reconnected to my own pain I refused my self to feel.

The name change game. Oh they do what ever they can to locate every trigger in your heart to provoke reaction.

Please accept my deepest sympathy as the double loss here represents so much.

The loss of your mother--I am extremely sorry by her loss for you. I imagined how it would be for my children during their journey to pass on and not be there for them.

Your description at the cemetry was absolutely moving beyond words. I could feel every moment, the depth of encounter. Your quite the writer!

I found myself getting God bumps and tears just welling up. The cemetry is an especially special place to me of profound comfort and peace, as I worked at one for two years.

I could just feel that saddeness and can't imagine how much that would hurt not to have your mother comfort for you. You must miss her very much. Adding this loss of your wife to very serious emotional problems is also so deeply traumatic.

I was so deeply moved and so happy that her heart softened to embrace you one more time. That brought warm rays of joy and more tears to my heart, which also reveals just how lost and confused she really is.

Her hugging you in that moment and time. Imho makes me feel she was in her true self and right mind at the moment and deep down loves you. But just too severly emotionally damaged beyond words. I belive there will quite a fall for her yet to come of deep anguish and regret.

Wonderful you followed your heart and convictions in over riding your lawyer advice. I know he probably wanted to spare you of further pain but love and marriage is a mysterious voyage that no one truly understands but God. Closure has myriad expression.

I am sure that you must feel quite low at this moment and in quite a bit of emotional shock and deeply wounded. Does it feel surreal?

I hope that you can just rest and lay low in your house. Get out that bathrobe, put on dark sunglasses if your must, do some mopeing, order in pizza if the occasion warrants, let your self to relax and be sad. Let the tapes of the journey and union play on. Honor the memories, honor your love, the battle scars and wounds.

You have been hurt very deeply and hope you will give your self permission to grieve.

I will pray for the both of you- May our God of comfort wrap you in his loving arms as you are his dearly beloved son, deeply wanted, and worthy of His Love, care and compassion.

Thankyou, so much for your enduring love for your wife as for many of us here that means so much! Rejection is never pleasant and unrequitted love is most cruel human experince we encounter that strikes like no other.

Sadly, it seems we must all experince some form at some point in our lives. It appears this is how God must feel with all of us humans that rejected His divine love, grace. He has almost a good portion of the planet that ignores, rejects and hostile to Him in one way or another.

We get a small taste into the broken heart of our GOD! Ouch doesn't it hurt.......

He did promise us that he would give us a new heart of flesh and a new spirit. I am now beginning to understand why we need one. Our scars interwine with His. We really belong to HIM!

Take good care my brother, and I will be checking in on you. It is finnished! He has been faithful and true inspite ourselves and he will see us through! You can be a peace that you have foremost honored your vow to God and your wife. This is a tremendous victory.

I will pray that you will be released from the agony and pain.

Rest, rest, rest and allow our blessed Holy Spirit to minister to your broken spirit and wounds. We are all here for you and yes your wife. Who knows what could happen!

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David A Offline OP
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Hi again,
Let's see I will try to take this in order so as not to confuse the time line. After I left the court house I couldn't make up my mind what I wanted to do. So I went home. Back a week ago or 2 there was a thread on the marriage bed and how you felt about sleeping in it after the divorce and other visitations. I had originaly told my x she could have the bed and then I went back on my word and decided to keep it after reading the posts. On the way home I decided I needed a symbolic act to mark the occasion so I decided to let her have the bed.

She had been sleeping in the basement bedroom all this time on an air mattress. ( I figured she would have gotten herself a regular mattress by now ) I was so numb and strong all at the same time I dismantled our queen size cannon ball bed and moved it mattress and all to the basement all by myself.

I washed the bedspread and sheets. I called my Dad and he had a double cannon ball bed that used to be his and my mothers and he let me have it along with all the linens to go with it. I borrowed his van and moved it back to the house. The X called in the middle of me unloading and said she was on the way home. I told her what I was up to and it upset her a great deal and she started crying. I told her it wasn't out of hate or spite I was doing this, that I was keping my word to let her have the bed.

When I arrived back home after returning my Dad's van she was sitting at the kitchen table putting money in envelopes for the kids activities and crying. She was realizing that this wasn't her house anymore.

We have had many strange encounters over the last 2 days. My older son was in the burnout competition at a local car show last night and I was taking my younger son and his friend after they went to church with my x. My daughter was going with her friend. So 3 of my 4 kids would be there and I invited the X to have pizza with us and go to the show.

Now here is where I am having a difficult time understanding what is going on in her mind. She wouldn't go with us because according to her this isn't how a divorced couple should act or what they should do. That us doing things together gives the children a false sense of hope that we are getting back together.

Now mind you her response wasn't I can't stand to be around you and don't want to spend any time with you. She said, "This is the way things are supposed to be". Sorry folks but if you haven't guessed by now I don't do things the way everyone else does just because it's the status quo.

