I'm not sure why, but I feel compelled to tell my STBXH's parents my side of the story. I feel they need to know my reasons for divorcing their son, not just whatever watered down "It was fated" B.S. he's been giving them. Maybe it's entirely self-serving on my part, I don't know.

Anyway, I wrote this letter out longhand but thought I'd type it up and post it here to get some feedback on it before I commit to sending it off, if at all. Let me preface this by saying that his mother and I are as close as we could get what with the fact that his parents live 200 miles away and I've only really spent time with them a dozen times at most in the last 4 years. His father, on the other hand, is extremely possessive of his son and is in denial about STBX's bipolar disorder (thinks it was a fluke or a passing thing). MIL is not in denial about it, though, as she has a mild form of BP herself. I'm sure that this letter will not go over well with FIL, but I think MIL will be understanding, if not sympathetic.

Please feel free to edit! I want to be able to be both honest and fair, given the dishonesty and the unfairness of the situation.

(Names have been changed to protect the innocent)

Dear MIL and FIL,

I am writing this letter because I felt that you both deserve to know my thoughts and feelings regarding my decision to divorce STBX. I do not trust myself to say these things well over the phone, otherwise I'd call you. Right now I am hurting deeply, so my thoughts are not always coming across verbally as well as they migh otherwise. Also, because of the hurt, I am too tempted to say things I might otherwise regret to people whom I care for very deeply. I am sure that STBX has told you that we are getting a divorce, and perhaps you are already aware of the reasons. If not, the situation is pretty straightforward: He feels that our marriage was a mistake. He believes he has found his "soulmate" in another woman. He is convinced that our marriage was not condoned by God and is therefore not valid. He is "willing to break the bonds of man" (as he put it) to be with this woman. He claims to value the years we spent together as a "learning experience", but would rather the relationship end right here as he is unhappy with me.

My reasons for seeking dovirce are rather self-evident. I am still depply in love with him, but I cannot remain married to someone who continually must break my heart over and over to satisfy his own soul-searching. I still believe that, soulmate or no, he is still sick and needs professional help. No amount of love can heal him and I cannot continue to pour myself into him in hopes of doing some good. Perhpas this other woman is a better match for him, but I truly feel he is giving up on a wonderful relationship for the slim possibility of a better one with someone else. I can only wish him the best of luck. My own feelings are probablly irrellevant at this point, such as they are.

I believed that we had the potential for a beautiful relationship, that we complimented each other, that our worlds would blend easily. I am not under any impression that marriage is easy, but I was willing to work and even to strive for happiness with STBX. He, however, has made it repeatedly clear to me that he is not willing to work with me. No matter how much love I have for him, I'm not ignorant of the fact that it takes two people to make a relationship work. In a way, he left me with no choice. Would I take him back now or in the future? I honestly don't know, but I can't live my life in hopes of him changing. Too many times he has sought to leave me for greener pastures and I've taken hyim back only to have it happen again. Clearly, I cannot give him what he wants.

You love STBX above all else and I am not trying to win any points by writing this letter. But as I love you, I believe you deserve to know my reasons for ending the marriage fropm my own hand.

The man I married is a stranger to me right now. I catch occassional glimpses of what caused me to fall in love with him, but he is no longer able to reciprocate my love. The egotist in me is totally convinced he's making a huge mistake in letting me go, but perhaps it is for the best. Perhaps he truly has found his soulmate in The OW, a woman whose ghost I've lived with for over a year now. He has not been faithful to me, but that is neither here nor there. If he believes he is doing the "right thing", who am I to argue?

I wish you both well. Know that I love and your beautiful family very much. I regret that we did not have enough time to get to know one another better. I will miss you all so terribly... Thank you for your hospitality, your generosity, your love your friendship, your acceptance, your tollerance. I wanted to be a better daughting-in-law, sister-in-law, aunt and friend and I feel like a huge failuer, even as I know I must protect my own heart from being broken over and over. I do not wish anyone ill. I am truly sorry it came down to this.

I do not believe that any door is truly closed, so perhaps we will meet again in happier times, in happier circumstances.

Much Love,
Sarah

<small>[ October 04, 2004, 07:44 AM: Message edited by: Sarahbellem ]</small>

Sarahbellem,

My gut reaction is that this letter is much more about YOU than it is about THEM. One of the things that is so disturbing in a divorce is that you have things to say and the people you want to say them to are not interested in listening.

Now be honest. They are HIS parents and family. They may think that what he is doing is 100% wrong, or that he is making a mistake, but he is their son and you are not their child. In the end, when the dust is cleared and you two are divorced, they will still be his family and you will still have your family. (BTW, don't forget--he's losing your mom and dad and that whole family too.)

Sarahbellem, you may choose to send this but they may not respond and/or they may not respond the way you hope for. In my life, I loved my MIL and BIL and SIL. We lived near them and had them included in our life for holidays and family events. They BECAME my family. And when my exH kept on cheating and kept on refusing to treat his mental illness, finally one day, in desperation really, I reached out to them and begged them to help me get him some help! To my dismay, they wouldn't. "It's none of their business" and "They don't want to get involved". I felt SO SAD for mye exH, because his own family didn't love him enough to challenge him. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I'm not going to try to edit your letter. It's from your heart and I don't even want to try to edit that! Consider keeping your letter as a journal entry--and consider the wisdom of sending your letter. If you still decide that you want to send it, I say send it with loving intentions.


CJ

Thank you Faithful... I wrote this letter at 3AM this morning after waking up with an anxiety attack. I had the whole day to think about it and decided against sending it. I did, however, call MIL to restablish contact. Left a message on her voice mail. Hope she calls back.

I know there's potential for an undesired outcome in trying to talk honestly with his parents about whats up, but that's a risk I want to take.

Talked to his mother tonight and she's pulling for me. I told her that I think I may have jumped the gun in going for the divorce, too. She said she understood, but was glad to hear I was reconsidering the D. She thinks that H is definitely in a bipolar state, and she's hoping that his therapist will work on him to agree to medication (I don't think he will. I'm seeing the same therapist and I'm not so sure he'll press the issue with H). She said she's "disapointed" that H is pursuing the affair with OW and thinks that I'm the best thing that's happened to him.

I'm pretty relieved right now. Dunno if it will alter the course of things significantly, but it helps when his family has your back.

Here's hoping for the best...