Hi there,

maybe somebody´s BTDT and can give me some advise on this:

My H and I are seperated, and our kids live with me. H lives in a different country but within a day´s reach so we can´t follow the "every other weekend visitation" pattern. Since our kids are pretty small, it wouldn´t work to send them to stay with H for two weeks twice a year.

We agreed that H would come here to see them a weekend once a month. I would have liked to have a set weekend, say, every first weekend of a month so we all could plan accordingly. H doesn´t want that as his job is not an 8-5 one, as he says - which is actually was when we lived together, and weekends were always off. He hasn´t changed jobs to my knowledge.

I have been trying to get info on the exact days when he wants to come in Oct. but he told me repeatedly "he´d look into it". I have to add that this is the first visitation we need to work that way.

So yesterday he finally gave me a date that´s pretty inconvenient for me and would disrupt the boys´schedule, which for me is quite a No-No since they´ve been going through a LOT of changes in the past 3 months b/c of the seperation. He then said he didn´t want to add to my stress and thus wouldn´t come in Oct. as there was no other date when he could make it happen.

For Nov., the window is very narrow since he already made plans for Thanksgiving and has some other appointments/plans. He hasn´t mentioned any specific dates, though.

And he asked about plans for Christmas.

What do you guys think? Should I "allow" him to come on the inconvenient date despite the hassle for everybody? Or should I go along the lines of, Well, it´s his visitation RIGHT, not DUTY, I can´t make him, and if the only date he has to offer is one that´s inconvenient to me, then it´s his loss?

I guess I´m pretty upset about the ongoing pattern of stuff revolving around him and how he wants things.

Thanks!

GLB,

On the one hand, it doesn't look like he is putting very much effort into being with his children--which is sad!--but on the other hand, it also sounds like he has a rather hectic, unusual pace (or at least presents it that way).

My suggestion would be to let him come on the inconvenient date, for two reasons: 1) CHILDREN NEED THEIR FATHER!! 2) Life isn't always convenient, and when someone is a priority you arrange other stuff to make them a priority. Now, it SOUNDS as if your stbx has not figured out #2 yet as it regards his own children, but that doesn't mean you can't model that to your kidlettes--even at this young age.

So let me assume for a moment that your children are 2yo and 5yo for example. Even as young as that, you could explain to them, "Your dad loves you and misses you, and he wants to come be with you on Saturday. Now I know that's usually our XYZ day, and we're going to have to miss that this weekend, but you love daddy and daddy loves you so we are going to make sure you get to see him." Even at 2yo, I'm pretty sure they would understand that!!

Also...while he is there to visit them, I suggest that you two schedule the visitations for the next two months (Nov. and Dec.). It is VERY important that some time be given to the kids, because they need to have some dad-time during the holidays. I know you want things to be as easy and comfortable as possible for your kids, and I know that you may be inconvenienced and your stbx doesn't give a hoot enough to be a little inconvenient, but the extra effort on your part is worth it!! The kids will not be able to say it for a long time, but they WILL notice that you are making the effort for them to have time with their father.


CJ

There are 5 weekends in October and he can find only one where he can visit his children?

Forcing children to give up something they really want to do in order to visit their father is only going to turn a visit that they would hopefully look forward to into a chore that they are going to resent. My children would be pretty upset if their father asked them to give up going to a birthday party or something in order to visit him. It is best for children if their parents live close enough so that they can keep up their regular activities on weekends, so they don't feel singled out as deprived because not only do they only live with one parent, unlike most of their friends, but they also have to miss out on the normal life of a child (which often means sports and playdates and other activies on weekends). Of the single parents I know, every father except my children's lives close enough that he can take them to weekend activities, or isn't involved in their lives at all. I don't know how people for whom this isn't true manage if their kids are involved in sports, as the vast majority of kids are. Fortunately my kids have never been very involved in sports, but there are still plenty of times when they have something scheduled on a weekend.

<small>[ October 01, 2004, 10:21 PM: Message edited by: Nellie1 ]</small>

My kids are 3 years old, they´re twins, so right now, they´re not involved in weekend sports activities. The inconvenience is more that the date H gave me is during the week. Though I´m off from school at that time, the kids are not from preschool which they love (and I´m very happy that they adjusted so well to it so I don´t really want to take them out for a couple of days).

But I´m afraid that even though it seems that H made other plans before scheduling the visitation - which hurts me on the kids´ behalf, even if they don´t know about it - I might be the one who has to make the kids the top prority. That means that I might accept the date he gave me so the kids can see their dad - because this is about them, not so much about doing H a favor.

I´d still like to communicate to him that while I agree on that inconvenient date at rather short notice, I prefer we handle it differently in the future:
Schedule visitation before anything else, if at all possible, so the window doesn´t get too narrow.
Do this quite ahead of time.