Then later she brings up again that she is no good for me and I'm better off without her. Well right about then I got a little peturbed and spoke very sternly and assuredly.

I told her it wasn't up to her to decide what was good for me or not. That I had a very clear path outlined for me and there was no question in my mind what God has intended for me to do. She had been lamenting over her inability to make peace with God and with herself over her behavior. She also has no self esteem or self respect. She knows she needs help. The next step is for her to actually get it and be honest and truthfull with her counselor.

This is going to be a long process and I know it. Am I crazy for hanging on even though I have let go and let the divorce happen. Maybe I'm more of a nut then her ;-) But I don't think so. For now my path is clear and if God's will is that I should stand by my sick X I will. I am not going out looking for another woman to take her place. God's will be done.

If I couldn't feel and see the love she has for me peeking throught the fog every now and then I would be long gone. I wouldn't be mean and nasty or anything but I wouldn't be putting myself through this.

A civil divorce is a piece of paper. It doesn't change the past, it doesn't change the fact that we share a family and all that entails. We were married in the Catholic church even though I am Protestant. I had to have my previous marriage annuled so that she could continue to practice her faith. According to her priest marriage is a sacrament and according to him that even though we are divorced civily that in the eyes of the church and God we are still married.

She had spoken of an annulment months ago but hasn't mentioned it recently. I'm sure she will rush into that like she has everything else.

She took off this afternoon telling me and the kids she was going to look for apartments. ( with a beach towel and a bathing suit under her arm.....

Gotta go. We should talk sometime if you feel comfortable doing so.....

David A.

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I am sorry for the pain you are going through...and admire your faithfulness to what you believe in..

When you talked about your attorney not wanting you to have contact with your wife after the divorce hearing...I can remember a similar conversation the day of my divorce. My xWS and I hugged when we got to court...sat by each other..in court...and walked out together to discuss how we were feeling after the divorce hearing...I'm sure some would think I was nuts. Afterall, my husband had cheated on me with a 21 year old (we were 47 yrs old,) who got pregnant and had his child one month before our divorce was finalized, and was living with her. But he had been my friend...my lover...for 10 years...and was a good man in many ways. Many attorneys don't "get" cooperation and caring...But as you stated...we weren't the "normal" couple...And I'm proud of it!

<small>[ September 26, 2004, 08:56 PM: Message edited by: heartfailure ]</small>

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Hi Heart Failure,
Me too ! Proud of it. I always have marched to the beat of a different drummer. Don't get me wrong there are times I have anger and I try to vent it in other ways instead of the person I am angry at.

I have an analogy I tell my kids. Think of an argument or dissagreement as a small fire. You can put water on it and put it out ( talk calmly, quietly and rationly ) or you can put gas on it ( yell, holler, swear, be disrespectful ) and have on heck of a fire that will take a long time to put out. Needless to say I use alot of water around here. So much so I have earned the nickname goody tooshues Jesus freak counselor. I suppose there are worse things I could be called.

Tell me how long has it been since your divorce and this happened for you ? How long has this behavior been able to continue on your part and on your X's part ? As you can see by my previous post she doesn't seem to be able to maintain this behavior or attitude. Instead she chooses to say that she should act the way a divorced couple should act... Is there a rule book on divorced couple behavior I missed somewhere ? ;-)

Kids have counseling at 5 gotta run.

David A

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Hi David A.,
Actually I have been divorced twice...and neither post-divorce relationship has been what people would call "typical divorce" behavior.

I share two sons with my first ex-husband. They were 11 and 8 at the time of our divorce. I initially went to an attorney, but then asked my ex if he would consider a divorce mediator. I told him that I wanted to minimize any damage to ourselves and our children...that our grief would come from the actual loss in the divorce..not the bickering and anger due to the divorce process.
Now the difference from your situation is that i wanted the divorce. We had been in marital counseling for a year..with no changes on my ex's part. My original attorney refused to do the finalization paperwork on the divorce.."because I don't believe in mediation...and you're going to be sorry you didn't go for more". I'm not sorry. After the divorce...we had the first few birthdays..confirmations...together with the extended families on both sides. We would attend parent-teacher conferences together. We'd meet at a restaurant to discuss how our custody arrangements were working for the boys, and if any changes were needed. We had their open houses for their high school graduations together. Last week, we went together to take our oldest son to the airport to fly out to England for the semester. I still chat with his family members, whenever we see each other at various events. I kept that married name because that's the name our sons carried..and I didn't want them to feel any further alienation of any kind at that point. People have commented that I should write a book about our divorce and custody experiences because they have been so different from the "norm".

