Today’s the mother of all triggers; today’s the day my WxW met the OM. By her own account, she went from a tired but happy wife with a 3 year old and 6 m/o to a woman in love with another man and another life. A ONS in a DC hotel end up becoming a 10 month A, a six month false recovery, and devastating divorce. Two years later, she celebrates their ‘anniversary’ while she waits in cramped quarters for him to move here and start their fairy tale life together. Meanwhile our family’s broken, our children are distressed, our friends are divided, and my spirit broken.

A year ago, I was working to recover from this. IC (psychologist AND psychiatrist) MC (she hated it). All the while, she was pining for him. All the changes I made prior to D-day were noticed—they delayed her for a few months—but ultimately weren’t enough. I’m not naive enough to think that my marriage ended because my wife met some dude on a plane. I know I contributed to the conditions that allowed the meeting to become an opportunity for her. I know that I can’t fault the OM for my marriage ending; though his dogged persistence during our recovery didn’t help.

So I’m left to recover—alone. My friends and family don’t understand my commitment to my vows. My son doesn’t understand why daddy can’t ‘fix the family’. My WxW doesn’t see my efforts these last long months as anything but obsession (yet OM’s clinging is ‘unconditional love).

I’m moving through this. I’m finding my own voice, focusing on being a good daddy, trying to salvage my career (my prior posts tell the story). I try to smile more than I cry and look forward to the day I can get off these anti-depressants. Still, I wonder: what could I have done differently so that I did not end up in this very hard place:? Anything? Was 9-27-02 really the beginning of the end or just the end of the beginning? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I'm right there with ya. My WxW claims she met OM at a conference in October last year. She sent me an email the other day asking if I could keep the kids some extra days during a week in October. Probably the same conference. Knots in the stomach agian. I told her I could keep the kids then, the entire month of October, the rest of the year, the rest of my life. Stay on the anti-ds, they're a good thing. Hang in there.

dleightonc and deafjeff,

Howdy boys! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I have a thought for you both. What you're going through is completely normal. I think we have ALL had that "I am going to throw up and no matter how hard I try I can not get my mind off it today" trigger dates. My date is February 3rd, because although I don't know the date my exH met his OW, Feb. 3rd is the day he dropped the bomb and moved out and left me and the kids in the dust going, "What just happened?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

My first year on Feb. 3rd, I had a meltdown half the day, and then pulled myself together a little and took myself out to dinner and the hot tub. It has been five years now, and you know what I finally decided to do? If I let every Trigger Day be a downer day, I was letting my exH control my days and in a way, without even being in my life, I was letting him be in charge of my days. Once I realized that, I got a little pissed off and then angry. I was not going to give him ONE MORE DAY!!! He left me and consciously chose to break up our family, and I just want not going to give him any more of my tears or any more of my days.

So I transformed those days into my own special days. February 3rd, I now take the day off of work and it is CJ Spa Day. It's the ONE day a year that I take myself to the spa and have a facial and massage and manicure and pedicure...the whole nine yards! Our anniversary is the Unniversary, and I celebrate all the people in my life who DO love me. Any day that I find myself remembering the hurtful things he did on that day and reliving that past, I determine in my mind that I am NOT going to live that anymore. I am in the PRESENT now, and since I am in the present, I'm going to have this day be...(something I enjoy).

I realize it hasn't been very long for your guys. I do understand that sometimes it does just hit you like a tidalwave. But give it a thought. Transform "Trigger Days" into your own days--reclaim them. They are YOUR days now.


CJ

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FaithfulNewCJ:
<strong> But give it a thought. Transform "Trigger Days" into your own days--reclaim them. They are YOUR days now. CJ </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What a marvelous idea! I love it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Love the feedback and awesome responses.

Taking the spring right out of the trigger makes good sense. I loved that line who ever said it that xs didn't pay rent in their head to take up so much time. Food for thought on that one.

Those discovery explosions dates are so loaded with memories and emotions.

Reclaim the time and honor it with a special nuture,celebration time. Very Nice touch.

I have a biggie TRIGGER, coming up next weeked my daughter is getting married. It's really officially 3 months since my divorce. She sprung this one on my lap a month ago. I am thrilled for her and her fiance. BUT the X is going to be there. Why does he have to be?

How on earth will I get that through one? I just never want to see or hear from him again. I want scar tissue at least to develop. I am just so raw, and have a train running through my head.

I won't even have a laptop at the wedding that I can at least log on so everyone at MB keep me quiet and subdued. So is a trigger like a tiger, what if I lose my cool and say something unkind, rude or sarcastic?

skydiver,

Attending those family functions with the ex there can be horribly hard if there's lots of bad blood between you, but I remember why you are there: to honor your daughter at her wedding and to witness the start of her marriage. You do not have to speak to your ex or pretend to be friendly--you just can't start a fist fight at the reception! heehee <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> (I need devil horns for that one!)

I suggest that you act like Grace Kelly. All day and night long, be as regal as royalty, and be as gracious and gentle as Grace Kelly. If you can not avoid your ex, just pretend you are meeting a new potential customer, or someone you have never met before. "How do you do?" and "It's good to see you" are appropriate--especially when followed by, "Will you excuse me one moment?" and walking over to a friend or someone you like. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

No matter what he says or does, you just keep acting like Grace Kelly and keep honoring your DD and your new Son-I-L, and your daughter will remember who behaved well and who was a jerk at her wedding. Don't give him the satisfaction of creating a scene. Don't give him the time of day! He's just another guest at the wedding whom you don't know--maybe the groom's best friend's cousins brother!!


CJ

Thanks CJ. I had planned on having some kind of annual celebration on Dv day, Aug. 2nd, to celebrate my freedom and I like your idea of a me day. That will be Jan. 26th, the day WxW moved out with the kids then "dropped the bomb" on me as to what she had done. I can't take the day off on every trigger day, I only have 30 vacation days saved up. D day 1, D day 2, catching her at OM's house day, deposition day, anniversary,.... Why the he!! am I all of a sudden able to remember dates?

FaithfulNewCJ----------Lifesaver u are! Big question is will they stick to my heart, and brain.

Boy am, I undergoing a roller coaster of emotions. Yes, to honor my daughter wedding and her day is what it's all about. Grace Kelly... my wheels are turning. Tell me more.

I just never want to see the x ever again in my life. Damage that has been done has been for life.

All my triggers are being activated. Where is that little dial that we can reach into inside of ourselves where we can turn off the taps. Would make life so much easier.