On February 3, 1999, my husband stunned me by walking out on our family for another woman. I had suspected something was wrong…we barely spoke to each other or laughed together anymore—but I still wanted to snuggle with him and I still wanted to laugh with him, so I didn’t even think of another woman. It didn’t dawn on me. Of course, hindsight is 20/20.

We had been married for ten years, together for 12 at that point. We had two children—a boy who was 11yo and a girl who was 9yo—and like most married couples we had a life and a home and memories together. Unlike most married couples, we also had a business that we built together. My husband ran the sales, the service, and the installations; I ran the bookkeeping, administration, training, and customer support. We were a symbiotic team (or so I thought). Part of my husband’s job was to travel to restaurants in other states and sell the computer software we sold—and that also meant going to the other states to install the systems he sold. While he was out-of-state, I stayed home and ran the house and the business and took care of the kids by myself. Unfortunately, what I didn’t know was that while he was on those business trips, he flirted with the waitresses and assistant managers, and had one night stands (ONS) or short affairs. There was one restaurant that he kept returning to—he had to retrain them and then reprogram and then change some hardware…over and over. It was there that he met one of the employees and started a full-blown, long-term physical affair. After every trip there, he would come back home and completely be a jerk to me…and he would sneak off and be on the phone in secret…and he would do all the typical WS things.

Anyway, he gave me the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” speech, and within about a day, he was gone. Within one day I lost everything that identified who I was. I was no longer a wife—I no longer had a family—the business closed without him—I was not a successful businesswoman—my reputation in the business community was ruined. I had two children that I had to support by myself because I didn’t even know where my husband was or how to contact him…yet I had lost my business and lost my method of earning money. Honestly, I felt a lot like that saying from Mother Teresa: “What took decades to build can be lost in one day…build anyway.” Those first few weeks were horrible. I cried for three days straight, and my eyes swelled shut like I was allergic to the tears. My nose and eyes were rubbed raw; I didn’t eat anything for days on end; and I felt like I had no reason to live. I bet many of you can identify with that first feeling, can’t you?

Okay, those first few weeks I pretty much concentrated on just surviving. I got lotion tissues so I wouldn’t have rug burn under my eyes when I cried salty tears. I bought soup and tea because it was warm and nutritious. I didn’t sleep a wink, but I did learn to read in the middle of the night—or write—or pray. I swallowed my pride and signed up for food stamps—that was a blow to my ego, but my kids were at least fed. I applied for Low Income Energy Assistance. I applied for jobs EVERYWHERE, but I felt so rejected from my husband and so rejected from all those job applications that it was discouraging. I pulled myself together enough to care for the kids and pets, and at least they didn’t have to leave their home or their school and friends.

Gradually I began to get myself together. I first found Dr. Phil’s book “Relationship Rescue” and it was amazingly eye-opening. I DID get real with myself and was saddened to discover that I had contributed to this mess by having destructive spirits and not meeting needs. At the same time, I also learned what MY needs were and that almost none of my needs had been met either. I found a job working at a nice, steady federal accounting job and I was THRILLED to find that I could pay the mortgage by myself and the basic bills: food, heat, electricity, and phone! Furthermore, I was able to start paying off some of our past-due bills and start getting more and more and more ahead. I also began have a little bit of fun with the kids at home—smile once in a while—and realize that there was peace in our home. More and more of my own personality was coming out and I am a funny, life-loving person. I felt a little guilty that I even felt some happiness though, because I thought that if my spouse was having an affair, I should be sad all the time. You know??

I celebrated Valentine’s Day alone, our anniversary alone, my birthday alone, and Mother’s Day alone. While my husband was away, I heard from him every now and then, and he kept denying that he was having an affair (DUH! He moved to another state and was LIVING with her!) and he kept telling me it was all in my head and I was crazy. Well, in May I got confirmation evidence in my hand that he had taken her to a hotel and stayed with her for a lover’s weekend. I had PROOF. Then in June, I was surprised by a call from my husband about a week before Father’s Day. He had called every now and then while he was away, but this time he said that he intended to move back home (and I quote) “because the kids deserved two parents.” UH…HUH?? What about all those months when he just disappeared and he didn’t care for them or contribute to their support or anything?? Didn’t they deserve two parents then?? It turns out that his OW had broken up with him and since no one else wanted him, he was coming home to us.

