I originally titled this post "Soulmates" but then I realized that I just want someone to tell me that my behavior today wasn't bad or abnormal... I feel so miserable right now. I know I have people around me who "care", but they can't understand how this feels. They just look at me with admeration and marvel at how well I'm handling all of this. Let me just say, I AM NOT HANDLING THIS WELL AT ALL!!! I feel like I'm drowning here, and everyone keeps applauding me at how well I'm swimming.

There's so much I want to write about right now... I don't know how or where to start. It feels like each time I attempt to put everything into context, whether it's through writing about it, or by talking about it, it somehow fails to encompass the whole bloody awfulness of the situation and how I feel. I figure most of you guys here probably already know about the depth of the pain, the never ending tears, the hopelessness, etc. so at least that saves me the energy of having to try to explain to someone who has no idea how BAD this feels why "just going for a walk" is not going to make me feel the least bit better.

But anyway. I broke one of my cardinal rules about breakups today... I didn't intend to, but it happened so fast I was trapped before I could think rationally about it. Basically, I called up to schedule an appointment with a mediator for our divorce (after talking with an attorney, I'm not so sure our divorce requires the expense of a lawyer) and got the first available time that I assumed would work for both me and my husband. Then I called him up and told him that I'd scheduled this appointment, but he said the date and time wouldn't work for him. I flipped out. I knew that the date and time I'd set aside was a day he'd be free, so I knew right off the bat that he had something planned with the OW that day. And I just lost it. I went from someone who was at least nominally in control of her emotions to a screaming, crying, angry b*tch determined to make my H feel every bit of pain that I've been feeling for the last month and a half. He stayed on the phone with me for 2 and a half hours, listening to me dish it out, blaming him and myself alternately for every horrible thing I was experiencing. I absolutely could not stop myself. In fact, for the most part I didn't want to stop myself. I wanted him to know that this has been a living hell for me, that getting a divorce I don't want has absolutely ripped my soul to shreds and that I couldn't understand why he didn't want to just drop everything to get this damn divorce if it's so bloody important he not be married to me. I mean, I'm the one doing all the footwork, and I'm in school and can't miss classes at the drop of a hat, so WORK WITH ME HERE, DAMMIT!!!

Of course, rationally I knew I wasn't helping anything. I knew I didn't want to keep the cycle of pain going like this. I knew that there was nothing he could possibly say or do, short of "Sarah, I'm a complete moron. I've made a huge mistake. I love you more than life itself. You are the air in my lungs..." would possibly make this situation any better. But I kept digging that hole deeper and deeper because I honestly couldn't stop myself.

And finally, I wore myself out. At last I saw the mess I'd made and it felt even worse than ever. All I'd done was to make myself seem like a bitter, angry, wretched person to the one person on the planet who I stubbornly persist in loving. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot! I *hate* when I lose my temper and go into battle mode, especially when it's directed at someone I care for, even if that someone wants a divorce. My therapist, oddly enough, says that I need to stop trying to protect my H from how I feel about this situation. It baffles me a little because I was always taught that anger gets you nowhere. But right now, I *am* angry. I have every right to be angry. I know this, but it's confusing to try to figure out how to be ok with the anger and expressing it without feeling like a huge jerk afterward.

During the course of the conversation, my H told me that he's found his soulmate in the OW. Yes, I know, fog talk. However, he's carried this torch for this girl for seven years... His one night stand with her back in college is what has seemingly fueled his life for the better part of the last decade, and now she's back, her feelings are unchanged for him and it's seeya later Sarah. I'm confused because I was opperating under the assumption that we were soulmates (even though I think the term is rather naive) and if you only get one soulmate per lifetime, then I'm either wrong or he's wrong. And neither of us seem willing to back down from our stances. To be honest, I'm not even sure soulmates actually exist! I told him this, and he said that's why we can't be together because we see the world too differently. Yeah, easy for him to say when he's got the supposed love of his life on the backburner. Me? I don't have any new beau on the horizon, nor do I particularly want one. But it does make me feel even more lonely and rejected when I think about the whole soulmates issue.

Know what else he told me? That he is willing to "break the bonds between men" (ie. our marriage) to be with this chick. Now, he's the dedicated Christian and here he is telling me that he thinks God did not condone our marriage? That JC just called him up out of the blue to give him the thumbs up to go find his real soulmate and destroy his church-sanctioned marriage with me and now everything is peachy keen in his world. It makes me want to laugh, it's so absurd!

