I may have a second chance to save my marriage. Now I am asking for advice. Now I am asking for the help of all you Good People. First, I’m going to lay out my cards, then I’m going to let you all know where I’m at.

I got married very young. I was 21, my wife turned 20 the day before we were married. The next Spring, our first child came.

I always worked, I never messed around on my wife, I never hit her, and I was in the house most nights. I thought that was enough. I know realize how wrong I was.

I would come home, and get on the computer. I would ignore my wife and children. This went on for years. I was also controlling. I was a tyrant. I was so wrapped up with what I was losing being married so young, I never gave a thought to what I had gained.

This February, my wife and I had a blow out. I wanted a Divorce, I wanted her out of the house, I wanted to end this.

Then I decided to give everything one last chance. Little by little, I started realizing what I had done. I started to see the huge part I played in all of this, and I started trying to fix it. That was May. On July 3rd, my wife and kids left for Texas, I was to follow.

After a while, my wife says she started realizing that she didn’t love me anymore I responded by calling more, bugging her more when I should have stepped away at that time. Last Wednesday, she told me that she didn’t love me anymore and tat she wanted a Divorce. I stepped back and didn’t call her for a few days.

Today, I called to speak to my oldest Son, and ended up speaking to her as well. We spoke for about an hour. She still says that she doesn’t love me anymore, and that it’s not fair to me to be in a relationship like that. Afterwards, she agreed to let me come down and visit the boys on the weekend of October 8. So I will be going to Texas to visit. Now, this is also the weekend of my Wife’s Birthday and our Wedding Anniversary.

She told me that if I came down, that I needed to come for the boys and show her how I was going to step up for them. She keeps telling me not to get my hopes up because this may well be the end.

I need to know how to handle this. God is giving me a second chance here, and I’m not going to blow it. I blew it too many times. This is my last shot.

We spoke well on the phone, she told me about her job, we talked well. I let her talk more than me. I just tried to listen.

I can’t help but think she still loves me. She said she did, but she’s not “in love” with me. She is still wearing her wedding ring. She said she would out of respect until a Divorce is final. I can’t help but think there is some kind of Hope here. If not, I don’t think we could have talked on the phone so well, I don’t think she would have gave me the opportunity to come down.

Help me out Good People. I have the Desire to make her happy, I have the desire to do this right, I’m just not sure on the methods.

Please help me save my Family. Please.

noonespecial -

I think you have a great chance to save your marriage. Now your wife has let you know what she needs you to do. So start doing it. And don't wait til you go to Texas, start now.

I would call and talk to your kids everyday. Don't necessarily talk to your wife, but give your kids plenty of attention.

Print out the emotional needs questionnaire here and send it to her. See if she will fill it out.

Write and tell her how sorry you are.

Do these things, and I will think of some more.

Good advice, believer.

Noone, you can't show your wife how you have changed in just a visit. You really need to take a leap of faith here.

Move close to where your family has moved. Even if it's just a broom closet, be convenient for all of them.

Find a job - any job. And work at it like it's the best job in the world. Even if it's at McDonald's.

Sacrifice. Give up your home/apt., find a way to do it. If it means subleasing, check into it (first look at your rental agreement & see if that's possible.) If you forego a deposit, so be it. If you own your home, turn it over to a property management company or a realtor.

Burn the bridges. Go, stay in Texas, and be available but don't "hover." And give the computer away. For you it has been an addiction. Your wife needs to see that she and the kids are what you love; not the computer.

It is less important that your wife fall back in love with you than that you are in your children's lives. And you can't do that from far away. email and phone and cards are not the same as your welcoming lap and your big strong self lifting the kids up and swinging them around until you are both dizzy. They need to feel your rough bearded face when you kiss them hello. They need to smell the stink of your sweaty body after a hard day's work. (sounds gross but when my father and grandpa came home from their jobs, they had work sweat odors. Nobody else smelled like them. You can't smell somebody over the phone or the computer.)

Oh, and work on yourself. But without the computer.

Love,

From N.O.S's question, and having read his other posts, I figured he already knew about Plan A and all that stuff.

So, I'd like to get practical. What about the birthday and anniversary?

Last year, I gave my husband an anniversary card basically saying "In spite of everything, and even if we don't make it, I'm still glad we married."

I didn't get him a present.

Obviously, NOS, you need to make you decision on this one, but not something that is too valuable. Not a bribe present.

