Hi all. I was frequenting the Emotional Needs section for a while, but I've graduated into this section as of last night.

My husband of 1 year and 2 months started claiming about a month ago that he wasn't sure if our marriage was a good idea. For the last month my mother-in-law, my mom and myself have worried and fretted over the fact that my husband is bipolar and that this could be an indication of a coming meltdown. I decided I was going to be supportive and got us into counseling two weeks ago. Since he is bipolar, we opted to do separate counseling in hopes that he'd get more undivided attention from the therapist, especially since he's currently not taking any medication.

Anyway, he was clearly depressed and miserable and he blamed himself for entering into a marriage he wasn't ready for. The whole time I was convinced that we could salvage this marriage, because it was pretty solid and I believed we truly loved each other enough to make it work... Well, I was wrong.

Last night the whole story finally came out: He's been feeling like something was missing in our relationship since day one (we met four years ago). He thought that by marrying me, he could force himself to be the man he thought I wanted/needed. But it's never really that complicated... He admitted to me that he's been in contact with an ex-girlfriend for a while now. At first, it was only via email and the occassional phone call. Last month, right before he dropped the D-Bomb on me, he went to a poetry reading in another city... I knew about the poetry reading, but what I didn't find out until a few days ago was that his ex was the featured poet. Turns out she's no longer living across the country, but an hour or so away from where we live now.

This "other woman" was someone he's apparently carried a torch for for the last 7 years. They had a really brief fling in their early 20's and nothing came of it, they parted ways, the end. Well, seven years later, he's married to me and feeling like he's trapped in a marriage he doesn't want (despite the fact that he asked me to marry him) and it just so happens that the ex comes back into his life... Well, it's the sign he's been looking for all along to bail.

Like I said, I was really willing to stick this out with him and give him all the time and space in the world that he needed to get himself together, but after hearing that he's been seeing his ex while we've been separated (for only a week, mind you. He sure works fast) and carrying on with her for the last year behind my back... Sorry, I gotta draw the line there.

He said he hasn't slept with her, yet he wasn't returning my phone calls when I desperately needed to talk to him. Turns out he was with her then. He fessed up to deliberately ignoring my phone calls. I think that's what did it more than anything... It was disrespectful, immature and selfish of him. I told him that even though we are separated, I am still his *wife* and what he was doing is called "an affair", sex or no sex.

I no longer care if he's bipolar. He's in therapy now, which takes the problem off my shoulders. And today, I started the process of filing for divorce. Since we haven't been married for very long, and we have no assets, or money, or children, we qualify for a summary dissolution, which is less of a hassle than a regular divorce. I know I sound cold and angry, but I am still pretty hurt by everything that's happened in the last month. This revelation of an affair is just one more indignity... It is, in fact, the straw that broke the camel's back.

I really admire those who work it out after an affair has happened, but this isn't my battle. We did have a beautiful, loving marriage that would have become better and better had he only given it a chance, but he didn't want to put in the effort. He would rather believe that we were wrong to get married because someone else in his life right now seems better.

As far as I'm concerned, she can have him.

I'm sorry that this post is so long... I'm just venting, I guess. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I'd wind up divorced, but hey, no one probably does. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Sarah,
Welcome, and sorry you’re here.

How incredibly selfish of him to marry you when he was still half infatuated with someone else!

The pain will ease with time. Read LostHusband’s post if you haven’t already.

For what it’s worth, I doubt that the affair will last. And even if it does, your STBX may not get the happiness he’s chasing.

Yes, he is being incredeably selfish... I feel so mixed up over the decision to divorce him, though. I keep going back and forth between the options: Divorce him and move on, or wait for him to make up his mind and commit. I know I can move on and heal for sure, but I don't know for sure if he'll ever make up his mind or want to commit to this marriage. I can't control him, so that option leaves too much in his court and he's made it pretty clear he has no real concept of the "right" thing to do.

So, I feel like he's left me with little choice. While I don't want to divorce, I know that it's probably the healthiest choice I can make for myself. I've been in a relationship where I just kept waiting for the guy to come back to me, and he did, only to continue the pattern of cheating and leaving and coming back and cheating and leaving and coming back... I decided I wouldn't ever put up with that kind of behavior in a partner. Especially in a marriage.

I just feel like a quitter. The people here on this board are so supportive and encouraging of trying to marriage build, and that's incredeably inspiring and uplifting. But it boils down to both spouses wanting to save the marriage, no matter what it takes. And my STBX doesn't want to do that. I know he's just trying to run from his problems and thinks that the marriage is one of them, but I also know that he's a creature of habit... I'm 99% sure that he's going to do this same thing to the next girl he ends up in a serious relationship with.

He's a brilliant human being, attractive, witty, talented, but he's just emotionally immature. I know I need a partner who is on the same level as I am, and STBX isn't anywhere near that level and never has been. Well, he was briefly when he proposed to me... But that didn't last very long before he reverted back into the old patterns and doubts about us.

I mean, there's so much here other than a cut and dried case of wayward spouse meets other woman. There's the bipolar disorder to take into consideration, too. It's common for bp folks to seek out affairs for various reasons and to blame their relationships for causing them too much stress. And I understand that... I was willing to help him deal with that. But if he doesn't want the relationship to continue, what choice am I left with other than divorce?