I still let it get to me, though. And despite wanting desperately to not have to go through with this divorce, it's going to happen anyway, because he has repeatedly made it clear he doesn't want to be married to me. I mean, I keep thinking that there just had to be something I did wrong otherwise he wouldn't have done this. Like, if I were somehow better, or prettier, or less emotional, or more independant, or whatever... People say that it's always a two way street when marriages fail, but I really don't see how anything I did could have caused this marriage to implode. He just woke up one morning and decided he was on the wrong path in life and that's that. And I'm compelled to blame myself anyway, because I'm getting the mother of all rejections without knowing why the hell I deserve it!

I just wish there was someone else out there who understood... Anyone?

<small>[ October 01, 2004, 04:08 PM: Message edited by: Sarahbellem ]</small>

Hi {{Sarah}},

I hear you.I have felt like you and then some many times over.And,just for your knowledge,the word soulmate isn't allowed on this website! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> It's one of those words that people like to use when destroying marriages and families.It's also BS(NOT betrayed spouse).

Listen,one thing I have come to realize after being here almost a year is that despite the fact that I may not have been perfect,there was NO reason at all for my WH to commit adultery.Nothing,nada.I hear time and again that we as BS's contribute to the state of our marriages before the A but to me,that is blame shifting.No matter what the heck I was doing or not doing before the A,it NEVER gave my WH the right to cheat on me.It is NEVER the answer to anything.

Then,I also hear some people say well,Dr.Harley believes the unmet emotional needs are usually the cause of A's and that may be true as well to some degree but sometimes,WS's cheat just because they can,because they are insecure and have low self esteem,or any number of issues that have nothing to do with us as BS's.That's not to say that I wouldn't work on issues my WH had with me that he percieved was wrong or hurtful but how can you do that if the WS doesn't fill you in?? More often than not,we as BS's are finding out that our marriages weren't so great afterall because our spouses have cheated, not the rare exceptions where you hear a WS say that they tried to get the attention of the BS for YEARS but they didn't listen.Yeah.

Point is,don't take too much blame for something you may just have had absolutely no control over or say in.Adultery is the worst experience I can think of and have been through short of one of my daughters dying.It's just a sick,horrible and painful situation to go through and there's no intelligence behind it.

Keep coming here to vent.I know what you mean about other's trying to help but are not really doing so the way you need help.I have been told to "move on with my life" so many times I could scream.I will "Move on,ahead,forward etc etc" in my own darn time thank you very much.It's so easy to be outside looking in isn't it?

I hope you have a better day tomorrow.

O

I have a very strong feeling regarding 'soulmates'. A soulmate does not appear like a bolt out of the blue - it is a relationship that two people work on over time (usually years) and they become comfortable and safe together, enjoy each other's company, respect and love one another. This OW is NOT your husband's soulmate.

Also, why not leave your WH to make appointments with lawyers etc. It obviously is a very upsetting process for you, so let him make arrangements. When he calls you to let you know the time of the appt, it would be ironic if it wasn't a time or date that wasn't suitable for you!!

((((Sarah)))),

First off, yes it does get easier with time. When you start to see how good of a person you are and what you still have to offer yourself, you start to feel better about you and know that WS could never have treated you the way that you need to be treated.

As Octobergirl said, the BS is not always to blame for the A sometimes it is bound to happen anyway for one reason or another.

And TummyTuck is right. As you said, you don't even want this D but it is so important to him, let him do it. There is no reason at all for you to do something that you don't want to do.

STBXW asked me a long time ago about working out D ourselves with those "Do it yourself" books and stuff. She wanted me to go through the stuff with her and help her understand it.

I told her that I was not gonna try to stop her but there was no way that I was gonna help her do something that I was against.

He wants D, let him do it. You need the time to concentrate on you not what he wants.


As for the "soulmates" thing. I believe it is just a feeling driven by lust. Once the lust is gone, you loose the soulmate feeling. True love is the one thing that will last forever.

Hang in there, you're gonna be ok!
WIWH

This is a copy of a post that I refer to and read for my own well being at times. It was posted by TooMuchCoffeeMan a while back. Originally intended for a man, but it applies to women as well. You can associate the gender as needed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

# 3 is the best. It got me through some of the toughest months.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks to TMCM
1) Act Happy. Be as cheerful as possible. Be positive. Put on this behavior when you have contact with your W. Prepare yourself to act this way. Practice if need be. Be an actor if need be. Fake it, if you must. Fake it til you truly do get to the point where you experience your life as positive (It really is, you know!). Remember that there are millions of people out there who are worse off than you are at this moment and who would trade places with you in a second.


