Hi my name is Shalena I have been married for five year's now. I have been separated for 2 year's now. it would be a very long story if I told you the reason me and my husband separated. but I have a couple question's if anyone can help me out I would really appreciate it. I am still very much in love with my husband, We have 3 kid's together, but for the last year he has had a lover she is alot older then him he is 25 and she is 36. I don't understand why he would want to be with her, I have seen picture's of her. and I think nothing but bad thing's about her. I have told my husband many time's that if he doesn't want to be with me why doesn't he just divorce me, and he doesn't do it, that is one thing I don't understand. If he really honestly doesn't want to make our marriage work then why doesn't he just get out of it? I have been trying everything I can do to show him how much in love with him I really am, getting him card's, roses, coming and cleaning his house, and even telling him that I am in love with him and that I want to be with him more then anything in this world. another thing is that he tell's me that he is attracted to me and I am a very pretty women, but he cannot control his feeling's and that he is in love with his lover. but I want him to fall in love with me, any suggestions on how I can make him look at me as someone that he want's to be with? any feed back would be greatly appreciated.

Welcome, Shalena.

Do read all the concepts, especially important right now is the section on LoveBusters (LB) and Emotional Needs. Most of Dr. Harley's books are available in libraries, so if money is tight, you can borrow Surviving An Affair (SAA), His Needs/Her Needs (HNHN) and LoveBusters. They will explain fully how best to become attractive to your H again.

Meanwhile, I notice your tag line says you're divorcing. Did he file? Did you file? or are you just thinking about it?

Are there any children?

And how old are you? These do help.

There also may be more going on than meets the eye. As a 37 year old woman, I can't imagine a 25 yeor old being interested in me. Nor can I imagine being interested in a 25 year old.

Do tell us the whole long saga. It helps us to know the story. You can post it then copy the link to your tag line, and then you don't have to tell people more than once!

Well thank you for writting.

Well 2 and a half year's ago we were living with my parent's happy I thought, He told me that he thought we should separate and him move back in with his parent's and he needed to date other women to see if he was still in love with me. Well it took him about a month to do this. We finally decided to work thing's out when I met someone and was dating him. VERY wrong on my part. I told him that I didn't want him back, and I wasn't in love with him anymore. he begged and cried for me to come back to him and I just said no I can't do it. Then about a month later I decided what I was doing was wrong and told him that I was sorry, and I wanted him back. he said no and since then we have been separated, I have been trying those whole 2 year's to get back with him, and hoping to God that he would fall back in love with me. I have cried many night's and am feeling so much pain inside.

We are not divorced yet. I keep asking him if he doesn't want to be with me why doesn't he just divorce me. He doesn't answer me. And I will not divorce him, I am still so much in love with him. I read about love buster's, and all the rest of the coloumns, but how do I make him see that he can fall in love with me again if he doesn't want it to be seen?

I am 23 year's old, we have 3 kid's they are 4 year's, 3 year's, and a year and 2 month's.

I still don't know why he is with a 36 year old women, it's gross to me, I guess cause I can see that I would never think about being attracted to someone that much older then me.

I don't understand why he can't fall in love with me if he say's that he is still attracted to me.

Oh and by the way his 36 year old girlfriend is married also not getting divorced, and when they first met she lied about being married, and when they met I was pregnant with his child and she knew that.

I'm not one to bad mouth the Other Person. But the OW in your case is ... I can't write it or the mods will have a fit.

You can't make him see you that way.

I think it's interesting he won't divorce you. Most likely he's enjoying having his cake and eating it too. Around here people call it "Cake eating" for short hand.

Have you read up on PLan B? I think it's time.

Also, I do recommend you get some sort of legal advice. In my state PA, once you've been living separately for 2 years, you can't contest a divorce suit.

You need to be prepared.

Does you H. do a good job with child support? Do you have a job? Well, you know a second job after that of rearing 3 little ones!

How supportive is your family of your desire to reunite with your H? How about his family?

Lots of questions I know, but they all come into play.

Now I've got to get some sleep. My 5 year old slept with me last night, and kept bumping into me and waking me up. I'm beat. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I check back tomorrow. And you'll get more responses on Monday when everyone gets on their fast work computers.

I know that I should think about divorcing him but I really can't do it. It is too painful I don't even want to think about us being apart, it hurt's way to much. His parent's have been trying to tell him that he need's to work thing's out with me, and that he should not be with her. His dad has already told him and me that this women will never be welcomed in this houyse or in this family. So never bring her around. On the other hand my parent's tell me that I should just divorce him, sometime's I think there right and sometime's I don't. I guess I think maybe someday he will realize what he is doing and come back to me, and we can be a family again. I really don't understand how she can do this.

I'm not saying divorce him. I just want you to be informed so he can't divorce you quickly.

And a big question is the financial aspect. You don't have to share if you don't want to. But financal worries are real and a lot of times people have to stay married, or get divorced, because of the financial risks.
I also don't think it's helpful to endulge in wondering "Why is she doing this to me?" The OW probably doesn't even think of you as a real person.
Besides, OW doesn't owe you the loyalty and respect and protection your husband does.

A better question is "Why is he doing this to me and our family?" Unfortunately, the answers aren't pretty especially since he's been at it for a long time.

After 2 years with OW, I would hesitate to blame too much on the "fog."

1. He's selfish. Yep, no way around that one.

I'm sure I could think of a lot more, but they al go back to that one.

And because he's unwilling to divorce you, I"m adding he's a scaredy-cat. He won't divorce you because than what would happen to him when OW breaks up with him?

As it is now, if OW breaks up with him, he'll come back to you. But, it will be because he needs somebody. Not that he needs you and understands what it takes to have a happy marriage til death us do part.

So, what we want is for him to break up with OW. That's the best way possible.

It sounds like you've done Plan A. How about eliminating LBs? How well did you do there?

If you did well, I think it's time for Plan B.
You may want to consider bringing his father into the loop on what Plan B is all about. 1. Protecting your love and the marriage from the harm H. is doing. 2. Giving H. time to see what life without you is like. If your father-in-law is wiling, he could even treat his son the way he would if you two divorced. Blood is thicker than water in the ed, but a hard dose of reality from Dad has worked wonders in the past. Read FaithLoveHope's thread.

If some of you other experienced MBers want to pop in with advice, please, please do.

And Shalema, consider posting on General Questions II. Many there have been in your sistuionation.

<small>[ September 26, 2004, 07:48 AM: Message edited by: greengables ]</small>