Just when it seems I'm doing fairly well, it seems I tend to fall back on my face again.

This weekend I've been in another funk. Maybe signing the financing docs on Friday started it. I saw STBXH that day--first time a couple weeks that I've seen him and first time in a LONG time that I've talked to him without OW somewhere within eyeshot.

It hit me...this is the real deal. This is going to be final. (I guess even though I really didn't expect it, I had sort of hoped that STBXH would finally wake up once I filed.)

I didn't want to file. I didn't want to have to be the one. I fear I'm going to have some guilt for a while about it. It would have been easier if he'd done it.

So then I go reading on Christian websites, about Christian dating, etc. (Not to worry--I would not consider actually doing it until AFTER the DV is final!!)

But if there was ONE thing I have longed for all my life since I was a child, it was to have a companion--a husband--and to have kids.

Okay, I had kids. And the time has flown. And being married to an alcoholic, in looking back, I realize I spent so much time trying to keep the peace and take care things that I missed out on my kids' lives. Now one is in college and the other, though still in H/S, is gone most evenings. I miss them. I miss my babies...

Maybe that was my shot and I blew it. Maybe that was the family I longed for. (Okay, I have NO intentions of having more kids...they ARE the kids I wanted!!)

But what if that was the only shot I ever get at a marriage. I SO long for a Christian marriage. I want to have someone to pray with, to read the Bible with, to look to for strength when I'm weak. I want to have someone who loves me and is there to protect me and stick up for me and hold me when I'm lonely and laugh with me when I'm happy. I want someone to snuggle with when I go to bed at night. (Dogs are great, but it's not the same.)

It's a big fear of mine--being alone forever. And I'm afraid that maybe God is making me face all my fears. I know I get distracted easily. Maybe the only way I can totally give myself to God is if I don't have anything or anyone else in my life?

I'm not angry with God. And I know that he works all for the good of those who believe. But I'm scared. I'm afraid my worst fears will come true. It's like being in a burning building and knowing you're best chance is to jump into the net, but being afraid to let go and trust.

So then I read these websites where there are Christian dating forums, and I read things like "God makes NO provision for divorce--sorry! You are to stay single so that the option to reconcile is there." or "Christians do not kiss before M. They shouldn't 'date'. Courting...or seeing each other in public places, in groups, is the way to go. Your first kiss should be on the alter."

So I'm thinking... "Okay, not only can I not have SF with a man before marriage, but I can't even kiss him because it causes impure thoughts? (which I agree, it can). I can only marry a man who is widowed, never married, or DV because of his wife's unrepentent infidelity, or I am committing adultery. I have an ADHD child who is VERY difficult and stressful to parent and is a big reason cited by WH for why he fell for OW. I am no spring chicken. I will be 40 in a year. Not prime dating age. And I lack a feminine figure. I'd rather be overweight and have curves than built like I am."

I figure my odds of ever marrying again are about .009%. (And then I'm not sure it's even permissible for me to marry again.)

UGH! Driving self nuts tonight! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Oh, and there's this guy in my little church who lost his wife last February. He's older than me, but still within reason. Good looking. Seems VERY nice and very much a believer. I've been steering clear so as not to get myself in any trouble. I rarely talk to him. But I admit I've wondered way more than once if he would ever someday consider taking me out. So today he shows up with a woman. UGH!! Okay, maybe she's his sister. They actually did look somewhat alike through the eyes. And since I don't talk to him, I don't know. But I did also note that she had no ring.

So I feel STUPID because I have these little "what if's" about him. And I feel even more stupid because I saw the woman today and I felt let down. And I feel guilt on top of all of it because I'm still married and I still care about my STBX. And I feel pain because my marriage is ending and because my best friend and lover is living with (and cuddling with) another woman 13 years my junior.)

Does anyone else ever get this wacky, or do I need to seek some serious psychiatric counseling???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

LL

There's nothing wacky about how you feel. You clung for so long to making this work -- and it didn't and now all the paperwork is making you believe it is over. Over. And now what?