BTW, a little note about the OW. She was about our same age, but she was single and had four kids from four different men. Her children were all under the age of 8yo, and my husband does not like kids! She was a small woman like I am, but she was thinner and had short, pixie black hair. Otherwise, it wasn’t as if she was a knockout and I was a dog—we both had a few gray hairs and a few wrinkles and a few kids.

Okay, on Father’s Day my husband returned…but he wasn’t my husband at all. He had seriously been taken over by aliens and was so mean and cruel and vicious that it scared me. There is not a word for the way he treated me other than ABUSIVE. He refused to touch me or hug me or kiss me in any way throughout the whole summer, claiming that he must have erectile dysfunction—until I started to investigate E.D. and how to deal with it and he got angry. I basically BEGGED him into counseling, and all he did in marriage counseling was blame me and scream—so we decided on individual counseling. I went to anger management classes in addition to counseling because I was beginning to realize that I had not been expressing my anger appropriately nor had I given myself permission to BE angry. I also started to log onto MarriageBuilders and READ and learn and lurk!

My husband did not seem to be doing too well, but I thought I was doing better and better—I felt like a flower blooming because I was becoming more healthy and learning how to have an intimate relationship—not just an delusion. I was learning a lot at MB, and I had several internet friends and friends at work. One day, my husband said something to me that changed my life: he said, “You are the most angry, hateful, mean, unforgiving person I know. You are NO fun to be with and you have NO sense of humor. Who would want to be with you?” Do you know why that changed my life? I had an epiphany. I wasn’t an angry, hateful person. I had a funny sense of humor. People enjoyed me. I actually checked with my internet friends and people at work, and do you know what they told me? They told me that indeed I WAS funny, and that they enjoyed being with me. They told me that I was probably the least angry person they knew--despite how I was treated, I still laughed and found joy in life! That’s how I felt too. And that was the day I understood something…it wasn’t me he was describing—it was himself.

Our marriage continued to disintegrate, and on the New Years Eve of the millennium, my husband once again left the kids and I and took off to be with her. I was crushed that he left, but I also knew I could make it without him, so although I was sad, I was not the complete puddle that I was before and that made him mad. This time, he stayed with her for two months before she kicked him out again, and I began to do what I consider to be a real Plan A. I did not become a doormat and just “meet his needs” while he rubbed his affair in my face, but I DID work on me and more and more start to become the woman I was intended to be and the woman that initially attracted him in the first place. This time he came back in February 2000, and I thought it was appropriate for us to reconcile after a year of messing around with this.

The ensuing next two years are hard to write about. I began to learn about Verbal Abuse, and I was surprised to discover that the way I was treated was not acceptable and not “what every couple goes through” and not “no one else’s business.” I had no idea I was an abused wife, but the more I read about it, the more I not only recognized the abusive patterns, but also realized that I was severely abused and living with an anger addict. I had lived through the cycle of violence: hearts and flowers—tension builds—explosion—hearts and flowers—tension builds—explosion. I was familiar with verbal abuse (name calling, swearing, blaming, criticism); emotional abuse (not caring about my feelings, being purposely cruel, threatening and scaring me); mental abuse (you’re crazy, your imagining, you made that up, that didn’t happen, I would never do that); sexual abuse (doing sexual things I was uncomfortable with, withholding sex as a means of control), and physical abuse (breaking my things, burning my books, ripping up my journals, kicking the pets, punching the walls, grabbing me, pushing, throwing things at me). WHY HAD I BEEN SO BLIND?

Over the next two years, I learned and learned and learned like a sponge. I completely the anger management classes and learned about using “I statements” and calling Time Out and W.T.F.S. (When you…, I think…, I feel…, so …). I tried all those techniques and practiced speaking up for myself and saying “Stop it” when he was abusive. Thank God, my anger management teacher was an associate with the best counselor of abusive men in the county—so once again I somehow got my hubby to go. I owe that fella my life, because one day when my husband was particularly abusive and I was completely freaked out, he said to me, “My dear you are having a crisis. I am going to refer you to this woman who will help you.” She did. I went to individual counseling and a support group for abused women that was lead by that lady.

My husband was in denial that he did anything inappropriate, but one day at his own IC appointment, he told his counselor that he was out of control and something was SERIOUSLY wrong—so they investigated together and diagnosed my husband as suffering from Bipolar Disorder-Rapid Cycling, and Borderline Personality Disorder, and Anxiety Disorder. Sadly, as much as he was in denial about his anger—he also chose to be in denial about how his mental illness affected himself and his relationships…choosing instead to blame us and continue the abusive behavior.

