It has been the oddest feeling....I can't say it's horrible, but I also feel so confined. Since my H and I are getting D'ed, this past week, I feel like I've just completely shut down mentally......

I can't remember anything. I can't learn anything. I don't feel anything. I'm not open with friends, to my counseling group, to my family. It's not that I don't talk to them or participate in activities, but it's just that I don't feel like I can open up with my feelings to them - after all, there is nothing they can do. In my head I know most of them care and understand, but I just don't feel it.

In the same respect, I'm completely demotivated at work. I'm not motivated with the house. I'm strapped for cash at the moment, so fixing up the apartment so that it now looks like "me" instead of "us" is having to be put on hold. Even here on MB I feel relatively "walled up." I don't feel like going out. I don't want to get out of bed in the mornings.

It's like I'm just existing (barely at that), and I don't know how to get out of this funk. If I weren't already a sufferer of depression, I would think that this is an episode. But I do suffer from depressive episodes, and this is soooooooo different. This feels like some sort of protective wall around me - not letting anything out or anything in. And I want for it to disappear. I feel like I can't be myself at all.....I don't feel like myself at all.....

Has anyone else experienced this during the beginning of their divorce/separation? If so, what things helped you to break down the wall?

L.I.T.

Absolutely, it's called grieving. I went through it when I had a miscarriage. Couldn't remember a thing, my mind felt all foggy.
When going through the worst of the marriage drama, it was definitely a struggle to get out of bed. I did, but it was hard, and all I could think about was the situation at hand.

I'm sure what you are going through is a part od the grieving process. If it goes on and on for months, then you should see a doctor.

Hugs, and I hope you start feeling better soon. It DOES get better.

Maybe it would be helpful to post about the stages of grief - someone who knows better than me, however. I can remember the Denial, Anger... and that's all I remember. There are probably lots of people here who could benefit from this.

I think we are made to go into shock (physically, mentally or emotionally) when traumatized. If our system goes on overload, we shut down out of self preservation.

I did experience what you are talking about for about a year after I moved out of my home. I had no desire for anything, never felt excited, did not want to be with others, could not read self-help books, etc. I had to only do lighthearted things----movies, books, activities. Go easy on yourself and let yourself rest and heal. What happens when we break a leg---stay off it til it heals. Emotions are the same. Also, after trying to work on the problems at hand, our minds can burn out---mine did.

Do what is easy, simple, nourishing....like drinking pure clear water.

God Bless
TW

Here's an interesting article about the so-called stages of grief:

Beware the 5 Stages of "Grief"
Editorial - TLC Group, Dallas Texas

Few concepts have insinuated themselves into the popular culture as
thoroughly as the so called "5 Stages of Grief": Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression,
Acceptance. We've heard it from professionals in all areas of the healthcare
system (who should know better) as well as from lay persons of all ages (who
shouldn't). There is even a lengthy comedy routine about it by Dustin Hoffman
playing Lenny Bruce in the movie Lenny. The time has now come to ditch it as
the concept has done more harm than good.

Three Common Myths about the 5 Stages:

The 5 Stages of Grief were defined by Elsabeth Kubler-Ross In her book "On
Death and Dying", Macmillan Publishing Company, 1969, she presents 5 stages
terminally ill persons may go through upon learning of their terminal illness. She
presents them as "an attempt to summarize what we have learned from our dying
patients in terms of coping mechanisms at the time of a terminal illness".
These stages were not originally the 5 stages of Grief but better: The 5 Stages
of Receiving Catastrophic News. Over the next 28 years, healthcare
professionals, clergy, nurses, doctors, caregivers, students, and other readers of the
book somehow mutated the stages into the 5 stages of Grief.

The 5 Stages define the process a bereaved person must go through in order to
resolve their grief. Grief is a complicated, multi-dimensional, individual
process that can never be generalized in 5 steps. In fact, as will be shown, a
person will generally have to go through the 5 stages before true grieving can
even begin.

