I have ths thread going on in the main board as well. I want it here as I may get better advice. I'm going to make my posts to both threads. My first three are below.

Where do I begin? My wife left me last night. She told me that it was over, she didn’t love me anymore. She says that she has been carrying the relationship by herself for the past 8 years, and that she couldn’t do it anymore, she had nothing left.

She’s right. But I can’t figure out why she had to leave when I had finally realized what was going on, when I had committed myself to stepping up to the plate and being the Man she deserved and the Father my children deserved.

I think this relationship has been over for a long time. I think it has been done for the past couple years. I gave it my all for the past 8 months, I fought the good fight. I still love her, and now I need to love her enough to let her go.

I haven’t seen her in 3 months, and I hope that will make this somewhat easier. But it’s going to be hard for my boys. They are in Texas, I am in Chicago, and I don’t know how I’m going to do that. But I know I will.

I’m not going to allow myself to think we can get back together. If I do, I will drive myself crazy. I have driven myself crazy over the past 3 months. I think I sensed that she was already gone and I tried everything to bring her back. Now, I need to not contact her for a while, maybe a long time. It may be selfish, but I need to be selfish for a little bit so that I can be strong for my boys later. I will still contact them, but I need to find a way to do it without speaking to Her, I can’t speak to Her right now.

I want to do this the right way. I don’t want this to be ugly. I don’t want her to hate me. I think maybe we got together too young. When we met, she was 18 and I was 20. She will be 28 next week, and I am 30. We grew up together. We clung to each other through everything and now she is gone. Perhaps it’s for the best. Perhaps I need to be alone for a while. I think I do.

I would like to try to work this out, and if she does call, I think I would, at least for now. But I need to not allow myself to think we will get back together, because in my heart, I know this was a long time coming. In fact, I think I have already gone through a lot of the grieving process. I have been numb for a few years, and then I woke up this Spring and started to feel again. I have already tried bargaining with her, I have been angry with her, I have been physically ill for a while, unable to concentrate on anything.

In a way, I’m thankful that I have closure. Now I can start living life for me. I never did live my life for me. I was a 21 year old kid with a wife and a baby. I have always put them first. Right now, I need to put me first. I will never abandon or neglect my Sons, but I need to live for me so that I can be strong for them.

I don’t know when I will start dating, I think it will be soon though. I know a lot of people say not to, but again, this breakup has been coming for a few years. I don’t want anything serious, but I do want to see other women. I’ve never had that. I never lived that part of life. I was faithful from when I met her and have stayed that way for the past 10 years.

Am I hurting? Yes, but it’s not the sharp stomach turning pain that has been going on for a few weeks. It’s more of a numb, gnawing emptiness. I really do think that acceptance is mixing with the pain to create that feeling.

I can’t cry. I feel it start to come, and then it goes away. I know I have a good one coming, and I am actually looking forward to it. Tears cleanse the soul, and I think once I have my big cry, I will be able to get over this.

I have learned a lot, I have grown, I am still growing. I will not let this defeat me. I will not let this scar me. I will let this be a lesson and learn from it, even if it is hard right now.

I will always love her, so I need to love her enough to let her go. I want her to be happy, and if she needs to not be with me to be happy, that’s OK. I fought the Good Fight, I tried, I tried, I tried. She says she cannot love me the way I need her to, and honestly, I don’t want to be with her if she cannot love me. It will be better to accept this and find someone who can. I wish the same for her, that she finds someone who treats her the way I should have this whole time. The way she deserves. She is a Good Woman, I will never find one like her again. I know I will find someone good, but not like her.

Life is beautiful, I can’t forget that. I wont forget that. I had forgotten that for a long time and I became someone I didn’t want to be, now I can see that and change it.

I’m going to stop writing now, the tears are starting to come.

I just spoke to my Brother In Law. He is going to let me use him to get through this. Instead of calling her, I’m going to call him. Instead of begging her, I’m going to beg him. I told him that I will probably end up a wreck, but I need him to be there so that I don’t hurt her.

