Hello everyone. I am a new member and this is my first post on the forum, so feel free to give me any feeback. Let me start by saying that I am in the divorce "process" which means we are filed and our house is for sale. A brief synopsis of my situation and then my question. I had an affair approximately 6 months ago and she took me back, but I never completely gave up on the other woman until about 2 months ago. So, eventually about 3 weeks ago, after her hounding me for months about a divorce, I finally told her I wanted one. That was on a Tuesday. We were scheduled to sign the divorce papers the following Monday. So, we signed the papers on Monday and on Wednesday night I found out she was on a date with another guy. In addition, I found out that on Sunday, the day before the papers were filed, she was on a boat with this same guy and some other friends.

We are still separated, but we are trying to work it out through counseling and discussions. She knows the girl that I had my affair with and I've told her everything about it. She will not tell me who this guy is. I think in order for me to get over it and past it I need to know because she has told me she's known him for 12 years which means I most likely know him because we've been together since we were 21, married at 23, and went to middle school together in our teens. We are now 30 and, like I mentioned, trying to get back to where we were 1 year ago. Is it fair?

Short and simple....no! It's not fair. It's not fair that you had an affair. It's not fair that she seems to be having an affair.

But, no one ever said life was fair.

So, what do you really want?

I want to be married. I have repeately told her that over the past month, but she is a different person now. I can tell by the look in her eyes that she's not there anymore. We were suppose to go to marriage counseling together, but, for insurance reasons, she had to go by herself last night. So, I figured she would set up an appointment in the next week or so for both of us to go. Instead, she is going alone again in 2 weeks because she "needs to figure out what is wrong with her". I said that if we are going to get back to where we were 2 years ago we'll have to do it together and not separate. She said she just needs time. I'm trying my hardest to give it to her, but it's difficult because she shows no emotion towards me.

Hi there...I've been reading and reading these boards for 2 weeks, and this is my 1st reply to a post..I left my husband 3 weeks ago, he cheated on me, and nothing nothing nothing was so painful as finding out your husband was with another woman! I spent the last 14 months continuing to try to "get over it" Dr. Phil says "if you can't get over it, get out." We actually did pretty well for awhile, but then he started comimg in at 2am 5am and 6am in the morning..he swears he slept on friends couches...pleeeese...I love this man very much, and I am in alot of pain..but I just couldnt do it anymore, I took the kids, and moved into my own apt. He was devastated! and shocked that I had finally had it. I've read over and over on these boards to keep the marriage together, at any cost with the exception of abuse, addiction etc. He says over and over, I cant believe you could do this to the kids, that his friends tell him I am crazy for thinking I am protecting our children, that our children need both parents. YES they do.And my guilt for not being able to take it anymore is killing me. Our fights would get VERY heated, yelling..they didnt need that either. Our apartment is very small, but very peaceful, no anxiety about "Dad coming home"
I don't understand how if you are separated, and go on a date, that is "cheating" when we separated last year, he saw many woman, when we got back together, I couldnt use what he did while separated "against him"
Now, for my reason for this post..lol
It kinda feels like your wife may be where I am at. The intense pain of finding out your husband cheated, is so overwhelming. It may be that she just couldnt take it anymore, and had no choice, but to try and move on. I miss my husband very much, and so want to be married to him..it just hurt too much

Oh, dear, you guys need some help....

On the counseling thing, let me give you my little metaphor:

In some ways, a marriage is like a car. It has more than one part. And when one part is not functioning well all the other parts are affected. So, you take the car to the mechanic. The mechanic has to figure out which parts are broken and repair them. If all he does is swap one broken part for another broken part, you get a car that still doesn't run right.

So, your marriage isn't working well and you take it to the counselor. Now, the counselor can not fix the marriage without fixing the parts. Therefore, you have to work on the parts (individuals) before you can work on the car (marriage).

Does that make any sense?

If one partner says they need to figure out what is wrong with them, that could be a good sign. Could be. I didn't say it is. But it is a start.

See, my x would spend his counseling sessions trying to work on what was wrong with me. But he couldn't fix me. I was the only one who could do that. And I really worked on me. Because I was the only person who could actually fix me.

As you can guess, I am a big proponent of counseling. There is a time and a place for individual counseling as well as couples counseling. I believe in both.

Do I think dating while you are separated is a good idea? NO!!! Sort of puts you on the other person's level. What sort of example is that to set for your children.

It is hard for a couple to recover from infidelity. It can be done though. There are people over on The Infidelity board that could give you good guidance on the matter.

And on the emotional needs board, there is a thread at the top of the list that will give you links to good information on this site, recommendations on books that might be helpful, lists of abbreviations that might help you in reading some of the threads.

Keep hanging in there.

Another tough weekend... She says to give her time, but it's getting harder and harder each passing day. All she wants to do is "go out and hangout w/ her girlfriends". There are rumors flying around about her dating someone else and she gets mad at me about them. Why would I want anyone to know that my wife is dating someone else? Two people that are 30 years old, married 6 years and have an 18 month old son should not be going out all the time and hanging with their friends. Also, the final divorce papers need to be signed and she keeps stalling to make an appointment with the lawyer to sign them. I'm going to have to get them from her lawyer and then take them to my lawyer to look over. She's dragging her feet and I can't go on living in misery. I think she's afraid now because all of this is on her shoulders. I've told her that I love her and want to be with her and will do anything to keep our family together, but she doesn't seem remotely interested, so I need to get on with my life. I've known her since I was 13 and I'll love her forever, but neither one of us can live like this. If she wants out she needs to get out. Sorry for the venting...