Hello-<p>I am new to this board and am in need of advice. Almost 4 years ago, I married my best male friend, whom I have known since I was 14 (married at 24). I have to be honest and say that I did have some doubts prior to marriage, but couldn't really explain why. My husband adores me, is highly educated, has a good job - is basically the perfect husband. I feel horrible saying this when I know so many women would like to be treated the way I am, but unfortunately I sometimes wonder if I am more in love with the idea of my husband than the actual person. I am finding myself turning very cold around him, and I am growing increasingly irritated by his affection. When I wake up in the morning or come home from work, I am always in a great mood until he wakes up or comes home as well - then it's like a switch flips and the worst of me comes out. <p>I want so badly to love him and feel passionate about him again, and I can't explain why I don't feel this. But, the fact of the matter is I have been having doubts ever since the wedding, and they seem to grow stronger over time. <p>To add to the problem, my parents just got divorced after a 35 year marriage and suddenly I see how incredibly happy my mom is for leaving my dad. Now I have the idea in my head that maybe I will be happier too if I leave my husband, and don't wait 35 years to do it.<p>It's all very complicated because we have many mutual friends, a home, and 8 years of dating/togetherness behind us. I do think he is a wonderful person - I just don't seem to feel attraction for him, and feel more often irritated with him than in love.<p>Sorry for writing a novel - I just can't talk about this with any of my family or friends and need to get it out in the open somehow.<p>Thanks for any thoughts you might have to share.

Read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this web site. Then, download and take the Emotional Needs Questionaire from the Questionaire's section of this web site. Then, get, and read, "His Needs, Her Needs", for more detail on the topic, or "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, which covers much of the same material from a bit of a different perspective.<p>While you did not give me enough information to be certain, it sounds like your situation is similar to the one my wife was in. She told other people I was the World's Greatest Husband...while she was having an affair. I was treating her well, to the point where other women expressed envy at the way I treated her, BUT I was not meeting her most important emotional needs. She had been brought up to think her feelings were not important, so the fact that she knew I loved her (based on how I treated her) should have been enough, according to her view of the world. But, she did not feel loved, and therefore was not in love with me, either.<p>From what you wrote, it sounds like he is meeting emotional needs that are not important to you. He is probably frustrate that what he is doing is not "getting through", and would be perfectly willing to re-direct his energy in a way that would be more productive. The EN questionaire will identify what is important and what is not.

I also recommend Dr. Phil's "Relationship Rescue" in which he addresses the fact that we misunderstand the difference between infatuation and love. Infatuation is that thing with the explosive fireworks, googly eyes and giggly tummy. And by its very nature is fleeting--kind of a 'will-o'the-wisp' of the emotions.<p>I might also suggest a trip to the doctor (I recommend a psychiatrist since this is their field) to see if perhaps you don't have a chemical imbalance..I know when I'm not taking my meds, I'm very irritable and lash out at my poor husband and just feel generally unhappy.<p>Individual counseling? Not a bad idea, either. <p>You first have to identify what you think is missing before you can fix it. I also suggest reading this website..especially the emotional needs section. <p>Come back and talk to us. We care.

You might also check out the Emotional Needs board here...it gets quite a bit more traffic and more people to help.