He says she is confused. He says that she cried all night. He said that she is afraid I will try to take the boys from her. I would never do that. I know the boys are better off with her than with me. I’m going to have him talk to his other sister as well. The problem is that she hates me. She hates me because I was a jerk for so long. So be it, I deserve it. I have nothing to say to defend myself. However, once my wife gets her own place, I want to come and see the boys every couple of months. I’m going to need to stay with her sister to do that. I hope she can put some of her contempt for me away and do that.

My Brother in Law says this might not be over. But I explained that I HAVE to let it be over. She says she can’t give anymore. I finally understand that for a relationship to work, she has to give 100 % and I have to give 100 %. 50 % wont do, and I gave 50 % for years.

I think that I will still move to Texas, but not until I heal. Maybe in a year. My boys would only be 9 and 4 then. Enough time for me to step up and be a good Father, even if it is too late to be a good Husband.

I found God this summer. I’m clinging to my Faith. He has a plan. He wont close a door without opening another. I don’t know if he will re-open another door or re-open this one, but I’m placing my trust in Him. I’m having Faith that there is a lesson here for me to learn yet. He has NOT forsaken me, and he WILL NOT do that.

Pray for me. Pray for my wife. Pray for my sons.

Writing seems to help me. It allows to me to collect my thoughts and it serves as a sort of release for me.

For right now, we are not going to tell my son. But when the time is right, I’m going to need to do that. It’s my job as a Man to take responsibility and handle that even though I know it’s going to kill me. Just thinking about it makes me Ill. I also want to be the one who informs her parents. I asked for he r hand in marriage and made promises to her Father as well. I need to now step up and let him know what has happened. No, I’m not going to do it yet, Juan (my Brother In Law) will let me know when it is time.

I need to sell my house and get an apartment. That will free up more money that I can give her for my boys. I’m going to start next month, but I may only be able to give $ 50.00 - $ 100.00 a month at first. I know it’s not much, and I WILL find a way to get more money to them, but it’s a start. I’m going to keep everyone on my insurance, and I’m going to continue to pay for her cell phone so that I can use it to call my boys. I’m going to ask the cell phone company if they can suppress her call records though. I don’t want to see them. I don’t want to know.

As for me, I think I’m going to take a fight. I do Ultimate Fighting (like in the UFC on Pay-Per-View) and I think taking a fight right now may keep my mind off of things. It will be a good 3-4 hours of hard training a day after work. Get my stamina back, get my six pack back, get some aggression out.

I think that I am going to make it down to San Antonio. The more that I think about it, the more sense it makes to me. Right now I need to stay here and be close to my friends and parents, but eventually I need to be in Texas and be a Father to my sons. I hope none of the Ladies here get offended, but my wife cannot make my boys into Men. Only I can do that, and I WILL do that. There are too many little boys around here. I was one too, but I can honestly say I was better than most even then. I need to teach those boys how to be a man. It is MY responsibility.

I’m not going to worry about career right now. It’s not too important. I will focus on that more when it comes time to move. I do have a Bachelors Degree, so I will be able to do something. Right now, my job pays the bills and that is all I need.

Ladies,
I screwed up my marriage, but I don’t want to screw this up. What advice can you give me on handling this the right way? I don’t want to hurt her anymore. I don’t want her to end up hating me. I need to step up to the plate and do this right.

Please, don’t tell me what I need to do to get her back. I have tried. She does not want to try anymore. She is drained, I am too. Let me be better to her ending this marriage than I was in it. Let me be a source of strength during this and not a source of weakness. I need to be a Rock. I need to do the right thing. I need to be a Man.

Hmmm. I have an idea. Give us her address, and we'll send her these posts.

Special, I think you are being generous to the extreme. If your wife is determined to divorce, you need to get a lawyer. But choose one who is willing to move slooooooowly. Mine moves at a snail's pace.

But a lawyer can protect you from possible pit falls.

I don't like the idea of you paying for her cell phone. But maybe you can get a special cell phone just for the children. They can call you on it, and you call them and that's it.

With speed dial, even a 4 year old can manage to call Dad whenever he feels like it.

