ll,

I didn't intend to have it go on so long. In fact, we counselled with Steve Harley within the first few months and Steve told me to go to Plan B after only one month since my H was so abusive. My H came home soon afterwards - more because I cut him off from the money (we own a business together and he was spending wildly while I ran the business alone) than because of Plan B, though at the time, of course, I wanted to think it was because of me.

Then Steve H. recommended a cruise. We went, H stayed high and intermittently abusive the whole time. About 6 weeks after we got back, after refusing to talk to Steve anymore and disappearing for hours and sometimes days and not answering his cell phone, he kicked me out and moved MOW in. Kids freaked so he kicked them out too. We moved into a furnished vacation rental until I could file for divorce, with a restraining order, and have him evicted so we could move back in.

Over the next year, he came over repeatedly saying he loved me but blamed everything on his suppposed belief that I was still in love with an old boyfriend from 20+ years ago - it kept me on the defensive so the issue was never his substance abuse, his on-going affair, and his severe verbal abusiveness. Finally after a year of repeated attempts at counselling - I insisted that we needed a 3rd party present to discuss our issues because otherwise it would end up as another round of verbal abuse - which he'd always quit after a few sessions insisting I'd once again twisted the truth so that the counselor was on my side, I threw in the towel and told him it was sobriety and fidelity or it was over... It was over.

Now comes the fun trying to divorce an alcoholic/addict who hasn't worked since moving in with the MOW who also hasn't worked since they moved in together almost 4 years ago. I support them, due to our joint ownership of the business that I now run single-handedly and of course, I'm the b***h who's "stolen" everything from him/them. He's got his lawyer snowed. She's always threatening to "fire" him because he hasn't paid her, doesn't cooperate, and even gets verbally abusive with her, but meanwhile writes several nasty, accusatory letters a week to my lawyer that require a response since she's always threatening court and demanding attorney's fees from me (H isn't paying her yet she continues to represent him, maybe on the hope I'll be required to pay her in the end).

In the past, I left H and he sought treatment and stayed sober for many years. This time he's got MOW who abuses drugs and alcohol right along with him and shares his drug induced paranoia and resentfulness. H used to say his favorite movie was "Leaving Las Vegas" and he seems to be trying to re-enact it.

Sorry this is so long. I obviously needed to vent. But this is why I don't recommend waiting for an alcoholic/addict to change. We need to live our own lives. I still believe in my marriage vows, but I don't believe that means sacrificing my life to a sinking ship. I needed to stop being a bit player in H's movie and become the star in my own life. God is reaching out to them and when things get bad enough for them, maybe they'll grab hold. There is nothing we can do to make this happen.