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#777885 10/03/04 02:19 AM
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I don't quite know why I did what I did tonight, posted the same in GQ, and feel a need to do here too (most of my posts belong here...)


7 months after separation, 7 months the same old story of his; I’m the only woman he ever loved, he’s just a friend with her, never admitted A, never admitted he’s still seeing her…

He lives in an apartment now; I was just once with our son. I tried to build a kind of a friendly relationship… Several times told him he’s now free and no reason for lying, not anymore… if he were honest I would accept his ‘new life’ and be fine with… I guess he’s never admitted for he wouldn’t let me go… but kept me hoping he’d change…
Although I knew/ felt/ didn’t see ANY change…

I don’t know if I hoped… maybe… am silly/stupid enough…

Anyway, that time I was in his new place felt sad, sad, so sad… our furniture we (I) chose, dishes, glasses… (I left him everything after D… not to remind me…)
Yes, it was painful…
After that time (3-4 months ago) I never got back to that place again…

It’s been a couple of weeks we began talking very nicely… begun with talking about our son, and little by little he was more open (not that he would talk about OW ever!)…
He stated how much he loved and missed me and he’s hoping we’d be back together…

Then, I wrote a letter to OW… Yes, after 2,5 years knowing about there is OW and 1 year I was knowing who she was (she might have been with (I guess) since I was pregnant, 3 years ago…), that was the first time I ‘contacted’ her…
The letter was polite… I attached a few messages of His, he asking me what he had to do to bring us together… stating his love and wish our son will grow with his parents living together in love and happiness… (also, a part about her – “Our parents were friends and we grew up like cousins. There was never any question of me leaving you for [OW]. That is not our problem.
If you would like, I will not see/talk to [OW] or any other woman if that means that you can see me, and we can start going out for dinner and doing things together with [our son]…”
I ended the letter to her with: “As you know, He and I have our son, such a sweet cute and smart little child of ours, just 2 years and 8 months of his life, so innocent, pure and - in need for both parents...
His childhood and entire life will be affected by his parents’ doings, Now and Tomorrow... and by their decisions too...
Happiness could not be built on ruins of (especially when causing and contributing to) someone else's unhappiness...
God might bless and forgive… yet not before hurting and damaging innocent people being totally stopped…”


And I sent that letter, 1,5 months ago… No signs from either of them she received it..

Rambling? Sorry…

Well, last night we talked on the phone and we were in a good mood, joked and laughed…
He asked me to have a dinner with him Sat evening (tonight), than I asked if it meant he broke up with her…
He says – yes, it’s over (the first time he ever said differently than ‘we are just friends’!), then he says she wrote him a letter saying goodbye, after receiving my letter…!
Also, he says she was “sooo hurt” by my letter…felt sorry for our son and – left him!

I knew she was coming...
(Doesn’t look she say goodbye after receiving my letter, right?)

So, I decided to go and see them… I never was spying whom he was with in that apartment where he lives.
Tonight… I don’t know what I wanted…
After more than 3 years of his denying, I guess I wanted to see it, to confirm… what? I knew I was normal and not paranoiacs as he kept saying from the first time… What did I want???
Simply, I HAD TO be there… maybe to get myself TOTALLY free… I wanted to SEE them!

And… I saw them…He’s on the first floor, I was under the open window and could hear them talking if music was not so loud… Than I moved back, behind a tree, and looking and looking, smoking cigarettes… she, on the sofa I chose for our home… he, besides her… talking… drinking… I saw his face, quite drunk… (no news here…)

I was calm… I wasn’t even blinking… I wasn’t sad… or unhappy… maybe in a weird way relieved…
I felt actually nothing…
As dead…
And I know I was not…

I took my mobile, dialed… they did not answer… I left the message “you invited me to have a dinner with you and I am here, could you please open the door.”
No picking up receiver… They just went to his bedroom… I couldn’t see it/them anymore…
(Wouldn’t surprise me he turned off the phone, he was always doing it while being with her… old habit of hiding from me… what old – the same (old) habit of his…

I stayed another 10 minutes, silent, looking empty sofa of “mine”… last looked at the bedroom door, closed behind… went to the car and drove home… and called again saying extremely calmly: “I’m now calling from home, I went to your place to tell you how much I’m happy you were honest with me last night, and how much I love and miss you… but I owe you an apology for I came when you were having company, if I knew I wouldn’t come, sorry, have a good night… and a good life too.”