I also don't see why you need to be the one to tell her father unless you want to also express your desire to make his little girl the happiest in the world. Besides, your wife is not a child. She's a responsible adult. It's her family in my eyes. Although, if you come from a hispanic background, culture may dictate that it's your responsibility.

I like the idea of working through your Brother in law. That's good.

Let me know how it's going. So far, one thing strikes me more than anything else. You are much more concerned about her than about your own feelings. That is nice to see.

I appreciate the kind words and advice. It's too early to start worrying about legal matters. I'm just stepping up to the plate. I'm going to handle this right from the start. Our cll phone is set up where I got an extra line for $ 10.00/month. That's why I'm going to pay it.

I;m doing the right thing by my wife, but I'm watching out for me as well. I went out to some of my friends Softball Game tonight. Sat by a few girls. I just looked every now and then, that's all I wanted to do really. And I caught a couple looking at me. (I'm a fighter, so I'm in good shape, and I carry myself well) But I was interested. I haven't been interested for a long time. I was faithful to my wife until the end, and if we do end up together again, I'll be faithful again.

But right now I'm going to be a little selfish. I'm not going to hurt anyone, but if I'm up front and it's mutual...

As I've said, I would like for this to work outk but I'm not going to allow myself to think that's an option. That will just slow down the whole grieving process, and I want to get through this as easily as possible. I'm going to embrace this experience and learn what God wants me to from it.

<small>[ September 23, 2004, 11:40 PM: Message edited by: Noonespecial ]</small>

Ah, the tender hearted fighter. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Seriously though, as soon as she gets a lawyer, you need a lawyer. What you do now sets a precedent. So for instance, if you only ask to see the children once a month, you may have a harder time seeing them twice a month.

The money situation too. Although this really depends on how much is at stake. And I can't imagine a lawyer would advise selling the house. That one please don't do without consulting a lawyer.

I'm not sure if you are planning on seeing others or not. Strangely enough, a distraction romance actually slows down the grieving process. And you are extremely vulnerable.

My advise would be look but don't touch. Casually flirt, but don't date. Just my two cents.

When the time comes, I have 2-3 Fraternity Brothers who are lawyers. If none of them do divorce law, they will be able to find somebody.

There are no precedents to set right now. I am in Chicago, they are in Texas. My house has already been on the market since June, so this is not a change of plans; just a change of strategy.

<small>[ September 24, 2004, 08:08 AM: Message edited by: Noonespecial ]</small>

Last night, my cell phone rang. I looked and it was my wife’s number. I picked up the phone and said hello. My oldest son replied, “Hi Daddy.” We talked for a while. He’s doing well in school. He picked up a sixth grade level book from the library. He is only in third grade. He has made some good friends in Texas already, and his little brother is doing well also. I made sure that he continues to step up and help out his mama, and help out with his brother. He needs to do that for me. He understands. He’s a good boy. Oh it’s going to kill me when I have to tell him his Mama and Daddy aren’t going to be together anymore. That’s going to be so hard to do.

I spoke with my Sister in Law as well. I made my peace with her. I told her that no matter what, I never meant to hurt my wife, I never wanted to hurt her. I’m not a bad man, I was immature, I made a lot of mistakes. I’m stepping up and fixing those now, no matter how this ends up. I assured her that I would never take the children from her. We made a promise a long tome ago that we would never do that. We are both good people, we will both put our children’s needs ahead of our own. It’s the right thing to do.

My Sister In Law said the same thing as Juan; give this time. She said she may come back but she may not. She needs time. I can do that. She said that I could contact her as well if I needed to. I told her that I probably would when my break down comes. She’s going to let me stay at her house when I come visit the boys. I think she sees that I’m going to do this the right way, and that I am trying to protect my wife and not hurt her.

I told her that I still love my Baby, but that I need to let her go. I told her that if my Baby starts to question this, to let her know that I’m still here, that I’m still committed. I’m not staying away because I’m angry or because I’m being a [censored], it’s because I don’t want either of us to hurt more than we have to. I also told her not to encourage her to see other people, but if she’s ready, to support her. I told her not to encourage her to come back to me, but if she wants to, to support her. We have 10 years, we have two boys, we have a lot to fight for. My Sister In Law understands and agrees with this.

