My wife and I have been married now this month for 20 years. We <BR> have had marriage problems for most of the 20 for many reasons. <BR> Alot of the problems stemmed from poor communication skills but there are<BR> other complications as well. We were engaged to be married when I was 17.<BR> We had been having premarital sex for two years when she announced that<BR> was it ( as far as the sex went ) until we had our wedding night. I was young<BR> and stupid so beings she left no room for discussion on the subject I found<BR> other sources for my "recreational" needs. It was wrong, I wasn't a<BR> Christian yet but I still knew it was wrong. It got around and she caught<BR> wind of it and I not she broke off the engagement. Well we finally got back<BR> together but I again was stupid and thought the issue was over but soon<BR> after we got married it started to be apparrent that she was deeply hurt and <BR> of course I wasn't going to give in when she was the one to decide for both<BR> of us in the first place. Boy was I off base. <BR> I should have been more sensitive to her feeling even though she wasn't of<BR> mine. This started a deep rift between us. She didn't want to work on our<BR> relationship, just me to work on my side of it because she was already ok. I<BR> didn't like that attitude then and I didn't realize she was reaching out for me to help <BR> her work through it. I didn't see it though because she expected me<BR> to do all the changing, apologizing, compromising on all issues and I got alot of<BR> resentment over that. As we had each of our children she pulled away from me more<BR> and more. I didn't really know it at the time but as she was pulling away from<BR> me, I was taking it hard. I threw myself into my work and became a<BR> workaholic. A bad one. I still work too much, I am self employed.<BR> I wasn't home much and when I was she was always complaining about this<BR> and that. I know now that she was trying to connect to me in her way. Sex<BR> was a knock down dragout. I met this customer about 7 years into our<BR> marriage and almost got into an affair. I was feeling racked w/ guilt and told<BR> her about it several months later when she out of the blue asked me if I had <BR> fooled around since we'd been married, for a month or so she literally wore me <BR> out sexually. <BR> Things seemed better for a year or so then it got back to the same thing. we<BR> were ready to get a divorce when we had our last son (now 10) and that<BR> saved our marriage for awhile. It was somthing we both had in common. Well things<BR> were good - although I lost another piece of her - for a couple of years then<BR> it got bad again. I wanted to desperately save our marriage. I pleaded w/ her<BR> for us to go to counselors etc. She always refused. <BR> Well 3 years ago we were both terribly unhappy. She wouldn't do anything<BR> to change it and I lost all hope and resolved myself to just hanging in there<BR> until the kids were raised. She was gone all day almost every day after my<BR> last son went to school full time. I was afraid she was going to have an affair<BR> so I insisted she get a job to occupy her time (and to make her time<BR> accountable for my piece of mind) After much resistance she finally got a<BR> job as a dept. store clerk. Soon after she did she let everything go, he house, the kids,<BR> everything for the job( I thought). She asked me to move out on fathers day '96. She<BR> said there was no one else, that she needed time to sift through her feelings.<BR> I paid for everything and lived in a hole while she didn't attempt to think<BR> about anything except for herself. I always made it a point to ask her about<BR> any "others" After a couple of months I was visiting the boys and went to<BR> talk to her in the bedroom. She didn't answer and I thought I heard crying. I<BR> opened the door and relized she was in the closet talking on the phone. I<BR> listened to her telling her mother that she couldn't live without this fellow at<BR> work etc. etc.. Well I went through the roof. I could not believe she had lied<BR> to me, while I was making a big sacrifice on the basis that she was being<BR> true to me at least while she was making up her mind... She told me it was<BR> just am emotional affair, nothing physical. After the steam died down she had<BR> me convinced it was all my fault, I had drove her to this other guy because<BR> of how I was. There was no remorse, still to this day isn't. She deserved to<BR> feel good about herself and I wasn't meeting her needs etc.etc. Well I went<BR> ahead and trusted her, she said he was being transferred in one week. She<BR> wouldn't tell me who he was. I went ahead and continued to wait for her to<BR> make the decision whether or not she loved me anymore. Thanksgiving of<BR> '96 she asked me to move back in. I was happy. I thought we'd get down to<BR> business