I think all-in-all we separated about five times. He kept having a variety of different kinds of affairs in addition to the abusive behavior. He had ONS’s, email affairs (writing elicit sexual letters to another woman), cybersex, crushes on women…just on and on. Every time he’d have an affair, I would leave. Each time I would be more and more serious about just ending the marriage, and each time he would find a way to promise or “make progress” or do the minimum amount of work. Each time I decided to believe him and have faith in him, and each time, as soon as we were back together the façade was dropped and the abuse began all over again. Each time it was more and more scary to leave. Each time we reached an agreement and even wrote them down and signed them—and each time he just didn’t do his part of the agreement. I know that I lost friends because I kept going back to him. They would ask me, “Why don’t you just leave him??” and didn’t understand that I wasn’t quite ready to leave him yet. I hadn’t learned all the lessons I needed to be strong enough to leave!

In May 2001, my husband sold our house and bought a new one without consulting the kids or me. We had no idea he was even considering moving, so we were all VERY shocked and did not want to leave our home and our neighbors and our school…but we did just to keep the family together. On September 11, 2001, I was working at the Federal Center and I was afraid to death for those people who were killed and afraid that the Fed Center might be next. It seemed reasonable to me that if they destroyed the WTC, they might set off a bomb at a major Federal Center. Well, he told me I was just being a drama queen and to shut up and get back to work. On our anniversary for 2002, I took the day off work to be with him, and he was in a rage all day. He ended up going through our wedding albums and cards and burning them, and then burning all my marriage/affair recovery books. On his 40th birthday I threw him a huge party at an expensive restaurant, and he left the party early to meet his latest OW—and I found out about it on Thanksgiving Day. You can see that this was severe, brutal, seriously damaging abusive behavior!

When I found yet another affair on Thanksgiving Day 2002, I cried for a whole weekend, but not so much because he was YET AGAIN turning to someone else. I cried because I had promised myself that I would never go through this again, and I knew in my heart that if I didn’t do something that I could not trust MYSELF. I couldn’t trust myself to protect myself! So part of me died that day.

On December 9, 2002, he moved out claiming that I “kicked him out.” What really happened is that I asked him to address three issues or leave: 1) How did he plan to make our marriage mutually happy—that meant meeting some of my needs too and 100% faithfulness to our marriage in body and mind? Also, could he possibly be a sexual addict? 2) How did he plan to address his mental illnesses—include psychiatrist appointments, medications, support groups or whatever? 3) How did he plan to protect the kids and me from his raging and abuse, and what was his plan to deal with it? He chose to leave rather than address his issues—and then blame me for his decision.

When he moved out, I changed the locks and he got vicious. He began breaking into the house and I would wake up in the morning to find him sitting in my bedroom. He came into the house and deleted my PC’s harddrive. Another time he came into the house while we were out and took a sledgehammer to the walls, knocking holes in the walls. Finally one morning he called at like 6am screaming and threatening to take the kids where I would never find them…so I got a restraining order. I felt HORRIBLE about doing that, but I also finally felt a little like I was standing up for myself. After the restraining order, he just disappeared from our lives again for six months—he told the kids to their faces that he would never pay alimony or child support unless a judge FORCED him. After months and months of agonizing about it, I finally filed for divorce when I realized that he never would. He had free babysitting, free meal-prep, free housecleaning, and free sex whenever he couldn’t find it somewhere else…why should he divorce me?

In May 2003 our divorce was final. We were able to negotiate almost all of our Parenting Agreement and Separation Agreement, so our divorce was not one filled with a ton of spite, hate, and animosity. Yes, our marriage was over, but I did not hate the man and we were able to stay on somewhat friendly terms. This absolutely drove my mom CRAZY, and for the life of me I can not understand why. I was able to reach an agreement I was okay with and enter a life of peace without too much of a war, and she was ANGRY that I hadn’t stuck it to him more! Isn’t that a surprise?? I would have thought that a parent would want their child to have more peace and less strife in their life.

So life as a single person has been interesting. When I married, I married for life so I was not very prepared to be single and had no desire to be single—it felt unusual, and to be honest, I did not operate as if I was truly single for a long time. While we were separated, I did not take off my wedding ring—I moved it to my right hand to remind me to act as a married person because I WAS still married. Well, once I was single, I did not really want to be single, so I just kept acting as a mom and a woman, and we’ll see where “single” takes me. And as a single parent, I had a lot of work to do for my children.