I hung out with some good friends last night. We talked for a while. They told me that I was always the one they admired as far as relationships. They told me I was a Good Man and they used me as a role model to imitate. That hurt. That hurt so bad. I always tried to do the right thing, I didn’t always succeed, but I always tried. How could I fail at this?

We went out to a softball game, and I sat with some more friends. There were a couple girls there, and I noticed them. I haven’t noticed another woman for a long time. It was something that I pushed out of my head. I was faithful from the time I was twenty until now. Ten years without touching another woman. It felt strange to notice again. It also felt good in a way, to feel that raw passion and desire. It filled up the empty space for a little bit.

I didn’t talk to anyone; I just looked. I was content with that. I noticed a few looking at me as well. That felt good. I did pass by one girl on the bleachers and she was in my way with her back to me. I put my hand on her shoulder and asked her to excuse me. As she turned and looked at me, my hand on her shoulder, I felt an electricity in my hand. Wow! I remember that now. It feels good. It doesn’t feel near as good as the warm familiar comfort of my wife’s touch, I definitely would prefer that. But it lets me know that no matter how this turns out, I’m going to be alright. Something good awaits me on the other side of this trial. I just need to weather the storm for a while.

I’m going to end this post with the prayer I say every morning.

God, grant me the strength to carry out your Will. God grant me the patience to bear your Will. God, grant me the humility to accept your Will.

I think maybe this trail is an answer to that prayer. I think he may be giving me what I asked for with this.

One Special, that was an eloquent post. I'm glad you are optomistic. It will be better on the other side no matter what that other side looks like.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The pain is coming. I can sense it. It’s like a shark, swimming below the surface, and all I can see is a shadow below the waves. I feel the emptiness inside me being filled with pain. I’m going to break, and when I do, it’s going to come hard. I have felt it coming as I read through these posts I write, as I watch this journey unfold.

I wanted to call her so bad a little while ago. I wanted to hear her voice. I wanted to make sure she was Ok. I just wanted to tell her that I loved her and that I am there if she needs me. To tell her hat I will always be there, and that our Love is special. We have something that so many people want, something that so many people see as a light in the darkness. The light is extinguished. It is dark. I’m starting to despair.

I tried to call my Brother-in Law. He didn’t pick up the phone. I left a message. I hope he calls back. I just want to know that she is doing OK and I want to tell him to make sure she knows I am still here.

I’m afraid of the pain now. It will be here soon. Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, sometime this weekend it will come. It’s there and I can’t deny it. I’m afraid when it happens, I may die of a Broken Heart. I am literally afraid of that. I have heard of older people doing that when a long time spouse dies. If it’s possible for someone my age to die like that, I think I may. I love her that deeply.

Oh my Lord Comfort me! Help me through this. I can’t walk anymore. I need you to carry me for just a little while. The tears are in my eyes now, brimming, but still not coming. They are stuck. They wont come. I don’t know if that is a good thing now or a bad thing. The storm will be vicious. My heart is going to break. I can feel it, it’s a matter of time.

I don’t what to do. I feel so weak. I feel so helpless. I don’t know if I can do this, but I know that I must.

Jesus give me strength! Comfort me my God, I’m going to break, I’m going to break. It hurts now. Now the pain is there. It cannot be denied. It’s coming.

I feel you pain as with most of us here. all I can tell you is that, it does get better with time and all of sudden, one day you wake up and realized that you are free.....I'm praying that day will come to you soon....hang in there....I will pray for you.

One Special,
I can't for the life of me, bring myself to call you Noonespecial. Do you write? If not, maybe you should. Your words are powerful and you images solid. The shark image has been done before, but you make it fresh and clean.

Have you written your wife letters? That may work for you if you write like you post. Or try poetry. Normally, I don't recommend sending poetry to lovers/spouses. Too many of us are horrible poets. However, you might be able to write a good love poem. And if not, write out your despair.

That horrible dread of pain, and thinking you could die from it actually reminded me of the two times I spent waiting for the birthing of my children. The bringing forth of new creation is scary and painful for us humans. Yet, creation and death and destruction are all woven together for us.