Give yourself time. Even though it's been going on a long time, there is finality for you now, like when a person dies who was sick a long time. The tears have been shed, but there still needs to be time to take in what is happening now.
Cherished

Dear LL:

yes you need serious counseling. Not because you are -as you put it - "crazy", but because you need to work out why you depend upon your H to boost your self-esteem.

Please read the literature on co-dependency. Read up on the pursuer-distancer cycle.

LL, you are only 38. Same age as me. Why do you feel you are old? Why do you feel you have next to no chance to remarry? You are a beautiful woman (at least on your photo on the MBthread...), you are intelligent. You have a real chance to find happiness again with another partner. But you have to find it first within YOU!

After what you have written here, it seems that your H is an immature, at times cruel alcoholic. Why do you fight so hard against that realization? You are holding on to your idealized version of him...what do you gain from your way of thinking? It is destructive to your self-esteem. Stop going around in circles. Break free from those thoughts.

There is a whole new world of peace and freedom and happiness out there...waiting for you.

We have recently started MC. I wrote on it in the recovery forum. LL, it helps so much to get professional advice. I thought for a long time the forum is good enough. It is good, but not enough. Discussing your thoughts with a good counselor is so much better. I started out with one IC a year ago. I did not click with her, went only three times. Now we found a better MC. It is wonderful. We clicked. It is working wonders.

Maybe you should consider changing your IC...

I care about you, LL. Please stop those destructive thoughts.

My mother got divorced at 44. She waited to start dating for many years. Then, around 50 she started. Today at 62, she's happily married to an awesome man who's 60.

I'd up your chances more than a bit. Oh, and my mother until very recently has always been tall and rather lanky. Now, post-menopause, she has boobs and a rearend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dear Lord's Lady,

I married an attractive, vibrant somewhat curvy lady. The lady has turned out not to really give me a feeling of trust. I guess I was like your ex-husband in valuing curves. But having had a woman with curves, and having to check behind my frends, I see the value in a woman I can trust. Certainly there are many women with curves that are probably trustworthy. But I have come to the opinion that less curvy women might be more trustworthy.

The advantage of a woman who is not a knockout is that you don't have to worry so much about your friends cutting in on her. I married a younger attractive woman, and I really don't trust my friends, neighbors, etc. If you marry a woman who will cook what you like when you get old, and sometimes can't cook for yourself, that is gold. My wife refuses to properly cook chicken or pork, and is habitually covering up what she puts in food, or how she prepares it. My wife is pretty, but I feel like an idiot.

So I just post the concept to you. Sometimes my comments are misunderstood. But I was trying to cheer you up. Maybe some man is looking for a woman he can trust. I think trust is important. Trust relates to hope for the future.

My wife has threatened to get even for my shortcomings on several occasions, by being unfaithful. My wife has used her curves as a means of abuse to me. So I no longer am so attracted to curvey women. I am trying to communicate about trust and hope for a steady future.

Blessings

<small>[ October 03, 2004, 07:50 PM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>

LL---everything you said----it is where I am, too. I am in a funk and maybe it has to do with the alcoholism we lived with so long. I also just helped WS with his recent surgical problems and that really has pulled me back into the longings for marriage and my house back. I feel like I will never be able to move forward. I cannot even stand the thought of living alone for the rest of my life. I hate being alone. I don't know if aloneness is harder for one person than for another. When I was married, I was lonely. Now I am lonely and alone......

I love to share things, talk, give myself to another. I need the input and viewpoint of another person. I almost think that if I lived with a sister, or a girlfriend that it would be 10x better than being alone all the time. I have done everything I possible know how to make my life less alone. I have these longings...
Prov 13:19 says "A longing fulfilled is sweet to the soul....." I experienced this when we bought our house. I spent 25 years longing for a house. When I got it, the longing was all gone. Now---IT is back.

I understand how you feel and hope we can learn to live this "new life" everybody is talking about.

TW

LL,

HINY here. Listen we have been down this long road together. I have already been D once. It isn't so bad. Did I feel a little scared when I signed those papers? You betcha. I had this little child to take care of all on my own. I had an alcoholic H just like you. In fact 11 years later he is still trying to intimidate me out of child support for my daughter.