My children were not directly abused by my exH, but it would be foolish to say the abusive atmosphere did not affect them. Usually my exH would sceam at me at a time when the kids were either in another room, or he’d give them time to get into their rooms and lock the doors. In the worst days, the kids and I had talks about a Safety Plan and how to get out of their room through a window if they had to…how to call police…how to go to the neighbors, so the kids were involved even if they weren’t directly hit. So I started with that. I started with creating OUR home and creating a place of healthy, calm serenity. I let the kids have a voice in the kind of place we moved to and what things were important to them and what things were not. This was HUGE to them, because they had never been able to have a voice in what happened to them before. They chose to have a place near their schools. They wanted a place that allowed pets because they had already lost so much and did not want to lose their pets too. They each wanted their own room, even if it was small. My D got to choose her room first because last time she got stuck with the “closet” bedroom (haha). They hoped for a swimming pool. They hoped for a place sort of near their dad, so they could visit him if they wanted. And after we had all that written down, we went house shopping TOGETHER.

The kids and I also began counseling. I continued my women’s support group and continued to build self-esteem and self-confidence. My son went to the fella who used to be his dad’s counselor, so that the counselor knew the kind of environment my son grew up in. I have to say once again, that guy is just a LIFESAVER! My daughter went to a group at her school that is for divorced kids—basically a support group so that the kids can discuss the ups and downs of having divorced parents and talk about how hard it is, etc. She loves it because she’s a social type and she feels so much better knowing she’s not alone. And all three of us started to actually PRACTICE living in a healthy way. At first the kids would slip back into old behaviors—son learned that it’s okay for men to dominate women, and daughter learned that women just take it try not to make their men mad—so we all had to relearn that stuff too. Thankfully, the kids were QUICK learners, and within a very short time (relatively speaking) we had a warm, calm, happy home.

Then there’s me. For years I struggled to stay in my marriage because I thought God needed me to work in my ex’s life. For years, I allowed my exH to treat me poorly and never have a consequence for his choices. For years I degraded, disrespected, and unimportant—and I thought that was being “loving” and “godly.” I thought I HAD TO BE MARRIED, and boy I fought hard to stay there!!! But what’s unexpected is that now that I am not married, I can see my behavior so much more clearly. I was not being “loving” or “godly”—I was being selfish and afraid and impatient. I did not have my trust in God. In fact, I think now that I was standing in His way delaying His work! I had a major revelation the day I found Proverbs 4:23 “Guard your heart for it is a wellspring of life.” I am VALUABLE to God just as I am—married or single. I am worth enough to Him, that He wants me to protect myself and not just allow my heart to be hurt over and over and over again, because MY heart—MINE, the heart beating within ME—is a life-giving, bubbly spring for so many people that it is too valuable to allow it to be hurt! MY HEART!! Now…I do not need to be attacking or vicious in guarding my heart, but I do have a responsibility to not just lay down and let my heart be ripped to shreds. My heart is of great value, and from my heart springs life and energy and excitement and soul for many people. I need to protect it.

Next, I learned about consequences. It is not loving someone to let them continue to do wrong and not allow them to experience the consequence of their actions/choices. In fact, it is UNLOVING. An unloving parent pays for the window their child broke in anger and does not give them a punishment. An unloving parent lets their teenager break the law and does not give them the chance to go to court and pay the fine. And an unloving wife covers up their husband’s abuse and affairs, and says to herself “it’s private and no one else’s business”, so that the husband never is allowed to experience the consequence of his choices. A LOVING wife encourages her husband to be responsible for himself and his choices, and if he chooses an illegal behavior, gives him the chance to experience the consequences. Consequences are the natural cost of a certain choice—it’s not retribution or vengeance or pay-back. God loved King David as the Apple of His Eye…He LOVED King David!! When David committed infidelity with Bathsheba and then repented, God did not say to him, “Okay, David, now I’ll take care of all the mess. You won’t have to suffer anything.” NOPE! God allowed David to experience the consequences of infidelity, because HE LOVED DAVID. He allowed David to have rebellious sons who tried to kill him. He allowed David to lose one of his children. David lived with the consequences of his infidelity for the rest of his life, and God didn’t shield him. It is LOVING to let someone undergo consequences!
Next, I began to see something that just humbled me beyond words. God providing. Now, as usual, God did not dump money on us—but when we needed $200, He provided $201 or $198. We were not living “the high life” but we had everything we needed and most things we wanted. Which started me thinking…if God is able to provide what we need WHEN we need it, isn’t it presumptuous of me to assume that God needed ME to work in my ex’s life? God loves my ex just as He loves me, and God wants to have a close relationship with my ex just as He longs for me to want to be close to Him. Doesn’t it just make common sense that if God can provide what we need when we need it, that He can provide what my ex needs when he needs it? Boy, I sure was full of myself to think that if I left my ex’s life, God would have no way to work in him. What arrogance!! He’s GOD for crying out loud! So right then, I knew that not only could I put my trust in God to provide for the kids and me, but that I could also put my ex IN GOD’S HANDS and take my hands off of him. Yep, God loves me and will do His work through me, but as it regards my ex, God will work in him without my interference. God will not abandon him, and that is a promise.

