HOW do you abide by this? I believe it to be true- I am strongly convicted that I am to wait until I am married. I am not tempted to break this rule unless I am in a serious relationship, and that is when I start to waver. At the risk of giving out too much info, I just really love being able to express myself sexually with someone I feel very close to. And what if the person you are with doesn't feel as convicted - it is like I am setting all these weird and old fashioned rules. I'm just really struggling with doing the right thing when it goes against every thing I want to do. Any encouragement?

I cannot speak from experience cause I am not dating or relating to a man romantically at the moment. But my thoughts may still have some value.

For me, sex is very deeply intimate. It involves me emotionally, spiritually and physically and it causes me to mesh and blend with another. Emotionally-it has to be in the context of love. Spiritually-God has rules for OUR benefit. Physically---it is 'baring' all, ya know what I mean? You are giving another person something so extremely personal of yourself. Why risk being taken advantage of or selling yourself short for a nice temporary feeling. I would think that having sex here and there with different people has an unsettling, confusing effect on a person. I think sex and commitment together is the ultimate experience in a marital relationship.

I also believe that God put parameters on this activity for a reason.....look at the consequences of unmarital sex. We are all suffering from one or more of those consequences. Look at the consequences of sexually transmitted disease.

We live in an age of low or no commitment so it is getting harder and harder to see the benefit of committed lovemaking in the context of marriage. How sad.

When I have sex again, I want it to mean something long lasting and have real depth to it not just feelings or a good time.

TW

<small>[ October 02, 2004, 01:28 PM: Message edited by: tossedwave ]</small>

WhoamInow,

It's not an old fashion rule to want to have peace of mind.

I was someone who had a number of sexual incounters before I got married. I still remember nearly each one of them. This is more than 20 years after they happened.

Sometimes it only takes for me to drive by an apartment complex to remember the event. I know I cannot change them and I know God has forgiven me of them and I know that it made my W feel insecure at times.

Don't do it. Being able to look at the one you want to live with for the rest of your life and being able to say to them "I am very special. I don't give myself to just anyone and I have been saving myself just for you." will speak volumes to them.

I wish I could have done that.

Good luck and Bless you.

S&C

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WhoamInow:
<strong>HOW do you abide by this?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't straddle the fence. Set boundaries further back than you believe is morally necessary, in order to mitigate the temptation.

Remind yourself that this isn't about "rules" so much as it is about what is best for you and your relationship in the long run and in the big picture.

It's been a little less than a year since my last sexual encounter (although it was with WH *after* I found out about the A, so it's not the best memory in the world.). I may be struggling more with this if I'm still without 10 years from now...

I also believe that we are to not have sex outside of M, no matter how hard that may be. I was not saved before I got M, so I did everything backwards from what God's word said. As a teenager, I slept with my boyfriend (who I later married), for almost 4 years before our wedding. We lived together for the last year prior to M. By the time we were M, while sex was still enjoyable, it was not new to us.

While our virginity is long gone, we can still wait to have sex with a future spouse until the wedding night. I think it would be awesome to meet each other intimately for the first time and seal the marriage vows that way. My sis and some of my friends at work think I'm nuts. I've been told I'll have to loosen up my standards just a little.

I don't plan on it. I figure if my STBXH and I don't reconcile someday, and if God has someone else out there for me, that person will be willing to wait. If they're not, then they're not the right person.

But I also know myself well enough to know that as was mentioned already, I'll have to set standards that are probably more protective than is morally required, just to keep myself from getting too far into something and not being able to stop.

It's a scary thing. The world does not equate sex with marriage anymore. And it seems anymore you are considered out of step with the times if you don't live with someone to make sure you're compatable. So I think dating, should the opportunity ever arise after the DV is final, will be a huge uphill battle.

Almost seems not worth the hassle, if I didn't like men so much.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

LL

When I was in college in the 70's when everyone was "doing it" with no thought about STD or ramifications, I wasn't. I was more afraid of disappointing my father than going along with the crowd. I know my friends snickered at my refusal to join in. I remember the justification being we'd be all more experienced and have a better sex life when married. What a load of crock that was! A few years after we graduated, a friend asked to come visit me for the weekend. As we talked, I was shocked to hear her say how she wished she had done as I had in college. Her marriage was suffering and that experience didn't seem to come in so handy. There was nothing left to learn. What was so special to be shared with him, she had already freely given out to guys that she couldn't quite remember their names.

God doesn't give us guidelines in order to punish us or prove our love for Him, He gives us these guidelines for our own benefit. It took me along time to really see that.

We have two choices-give in and go along with what everyone sees as no big deal or create something special in our lives. I believe when we come to the end of our lives, we'll never regret doing it God's way. It's best.

Everyone else is posting my thoughts, and hopefully you are feeling their encouragement. But I wanted to tackle another item you posted:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> WhoamInow said: And what if the person you are with doesn't feel as convicted </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why would you be with someone (especially romatically or with whom you see a "possible future")who doesn't hold the same convictions, values, and beliefs that you do? Your relationship would already have some issues and you aren't even married; not the best way to start off.