A person who isn't progressing through the 5 stages in sequence and in a
timely manner needs professional help. This common belief has caused a lot of
problems and misunderstandings. One researcher has shown that some caregivers have
actually gotten angry at the bereaved person for not following the stages in
order! The person shouldn't be angry yet because they haven't been through
Denial.

All of the above points to a basic misunderstanding about what grief is to
begin with so it's not surprising that myths continue to propagate. This is most
likely because the pervasiveness and impact of grief wasn't really recognized
by the psychological community until around the 1980s and even then it was
slow in coming.

For example, in 1974 "The Handbook of Psychiatry" defined grief as "...the
normal response to the loss of a loved one by death." Response to other kinds of
losses were labeled "Pathological Depressive Reactions".

In 1984, Dr. Terese Rando---a noted grief specialist, researcher and
author---defined grief as "...process of psychological, social and somatic reactions
to the perception of loss".

In 1991, the Grief Resource Foundation of Dallas, Texas found that, for them,
a good working and practical definition of Grief as "the total response of
the organism to the process of change".

Today, in December 1996, we at TLC Group have come to accept the Grief
Response as the Unified Field Theory of All Mental Illness (a subject of another Tip
of The Month!)

Curiously, most non-grief specialists commonly accept the definition of grief
given in 1974. So what is grief and what produces it? A helpful equation,
which proves itself daily in all instances is: Change=Loss=Grief.

This means that:

A change of circumstance of any kind (a change from one state to another)
produces a loss of some kind (the stage changed from) which will produce a grief
reaction.

The intensity of the grief reaction is a function of how the change-produced
loss is perceived. If the loss is not perceived as significant, the grief
reaction will be minimal or barely felt.

Significant grief responses which go unresolved can lead to mental, physical,
and sociological problems and contribute to family dysfunction across
generations.

So, are the 5 Stages without value? Not if they are used as originally
intended, as The 5 Stages of Receiving Catastrophic News. One can even extrapolate
to The 5 Stages of Coping With Trauma. Death need not be involved.

As an example, apply the 5 stages to a traumatic event most all of us have
experienced: The Dead Battery! You're going to be late to work so you rush out
to your car, place the key in the ignition and turn it on. You hear nothing but
a grind; the battery is dead.

DENIAL --- What's the first thing you do? You try to start it again! And
again. You may check to make sure the radio, heater, lights, etc. are off and
then..., try again.

ANGER --- "%$@^##& car!", "I should have junked you years ago." Did you slam
your hand on the steering wheel? I have. "I should just leave you out in the
rain and let you rust."

BARGAINING --- (realizing that you're going to be late for work)..., "Oh
please car, if you will just start one more time I promise I'll buy you a brand
new battery, get a tune up, new tires, belts and hoses, and keep you in perfect
working condition.

DEPRESSION --- "Oh God, what am I going to do. I'm going to be late for work.
I give up. My job is at risk and I don't really care any more. What's the
use".

ACCEPTANCE --- "Ok. It's dead. Guess I had better call the Auto Club or find
another way to work. Time to get on with my day; I'll deal with this later."
This is not a trivial example. In fact, we all go through this process
numerous times a day. A dead battery, the loss of a parking space, a wrong number,
the loss of a pet, a job, a move to another city, an overdrawn bank account,
etc. Things to remember are:

Any Change Of Circumstance can cause us to go through this process.

We don't have to go through the stages in sequence. We can skip a stage or go
through two or three simultaneously.

We can go through them in different time phases. The dead battery could take
maybe 5 to 10 minutes, the loss of a parking space 5 to 10 seconds. A
traumatic event which involves the Criminal Justice System can take years.

The intensity and duration of the reaction depends on how significant the
change-produced loss is perceived.