abt. patching our relationship up. It was very weird. She didn't<BR> want to work on our relationsip at all. She hid in our bedroom most of the<BR> time. Cried alot for this fellow at work etc. Didn't want to be seen w/ me in<BR> public where people at work could see us together. I felt she was lying to<BR> me, I was being sneaky and felt bad about it then I overheard another conversation, <BR> She was talking to her best friend about this same guy at work. And about how cold he had been treating her lately. Her friend was egging her on to get close to him and not let him cool off to her. I went weak in my knees. I felt so stupid, betrayed, I went ballistic and<BR> went to her work place and made a scene in a confrontation between her,<BR> the fellow at work and myself. The police were called and I almost got<BR> arrested. I did not lay a hand on him but he went running off screaming for<BR> the police. I felt as though she must have been having intimate relations w/<BR> him by that point and seeing his freaking out at my confronting him. We<BR> tried to still live together but I could not trust her, she didn't act sorry and as<BR> before it was my fault. I asked her to move out and after repeatedly saying<BR> work on our relationship and commit to me or move out she chose to<BR> move out. On hind sight I still don't know if I did the right thing or not. We<BR> have had really great sex through all this but it is very empty for me. I miss<BR> having a soul mate. She refuses to make up her mind to work on it or file for<BR> divorce. I am very unhappy. She has mentioned she didn't get to sow her<BR> wild oats as I did ... as though shes wanting to date others and has said without reservation that she likes the attention that other men pay her, and that she doesn't want to go <BR> around me in public because they might think that shes attached and not pay <BR> attention to her anymore. <BR> I don't know what to do. It's been three years since it started and because of my <BR> hasseling her about making up her mind or move out she moved out.<BR> She still wants me there to support her by helping w/ the kids...I<BR> have them 99% of the time. I have not given her much financial help since<BR> she doesn't have the kids "by their own choice" I am just empty inside. All<BR> she thinks about is her, her nice things (that she took when she moved out)<BR> and how nice it is not to have to deal w/ the kids. I should be saddled w/<BR> that now since she has to think about her career and can't excel w/o giving it<BR> all to work. I am getting very resentful about her actions but I still want to <BR> work it out. She doesn't ever want to talk about our problems and she now says <BR> she has to keep her independance and that she likes the single girl life.<BR> She said a day or so ago that she is ready to do something else and I <BR> asked her to divorce me rather than cheat on me. <BR> She said lets get a divorce then. That's not what I wanted her to say <BR> and I told her that. She says it too late and she is very cold to me and now has acted like <BR> says the sex (I call it making love) should stop because she feels so guilty for <BR> not working on the relationship and that it's leading me on. She also feels that because <BR> there is no passion for me in her heart she can't stay with me. I have told her that<BR> the passion will return when we get our relationship back on track but she insists that <BR> it has to come first. The problem with that is that I am so frustrated that I loose<BR> my cool and get angry with her off and on. I am VERY gealous of her and these other guys<BR> and the friction it creates is definately is even further destroying my love bank <BR> account with her. I feel as though I and my emotions are out of control.<BR> I don't know what to do, Today my sister was on the web at my house and she <BR> found your site and found the Greg and Sally letter. Sound incredibly like our <BR> situation except for the few twists I have mentioned. I read your book His<BR> needs / Her needs then coaxed her into reading it when this first started.<BR> I have since bought and read Love busters and Give and take. She won't read anymore<BR> books because she doesn't feel it will do anygood. We have been to several counselors<BR> also the first year but when they got around to her doing her part she didn't want to and <BR> that was that for counseling. She doesn't want to go back at all. <BR> Is there any hope?? I do still love her and want to do all that I can to win her back <BR> but I don't know how to get grip on how I act around her when all she does is reject me.<BR> I think your idea on negotiating is great but I don't think she'd even consider it unless she <BR> felt there was a real chance that she could regain her love and passion for me.<BR> Please help us if there is anything you can do or suggest.<P><BR>Thanks<P>Douglas