Hi! I just wanted to share a bit of personal experience with you. (You might even be surprised...I never mentioned this on my current thread since it has no relevance whatsoever. I hope you understand.) And, I apologize if it bores you too. Its just a bit about a husband and wife losing touch with one another.<p>Long, long ago I also took those vows to "love, honor and cherish". We were married for 10 years (no children). On the surface, we were the perfect couple; in love and happy. There were no affairs or other people involved for either of us. So, no one (even family) had a clue that we had a serious problem.<p>In spite of everything, we lacked one of the most essential ingredients to a marriage....the ability to discuss our problems. Oh, I had no problem talking to him, but he withdrew when it came time to face a difficult situation. His attitude was to "sweep problems under the rug and they'll disappear." Well, what happened is proof that it doesn't work that way...problems snowball and get bigger when they are not dealt with.<p>I tried so hard to help him see that. Each time I tried to dsicuss an issue, it was like running into a brick wall. He usually told me, "if you have a problem with the marriage, get counseling...I have no problem, so forget it."<p>At one point, I did have IC, but it wasn't much help without his cooperation. In order to salvage our marriage, he HAD to become involved.
(I'm not saying everything was his fault; I'm not perfect by any means...no one is.)<p>After a time, we began to drift further and further apart. (I'm familiar with that "roommate" feeling, believe me!) <p>Well, finally after 10 years of trying my best and getting no where from hitting those brick walls, I was totally exhausted. (If children were involved, I never would have made the decision I did.) <p>Sometimes I wonder if I could have tried even harder to make things work. (But trying for 10 years is a long time....) My family has never agreed with the choice I made, and I've dealt with that. After seeing this site, I wish MB and HNHN would have been around; maybe the questionnaires and SH could have helped us out.<p>Anyway, you may wonder what the point is....When you mentioned having that "direct conversation with your wife and she was withdrawn", it brought this to mind. I truly hope the two of you never lose the ability to discuss important issues. I also hope she realizes that she needs to be actively involved in making the marriage work (one person can't do it alone). <p>As you know, I'm familiar with the pain she is dealing with in losing someone who meant alot to her. But she is not alone. She has got a supportive husband willing to do whatever it takes to help her. That should mean alot.<p>Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic, but I've always believed that marriage takes 2 people with love, compassion, and a great deal of strength. It isn't always easy, but it is worth every bit of the hard work and effort that might be necessary, when things get rough. (If children are involved, it is even MORE worth it!)<p>I hope this makes some sense and you aren't upset with me for sharing it with you. Take care!

Thanks for sharing your story DJ. Too bad marriage doesn't come with an instruction booklet. I sure wished someone had given me the HNHN book before I got married. It is hard though if only one is doing the plan. <p>Now that you have learned a few things since your first M, I hope you take the time to prepare yourself for your next relationship. I think if I were in your position I would make sure the right person also cared enough to practice MB concepts.<p>Today was a better day. We went to a park and rode the bikes. Unfortunately only my S and I rode, and my W walked by herself. We did go out for dinner afterwords and I think I see changes happening. She did read my thread finally and I think she see's that I'm doing something and that I care.<p>Hope you had a good weekend. Thanks again for sharing your story.
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

W2FI,<p>I don't know if you'll even read this, but just in case you do...<p>Sometimes I wish life would come with that instruction booklet too! The choices we make aren't always the right ones (and I seem to be an expert in picking the wrong ones!).<p>Too bad HNHN isn't required reading before a marriage. It would show couples that marriage is work, and both people need to be willing to do their part. There's no knight in shining armor riding that white horse, or a house with a picket fence where everyone lives happily ever after....<p>In the future, it would be nice to find someone who cared to practice those MB concepts.....but, who knows if that person even exists!!! For now, I'm still trying to heal and get by day by day.<p>Take care!