This is not the LL that I have seen grow. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off. You have come so far. You do need counseling, don't we all? But your not nuts, just confused. Nuts is how we were when we found out about the A. Come on now think positive. I am 36 and on my second M. I am chunky and don't consider myself to be beautiful, but yet I know that if my FWH doesn't get it together I won't be alone forever and neither will you. You just need time. If there is anything I have definately learned on this site....patience. You have to have patience. Time really does heal all wounds. Take some time. I know it sucks being alone, and it is scary also. You will be fine because you are Lords Lady, remember that.

Hugs and prayers.

HINY

HINY,

I have ups and I have downs. I think we all do. I was obviouisly having a serious "down" last week. I'm doing better again. Thanks for the pep talk.

I try not to dwell on things. If I stay busy, I do much better. I also realize that I have a lot to be thankful for.

For instance, just now I went to lunch and on my walk to Quizno's, there was this man in a wheelchair. I'd guess him at about my age. He had legs that obviously were useless and had no feet.

I realize...I no more deserve functional legs than he does, but mine work fine. Not only that, but while mine may be long enough that they cause me a lot of trouble finding slacks and jeans, that same length makes them look fairly nice in a skirt and heels.

And I am healthy, aside from a very annoying canker sore I keep biting on the side of my tongue today. One of the women in my church found out last week that her sister has inoperable cancer. That same woman's father is dying of melanoma. Do they deserve their situations while I deserve my health? Nope...

Church yesterday was good. Instead of a sermon, the children did a play called the "solid rock cafe". In a nutshell, we need to put our trust in the Lord and that he works for our good through all situations. I need to be reminded of that when I let my worries and fears get the best of me.

LL

LL,

Those were all good thoughts. I am glad you used them to help yourself up again. You see how much stronger you have become since April or May? Amazing what time will do. Soon you will look back and think how far you have become and wonder where all the pain went.

I don't know how you go to church. Honestly, I believe in God and I am a christian. But every time I go all I do is cry. I can't listen to anything the minister says at all. I just sit there holding back the tears trying not to blubber like a big baby. I don't know what is wrong with me, or if I will ever be able to go to church again. A few months ago our son was baptized and I cried through the whole thing just about. Me and FWH were standing there at the alter and he was looking at us saying that the Lord and the ways of the the Lord begin at home. I about died right there in church. yeah it begins at home, but not will a cheating H. I honestly don't know how you can do it without crying. There is just something about church that makes me feel so sad. I wish it were different so I could go and feel better instead of worse. Do you understand my feelings at all? Just wondering if I am nuts or what?

HINY

Hmmmm...actually I feel good when I go to church because it's a time when I can concentrate on the Lord and not think of all the other things going on. But then again, my STBXH isn't there with me.

I feel bad when I think about DV, and how it's not what God wants, though. And I have to be careful not to dwell on it or I'll just sit in church feeling guilty.

But where I have problems is with listening to all the "family-oriented" Christian advice out there. I'm not saying it's bad--it's good--for most people.

It's just that all of a sudden I'm noticing how Christian radio stations and such are very much about family and husband/wife relations, and singles are pretty much left out.

I feel sort of like an outcast in that respect.

I do hope you get where you can go back to church again. This is a tough world to live in, and I think as Christians we need all the help we can get to stay grounded in our faith. If I miss several Sundays in a row, I can easily find myself backsliding.

Just remember, while church is there to help us, going on Sundays to worship is about Him. If we come out feeling good, that's a bonus.

LL

Those feelings are quite normal, Lordslady, and I had them too.
I felt so alone and had only one picture for months, torturing me - he's not alone, cuddling and enjoying his life, and I'm alone...
I never tried to be with someone else, although I wished someone will 'fall' from somewhere, as a help, as a salvage...
I never tried to look at a man as a man, to be maybe mine, nor to date... for I knew, so wounded, I'd be even more hurt...

Wait, learn to live with yourself and - enjoy yourself's company.
A long time ago I heard something I'm aware of these days - you cannot be happy with anyone if you cannot be happy being just with yourself...