Now, the brithday is an entiredly different matter. Still no bribe present, but you have to help your sons get presents for mom. And you definitely need to have at least a card.

If you do give your wife presents, please give them in private away from the kids, just in case she doesn't feel like she should accept them.

All in all, I think it's very encouraging.

Now, comes my serious advice. It's one word: Patience.

Thanks guys, I appreciate the advice.

I’m stepping up for my boys on this no matter what. That is not even a question. I love those boys so much. I’m starting to tear up just thinking about this.

I can’t go to Texas right now for a couple of reasons. I NEED to sell the house and save up some money first. If not, that would be a HUGE love buster to my wife. She will read it as a lack f responsibility.

I’m hoping to be in Texas for good by this summer, depending on how things turn out. Id\f she does divorce, I will need to heal up here as this is where my support is. I can’t go down there a wreck; that would not be good for anyone, my sons included.

My questions are with my wife. I don’t know how I should approach her when I am down there. She keeps saying that she loves me, but she’s not “in love’ with me. She keeps saying it’s not fair to me if she can’t love me and it’s not fair to her either. She tells me not to get my hopes up.

I speak to her sister. Here sister says she doesn’t know what’s going on, but give this time. My Brother-in-law says she would divorce now if she had the money, but I may have a second chance. He said he will support me on this, but if I screw up, he will tell her to leave me. I know that if he tells her to, she will.

I told he yesterday that she’s not going to be in love with me for a while. I basically described the whole Love Ban principle and told her that that I need to start to doing a lot of good stuff and not do any bad stuff. After I do that for a long time, the love will return. I told her to just be patient. She didn’t really say anything. She didn’t give me anything one way or the other.

As I’ve said, I’m stepping up for my sons here. That is not a question. I WILL be a goof Father to them, and as soon as I am able to I WILL go to Texas so I can be there hands on, every day. It’s what I want. It’s my desire. I can’t think of living any other way.

My question is with my wife. What should I expect realistically? What should I do or not do?

Treat her as a friend who you like to date, but who you aren't certain would like to date you.

All those rules still apply. Gently test the waters and carefully read the feedback you get.

Don't get too personal in conversation. Stick to safe topics.

The goal of this trip is very simple: Don't do anything that makes her uncomfortable.

But, NOS, I really don't think you need to worry. You now have your wife's best interest at heart, and are willing to accept it if she feels her best interests lie somewhere other than with you.

That is a huge gift of selfless love. If you can act on those principles down there, you'll do fine.

Thanks GG,
You have been my cornerwoman in this. I appreciate this. I have my fight now, and I have my prize. I have the heart to fight this battle, and I think that I finally have the patience to see it through.

Patience has always been tough for me. I think God is teaching me patience. I think He is also teaching me humility as I now realize that I cannot do this alone and I need as much help as I can get.

He has given me Strength. I am so surprised at how I can handle this. I feel beaten, I feel overwhelemed, and I feel exhausted; but there is no doubt that I will be able to fight this battle and triumph somehow in the end. That is the Stremgth God has given me.

I think that He has given me a second chance for not losing my Faith. I just recently became religious, and when all of this happened, my first thought was to lean upon my God and place my Faith in Him that there was a reason for all of this. I think perhaps, that He has seen that and given this to me.

I know I wont get another chance though, so now I must fight like I have never fought before. Only this time, the fight will be in the darkest chasms of my heart. This time, the enemy is myself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Noonespecial:
<strong>but there is no doubt that I will be able to fight this battle and triumph somehow in the end.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The only thing I warn you about NOS, is that triumph for God may look totally different that your definition.

Only though absolute surrender will you ever find victory in Christ.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LostHusband:
<strong> Only though absolute surrender will you ever find victory in Christ.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm trying Bro, I'm trying. Every day, at least 5-6 times a day, I ask my God, "Lord, let me do Your will. I want to submit to you, I want to live for You, let Your will be done, not mine."

I really do want to do His will, I'm listening, and I think I am doing the right thing. I pray every day that I am.

You sound like a guy who deserves another chance.

I probably am not the best one to give advice, since I've now messed it up TWICE with the same spouse. But having been successful in turning it around once - even if it didn't last - I do know that persistance can pay off, and I sincerely hope it does for you.

It sounds to me like there is reason for hope and that you're growing from it regardless of how it turns out. I guess growth is something we can all get out of our experience, even if we hoped for more than that.