2) Get a life. Rekindle old hobbies or interests that you have discarded but still interest you. Try out new hobbies or interests. It is therapeutic.

3) Focus on 4 key words. Every day, every hour and every minute if need be, plaster your mind with these 4 life-saving words: I WILL MAKE IT! This becomes your mantra. Wake up with it. Put it on your mirror. Eat lunch with it. Go to sleep with it. Convey in every which way to your W that you WILL MAKE IT. Say, "I will make it! I prefer to make it with you (if that is what you REALLY want), but if that doesn’t happen, I will make it without you. Either way, I want you to know that I will make it." State with erect, confident body language, unblinking, direct eye contact and calm, firm, consistent tone of voice.

4) To-the-point small talk. Make conversations with your W brief and
to the point. Talk only about the solutions to specific problems that need to be addressed, such a particular bills, household or children concerns. Let silence prevail if she wants to "hook" you into melodrama. Politely but firmly end such conversations.

5) Tend to agree. Try to find the kernal of truth in what your W is saying and agree with it. Acknowledge it. If she says "I don’t love you anymore.", you say to her "It certainly seems that way. Thank you for your truthfulness.". If she says "I’m not sure what I want." You say "Yes, it must be confusing for you." If she tells you "I’m thinking of moving out." You say "Do you have an idea of when you’re going to do that? Knowing would help me plan for my activites."

6) Expand your social relationships, including those of the OPPOSITE SEX. Make new friends. Go to lunch. Surround yourself with interesting people who have the potential to care about you. Rekindle old friendships that have faded. With the opposite sex? Yes! I’m not talking about a revenge affair or sleeping with somone. I’m not talking about dating. I’m talking about being friends and learning
about you and how you relate, especially to those of the opposite sex.

7) Get sexy – in a healthy way. Get in shape. Lose weight. Run. Walk. Exercise. Eat right. Enjoy your body. Take supplements. Take extreme care of your body. Begin to feel healthy…and healthy is sexy.

Do not use these strategies as a manipulative tool to change what your spouse is doing. She will pick up on your motive and see through it. She will easily manipulate you back to where
he/she wants you (whereever that was to make you predictable and controllable). You engage in these exercises and strategies because you want to for you. You know that this is the best way to live and at this point, be in relationship with your spouse. This is the best way for you to survive and retain integrity. Here’s the kicker. A by-product of these efforts is usually dramatic changes on the part of your spouse. Don’t be surprised if he/she moves closer. Don’t be surprised if she does a double-take. Don’t be surprised if she decides to 'work on the marriage.' But, don’t expect it!

Even if your marriage does not survive, the above strategies are for YOUR benefit and will make you an extremely attractive man for another woman worthy of your love.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I don't have the energy to reply individually to everyone right now, but I just wanted to say THANK YOU! Thank you so much for being able to give me a kind word or a cyber hug when I needed it the most. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

A couple of you asked why not let H do the divorce work... I don't know why, but I can't bring myself to give him that power. Maybe I feel like it's the last little bit of control I have in the relationship... I want it to go down on my terms. That and H is really dragging this out and I *need* it to be done in a timely fashion for my own sanity. At first, he wouldn't even say the word "divorce", only that he wanted to be "set free" and the marriage was a mistake and couldn't be saved. He still wears his wedding ring (at least round me) and says it hasn't felt right to take it off... But he's found his soulmate, right? Doesn't make any sense. He moved out, and then I moved to another city to be closer to the university, so we barely see each other, but I just couldn't count on him to get the divorce set in motion without making my life even more uncertain than it already is.

I guess I'm so confused by his contradictory statements and actions... The fact that he still wears his wedding ring, vs. the statements about being absolutely 100% sure that we should get a divorce. The way he says that I jumped the gun on the divorce issue, vs. his absolute conviction that he doesn't want to be married. It just goes on and on. I'm at the point right now where I'm so sick of the endless confusion that I'm really liking the idea of being rid of him.

Sigh.

I know I am being irrational about being responsible for the divorce, but I am the efficient spouse, the one who is always able to get things started and see them through. He's the one who has a hard time starting anything and then focusing enough on it to finish it. I guess I'm just afraid that if he were orchestrating the divorce, it would be a year or more before we'd even get the paper work going, and I really can't live like that.

Of course, I do sometimes wonder if I let him do it, if he wouldn't realize what a major pain in the @$$ it is and think twice about it. But then that begs the question... I may love him, but do I want to keep putting up with his BS for the rest of my life?

Not particularly...