dj,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Sometimes I wish life would come with that instruction booklet too! The choices we make aren't always the right ones <hr></blockquote><p>Isn't that the truth! Well you are doing great and you are right we all have to take things one day at a time. Tomorrow is a new and better day [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by djmusicbox:
<strong>Hi! I just wanted to share a bit of personal experience with you. (You might even be surprised...I never mentioned this on my current thread since it has no relevance whatsoever. I hope you understand.) And, I apologize if it bores you too. Its just a bit about a husband and wife losing touch with one another.<p>Long, long ago I also took those vows to "love, honor and cherish". We were married for 10 years (no children). On the surface, we were the perfect couple; in love and happy. There were no affairs or other people involved for either of us. So, no one (even family) had a clue that we had a serious problem.<p>In spite of everything, we lacked one of the most essential ingredients to a marriage....the ability to discuss our problems. Oh, I had no problem talking to him, but he withdrew when it came time to face a difficult situation. His attitude was to "sweep problems under the rug and they'll disappear." Well, what happened is proof that it doesn't work that way...problems snowball and get bigger when they are not dealt with.<p>I tried so hard to help him see that. Each time I tried to dsicuss an issue, it was like running into a brick wall. He usually told me, "if you have a problem with the marriage, get counseling...I have no problem, so forget it."<p>At one point, I did have IC, but it wasn't much help without his cooperation. In order to salvage our marriage, he HAD to become involved.
(I'm not saying everything was his fault; I'm not perfect by any means...no one is.)<p>After a time, we began to drift further and further apart. (I'm familiar with that "roommate" feeling, believe me!) <p>Well, finally after 10 years of trying my best and getting no where from hitting those brick walls, I was totally exhausted. (If children were involved, I never would have made the decision I did.) <p>Sometimes I wonder if I could have tried even harder to make things work. (But trying for 10 years is a long time....) My family has never agreed with the choice I made, and I've dealt with that. After seeing this site, I wish MB and HNHN would have been around; maybe the questionnaires and SH could have helped us out.<p>Anyway, you may wonder what the point is....When you mentioned having that "direct conversation with your wife and she was withdrawn", it brought this to mind. I truly hope the two of you never lose the ability to discuss important issues. I also hope she realizes that she needs to be actively involved in making the marriage work (one person can't do it alone). <p>As you know, I'm familiar with the pain she is dealing with in losing someone who meant alot to her. But she is not alone. She has got a supportive husband willing to do whatever it takes to help her. That should mean alot.<p>Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic, but I've always believed that marriage takes 2 people with love, compassion, and a great deal of strength. It isn't always easy, but it is worth every bit of the hard work and effort that might be necessary, when things get rough. (If children are involved, it is even MORE worth it!)<p>I hope this makes some sense and you aren't upset with me for sharing it with you. Take care!</strong><hr></blockquote>

Hi,<p>I'm completely new to this site and it is full of great info. I am in the same boat you were. Married 12 years, but with 2 kids and a life of emptiness between us. I am in counseling, told to read HNHN. Gave it to hubby to read, who believes in sweeping everything unpleasant under the rug. Can't even initiate discussion about any problem. Well, after 12 years there are many problems, including EA on his part several years ago. He refuses counseling, hasn't read the book or done the questionnaire. Any ideas about how to get him to agree to counseling or read the book? I'm losing hope fast, going to see the priest this week for info. on what to do from here. It seems so hopeless since he won't even budge a tiny bit. Wished I would have read HNHN before marriage. I'm going to give it to my kids that's for sure.

Hi Las08,<p>Welcome to MB! I completely understand your frustration in dealing with an uncooperative spouse. I've been down that road and know how difficult it is to try to convince someone that help is needed. I am glad that you had read HNHN and would hope that your husband will eventually do the same. <p>I am fairly new to this site myself. I do know that it is a great place to get advice and support from wonderful, caring people. I would suggest that you post your thread in the Emotional Needs section of the forum. It will get much more exposure there and I'm sure that a great many people will reply, offering you encouragement and advice in dealing with your situation. <p>Don't give up hope just yet...changes will take time. Try to deal with things day by day and know that people here will care about you and will try their best to help.

Thanks djmusicbox. I will post under emotional needs and see what suggestions people give. What amazes me is how many people have to deal with unfulfilling marriages. Gee whiz....the stuff in movies and romance novels is truly fiction. No one prepared me for the hard work marriage involves just to stay married, much less happily married. THanks for the hope.