How do I say that respectfully?

Thanks!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GetLoveBack:
<strong> ...But I´m afraid that even though it seems that H made other plans before scheduling the visitation ... I might be the one who has to make the kids the top prority. That means that I might accept the date he gave me so the kids can see their dad - because this is about them, not so much about doing H a favor. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well said!! Yes, it is going to be inconvenient for your kids to miss a couple of days at a preschool they love. Yes, their dad is so self-focused that he schedules his "life" ahead of their best interests. Yes, you can not stop dad from being self-focused. Yes, the kids need to see their dad. Yes, this is about THEM, not about doing H a favor. GOOD JOB!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I´d still like to communicate to him that while I agree on that inconvenient date at rather short notice, I prefer we handle it differently in the future: 1) Schedule visitation before anything else, if at all possible, so the window doesn´t get too narrow. 2)Do this quite ahead of time. ... How do I say that respectfully? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You say it just as you have written it here--no more and no less. You say, "[x's name], I agree on the following Wed. as your visitation date this month, but I prefer that we handle it differently for the future months. I request that we schedule visitations now for Nov. and Dec. since the holidays are always so hectic and so the window doesn't get too narrow. I also request that we schedule future visitations at least a month in advance (so we schedule January's in December, February's in January, etc.) -or- we schedule a whole year at a time. Are you willing to do this?"

It is respectful because you are stating your request and asking if he's willing to do this. If he says no, perhaps he can offer HIS idea or how he envisioned scheduling visitation, and if you keep an open-ish mind, maybe he has an alternative that would work.

I will warn you though, if he is anything like my ex, his idea will be "I give no notification to anyone, and the kids are available to me at the drop of a hat at my convenience. Your schedule and their schedule are irrelevant." I actually had to struggle with my ex about this for about a year, because he kept making plans or getting mad that he couldn't make plans just whenever he wanted--and it would completely mess up my son going to work or my work schedule or something! Soooo...if that is the case, and that is what he envisioned (that he would TELL you when...), I suggest you do what worked for me: every time he was inconsiderate and demanded we destroy our schedule for him, I just said no. "No, I'm sorry, we can not do that. Both you and (child) know that we have to coordinate that. If you give me a day's notice I'm pretty flexible but I do need notice." Then he'd rant and rave, but oh well--and eventually he got the message. Now, he will call ahead and say, "I'd like to do XYZ on this day--does that work for you?" and I usually try to make it work for me. If it just really doesn't, I'll say, "Actually that doesn't work for me, but THIS would or THAT. Do either of those work for you??"


CJ

<small>[ October 02, 2004, 11:43 PM: Message edited by: FaithfulNewCJ ]</small>

Thanks so much, CJ!
When I e-mailed H today to tell him I agree with the inconvenient date this time but I´d like to handle it differently in the future, I actually quoted what you told me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

So now it´s wait and see.

I´ll let you know how it goes.

Thanks again!

I totally agree with CJ, not so much to add to her (excellent!) posts here; I have been doing that exact the same way, and it's been almost a year now.

It took my X 6 months! to learn how to 'behave' re: visits. After 6 month he took our boy the FIRST time over the weekend (lives 10 min. away from us); before that, he had him ANYTIME he wanted, for 10 minutes, 1/2 hour, or a couple of hours.
I was upset too; not only everything was his way in our life before D, but he continued to d the same!
BUT, all I was thinkng is - my son's sake!
Yes, he needs a father, he needs to feel loved by him too and cared of.
My son was 2,5 when begun going over weekends to his dad place.
My X changed too - he's more close to our son and he really tries to do the best he's capable of. Now he respects MY plans (I tought him so!) as I respect his switching weekends according to his 'other needs'. (I never switched it).
My son is happy, he loves his dad, and although at the beginning I was afraid of many things, now I KNOW that's the best for my son - to have his dad in his life as much as possible!

One more thing; now it might seem it is not easier for you, but once your kids' dad establish consistent visittions (and he will, he'll eventually bond with his kids, maybe when they are a little bigger), you'll see that a weekend your kids with their dad is not good only for them but for yourself too.
(I catch up some visits, work, hobbies during these weekends).

And - it's beter for your kids to spend a weekend with their dad than in preschool (that they attend ALL other days anyway)...

<small>[ October 03, 2004, 10:07 PM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]</small>

Thanks!

Just a short update: H responded in a very open and cooperative way to my suggestions of how to handle scheduling future visitations. I did offer for him to come on the inconvenient date - maybe that helped. He does seem very open to compromise, though, and explained further why his window was so narrow. If he acts upon his words, which I now choose to rely on, we´ll be able to work together.

Maybe then we´ll be able to be the best parents for our sons that way, even if we didn´t have enough negotiation skills to save our M.

Thank you so much!

And believe me, I might come back for more advise on all kinds of things...