<small>[ October 01, 2004, 11:13 PM: Message edited by: Sarahbellem ]</small>

I don't have a lot of words that I know how to write, right now.But yes. I know exactly how you feel. I am right in it myself.
The only way you can decribe it to people who thankfully, do not know the pain themselves, is like this,
"Ever had a physical injury so bad, that you couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't think straight because of it. Now, imagine that physical pain is mental anguish. No pain medication really makes it better, no surgery will correct it. It must be lived through."

Maybe they will at least have a glimpse of it, with that description. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Just read your last post.
Do not let rash emotion make decisions for you.
If you truely want a divorce, get one.
If you really do not want one, do not do it. Do not make it simple and easy, let him do it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TTSi:
<strong> Just read your last post.
Do not let rash emotion make decisions for you.
If you truely want a divorce, get one.
If you really do not want one, do not do it. Do not make it simple and easy, let him do it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish I could just set it aside and let him do it. Maybe after we meet with the mediator for the first session I'll turn it over onto him... But I know that as much as I don't want this divorce, I don't want to be married to someone who resents me, or is dissatisfied with our relationship, or is constantly compelled to go looking for fulfillment elsewhere, all of which are things that he's done in the four years we've known one another. I think my one and only condition for not going through with the divorce would be if he decided to make an effort. I'd still insist on seperation for a while, but if he wanted to make it work badly enough, I would stop the divorce from proceeding.

Unfortunately, he does not want to make the effort. Perhaps it's only a passing phase, but he's pulled this crap twice before we were married. Now, I'm older and wiser and this kind of behavior has lost its novelty for me.

I don't think there's ever a "right" frame of mind to be in when making the decision to divorce. I can't see how that kind of decision can be made calmly or rationally. So, I'm just going on the hope that I'm doing the right thing for myself by seeing this through... I don't *want* it, but I don't have much of a choice.

<small>[ October 01, 2004, 11:40 PM: Message edited by: Sarahbellem ]</small>

"Ever had a physical injury so bad, that you couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't think straight because of it. Now, imagine that physical pain is mental anguish. No pain medication really makes it better, no surgery will correct it. It must be lived through."

Wow, TTSi! I'd never really thought about it that way. That is very fitting...very true! And that injury lasts for months! Much longer than most physical injuries or illnesses (short of terminal ones) last, at least with the magnitude of pain that is involved.

Sarah, I completely understand the pain you are feeling. I have been just as irrational. I have totally lost control with my STBXH, on the phone or in person, too (though mine never was patient enough to listen to 2 1/2 hours of it all at once!).

I hate the thought of D. I didn't want our M to end this way. But I got to a point where I couldn't stand it any longer. My STBX was living with OW and making no moves to get away. He wasn't pushing for D, nor had he said he wanted one. However, he did say he hadn't been happy with me for years and wasn't in love with me (famous "fogtalk" if you spend any time on GQII).

I took charge and filed--partly for financial protection, and partly because he also chose his alcohol over me. But I think maybe I also did the filing because I wanted to be in control of something in this whole mess, and not just be in limbo waiting to see if his A would ever burn out or not.

No real advice here. I just wanted you to know that I DO understand.

LL

<small>[ October 01, 2004, 11:41 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong> I took charge and filed--partly for financial protection, and partly because he also chose his alcohol over me. But I think maybe I also did the filing because I wanted to be in control of something in this whole mess, and not just be in limbo waiting to see if his A would ever burn out or not.

No real advice here. I just wanted you to know that I DO understand.

LL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm so relieved to hear you say that you took the burden of getting the divorce to try to stay in control! I think it's probably a petty thing when it comes down to it, but it's so important... To be the betrayed spouse, then the deserted spouse and your partner is not making any move whatsoever to set you free while he/she has their cake and eats it too... At that point whatever control you can exert that will positively benefit your own well being is so crucial!

Divorce is wretched, but I know it's better than continuing to live in a vaccuum and at another person's mercy!

the pain stopped for me when I took a long look at almost 18 yrs of M. verbal abuse was so bad, why didnt I see it? I loved this man & would have done anything for him. All he could do was hurt me with having A. when I was sick & needed him, he was with her, saying he felt sorry for me but too bad.

HIs so called goodlife with OW has turn into hell, going from job to job, abusing his stepchildren. I saw him last dec he looked like hell, he has aged being with a younger woman. Now he may loose his job or end up in jail.

In time your X will become a stranger to you. I feel better than I have in 20 yrs. it was a little scary starting over at 50, but once I took that first step, I wonder why I waited so long.