My one and only is very interested in pornography. He looks at magazines and watches movies and has even gone to strip clubs. Of course, each time he's lied about it and I've found out in the end. He's doing this and to me, I feel like he is cheating on me. To him, it's no big deal. I can't understand that even when I tell how much he's hurting me, he won't stop. Why does this seem like such a big deal to me and seem like nothing to him???

You feel like it's a problem because it is.

He doesn't feel like it is one, because, well, how come alcoholics always say" I don't have a problem." or drug addicts, or everyone with an addiction. If they refuse to admit they have a problem, they don't have to do anything about it.

I don't know what you should do about it, but there are stories on this site where others have dealt with it. You may have better luck posting your question on General Questions , it gets a lot more traffic. Look around and see if you can find others stories that will help. And ask away on GQ. I'm sure you will get lots of responses.

SS

Audra
I posted something similar on emotional needs under striclubs cheating or not. There was a lot of great advice there!
Good Luck
Terry

Audra,

Strip clubs are not harmless entertainment. They are cheating holes where the scum gathers.

My h has had sex more than once with a stripper right in the club...they call it a 'lap dance' but somehow Little Willy got free with a raincoat on and they had sex, even though it is supposedly forbidden.

These are major problems and I think your SO needs to seek counseling for sexual addiction.

What would a man spend $8,977 on at a strip club? He claims he let one of his friends use his credit card and he has no idea what that money was spent on. He must think I was born yesterday. Someone please help me....

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I think he's either a liar or an idiot...probably both.

$9,000???? Lots of lap dances? Sex? That's an incredible amount of money.

I strongly urge you to seek counseling.

Hi Audra,

My husband doesn't think it's cheating either. He says that all men do it. Found out three months ago, he's been with many prostitues since November. He says that is normal for men too. He says thats what they are there for....married men. He's got the porn and the strip clubs too.

It is cheating...all of it is, and it is something that I can't have in my life. If he chooses it in his then it will be a life without me. I've moved out but we are still working on things. It isn't going very well.

Look into the SA issues, you will find much there you can relate to.

Best wishes,
Spy Wife

Audra, My apologies that you have to go through any of this. I had the same issues with my XH...that's why he's my XH.
I'm not saying that you should get rid of him, that's not my place...all I'm saying is this is an issue and he needs to know that and take you seriously. I wish I could give you advice on how to get him to see how badly this hurts.
Let me just say that if he did not go completely crazy when his credit card bill came in then you can certainly point out that it wasn't his friend that used that card...it was him...and he knew exactly how much was spent. And if you and he share expenses...that means you are helping to pay for his extra curricular activities. Ask him how he would feel if you just up and spent that much money. I bet he'd be very unhappy.

Another thought...you can offer to call the 'club' and ask for copies of the receipts because you plan to press fraud charges against his friend for using his card. That should make him come clean.
You know, I am probably not the right person to be posting on boards that contain issues of 'cheating'. I am still very bitter and probably will be for a while (even though it's been seven years). I am also very vindictive when it comes to making cheaters fess-up. Whether it's a woman or a man, no one deserves to be cheated on.

SpyWife2002: It is normal for men to look at other women and occasionally, enjoy pornography...but it IS NOT normal for them to continuously have sex with strippers and hookers! That is clearly some type of addiction that needs to be addressed. Please don't turn a blind eye to any of what's going on. If you do, he will continue to do exactly what he's been doing at the expense of you and your marriage...and possibly, God forbid, your health.

I wish the very best for both of you...whatever decisions you make. God bless!

You are not unreasonable, I am paddling the same boat, if anyone can answer the why do they do it question please let me know, I bought how hurtful excessive porn use is to his attention a few years ago then he just took it underground, sneeking off to purchase Vids/mags that have now become DVD/mags, I even superglued my wedding ring to the monitor one day and walked out for a few days after his excessive internet use became to much, I am again at the crunch stage, after around 8 years of makeing it very clear that I feel like an idiot, an unatractive idiot and inflicting my self esteme a devestating blow I feel ready to leave, I have tried, he has not, when ever the issue arises he tells me that my smoking irritates him so if I continue he will continue, he dosn't seem to understand that I don't pretent to be to busy to attend a family function then stay home to smoke, I don't pretend that I don't smoke then puff away when he isn't looking, I don't say I am somewhere then sneak off to smoke, I don't smoke for hours and not lift a finger around the home, I wish walking out was easy but 12 years and 3 children and a love for a man that without porn is wonderful makes it very hard but a door mat I don't wish to be, enough really is enough. If you or any others find a solution I would love to know it.