It was mentioned above that Grieving only begins where the 5 Stages of
"Grief" leave off. Grief professionals often use the concept of "Grief Work" to help
the bereaved through grief resolution. One common definition of Grief Work is
summarized by the acronym TEAR:

T = To accept the reality of the loss
E = Experience the pain of the loss
A = Adjust to the new environment without the lost object
R = Reinvest in the new reality

This is Grief Work. It begins when the honeymoon period is over, the friends
have stopped calling, everyone thinks you should be over it, the court case is
resolved, "closure" has been effected, and everything is supposed to be back
to normal. It's at this point that real grieving begins.

Notice that the first step of Grief Work is ACCEPTANCE, the last stage of the
5 Stages of Grief. Let's throw out the 5 stages of grief and replace it with
a greater understanding of Grief Recognition and Resolution.

you are not alone, this is 'normal', when I went through this, I went through smaller cycles within the stages, so bouts of doubt, depression, and anger over and over again. I guess what I did to get over it was to know that I would come out the other end (Im still working on it and talking to a therapist). Also know that you will know which stage youre at, during my darkest hours, I made sure I talked to friends or hopped on here@MB for company and hope, I find that some music, certain friends or places set me off, so I tend to know when I would start getting those thoughts and feelings and try to monitor them as they came on.. I had hit the wall like you, and almost ceased to function or care about work, but friends really rallied and gave me hope.. I knew I would be over it at some point and I wished that moment to come sooner but it only comes when you are ready to accept the next stage of your life, I wish you all the best.

Thank you all so much for responding. It really helps to know that I am not alone in having felt this way....I rarely have trouble "feeling" or "opening up" and I see now that it may just be a combination of preservation and depression.

Interesting article on the stages of grief. In my counseling group, we spoke about stages, but we did not discuss the depression phase which is most likely what I am in now. The "nothing really matters" phase. The past few weeks, I had been in the "angry" phase - alternating with acceptance. My denial and pleading phases were back from Feb until probably up to mid-August.

After reading that article, I suppose my view is that those stages are real, and maybe grieving "phases" rather than a "process." I do believe that the TEAR process is one of resolution. My belief is that there is work that can be done in each of the phases as well as resolution....but that resolution holds the most common ties to really "moving on" and moving into the next phase of life itself.

I appreciate those comments that remind me that it will get better, and that you remember feeling some of the same things I do. I try to encourage myself that every day is one day at a time, and that there will be an end to this. As Ms.O said in my other thread, that this is an adventure - there will be many emotions experienced.....and I suppose the "walling up" are just some new feelings I am learning. Even just posting here has helped free me from some my defenses.

I can't tell you how much I really appreciate all of you sharing your encouragement and reassurance. It really helps sometimes to just know you're not flying off the deep end <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

In the meantime I will keep trying to do the lighthearted things. I have been trying to clean and reorganize my apartment, watching movies with girlfriends, going to the fair, reading, etc. I will hope that this phase does not last long (at least continuously <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) as my real fear with regards to the depression is how it will affect my work. I am in a position where I need to be strong, bold, proactive, and motivated.....but I don't really feel any of that right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Did anyone have trouble with their work during this period?

(Thank you again....everyone)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LetSTry:
<strong> Here's an interesting article about the so-called stages of grief:
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you! Most helpful and interesting, and far better than just a set of definitions.

L.I.T.,

I've been through that "shut down" first after my H left and then recently after my stepson's suicide. I got that article from an on-line group I joined for suicide survivors, but it seemed to apply here as well.

I did have trouble at work. I could not concentrate, I was exhausted and had no energy for the pace that the working world demands. I received a poor performance appraisal in the middle of all my marital trauma. I told my boss considering what I was going through, she should realize that I never missed one day of work in the worst crisis of my entire life. She agreed that I should be commended for that. My last year's appraisal was better but not the best and I think this year I will be on top again. I can feel it. My emotions are still in grief stage but they are not effecting my work anymore.

You are having normal struggles, you will survive and you will get the joy back in your life again. It will come slowly and one day you will realize you are so much better.

TW