Sarah,
Of course you don't want to be divorced. And I understand about feeling how you're quitting. I felt that way at first too.

But there is a LOT more going on than the typical Wayward Spouse. Is your H. even capable of making the commitment?

There's a book I absolutely love call "Emotional Unavailability" by Dr. Bryn Collins. A scholarly work written for the lay person. She even has an example of a BiPolar woman in a marriage. You mihgt want to read through it.

No one can tell you to divorce or to stay married. If your H. does come back to you, please wait a few years for children. Just to be sure.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sarahbellem:
<strong>

I just feel like a quitter.

Oh, baloney. You're no quitter. Simply put, you don't have the baggage that would keep a betrayed spouse working her heart out to restore a marriage with a betraying partner.

.... I also know that he's a creature of habit... I'm 99% sure that he's going to do this same thing to the next girl he ends up in a serious relationship with.

Better "someone else" - i.e. the next girl, than you. It's time for you to come down off the cross.

He's a brilliant human being, attractive, witty, talented, but he's just emotionally immature.

translation: He looks REALLY good on paper.

I mean, there's so much here other than a cut and dried case of wayward spouse meets other woman. There's the bipolar disorder to take into consideration, too. It's common for bp folks to seek out affairs for various reasons and to blame their relationships for causing them too much stress. And I understand that... I was willing to help him deal with that. But if he doesn't want the relationship to continue, what choice am I left with other than divorce? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Life is too short and you are too bright, young and special to put your energy into a black hole. We've been married 17 years, and if my husband had told me 16 years ago what he told me on D-day, I would have filed the next day. Pain is not a good way to live your life, not voluntarily anyway.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by greengables:
<strong>
No one can tell you to divorce or to stay married. If your H. does come back to you, please wait a few years for children. Just to be sure. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GreenGables,

Oh, I don't think I'll be taking him back ever again. He is just not up to the challenge of being in a stable relationship... Or maybe it *is* me and we're just not right for each other (me being too sane and all... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

As for the kids bit, I'm not ready any time soon for children, but even while we were together, I was hesitant because of his emotional state. Plus there was always the possibility that he'd pass along the bipolar disorder to any of his offspring and I wasn't so sure I wanted to risk inflicting that kind of thing on them. He grew up with a wonderful supportive homelife and yet he still developed it. His mother has a mild form of bp that was just diagnosed recently. So, the odds were kind of stacked against any children we'd have.

When I'm able to emotionally detach I can see clearly how this divorce is a good thing for me. It's just when I let all the other stuff get to me, like the OW and such, then it starts getting personal and hurtful. Otherwise, I'm just looking forward to making a clean break and getting on with my life.

Double post

<small>[ September 25, 2004, 10:03 AM: Message edited by: Sarahbellem ]</small>

[ </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bellevue:
<strong>
Oh, baloney. You're no quitter. Simply put, you don't have the baggage that would keep a betrayed spouse working her heart out to restore a marriage with a betraying partner. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL. Yeah, no kids, no house, no joint income... It was kind of like being in a long term relationship but with wedding rings. It always baffled me why he felt it was so different than how we were living for the first 3 years. As far as I was concerned, there wasn't a heck of a lot of difference in terms of our lifestyle between the dating part and the marriage part. We still kept separate bank accounts, for one thing!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> translation: He looks REALLY good on paper. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, yeah. He looks *real* good on paper! Every female who comes in contact with him falls all over themselves because he's just *so* handsome and *so* nice. And I'd always catch myself thinking "Yeah, but you don't have to live with him..."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Life is too short and you are too bright, young and special to put your energy into a black hole. We've been married 17 years, and if my husband had told me 16 years ago what he told me on D-day, I would have filed the next day. Pain is not a good way to live your life, not voluntarily anyway. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, thank you. I agree. My attorney told me at the end of our first consultation that in a way, I'm lucky. I'm young, I have nothing to lose or gain (I think he was speaking financially) from a divorce, I can make a clean getaway and get on with my life. He said that most couples don't end up getting a divorce until they're so trapped in one another's lives that it's incredeably painful and difficult to become a single unit again. He's definitely got a point.

<small>[ September 25, 2004, 10:05 AM: Message edited by: Sarahbellem ]</small>

Double post

Now girl, go on with your life!

And, a suggestion: Find a good therapist and dig into why this loser was able to pull the wool over your eyes. Learn from this debacle so history won't repeat itself.

I'm happy for you! You got out of the trap without having to chew your leg off to do it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sarah--your marriage does sound doomed. How long have you been separated? Do you have to make divorce decisions right away? I say protect yourself financially but get some perspective on things before you take permanent steps.

My big question in my marital woes is why did I choose my spouse. He was just as screwed up when I married him 30+ years ago as he is now so what in me needed that kind of person. 2 very good books for me to sort through my stuff were WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH and SAFE PEOPLE. Use this disaster to learn about yourself. It doesn't sound like you need to learn why this is happening in your marriage and how to fix it so start the journey of learning how you can prevent this from happening again.

God bless
TW