And that leads me to where I am now. I am not married. I am not lustfully pursuing a shallow relationship just for the sake of having one. I have struggled with being a single person in a “married” world, because my marriage didn’t recover…BUT I DID. There was not a miraculous intervention on God’s part to reconcile us. But what bugs me is this: am I not restored? Is not MY restoration just as big a miracle as lostva’s reconciliation? I was not restored the way I thought of restoration when I first came to MB—in those days I only saw reconciliation as a way to be restored—but does that lessen the fact that I AM restored? I don’t think so. My miracle is just as big a miracle as those whose marriages recover from infidelity. My miracle is just as wondrous and my story is just as incredible and fulfilling a recovery.

So don’t limit yourself to saving your marriage at all expenses—that ties God’s hands. Am I encouraging divorce?? No. I am encouraging you to expand your definition of recovery and restoration and success here on MB. This IS a marriage BUILDING site, and the goal here is to save the marriage wherever it’s possible—but when it’s not possible that does not necessarily mean there wasn’t a recovery!

Selah.

MOST EXCELLENT post!

Thanx for your encouraging words.

I just signed the divorce papers today (preliminary - has to go before judge still).

In many ways your story is similar to mine, serial adulterer, abusive (progressed from emotional, to verbal, to physical), family counselor says WH has borderline personality disorder (or even sociopathic), MAJOR anger problem...

And my Wh describes me exactly the way yours did: supposedly an angry woman that NO MAN would want... (BUT everyone else likes me a lot, says I am WAY TOO patient, and the thing people ask me the MOST is, "Don't you ever get angry?")

I still have to keep reminding myself that WH is no longer my problem, that I no longer have any responsibility to try to help him. Worrying about my WH literally made me ill (severe hypertension and depression). I have to refrain from trying to take it back out of God's hands. There's really nothing more I can try anyway.

I truly deserve some peace in my life now.
And what you said about needing to trust YOURSELF to protect yourself from further abuse is something I can really relate to. I KNOW I can't trust my WH to not mistreat me. I can only protect myself from him by starting a new life that excludes him.

Brava! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

CJ, Thank you so much for your post!

I, too, have a similar story. Although my STBXH has not been diagnosed with mental illness - I've always suspected one (or more) because of the (undiagnosed) insanity in his family - he is a drug addict/alcoholic. I've managed to continue to run our business alone, though I don't think I'm a very good business person either. We had no children together, but I helped raise his son since he was less than a year old and was legal guardian for his niece and nephew for four years. This year, his son committed suicide after two years of being unable to contact his dad (I'm not suggesting that was his only reason, but it was one), but it was another devastating response to the insanity and substance abuse.

I so agree with you about how often we get in God's way by thinking we know what God's will for us is, when in reality it is our will we are trying (usually unsuccessfully) to fulfill.

I, too, felt crushed by my STBX's description of me, eventually realizing it was his own hatefulness he saw reflected back at him. I, too have struggled with the idea that restoration meant Lostva's recovery. And I, too, have worked on myself since Dday and have becdome a better, stronger, and happier person than I was before all this began. I'm learning to stick up for myself without guilt despite the fact that my STBX is still doing what he can to interfere wtih my life, to stall and complicate the divorce, and then to blame me for it. And I, too, feel like I'm rediscovering the person I was supposed to be.

I've bought a trailer and I've put it on 18 acres with a pond, surrounded by a creek. Today the septic was put in and sometime in the next couple of weeks I'm getting a well drilled, a generator installed for power, and a pipe barn delivered (to be erected by friends) for four of my seven horses. Today I took one of my four dogs to the vet and came home with a kitten (my H told me that I'd be a lonely old woman surrounded by cats! uh oh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

I never thought I'd be happily unmarried but now I believe, when the day comes, I will.