This site may open your eyes and in time may open HIS! Appears as though there's major denial going on...be careful how you tread

www.porn-free.org

Godspeed
S

My H enjoys pornography too, and to a certain extent, I don't mind. I do, however, have to draw the line when it comes to pornography on the internet.

We have quite a few magazines and movies and such that I don't mind him looking at, sometimes we even look together, but it totally turns my stomach to even think of him looking at anything on the internet. When I think of porno on the internet, I think of nasty old men sitting in front of their computers masturbating to any number of disgusting things you can find on the internet and it makes me sick.

I have let my husband know this on numerous occasions. He knows exactly how I feel and that it really upsets me. In the past he has told me that he would not do it anymore, then he just tries to hide it from me and I end up finding out about it anyway. This hurts me even more that he would go behind my back and lie to me and tell me he doesn't do it. I told him that if he continues, I can't be with him, because even though I love him so much, it disgusts me.

He got to a point where he completely tore down my trust in that area. I understand that "boys will be boys" and that he is going to look at other women, and that is fine under certain circumstances - women are beautiful. But when he lies and hides that he is doing something behind my back, it feels like he is purposely trying to hurt me and that he doesn't really care about how I feel... and sometimes makes me feel like that is more important to him than our marriage.

We did the EN and LB questionnaires and I expressed this (yet again) through those. He swears to me that he wants me to be happy and that he will not look at any pornography on the internet anymore. I know he knows how important this is to me and I want to believe that he really means it this time, but he is really going to have to earn back my trust on this issue, because, in the back of my head, I feel that he is just going to continue to do it and hide it from me.

I can't really offer up any help for your situation, but this has helped me to vent. He reads these boards and he will probably come across this someday. All I can hope for is that it somehow gets through to him and that we won't have to go through this anymore.

I love my husband more than anything and with the exception of this one thing, he is a wonderful man, and I don't want something so small to be the end of us. I am totally open and honest with him and have been since day 1, and I hope that someday he will realize that I need more than anything to have the same thing back from him and to be able to trust him 100%.

Why do we do it? The reasons very, but all men enjoy visual stimulation and masturbation. Sometimes a man just wants to get off without the hassles of dealing with a less than convenient W.

Women differentiate between online porn and magazines or movies. To men there is NO difference. Men do not understand why women see a difference. If there is porn in the house such as mags or vids a man his going to use them for personal pleasure when the W isn't around at least sometime.

Why do men lie about it? Because women make them. Do you know you actually make it more exciting for a man if he is afraid he thinks he might get caught?

I used to have a porn addiction. A pretty good one. It was an escape. I beat the addiction on my own because I wanted better for myself and I knew it hurt my XW. Funny, my XW was having an A which was a big reason for me getting into the porn. A learned that part later.

I have a healthy relationship with a woman now. I told her all about my past problems with it. She likes to look at vids together from time-to-time, but was against internet porn. We talked about the differences and she realizes there really wasn't and I explained how men looked at it.

The next day I come home and she had downloaded a whole bunch of porn for me to "enjoy". With a note saying not to hide it from her or lie about and she has not problem at all with it.

To be honest it kind of took the fun out of it. I look at it once in a while, but I'd rather spend my time with her.

Porn is like any other activity. Not a problem in moderation, but when it dominates your life you've got issues.

I spent 3 or 4 years of hell at the end of what was once a good marriage. Just saying you don't like it or want it or he has to stop is not going to work. Find out why and see what you can do to address his needs. Don't be a afraid of it. Porn can not compete with a real live women if she is willing to listen and apply what she hears.

Hi. I did not read all the responses here. I just wanted to worn you about sexual addiction. Marriage builders talks mosty about emotional and physical affairs. They do not talk about addiction. I went nuts trying to figure out what emotional need that I did not meet for my H. After a while I found sites on this subject. I took a test on the net for my hubby. At first my H was in denial. But as I asked more questions it bacame evident that he had a secound secret life. sex addicts anonymous has a website and is based on the aa program. They also have a program for mates calles co-addicts anomous. I am not saying that your H is an addict but the red flags are certainly raised. The best of luck to you-Stephanie