My second marriage..no children together..but good relationship with his two children from a previous marriage. Their mother and i would talk freely with each other, sharing any concerns which involved the children. This is the marriage I was referring to in my previous entry. We worked on reconciliation for a year after the divorce, but he wouldn't leave the other woman in the end.(he said it was because he wasn't sure she would take adequate care of their baby if he wasn't around. The baby was born with Down Syndrome.) I broke off all contact...until I got a call from his daughter, that he had been in a terrible motorcycle accident and they didn't know if he would survive..and she wanted me to come to the hospital if I could. I went to the hospital..the OW was there...his first ex wife..and me! I left when I found out about the OW there, but came to the hospital when he called me asking me to come a few weeks later. He was in the hospital for a month. During that time, I changed his blood stained bed sheets that the hospital let go overnight...I made special foods for him to try and get him to eat more...I gave him some light massages (i have training as a massage therapist)to ease his headaches and pain..I helped clean up his vomit..and redress him..when he puked... Some would say this was co-dependent, or not normal...but as you noted...this was "me". I am a caring individual who recognizes that we do the best we can in life. (not that i haven't been furious over what he did, at times!) We still talk on the phone about every three weeks..he comes over to visit sometimes...even though I know that we will never be back together..nor do I want to be back together with him anymore. So "normal" divorce behaviors??? Obviously not, but my life is much more serene and whole because of it.

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Hi David A.

Sorry but I have been caught up in several whirlwinds, with kids moving in/ out of my house and my daughter is getting married next weekend. Things were kind of hectic.

I am pleased to hear that you are holding the line. When I contacted Steve Harley in Aug due to the fact my xh wrote a devastating outrageous email titled "Our Relationship" to my children basically introducing his lastest girlfriend and young daughter and forcing thier acceptance upon them. He cc the private email too his warped depraved significant other, depraved brothers.

Make a very long upsetting situation short. It's so complicated to hold all the pain inside, when they continue to up the ante to gain reactions. Absurdity takes on a whole new meaning. They are simply ill.

Dr. Harley reviewed xh insane letter, which we know he didn't write but his counterpart.

Viewed him as complete hypocrite, disrespectful to our kids as the content of letter from him was basically rejecting our kids and placing ultimatums that our kids accept his latest conquest and her daughter.

Sheer delusions on his part going on and on what a wonderful father he was to our children. My daughter responded to his delusional letter with hard reality of truth which didn't even register.

Sadly, He is so far gone he believes his own lies proudly. His lies, delusions and illusions are so firmly woven in his head that it holds up the infrastructure of who he is. Sadly, He's so sick...

However, the most important piece of well thought advice Dr. Harley assigned to me was to continue as I have for the past several years to continue to model MORAL ABSOLUTES for the sake of our kids. To continue to pray for him, but clearly I am never to have contact with him again. He's sadly to sick and extremely dangerous to ever be in the company of my presense.

Our kids need a safe harbor and shore line to hold on to, as God molds and uses us to become HIS rocks that our kids can anchor their minds and hearts.

The bed issue is a crazy one, struck a cord with me as my xh took my daughter vechile, that he used for his sexapades and then when he got his brother playboy house, cried, whined to have my daughter bed which my mother had bought her. I had bought her a new one for her graduation.

I had to be almost like a dad role figure in demanding to retrieve my daughter vechile, but gave him the bed shook my head.

Organized and packed all his belongings, furniture. He really was capable of purchasing new stuff. But like a small out of control child wanted to test the limits and find ways to come home.

Sadly the only way he can learn boundries, and REALITY---the key concept here and consequences of his own doings for being so out of touch with reality.

Home and family for him no longer exist.

Point being one would think if one is going to do the adultery thing one would have no need to cling to items of the home, family. Clean break would seem a logical course.

However, since they lack interior logic, doses of reality do wave in. Think the motive deep down inside, is to hang on thin threads of normal nerve pathways into their hearts, as to what they once knew was normal, good, and healthy.

As I was cleaning up my son room, and thumbing through his photo album last night. I came across as photo of my xh taken in our yard, with our dog as I looked closely at the photo.

I saw the man I once loved dearly eyes were eyes looking back who was at a stage of his life, healthy, normal, good and loving. I cried as that man that once was there was no longer there.

Sadly, a foreign occupant resides in him now. We weep and mourn, wondering where ever did our lost loved ones go? Too behold a loved one unravel before one's eyes is so shocking, cruel and painful.

Your doing a wonderful job! Hang on as you are and yes if you need to share some more you can contact me at my personal email.

It sounds like your xw really needed a really good medical doctor to get down to the core of her core problems. It makes such a difference. It could be that she has serious genetic burdens unknown that could playing havoc with her faculties. Sound spiritual and emotional health is so important.

Our kids are not mature or equipped to handle these types of complexities as look what the impact and devasation has done to so many of us on the board.

I live up in here in Canada. So by all means you can contact me at

Natalie_May9@hotmail.com

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