<small>[ October 03, 2004, 02:55 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

WhoamInow,

I don't want to repeat what tossed wave said and I couldn't say it better myself anyway. Lets just say that nothing could say more about how you feel about someone.

I also agree with avondale. The conviction from both sides is very important.

I don't like to get personal about myself on the boards, but I feel I can relate to what you mean.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am strongly convicted that I am to wait until I am married. I am not tempted to break this rule unless I am in a serious relationship </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My STBXW was the first that I ever felt close enough to to even consider sex. We didn't wait for M but I waited for her. It was something that meant too much too me to just "Do It" with anyone.

It was worth the wait and I knew in my heart that we were equaly convicted to our R.

Granted, we didn't wait for M but due to Are feelings for each other we knew that it was right.

My point is, we were both equaly convicted to the relationship. We both felt that it was right.

Niether of us were in it just to "Do It"

If you don't feel the same back from the one you feel this way about then it's just sex, not making love!

WIWH

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WhoamInow:
<strong> HOW do you abide by this? I believe it to be true- I am strongly convicted that I am to wait until I am married. I am not tempted to break this rule unless I am in a serious relationship, and that is when I start to waver. At the risk of giving out too much info, I just really love being able to express myself sexually with someone I feel very close to. And what if the person you are with doesn't feel as convicted - it is like I am setting all these weird and old fashioned rules. I'm just really struggling with doing the right thing when it goes against every thing I want to do. Any encouragement? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I too had relations before being married-dont.


Best, shortest answer I can give is open your Bible

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WhoamInow:
<strong> HOW do you abide by this? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I personally do several things. I know my own weaknesses and set a boundary a bit before my weakness in order to avoid the appearance of evil. Oh, that sounds so generic and vague doesn't it? How about this...I love sex. I miss sex. And I suspect if I were alone with a man in my bedroom making out with him, that I'd probably have sex. In fact, if I were alone with a man making out on the couch I'd probably go for it! haha <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> However, I draw the line. If I get very much beyond ... uh hem ... second base (if you know what I mean) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ... then I get too tempted to go further. I talk about it ahead of time. I think of him and say no if he tries to go further, and I expect him to think of me and say no if *I* try to go further. Finally, I put my MIND in charge of my body and desires, and I work on myself to realize what sex is...sex is intimate expression given and received by two people who have committed to each other FOR A LIFETIME!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I believe it to be true- I am strongly convicted that I am to wait until I am married. I am not tempted to break this rule unless I am in a serious relationship, and that is when I start to waver. At the risk of giving out too much info, I just really love being able to express myself sexually with someone I feel very close to. And what if the person you are with doesn't feel as convicted - it is like I am setting all these weird and old fashioned rules.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I completely understand where you're at. It's a whole lot easier to resist sexual temptation when you are not with someone! haha <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> In fact, WhoamINow, I want to challenge you on something. What I really hear you saying here is that when you are not involved in a relationship with someone, you pretty firmly believe sex should be saved for marriage...but when you are WITH someone, you feel a little close to them and are tempted to go further physically than you really believe in!! Gee! What a shock! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I'm teasing you a little here, but honestly big guy--what did you think would happen? Temptation of ANY kind of sin is just that...TEMPTING!!! As a weak human being, you WANT to do it! The whole point is whether you give into the temptation or whether you stand by your beliefs. Also, I'd say if you are with someone who looks at the beliefs that you hold dear as "wierd, old-fashioned rules" then they do not respect you bud! Think about it. If you told you that it was very important to you that you keep your finances in shape, and I said that was "weird and old-fashioned" and you should spend yourself into oblivion, you would see pretty clearly that I didn't respect you. If you said that you valued your spiritual beliefs and that one of those beliefs was no driving on Sundays--and I said to you that was "weird and old-fashioned"--then you'd see right away that I didn't respect you. Why is sex any different??

And finally, WhoamINow...come on! I know that you love the blood rushing, tingling feelings and all but "I just really love being able to express myself sexually with someone I feel very close to??" Give me a BREAK!! I'm close to my dog. I'm close to my kids. I'm close to several of my lady friends with whom I have shared some of my deepest and innermost thoughts and feelings. Is "close to" really the standard by which you decide with whom you are going to be physical? Once again, I'm challenging you here. Think about this. You feel emotions...you share yourself with a lovely lady...and since you "feel close" you think that negates your beliefs or gives you permission to get physical? My brother, rise above the temptation!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm just really struggling with doing the right thing when it goes against every thing I want to do. Any encouragement? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes! We are all tempted every day. Some are tempted to add a few minutes to their timecards. Some are tempted to steal. Some are tempted to lie. Some are tempted to be jealous of what others have. And you are tempted to go further with a lovely lady than you know in your heart. You are just tempted. You are in a physical body that craves and enjoys touches and etc. because it is PHYSICAL. But that is not all you are. You are also mental, emotional and spiritual--and you KNOW that our call is to rise above our primal urges and do what is right and holy. Live in holiness.


CJ

The best way to look at sex outside of marriage is that it is a lie. What matters about sex is not the physical enjoyment. It is the emotional connection, and that is only possible within marriage.

Cherished