It’s been now 4,5 hours I came home… Wouldn’t say it’s a shock… I feel still the same…calm… no pain… no sadness… slow pulse… almost not moving (before this typing)… Nothing!

And I know I am not dead…

All I can is just promise to myself, I will be alive Tomorrow too…
Very Alive!

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 11:39 PM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]</small>

#777886 10/03/04 09:51 PM
Joined: Nov 2003
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Belonging to Nowhere,

Haven't seen you here at D&D for a while.

I don't know what to say!

Sounds to me like you are doing good for yourself.

Maybe this is the final closure that you needed to be able to move on. Just what it took to settle your mind!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All I can is just promise to myself, I will be alive Tomorrow too…
Very Alive! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Reminds me of TMCM's "I will make it" mantra <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Best to ya!

WIWH

#777887 10/03/04 10:16 PM
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 511
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Thanks for your reply, especially you noticed I hadn't been here for a while. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
(My job became so much demanding and the rest of the day I want to spend as much time with my son as I could... he grows so quickly and even though he's almost 3, I already miss that little baby of mine... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

I DO hope it is the FINAL closure that I need.
(And I know my X will do all he can not to be it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Mantra is a good thing (if it works <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ).
I like "i'll make it' one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Should chose one too... maybe - I'm Very Alive NOW! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Best to you too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


Any news in your life?
Hoping for just good ones!

<small>[ October 03, 2004, 10:19 PM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]</small>

#777888 10/05/04 10:27 PM
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 511
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I simply have to tell you this:

Came from work and found his message, the first one after Sat.
Says - I wish I were dead if it is not for our son. I feel so sorry she came, UNINVITED, I am depressed, God must cursed me, I know you were hurt and I wish I'd do anything that that Sat. evening never happened.

I didn't answer.

2 hours ago he called and we talked for about one hour.
He did tried to be honest. And - it was the first time he wanted to talk about her AT ALL!!!

Among other things, he says:
' I told OW you hate her and don't want me to even talk to her anymore, and I told her she should understand that we are the parents and for next 20 years we have to talk about our son'.

I say: 'You didn't tell her you love me? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
By the way, please correct that word when talking to her or to anyone else: I do NOT hate her, I feel FULL DESPISE, and that's quite different feeling' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

He says: 'No, for I don't know what I really feel for you, I just know I cannot be happy without you.'

I say: 'Well, we both know you don't love me, but why didn't you tell her you were telling me you loved me and want to reconcile?' (haha)

He says: 'I don't speak about so private things to her.' (LOL)
Also, OW told him he should not contact me AT ALL, it's over.
I told him - 'don't you see, it means be free for myself!'

He says: 'You think so?'

I say: 'I know so. Don't be silly, go for her, if she were worth of ruining your family, don't lose her NOW.' (evil smilie here;-)

He says: 'But I never wanted her to be with me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> She was not reason we split, we had our problems even if she never existed.'

I say: 'I know that - You wanted her just for sex, boost, excitement screwing behind my back?
And, don't think she MADE us D BUT she contributed a big time to that!'

He says: 'It's the best for our son to live with both parents. I'm ready to cut of my p*ick <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> and give it to you and never look at another woman just to be with you and our son.'

I say: 'So, why did she come at all if uninvited?'

He says: "I wasn't answering her messages and she came to ask me to stay friends and talk at least every second week, and if I need something and when sick she'd come as a friend and help me.' (cool:-))

I say: ' Nice, so when you are sick you won't have to call me to make you soup or take you to emergency...' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

He says: 'No, I am not going to call her any more, I don't answer for I'm polite and civilized person <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> and she'll get the message in a while.'

I say: 'I don't think it's fair, you give her still hope and hurt her too.'

He says: 'I don't give a s*it if she's hurt, it is not my fault.'

I say: 'You are right here, she hurt innocent people and she's naive if thinking she won't be hurt too.' ;-)

He says:' I hurt you too, am I going to be punished too?'

I says: 'No, you are not going to be punished, poor darling, you already are.' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Then, he begged me to have a diner together (I said - be sure she won't come uninvited, I don't want her to burst out of jealousy (LOL) and he said I could ask him anything and he'd answer everything with total honesty (YEAH, RIGHT!)

We hung up and after 10 minutes he called and said:
'Please don't answer anything, I have to tell you something and go t bed - I love you, I do love you, only you and forever!'
Than he hung up.


The thrill is gone... was a very expensive one...


I'm still calm, I'm still fine, and - I'm very alive. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 10:30 PM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]</small>


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