Se acabo. It is finished. I have let my wife go in my heart.
I have finally grieved. I realize now that I have been grieving for three or four month now. Pain was my constant companion. Sorrow was my lover. This weekend, I cried for two days without stop. I sobbed, my body shook, I felt physical pain. It was unbearable. At the end, when I shed my last tear, I felt cleansed. The sorrow that has been my constant companion has left me. I am eating again, I am going out, I am living.
I have Hope again. I am beginning to look forward to the rest of my life. I dare to dream again. I see the possibilities beyond the horizon and they are good. I have come out of this a changed man. I am stronger,, kinder, I am more generous. I have grown.
For eight months I have assumed full responsibility for all of the problems in my marriage. I have shouldered the burden because I needed to. I needed to stop pointing the finger at my wife and start pointing it at me. I forced myself to take a cold hard look at who I was. I didn’t like it. I changed it. I have battled my demons, and I have defeated them.
I have found my God, and my Faith in Him grows stronger every day. I have put my priorities in order and I now realize that there is nothing more important than my children. I am still going to Texas as soon as possible. I am their Daddy, and they need me. I will be more than OK. I will thrive. I am excited at the prospect of a new life and everything that is waiting for me. Life is beautiful. Hang on to that thought, even in your darkest hour.
My wife and I are on good terms. We are friends. We will always be friends. We grew up together. In our struggle, in our dark times, all we had was each other. As long as I have that, I can let her go. I want her to be happy and I want to share in her happiness.
I see now what went wrong in our marriage. She was always cold to me. She was unemotional. I craved her love and her affection and she never gave it to me. That killed something inside of me, but I never realized it. Everything I did, all my mistakes were a misguided effort to get that love. I admit to my fault in this. I have taken ownership of my faults and worked hard to change them. I have grown immensely.
Would I take her back still? I don’t know. I think I would still give it a try, but we would have to build a new relationship from the ashes of this one. This relationship is over. I don’t know if she has faced her own fault in this. I don’t think that she has. I can’t go back to the coldness. I need someone to love me. I deserve that.
I will be going to Texas tomorrow to visit my children. I am somewhat apprehensive of that, but I am also excited. I will see my wife as well. I don’t know how I’m going to deal with that. I will try to be her friend. Tomorrow is also our 9th anniversary. Today was her 29th Birthday.
I know that the sadness will return. I know that next week will be hard. Although I will probably cry again, the grief is gone. I have looked for it. I have searched the dark places in my heart. I cannot find it. Sorrow had been my constant lover and companion, but it has left me.
Se Acabo. It is done. Se Empezo. It has just begun.