Maybe you can breed "lilacs out of dead wood" as T.S. Eliot says. Maybe during this trial by fire of heart break, you can create something with your words that will allow you to get through it all.

There are still some days were I know all I can do is to live through it. Christmas night was one. I was all alone that night. I thought I would die. There was no one, no one to call, no one to email or chat with. It was horrible.

I cried. Then I put myself to bed. The next morning was better. I had things to do. And when the morning rays came through the kitchen window, I was thankful to the Creator that I had lived and would live.

<small>[ September 24, 2004, 07:46 PM: Message edited by: greengables ]</small>

Do I dare to hope? Do I dare allow my heart to cry out in joy? My heart is like a wild bird, unjustly caged. It beats it’s wings and smashes itself against the bars. It must free itself, it must break free and soar through the heavens. That is what a bird was made to do, and that is what it must do. My heart was made to dare, and hope, and love, and that is what I must do now. I must hope.

I will be flying down to Texas in two weeks to see my beautiful, beautiful Sons. I will hold them again, and feel their small arms hug me. I will hear their laughter, and see their smiling faces. We will run and play, we will talk, we will sit silently together, comfortable in the pleasant silence that surrounds us. I will bathe them and put them to bed. When they are asleep, I will sneak into their room and silently gaze upon them, their faces like Angels glowing with innocence and love. I’m going to see my boys again!

I am going to see my Wife as well; my dear, dear Wife whom I love so much. She tells me not to expect anything. She tells me that her Love for me has died. I cannot help but hope that there is something there. I cannot help but hope that she will see the change inside of me shining out like a light in the darkness. That she will feel the strength that I have gained from this battle for my Soul.

There is no Love without the possibility of heartbreak, and I will allow that. I will look forward to it. I dare to Love, therefore I must dare to have my heart torn apart. I welcome it.

I thank my God for this opportunity. I have clung to my Faith and depended upon my God through this. He has seen it and rewarded me with this opportunity. I feel Him smiling down upon me, I feel His Hand in this, guiding me. With Him, I can do anything, without Him, I can do nothing. He is with me, and therefore I Dare to Hope! "I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. John 15:5” I come to bear fruit in His name.

I do not know how this will play out, but I will continue to rely upon my faith. I will continue to keep an open heart and learn what God has planned for me. I will embrace my cross, and carry it in silence, never complaining, never faltering. I shall survive. I shall win my Family back!

<small>[ September 27, 2004, 10:53 AM: Message edited by: Noonespecial ]</small>

The Lord works in mysterious ways. I’ve heard that phrase more times than I can remember. I finally understand what it means. I look back at the posts I have written here in my online journal, and I cry as I remember the pain that enveloped me just a week ago. Now, my Heart is singing with Joy! I feel alive, not just living but alive! It as if this pain I have gone through has been the pain of my rebirth.

I have found a way to get to Texas. I have found a way back to my dear Boys. I have found a way back to my wife so that I can begin the monumental task of repairing the damage I have done. I can begin to create a new life for myself, for my Sons, for my Wife.

I still do not know if she will take me back. I do not know how this will work out between us. That’s OK. Let me say that again. That’s OK. I say that because for a long time it wasn’t OK. A year ago, I may have spiraled into a cycle of self-destruction that would have ended in my death. That Man is dead. He does not exist anymore. The Man who went through life inside his head and hid himself from everything is no more. I am Alive! I feel! I hurt, I cry, I sing, I love, I fear, and it is good. I am alive!

God has taught me so much over these past few months. He is still teaching me. I have found my God, and through Him I have found my Soul. My pain is not over. I know that. There is much work yet to do. There will be many dark days ahead of me. But there will also be Day that are filled with Joy and Happiness; and that I did not know.

As strange as it may sound, I thank God for the trial He is putting me through. I am growing, I am changing, I am seeing how good Life can be. I am still afraid, but that’s OK. I do not know what will happen, but that’s OK as well. Place your trust in your God, and allow him to work through you. He will not forsake you. Not even in your darkest hour, for that is when you need Him most.