WHEW!!!!!!!!

You need to take a deep breath. What a great post. I see so much of me in your post, I am just not as eloquent.

Lets try..Bravo for you too!!!! You sound so together..we have been down the same road (about the same time too; I was reading some old posts last nite)I need to come see your horses, Im dying for 1 of my own..that is my 5 year goal..a PC convertible..in purple..in 2 years, and in 5 a horse of my own

I am reminded of the movie Steel Magnolias..We will get through this..no we have gotten through this and we are stronger and better for it.

Smiles,
Dawn

You absolutely rock!
Thanks for sharing with us! I too feel that reconciliation may be reconciliation with ourselves and not so much with our spouses.

You are my hero. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I also commend you for your faithfulness and strength. This is my first post in over 6 months. I had to take a break back in early January after being a basket case and not having the strength to let go and follow thru with Plan B.

Well, I am divorced as of July 7, 2004. WH is still living with OW for past year to my astonishment. However, it's not all a bed of roses as he may have thought. The addictions and mental illness you described struck a cord with me. Our MC made a small notion that my WH may be borderline bipolar, and WH once thought that he himself was a sex addict. I was wondering what cues of these conditions would one look for?

I am glad I came across your thread cuz I am guilty of giving my marriage to God to deal with only to try taking the control back several times before giving it back to God again. Reading what you wrote on that convinces me that I needed and maybe was meant to log on tonite and see that.

Thanks and take care.

FF

Thank you.....

It takes great courage and insight to be able to realize, put into words, and post what you did.

Thank you

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by foreverfaithful:
<strong> Well, I am divorced as of July 7, 2004. WH is still living with OW for past year to my astonishment. However, it's not all a bed of roses as he may have thought. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I truly understand where you're at, foreverfaithful. At times it seems like we try and try and then one day...BOOM...we're divorced. One hour...one signature...and years of your life are just over. It's weird.

And my exH is sort of still with is last OW. This is the one he met at a support group that they both stopped going to because they didn't need it. This is the one he left his own 40th B-day party for so he could have a quickie with her. This is the one he wrote explicit emails to, and I discovered them on Thanksgiving.

Are they "soulmates"? Hardly. She is married but just roommates with her H. She is four kids from four different men and my exH dislikes kids. She comes by now and then, I guess when she "needs some" but other than that couldn't care less if he was hurting, lonely, or needing something. I swear, it is like they are both oblivious to each other!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>The addictions and mental illness you described struck a cord with me. Our MC made a small notion that my WH may be borderline bipolar, and WH once thought that he himself was a sex addict. I was wondering what cues of these conditions would one look for? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here are the DSM Criteria for Bipolar Disorder:

BIPOLAR I DISORDER--DIAGNOSTIC FEATURES (DSM-IV, p. 350)
The essential feature of Bipolar I Disorder is a clinical course that is characterized by the occurrence of one or more Manic Episodes or Mixed Episodes. Often individuals have also had one or more Major Depressive Episodes. The episodes are not better accounted for by Schizoaffective Disorder and are not superimposed on Schizophrenia, Schizophreniform Disorder, Delusional Disorder, or Psychotic Disorder Not Otherwise Specified..

Criteria for Manic Episode (DSM-IV, p. 332)
A. A distinct period of abnormally and persistently elevated, expansive, or irritable mood, lasting at least 1 week (or any duration if hospitalization is necessary).
B. During the period of mood disturbance, three (or more) of the following symptoms have persisted (four if the mood is only irritable) and have been present to a significant degree:

* inflated self-esteem or grandiosity

* decreased need for sleep (e.g., feels rested after only 3 hours of sleep)

* more talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking

* flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing

* distractibility (i.e., attention too easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant external stimuli)

* increase in goal-directed activity (either socially, at work or school, or sexually) or psychomotor agitation

* excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g., engaging in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments)

C. The symptoms do not meet criteria for a Mixed Episode.
D. The mood disturbance is sufficiently severe to cause marked impairment in occupational functioning or in usual social activities or relationships with others, or to necessitate hospitalization to prevent harm to self or others, or there are psychotic features.

Here are the DSM Criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder:

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or
self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex,
substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating
behavior covered in Criterion 5.

5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

7. chronic feelings of emptiness

8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

If you need any help understanding what all these criteria mean or if you'd like examples, just let me know!


CJ